Young paused at the door, debating whether to try and induce the man to get some sleep or not. Finally giving up the attempt as a completely hopeless one he turned noiselessly to leave and - just couldn`t.
They say that murderers keep coming back to the spot of the murder, for it exercises a weird influence over them. Well, Young was not a murderer - thanks to a chance and good luck ( Rush`s and his own) - but right now he found it unimaginably difficult to tear his eyes away, to get himself away to some Rush- free, ( OK, pain-free, hurt-free, guilt-free) place. Just couldn`t.
Rush, engaged in working out the reprogramming of the shields, paid no attention to him, in fact, was hardly aware of his presence. The sharp light emanated by the console was highlighting the scientist`s face. In this uncanny illumination the man no longer looked intimidating, acid, arrogant and generally pain- in - the assish. He looked detached, unnaturally still...sorrowful. Lonely.
Helpless.
And fragile - to the point of breaking.
In fact, that was what he was. Already broken once -( years before they all met him and by that time he had given up trying to pick up the pieces- if he ever did) and heading towards a second shattering.
Young unconsciously shifted, the brunt of these thoughts almost physically suffocating him.
And he certainly wasn`t beginning to feel sorry for the guy. What Rush was and what he became and what he chose to remain were his and only his choices. He alone was responsible for them and for himself.
If he was miserable and broken and unwilling- or unable- to seek help, so much the worse for him.
( "It is the worst thing that could have happened to him" - TJ`s voice whispered again, mocking him, mocking his attempts to force himself out of his share of guilt... out of his guilt).
And he was instantaneously hit by a wave of rage - at Rush, at the situation the man had created for him, forcing him to make the dreadful discovery of himself, forcing him to realize just what he, the honourable, straight- forward, just colonel turned out to be capable of. If it had not been for Rush Young might have stayed forever unfamiliar with his own - his true - self.
Damn him. And damn it all.
Was he now to jog along with the man, to watch him being swallowed by darkness and pain, to follow him down step by step and realize that this all was his own doing?
Only it wasn`t. It was Rush`s - Rush`s! - fault.
And Rush looked up.
And Young wished - for one mad second - that the scientist would spring up, hit him or verbally assault him, denounce him: or at least look at him like he should - with hatred and fury and knowledge of what he had done to him. With resent.
Not like this. Not with blank and tired and unaware and mutely pained eyes.
"Your shift ended, like, 6 hours ago, " Young stated, coming closer and trying to speak casually.
"I need to finish this, " Rush responded quietly, again looking at the screen.
" You need to sleep," Young insisted.
Rush threw his hair out of his eyes with a clearly unsteady hand. Solicitude - for the team? - spurred Young on, helped him with his choice of words.
"Look, Rush, I honestly don`t care if you work yourself to the point of dropping down, but I do care about the effect that you subsequent inability to carry on would have on the ship. You get me?"
After a long pause Rush tore his gaze away from the screen and tried to focus it on Young. He frowned and a spark of irritation passed across his face. It quickly died out and he wearily leaned his chin into his right hand, hiding his face. For a fleeting moment it seemed to Young that he had won. And he was not relieved.
"I have to finish this." he heard Rush finally murmur in a listless, painfully candid, much too calm to be normal, way.
Young stepped back.
Forced himself to leave.
/
As Young walked back to his quarters, flashes of his recent conversation with Eli whirled across his mind. Was it now a part of all the Rush-connected strain that he was going through these days, to have snatches of conversations with deeply- worried- about- the- scientist people playing across his mind?
The lad confronted him and started without any prelude:
" Now, just could you, please, tell me - what the hell is the matter with him?"
"You know that."
Eli seemed to be non-plussed by the flat answer, yet he carried on with a kind of long pent-up energy.
"Well we... I don`t know, we just should do something! I mean he is kind of," he paused, searching for the words, " yeah, drowning right in front of us, and we just merrily watch the show, right?"
"That has been happening to him for a long time; years before any of as even met him," he said heavily, trying not to dwell on Eli`s previous words, not to dwell on the genuine distress in the boy`s eyes.
"That`s what you would like to believe, right?" Eli said abruptly, dropping his voice.
He looked up sharply.
"Eli, "
"No, no,... don`t. OK, so - we must just - come up with some scheme, you know. Why don`t you contact Earth and haul some super- smart double-brilliant genius of, like, psychology, over here? At the very least Rush would get some fun out of this," rattled out Eli, trying to sound kind of cheerful.
"You really think that is gonna work?" Young snapped impatiently.
Eli`s face fell.
"No," he said quietly. "No I don`t. But we... just have to do something. "
A sharp pain shot across Young, stung him into acidity.
"You really think he would bother that much about you?"
Eli paused, raised his eyebrows, opened his moith, stopped.
" Yeah," he finally said with no hesitance in his words " I think he would go out of his way to fix me, but the moment I was OK he would begin with carefully explaining to me that he did all that only because I am an asset to the crew and he would finish by being as bastardly for the rest of the day, as it ishumanly possible. "
Young was silent for a moment.
" Look, Eli," he finally said " there is nothing we can do now. We dare not mess with him: not before the shields are completed. Keeping Chloe out of his way, not bothering him- that is all. For now."
He walked away, trying to shut the boy`s resigned expression out of his memory.
/
Young nodded and TJ stepped up to Rush, keeping her right hand behind her back and smiling reassuringly.
Rush glanced at them briefly and went on feeding data in his laptop.
"Have no time. "
" Yes, Rush, you do."
Rush neither responded, nor raised his head, but his hands paused over the keyboard and he audibly drew a deep breath, trying to get command over himself.
"Dr. Rush," TJ gently struck in, " You are overstrained, you are pushing yourself too hard. You can`t go on like this, you MUST get some sleep."
" I must get some quiet, and that is exactly what you are right now denying me, " he responded, his voice low but edgy, his eyes still down.
"Rush, you are putting the ship in danger, you`ve already messed figures twice you know that." Young said, trying to imitate the way he would have said this if only-
"I set Eli to check the them, anyway, "Rush`s voice was still far too tightly controlled.
"That is not the point. You are a danger to the ship if you carry on like this and..."
TJ noticed the way Rush`s hands were gripping -ever tighter and tighter - the laptop, and, quickly interrupting the Colonel, she cheerfully said:
" And we are just asking you to relax and get some sleep, that is all. Look," she carefully drew her hand from behind her back, " this is perfectly harmless and you will feel all the better for it."
" No, " he said abruptly, starting to type feverishly, " I don`t need anything.I am fine. Just - leave, OK?"
They both winced at the note of urgent pleading that had sounded so clearly in his last words.
TJ helplessly curled her hand over the syringe, but Young tried to press the matter further.
"Rush, this does not concern only you and you."
" And so what?" Rush burst out with the vehemence they used to know so well. "Will you sedate me against my will? Restrain me, handcuff me? Certify me for a madman?"
Seeing them draw back, he lowered his face once more, freezing completely, as if he felt that the slightest move on his part could overbalance him.
" Dr. Rush, " TJ firmly spoke up, " We are only trying to help. You do need to sleep."
There was no mistaking the open- hearted warmness of her tone.
Rush was silent for a long minute.
And then he looked up - for the first time since they entered.
He looked up at her, letting her read his eyes. Letting her read his weakness and his pain and his acknowledgement that he was not coping. And his fear. Mostly - fear.
TJ swallowed. Glanced at her palm.
" I can`t," he murmured softly, so, that she could barely catch his words. " I can`t sleep - I... just can`t. You - you know that."
Slowly TJ lowered her hand.
Nodded.
Motioned to the Colonel to leave.
Once outside their eyes met and now they knew for certain: the countdown had started.
/
The crisis came a few days later. Together with an attack of the aliens.
Rush was completing (or rather trying to complete) the boosting up of the shields. A drastic change had come over him during the last 24 hours. He worked feverishly as if he knew ( as everyone else did) that he had very little time to finish the shields. As if he guessed.
The other scientists tried to keep pace with him but for all the notice he took of them they might as well have been on the other side of the ship. Or the Galaxy.
Young was also present there; ostensibly he was watching the completing of the shields-strengthening process but in reality he was watching Rush. The man was clearly hovering on the edge: his hands were shaking, his eyes were largely unfocused, he was, in fact, barely coherent.
And there were about two hours ( in Eli`s estimation) before the circuits would be reprogrammed and the shields would be full- powered. And they needed them- badly.
TJ joined Young noiselessly.
" Will he make it?" Young asked shortly in an undertone.
" He might, sir", TJ whispered back. " But he is almost breaking down with sleep deprivation. And even if he manages to finish with the shields, he will collapse shortly after. His mind can`t cope with the problem any more, he will need the truth. He is frightened by it, but he will need it. And then..."
Young tried to distance himself away from that which would happen after "then". The realisition hit him- he could ( probably) do it.
Rush couldn`t.
"At least we will have the shields, " he finally answered heavily, turning to leave.
It was 2 minutes later that the systems started screaming, the lights blinked, the ship trembled violently. Rush`s radio went alive.
" Rush, this is Scott. We are under attack, we need the shields. Rush?"
Rush kept typing, feeding data into the console, his fingers flying over the keyboard with an almost preternatural speed.
"Rush?"
Brody and Volker stepped up simultaneously, and at the same moment Rush responded to the radio-call.
"Rush here."
The tension in the room eased out at the dry, confident tone that Rush assumed the moment he spoke up. And which contrasted so vividly with his blank eyes and shaking hands.
" Shields operating at 25 percent. Am sending more. Need another...," he threw a quick glance at his wrist- watch "12 minutes to finish."
The crash came. Another. Still another. The lights above flickered , grew dim for a second, flashed back to life.
Eli was standing closest to Rush and he was the only one that noticed a sudded wave of panic shoot across the scientist`s face. Then Rush went still.
Ahother bang. Frightened shrieks over the ship.
"Rush?"
The scientist didn`t respond. His hands froze on the keyboard, his eyes were tightly shut.
Another hit - a shower of sparks.
" Let me finish this, OK?" Eli almost pleaded, trying to move Rush aside, reaching for the console . The scientist snapped out of his oblivion instantly, his hands once more flying over the keyboard.
" Dr. Rush I CAN finish this!"
No response.
"Please!"
Eli desperately switched on his radio.
" Colonel Young here."
" He has lost orientation" Eli was explaining feverishly " You see? I don`t know what he thinks is happening, but he is stripping down the power, not boosting it up! We gotta stop this!"
" Can you finish the job?"
" Sure! He just clings to it, he won`t let me!"
"Coming."
Eli dropped the radio and stared at the now fully oblivious, unresponsive Rush, who was still issuing orders to the system.
Young tore into the control-room a few moments later. Forcing himself into calmness he approached the scientist, touched his shoulder.
"Rush, just give over and..."
The effect was immediate.
And violent - more violent, than they could have imagined...
When three minutes later TJ rushed in with her kit, they were still struggling with Rush - no longer trying to reassure him, just to - restrain.
And - for the moment - utterly failing...
/
Ten minutes later it was over. Greer and Scott, getting a wordless command from the Colonel, threaded noiselessly out of the infirmary and from across the room Young caught the startled eyes of the still clearly shaken Eli who had risen from the floor at their exit.
TJ tiptoed away from the gurney and started mixing some medicines and Young closed his eyes trying to control the inner trembling that had seized him at Rush`s first scream...
/
Screams.
Another and another - piercing, hopeless,shattering...
Their frantic attempts at reassuring: " Rush, Rush, it is us, Rush it is OK, you are OK, stop it, STOP IT! ".
Trying to keep him from lashing out, restraining him, struggling to pin him to the floor.
Finally they hold him down, but he is still fighting, still trying to get away from whatever horrors are crowding his mind; from whatever horrors had been done to him.
"Do we have to hurt him so much?" Eli`s distressed exclamation setting their nerves further on edge...
TJ shoving the shaking boy aside and hastily calling for Greer to join Scott and Young.
And now Rush can no longer fight- not aginst the three of them. He can barely breathe.
The begging was the worst part...
It is when he is fully immobilised that he stops screaming.
And shuddering breaths, and his voice - quiet, half- choking, half-sobbing, pleading, non- stopping, hoping for nothing and yet begging... "Please, don`t... don`t please..."
And his face is wet, whether with sweat or tears they can`t tell.
And they can only hope that he wouldn`t remember any of this. None of this.
/
Young opened his eyes, as TJ softly called him.
"Yes, yes, sure. Take you time. I`ll call you."
And she was gone.
And the room was quiet.
And Rush`s breathing was quiet.
/
And how he is motionless and still. Defeated.
His breathing is shallow and he stares into nothingness, as if he finally managed to shut himself off.
As TJ kneels near him with the syringe a flash of recognition shoots into his eyes.
" No... "- this time it is a whisper. Because he knows she hears him and he knows she won`t help him. No one would.
And tears slowly slip down his temples- and this is far, far worse than when his screaming had been mixed with sobbimg...
And a look of betrayal settles on his face just before unconsciousness claims him.
And now it was over. For how long?
/
Young didn`t want to get up and walk to the gurney and look at the man. But he did it.
And the look of betrayal was still there...
And now he felt nothing - nothing - but raw compassion for the man he had seen at his most vulnerable. Whom he hed seen pass the breaking- point. Whom he had pushed towards it.
Whom he was now looking at - seeing the ravages wrought in his face by his despair and pain and mounting helplessness...
Whom he had heard beg, sobbingly, chokingly plead for the mercy he knew he wouldn`t get. Whom he had seen driven to the edge and pushed over. Whom he had seen betrayed.
Whom he had betrayed.
And yes, he was wrong.
The worst part was still ahead.