Why'd you go and break what's already broken
Ashley crept into their penthouse quietly she and Spencer had been fighting so much recently about how they never spent any time together anymore due to Ashley's busy work schedule. Spencer told her she felt like Ashley cared more about the bands and musicians she signed than their relationship. She had decided the band could fend for themselves for a few nights on their tour and had caught an early flight back, hoping to surprise the blonde. Maybe patch up their dying relationship before it was too late.
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
She left her bags by the door, she could make all the noise she wanted some other time, it was after all already 1AM and she never really knew if Spencer wanted to stay up or not. Creeping quietly across the marbled floors she did a little dance inside as every silent footstep brought her closer to her oh so beautiful fiancé. She would probably just snuggle right up in bed and spoon with Spencer. Try not to wake the blonde and come morning she'll make Spencer breakfast in bed. Pushing the bedroom door open the brunette's eyes adjusted to the darkness. An unfamiliar smell that didn't feel like home hit her nostrils. It made her brows furrow, because if anything it smelled like cologne. As if her senses heightened her eyes suddenly saw everything so clearly. It made her smile fall and shatter. Her stomach dropped so heavily she thought she might throw up. And she could swear she both felt and heard her heart stop beating. In bed, on her side was a man snuggled up to Spencer. The way she had planned on doing so just seconds ago. His face buried in her beautiful blonde locks, smelling her hair that Ashley had longed to run her fingers through. His arms wrapped around her holding her to him.
How long till this goes away
Stumbling back the brunette knocked over a pencil cup, the noise shattered the silence awakening both lovers. Panicking the brunette turned and ran grabbing her purse and her shoes she left the penthouse fleeing towards her car. Back in the penthouse Spencer jumped to the sound dazed, confused, and quite frightened by it she shook the man lying next to her.
"Aiden!" no response, "AIDEN!" her whispers harsher. He finally woke up with a grunt.
"Wha-mm" He asked trying to snuggle back into the pillow.
"I heard something and I don't remember if I locked the door. Go check!"
Sighing he got up picked up his discarded boxers and pulled them on before venturing into the dark house. He looked left and right noticing the spilled stationary. And then his eyes settled on the abandoned suitcases by the door.
"Hey Spence?" He called out as the blonde emerged the room wearing his large dress shirt.
"What? Who was it?"
"Well it was the pencils. But whose bags are those?" He jerked his fingers towards the mysterious luggage. Noticing how his girlfriend's face paled at the sight.
"Oh Shit… oh no no no no. Fuck. Damn it!" Her eyes brimmed with tears and he frowned.
"What the hell is going on?"
"Fuck! I'm engaged Aiden. I'm engaged." She surrendered to the guilt and let it all loose. "Those are her bags."
"HER? Wait, Spence, you-you're engaged? Where the hell is your ring?" His eyebrows jumped up in confusion.
"Okay when I met you Ashley and I just fought, and I got pissed. Took off my ring, and…then well, we happened."
Aiden's looked around. Ashley…penthouse…he looked around at the walls of CDs, the wall mounted with several guitars, then noticed for the first time the picture of Raiffe Davies and an attractive brunette smiling.
"You're engaged to Ashley fucking Davies?" His voice stunned.
Spencer nodded as she ran her fingers through her hair frustrated with herself.
"Okay Aiden, you need to leave. And I need-I-I need. Fuck I have to go find Ashley."
Aiden nodded slowly and returned to the bedroom getting dressed as her pulled on his jeans, Spencer took off his shirt and pulled on her robe. It had a "Mrs. Carlin Davies" embroidery design on it. And she felt more naked wearing the robe than when she had taken off Aiden's shirt.
Aiden silently finished dressing and turned to grab his bag. Not knowing what to say to the woman he thought he could someday love who had turned out to be married to a big time music producer which happened to be a woman as well. He simply turned nodded awkwardly at the blonde and left.
Spencer's head hung shamefully on her frame. All alone. Again.
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time I do
Ashley's Porsche made a small rumbling noise as she pushed on even harder on the accelerator. She tried to clear her mind of the image of a man with his arm wrapped around the woman she loved. But every time she tried all she got in return were images of what they were doing previous to their falling asleep in each other's arms. Tears filled in her eyes as she tried hard to bite them down. But she could feel them coming, from the tightening in her throat, to the tickle in her eyes, to the feel of a small droplet of water, one of many making its way down her cheek. She drove blindly and stopped the car looking around she almost smiled at where she had automatically driven to. Almost, smiling seemed too painful a thing to do right now. She got out of her car locking its doors and began to make her way down the sandy paths to the beach.
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
She didn't stop walking until she reached the water, she watched as it licked at the sand. Some waves got higher than other did. She sat down where the sand was dry, but close to where the sea had seemed to reach its furthest. The wet sand showed evidence that the see had washed over it many a times. Leaving down with a shaking finger she traced a capital letter, 'A', and a capital letter, 'S', into the sand. She drew heart around the two and sat staring at the sea. Over the next few minutes the sea had slowly lapped at the letters in the sand. Slowly destroying the etchings and left just the wet flat earth in front of the depressed brunette. All it took was some time and we were bound die. She bitterly thought as her mind continued to torture her with pictures of her fiancé in the throes of pleasure as a man held onto her body.
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
The picture seemed impossible to her. Spencer? Cheat on her? And with a man? It was impossible and yet she had seen it with her very eyes. Her brain went into denial. There had to be another reason for two people to be holding each other that intimately in bed, naked… She tried harder than ever to come up with a reason. But all her brain could come up with was, her beautiful Spencer had cheated on her. She had finally broken their already cracked relationship.
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
The brunette inhaled sharply taking in the smell of midnight wind in Los Angeles and the sea. The sand. It used to be so comforting and now all it did was remind her of the times she and Spencer had spent here. But she didn't know where else to go. She could go to Kyla's place but she wanted to be more in control of herself before she went sobbing to her sister. The only person that had really seen her lose control of her emotions was Spencer. But she couldn't go crying to the blonde about this. She frowned as she thought about how his arms were wrapped around the blonde's torso. How Spencer cradled his arm like a child to her chest. Their fingers were interlaced. And Spencer had looked so…peaceful.
How long till this goes away
Angrily swiping at the tears she could only think on one way to make the pain leave her. One way that would numb her so fast that pain would mean nothing. She hated to admit it, but mass amounts of alcohol was the answer. Getting to her feet she angrily kicked sand towards the sea. That's for making us disappear. Silly of her to blame it on the sea, but at the time she needed to blame it on someone. And she could not for the life of her blame Spencer.
I can't seem to get my heart over you
Cause you creep into everything I do
Ashley drove to her favorite bar, she knew Sean would understand. Sure he knew when to stop serving alcohol but given the circumstances and the fact that they were old friends. He'd probably happily let her slip with a few extra drinks. With on hand on the steering wheel she looked at the empty passenger seat, at the middle where the glove compartment rest. Where she and Spencer used to rest their intertwined hands as she drove. She remember looking over and seeing the blonde's smiling face, the wind whipping her hair back. As time passed Ashley blamed everything possible. She went from the sea, to the universe, to God, to her worklife, her band, herself, the man. Everyone and everything was put to blame. Every little thing but Spencer.
And now I'm dying to know
How he touches you
She looked down at her watch. Her eyes were beginning to swell from the tears. It was almost 3. Sean would be a pal and keep it open for her. She hopped out of the car and walked in slowly. Business was slow but then again it was almost closing time. She made her way to the door. Wonderful that was a full half a minute of not thinking about how some douchebag asshole is fucking your fiancé. Images flashed across her face again, in this one the man lying next to Spencer was smiling cockily at Ashley in her head.
"Hey Ash!" Sean frowned noticing that it was not a time to be happy. "Whoa, woman you look like shit."
Ashley allowed the smallest, and meekest of smiles to flash on her face.
"Sean do me a favor, leave me alone with your alcohol. I'll close up."
Sean knew what it meant, it had happened when Ashley's father died, and again when her first successfully signed band fell apart. It meant he gave Ashley the spare key and let her do her mourning her own way. Taking off his bartending apron he took the key from its hook on the wall. Approaching the broken brunette he kissed her on the head and hugged her to him. It took all of Ashley's will and strength not to break down into sobs in his arms.
"You come talk to me when you're ready 'kay Ash?" His soft voice comforted her.
"Okay." She said like an innocent child.
Smiling he turned off all but a few lights by the bar, and locked up the shop from the outside.
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
Ashley looked around. Alone. She thought a bitterly and approached the shelves. Stroking the bottles as if the touch itself soothed her broken heart. She grabbed the whiskey and took a swig from the bottle. The burning sensation gave her some happiness. For hours now she had felt nothing but depression and desperation. To feel something. It was good. Approaching the piano in the bar she touched the soft wood. Sean had a pianist play every few nights. And had amateur hours sometimes. She sat down in the chair and felt at the familiar white and black keys. They molded into her fingers as if returning home. Funny she thought frowning, going back to Spencer always felt like going home…here she sat in a deserted bar with nothing but her whiskey and the piano and she felt comfortable. A tune began to play into the sad lonely room that only hours ago was filled with happy chatter. The music coiled its way into hard to reach places. Between cracks in the walls, wrapping itself around the chairs and tables. It coated the room in the sad tint of blue.
Spencer swore a few more times fumbling through her closet she threw one sweatpants, a t-shirt and a hoodie. She didn't know what she was going to say to Ashley. She knew she was madly in love with Ashley at some point. But she also knew that over time they had fallen out of love. And she had started seeing Aiden and there was excitement there. There was passion. More than anything she knew she didn't want to lose Ashley Davies. She knew of three places Ashley would have gone. The beach where Spencer first admitted to the musician that she was gay. Sean's bar where Ashley had gone after her dad's death and the fall out of her first band. And Kyla's. She grabbed her phone and the keys to her Honda Fit. With that leaving the house, and in the dark the suitcases still sat by the door. And the pencils were still strewn across the ground.
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
Ashley played through her whole song her eyes closed feeling each key as she touched it. In her mind she was playing the song to her beautiful blonde. In her mind Spencer had been seated right next to her smiling. In her head after she finished the blonde had leaned in for a quick kiss. But as she opened her eyes she was reminded of her loneliness. Of the semi-dark, cozy, and yet so empty bar she sat in. And the most painful memory that stabbed at her brain was the image of Spencer wrapped in someone else's embrace. Of Spencer snuggled comfortable into someone else's body.
The blonde's Honda Fit raced down the road, it was abandoned at this time in the morning. The car screeched to a halt as she ran from the car to the beach. She searched as far as she could see. From under the dock where she had told Ashley to the spot in which they had happily tanned. But all that remained of the brunette's presence had been washed away by the sea. Spencer looked at the rising tides, her own tears falling fast. A feeble word escaped her lips, it was more whispered than said as she was too scared to trust her own voice, "Ashley." But the wind came and whipped the words from her lip, carrying it into the dark sky.
Ducking her head Spencer retreated to her car. She would go to Sean's bar. Ashley had to be there. Please God let her be there.
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
Ashley took another swig from the whiskey bottle. She had now gone through a good half of the bottle and was beginning to feel more than the burn. In fact if anything the whiskey was igniting the flame of hatred once more. Only this time it turned on the one person Ashley had yet to blame. "Spencer Carlin Davies my ass." She mumbled stumbling from the piano seat where she had sat for so long staring into space and drinking. She made her way to the bar where she found her second bottle of whiskey. She would pay Sean back tomorrow. The anger boiled, and the heat was overbearing. Ashley wanted to know so many things. She wanted to know why Spencer had cheated. She wanted to know who the fuck it was with. She wanted to know how many times. And for fuck sakes she wanted to know how long it would take for her heart to beat regularly again. Her phone rang and she looked at the caller ID. It flashed Spencer. Shaking her drunken head she yelled back at her ringing phone. "NO! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!"
Spencer sighed in defeat and acceptance when she got Ashley's voicemail. She sounded so happy in her recorded message. Pushing down on the gas pedal harder she raced towards the bar. She pulled up in the parking lot of the familiar bar. She was both relieved and nervous to see the black Porsche sitting in the parking lot. She got out of her car and walk cautiously towards the bar as if it were a sleeping beast. As she approached the glass door her heart broke. There sitting on the barstool was her fiancé. She had forgotten how beautiful Ashley was, they spent so much time apart. The beautiful face was dejected. Broken. Empty.
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
Ashley took another large gulp of the alcohol, a figure by the front door shifted. She busied herself with finding a cup with ice since the second bottle was significantly warmer than the first.
"SORRY WE'RE CLOSED!" She drunkenly yelled her head still ducked behind the bar counted.
"ASH! PLEASE."
The voice froze Ashley. Her head hung limply, I hate that I'm so predictable sometimes. She got her ice and a large cup filling it with whiskey.
Spencer hated the silence. "Ashley I'm sorry! Please can we just, can we start over?"
Still silence Ashley still hidden behind the bar counter chugging down her whiskey as if it would help her heart from breaking every time she heard Spencer's desperate pleas.
"Please can we start over? We can start from back when we were friends!"
As if this idea were to make Ashley feel better. It did quite it opposite. The brunette stood up showing herself from behind the bar. Her cup refilled a good few times.
"Friends?" she inquired dangerously that made Spencer stop dead and fear she had said the wrong thing.
"I come home, find you in bed after fucking another man." There was a pause as if to let them settle in. And they did, every one of those words stung Spencer like a slap to the face.
"And all you have to say to me is let's be fucking friends?" Ashley's anger boiled over, they spoke through a glass door but it was as if Spencer could feel Ashley's waves of anger rolling towards her.
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
Spencer winced at the words, but Ashley was too far gone to care. She was too drunk to notice, too angry to care, and too depressed to realize.
"I'm Sorry Ashley! I'm Sorry." Spencer could only utter these words desperately. Tears rolled down her face and soaked into her blonde hair. But Ashley too had tears spilling from her brown eyes. Both were unsure whether they were angry tears or sad tears. But Ashley made the decision for them. She did not want to break down in front of Spencer. Anger it was.
With one finger
I said fuck that
"Fuck you Spence." Her hand mocked Spencer held up as it flipped her off. Spencer was shocked, Ashley had never spoken so crassly to her.
"Ash-" the blonde was speechless. What was she supposed to say? Ashley had never been this rude to her before.
"I said FUCK YOU Spencer Carlin. Get the fuck out of my face."
There was a second for Spencer to mourn the fact that Ashley hadn't called her Spencer Carlin Davies, and then she registered the next sentenct.
"Ashley I don't want-"
"GOOOOO! GOD DAMN IT SPENCER JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE! GO! FOR FUCK SAKE'S GET THE FUCK OUR OF HERE!"
With tears streaming down her face of how harsh the brunette could be towards her Spencer backed away in disbelief. Her face contorted in pain as she sobbed. She whispered, "I'm sorry." One last time before she turned and fled.I can tell you're lying when your lips move
Cause of one lie it's not me it's you
Ashley still sobbing in the empty bar gripped at her phone desperately. She dialed the number and within seconds came the annoyed voice of her sister.
"What Ash?" A sleepy voice asked.
"Ky…could…you…please" she stopped to try to control her breathing as her cries still ran through her body.
Kyla Wood Davies was up within seconds, Ashley never cried like this.
"Ashley honey what's wrong?"
The care in her sister's voice made it harder than ever for Ashley to speak. "pick…me up…at…" She sniffed again, "Sean's bar."
Kyla sprung out of bed grabbed a hoodie her car keys and left the house quickly.
"I'll be right there hun."
Dial tone.
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
Ashley thought back to Spencer. She's not sorry. She looked so peaceful, so rested, so…happy in his arms. Besides why would she be sorry that last time the blonde and brunette had had a face to face conversation Spencer had told her to marry her job. And go fuck herself. Yeah she certainly sounded sorry then. The brunette clutched onto her cup tightly as she refilled it again taking for sips as the cold liquid burned her insides.
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
There was frantic knocking at the door and as Ashley turned around to either tell off kids looking for trouble, or tell Spencer to leave again, she saw her worried sister standing at the door. Walking forwards she unlocked the door allowing Kyla in. The younger Davies slipped in quietly and locked the door behind her. Her sister had a cup of whiskey clutched to her like a life raft, and by the looks of it, she had had more than enough for tonight.
"Ashley. What's wrong?" Kyla tried not to sound alarming, her voice calm and level.
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
With a few strangled attempts to speak, Ashley finally came up with, "They were in our bed." And she couldn't bear to bring herself to anymore than that. But it was enough for Kyla to understand. She frowned, how could Spencer. How could she ever? But instead of wording out her thoughts she hugged the her sister close to her. Ashley finally let it all go. Everything she had tried to hold in. All the tears she had tried so hard to control. She collapsed sobbing into her sister's shoulders. And the two fell to the floor wrapped in each other's caring embrace as Kyla gently rocked her sister. It broke her heart to see Ashley like this, she was such a strong person.
Spencer was crying as she drove home. She had nowhere else to go. And all she could do now was return to the scene of the crime. She frowned as the words replayed in her head. Ashley had never spoken like that to her. She had never acted like that in front of her. And it scared Spencer, it scared her so much she wanted to run from the brunette. Where was the loving girl she had fallen in love with all those years ago? The one that snuck into her house just so they could spend the night holding hands? The one that bought her a teddy bear after she got stitches? The one that wrote her the most beautiful songs dedicated to her and her alone? In that moment she hadn't seen a trace of the Ashley she had known and it scared her to the very core.
How long till this goes away
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Kyla cradled the crying Ashley for the longest time, Kyla too was crying. She was crying because Ashley was crying. She was sad because her sister was sad. In between her sobs Ashley had managed to tell Kyla of what she and Spencer fighting over for the past month. What she had planned on doing, and what she had instead walked in on. The thing that happened at the beach. Spencer's desperate attempts to explain and her refusal to hear them. There in the empty bar room, for the first time Ashley opened up fully to Kyla. Letting Kyla see her at her most vulnerable moments.
As for Spencer she had arrived home. Numbly picked up the fallen pencils. She changed into her pajamas. Her face blank, feeling nothing. She was simple shocked, her world was emotionless, passionless without her brunette in it. She looked around the house for something to do, perhaps for fallen pencil cups. But only found Ashley's luggage and feared touching them. She returned to bed and hugged Ashley's pillow to her chest but it smelled of Aiden. And it made her sick. She ran to the bathroom hands clutching her stomach and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. Rinsing out her mouth she shuffled to the closet where she grabbed a random hoodie of Ashley's. Holding it to herself as she curled up on the bed once more, the comforting scent of the brunette hit her nostrils. And she half smiled, have sighed, and her heart broke a little more.
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
After what seemed like hours Ashley's tear ducts had exhausted themselves and all that was left were uneven breaths, and her tearstained face. Kyla still rocked her, and they remained seated on the floor for another few minutes before Kyla suggested that she drive Ashley back to her place. Where Ashley could stay the night with her. She looked down but it appeared that the brunette had gone catatonic. Her eyes were blank and she barely realized what she was doing.
Kyla asked again to make sure, "Ash, honey, do you want to come home with me?"
On the drive back Kyla snuck looks over at her sister's still catatonic state, the tears had stopped, but she kind of preferred the tears, it showed that something was going on beneath the surface. Asking the musician if she was okay, only led to another silent nod that meant nothing. Finally giving up Kyla allowed Ashley to be lost in her head. She feared what Ashley was thinking, what the brunette was torturing herself with.
They got back and Kyla changed Ashley into a pair of boxers and a large t-shirt. Before laying the girl down in bed. Still in a catatonic stage, the younger of the two sisters leaned down and kissed Ashley on the forehead. She looked into the empty expression once more and whispered a, "let me know if you need me." Before she retreated back to her room. But as the night progressed not once did Ashley seek Kyla out for anything. And neither did her eyes shut, nor did either lovers, both Ashley and Spencer get any sleep.She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
The next morning Spencer paced through the house waiting for a decent hour to go to Kyla's house. She had to try. She couldn't give up on them. She messed things up and she was going to fix them. She looked at her watch, 7. I should probably wait until 8. Her shuffling continued. She had spent the night walking back and forth from the closet. Once one sweater started to lose its Ashley smell she had returned to another and yet another. Everything was clear to her. How she had let herself let go of such a thing she'll never know. Her feelings, the memories, all the times she and Ashley had spent together came rushing towards her like a splash of cold water last night. How could she have been so stupid as to do such a thing?
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
It was 8 in the morning and Kyla had been up since 6. She hadn't had the best sleep she had faded in and out of sleep. Worrying about Ashley. She got up and walked to the guestroom. The lump of Ashley's form was still under the blankets. Well it's good she slept, she must be exhausted. The doorbell rang and as Kyla turned to answer it the same haunted empty voice form last night called out from the lump under the blanket.
"I'll get it."
"Ash! I thought you were sleeping."
"Couldn't sleep."
With that the ghost like figure of Ashley Davies walked by Kyla and descended the stairs. Not much surprise flashed across her face when she was met with the blonde.
"Ashley." Her voice was pleading Ashley not to shut the door yet. Ashley obeyed and stood there features still blank. Both had eye bags from a night of not sleeping. \
"Ash. I am. So. So. So. Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. It was stupid."
The blonde noticed the lack of emotion, or activity of the brunette face and took a different course.
"I-I had a lot of time to think last night Ash. I miss us. I miss the old us. The us that would skip class together for a day at the beach. The us that used to sit up in my room painting our fingernails. The us that went on that crazy roadtrip."
A small twitch of emotion ran across Ashley's face, but not enough to set a fire, just a small spark was all.
"Please Ashley." The tears started rolling down the blonde's cheek again. "Please give me another chance?" She pleaded.
With one finger
With one finger
I said fuck that
Ashley looked as stone cold as ever in that moment. It made Spencer shiver in fear. Her face hadn't changed much, it was still the catatonic look that she had worn since last night. But yet it seemed so full of hate.
"Kyla will be over for my things." She said her voice almost monotonous. Spencer hung her head shamefully in defeat tears making marks on the concrete of Kyla's front steps. Ashley held up her hand once more. "Fuck you."