A/N: This chapter contains a brief reference to Fullmetal Alchemist.
Home at Last – Chapter 4
"You?!" gasped Light. "You—married?"
"That's right," L answered, and his expression, which had been patronizingly benevolent, became joyous and enthusiastic. He held his fists to his chest and looked skyward. "And she's perfect! The minute she entered Paradise, I knew she was the one for me! A match literally made in Heaven!"
"Oh, geez," muttered Light, crossing his arms again, and glancing up in disgust at the enraptured L. "Anybody I know?"
L let his arms down and turned back to Light, his face still beaming. "I think so. Do you remember Kyoko Ueda?"
"Kyo—wait a minute, wasn't she that dumpy little four-eyed ditz that had a crush on you in college?"
L giggled. "She's not so dumpy now. Wanna see?" He reached into a pocket in his jeans and pulled out some photographs.
Light was taken aback. "Heaven's got cameras?"
"Yup." L flew down to stand beside Light, but his feet, instead of touching the gruesome surface of the ground, remained about an inch above it. He held a photo out for Light to see. "See? That's her," he exclaimed in childish delight.
Light was stunned. "That's Kyoko? She's…she's gorgeous! But…but she was nothing to look at back on Earth."
"Well, just as your appearance was changed for the worse to accord with the shinigami realm, hers was improved to accord with Paradise. That's what usually happens." He took the photo back and held it up over his head. Gazing up at it lovingly, he whirled around, scattering multi-colored scintillations as he turned. He stopped, coming face to face with Light.
Light drew in very close and sneered, "So why didn't they improve your appearance?"
L stared back at him, and grinned from ear to ear. "It wasn't necessary."
Exasperated, Light stamped off a few feet, then wheeled around to accost Ryuk indignantly. Jabbing a thumb in L's direction, he demanded, "Ryuk, are the blessed allowed to be that smug?"
Ryuk chuckled and replied, "Seems so." He turned to L. "So, any kids?"
L threw his arms wide and sang out happily, "I thought you'd never ask! I had no idea back on Earth that it would be so wonderful to have a family!" He brought his hands back down in front of him as if to indicate the size of a fish he'd just caught. His face lit up even more as he continued almost breathlessly, "We've got two, a girl named Akiko, and a boy named Katsuo, and they look just like me! And we've got a third one on the way!"
Light made a face. "Oh, peachy."
A small sheaf of photos appeared in L's right hand. He handed the stack of photos to Light; Ryuk peered curiously over Light's shoulder. "See what I mean?" L went on joyously. "They're the spittin' image of me!"
Light sighed and glanced down at the top photo, then looked impatiently back at L. "L, you need to have your eyes checked. This little girl on the trike doesn't resemble you at all!"
L's glee changed to puzzlement. "Really? Lemme see that." He took the photos back and peered closely at the first one. "Oh, you're right. She isn't my daughter. Her name is Elysia Hughes. If you think I'm a besotted father, you ought to see this kid's dad! Now let's see if I can find a really cute one…" He started shuffling through the photos.
"Now look, L," Light interrupted irritably, "I'm sure you've got just the most golly gosh lovely family, et cetera, but frankly, I'm not interested. Can we get back to the matter at hand?"
L's expression reverted to one of bland condescension. "As you wish," he replied, pocketing the photos. "The matter at hand, I take it, is you?"
Light became somewhat defensive. He was growing tired of being branded as self-centered, when he had sacrificed so much for the good of humanity on Earth. "Well," he murmured, "you did come for my benefit, didn't you?"
L nodded. "And to bring Ryuk his apple, yes."
"So what's there to do in this blah place, anyway? I'm going to go bonkers here."
Ryuk cackled. "Judging by your behavior so far, you already have." He cringed as Light shot him a hostile glare.
L conjured up a large, multicolored spiral lollypop, and started sucking on it absently while appearing deep in thought. "Well," he remarked at length, "I guess I could introduce you to a certain shinigami. Like you, he's a former human, and…"
Once again, the sharp pangs of homesickness pierced through Light. The wound was still raw, and he lashed back at L. Holding his claws up in a strangling gesture, he howled, "Don't say that! Don't ever say that again, you hear me?"
Ryuk drew in close to L's ear and held a hand up to the side of his mouth. "Oh, yeah," he confirmed in a dramatic stage whisper, "he's pretty touchy about that."
"Ah, I see," L replied. "Well, OK. Anyway, this shinigami has kept quite busy since he got here. I've actually been helping him with his activity. I'll let him tell you about it—once I wake him up, that is. You may have noticed that none of the other inhabitants have come up to us since I arrived. That's because I've cast a sound sleep on them. If I hadn't, they'd be clamoring around me like fans at a rock concert."
"Asking for your autograph?" sneered Light sarcastically.
"Asking for favors. The blessed come down here only rarely, and the shinigami naturally want to make the most of a visit. The one sleeping on that pile of rocks over there is the one I'm going to wake up." He pointed with his lollypop.
Light looked over to where L was pointing. He had mistaken the sleeping death god for part of the rock pile.
L continued. "Remember how I told you that my appearance didn't need any improvement when I entered Paradise?" Light's sour glare told him that he did remember. "Well, this guy didn't need much of a makeover to conform to this realm. You'll see." He called out to the heap curled up on the stones. "Hey, Kyosuke! Come over here!"
The shinigami stirred, stretched, and sat up. He still looked like a bunch of rocks. Rising slowly, he ambled over to the trio at the foot of the cliff.
"Hi-Higuchi?" stammered Light. "I remember you!"
The shinigami looked startled, and seeing Light, an expression of pure hatred seized his face. "And I know you, Yagami!" Higuchi snarled back. "You're the one who killed me!" He kicked Light savagely on the left shin.
"Ow! Why you—" Light moved to return the favor.
"Light!" L raised his voice imperiously and shook his lollypop in warning. "Admit it. You had that coming. Now calm down if you don't want to be paralyzed again."
Huffing furiously, Light shut up, but continued trading poisonous glares with Higuchi.
"You might want to come to reasonably amicable terms with each other," L continued. "Higuchi is the only shinigami I know who actually has a business."
"The only one I know of, too," remarked Ryuk.
L assumed the air of a teacher leading a discussion group. "Suppose you tell us about it, Kyosuke?" He went back to sucking on his candy.
Higuchi twisted his mouth into a grotesque shape that was his version of a smile. "Sure, L." He looked again at Light with a mixture of distaste and superiority, then launched into what was clearly a well-rehearsed sales pitch. "I run a tour company, Dante Travels. The repertoire of destinations is still rather limited, but quite a few of my fellow shinigami"—he seemed proud to claim them as his fellows—"are in fact repeat customers."
In spite of himself, Light found himself intrigued by the spiel. "So where do you go?" he asked in a tone of genuine interest.
"Hell."