Disclaimer: DIVERGENT AND ALL IT'S CHARACTERS BELONG TO VERONICA ROTH!
(Tris POV)
When I wake up, I don't feel much. I must be tripping. The only feeling I have is my head feeling fuzzy. Shouldn't I be feeling like hell considering I got my ass kicked? The only pain I have is the headache when I try to think straight.
"Is her eye black?" I hear someone say.
I open an eye and keep the other shut. I really don't want to move right now in case I may cause pain. I see that sitting to my right are Will and Al. Christina sits on the bed to my left with an ice pack on her jaw.
"What happened to your face?" I ask her. I don't seem to have a filter at the moment. I must be like Christina.
She laughs. "Look who's talking. Should we get you an eye patch?"
"Well, I already know what happened to my face. I was there. Sort of." I say.
"Did you just make a joke, Tris?" Will asks suddenly. Wow, I really must be carefree at the moment. How can I be carefree when I'm in a bed injured? "We should get you painkillers more often if you're going to start cracking jokes. Oh, and to answer your question-I beat her up."
He beat her!? Oh, wait. No, but still. I thought they were two little flirtation devices that liked each other. I would've never expected for Will to lay a hand on her, even for initiation.
"I can't believe you couldn't beat Will" Al says, shaking his head.
"What? He's good." She says with a shrug. Mmhmm. Sure that's why you let him win. "Plus, I think I've finally learned how to stop losing. I just need to stop people from punching me in the jaw."
"You know, you'd think you would've figured it out already." He says with a wink. I smirk. "Now I know why you're not Erudite." He's referring to one of the other gangs. One I don't think Dauntless favors too much but they still seem like an ally. "Not too bright, are you?"
"You feeling okay, Tris?" Al asks. I take a good look at him and notice how much he's changed since the beginning. His eyes are darker, his cheeks looks rough, like if he didn't shave it, he'd have a thick beard. He doesn't even look young enough to be sixteen. He looks like…well…a man.
"Yeah. Just wish I could stay here forever so I never have to see Peter again." I say.
I don't exactly know what this place is though. I'm in a large, narrow room with a row of beds on either side. Some of the beds have curtains between them. On the right side, is a nurse's station. This must be the infirmary. The woman looks over at us over her clipboard. I've never seen a nurse with so many piercings before. But I guess this is all we have. Why would gangs want to interfere with the public and let real doctors get into our personal lives? This is all we have.
The first time I went to a hospital was when I was six. My mother fell on the sidewalk and broke her arm. Hearing her scream made me burst into tears. Caleb took control of the situation and just ran to my father like no big deal. When we were in the hospital, I watched as they fixed her arm with care. But here, you just hope for the best. It's not a hospital, it's an infirmary with the best nurses you can get in a gang.
"Don't worry about Peter. He'll at least get beat up by Edward, who has been studying hand-to-hand combat since we were ten year old. For fun." Will says. Does everyone here know each other? Did they grow up on the streets together? I only know Peter and Christina just a little but our friendship has grown. Christina's not Peter's. I would rather die than be friends with Peter.
"Good." Christina says then checks her watch. "I think we're missing dinner. Do you want to stay here, Tris?"
I shake my head. "I'm fine." Christina gives me a look and I already know what she wants to say. Why don't you eat more? Well the truth is, when you lived your past two years having a hard time making money, you have nothing to buy food with and you learn how to get passed days without eating. So now, when I try to eat like an average person, my stomach makes me want to regurgitate everything.
Christina and Will get up, but Al waves them to go ahead. "I just wanted to tell you that you missed Eric's announcement. We're going on a field trip tomorrow, to the fence, to learn about Dauntless jobs. We have to be at the train by eight fifteen." He says.
"Fence?" I ask.
He chuckles. "Tris, we have a fence. Every gang has a fence. You didn't think Dauntless was just one building, right?" He asks.
I shrug. "I…never thought about it. I-I thought it looked like a normal place compared to when I was looking over it on the train." I say.
"It would but this area specifically is just for gangs. Cops know it. All of the public knows it. They just don't care anymore. We're people they can't help and aren't worth their time. We're outcasts." He says. That's a good way to put it.
I nod. "Ok. Thanks for telling me." I say with a small smile.
"And don't pay attention to Christina. Your face doesn't look that bad. I mean, it looks good. It always looks good. I mean-you look brave. Dauntless." He says. I can see the blush of embarrassment flooding over his cheeks.
His eyes skirt to mine and he scratches the back of his head. What a way to make this become awkward. I wish he would just leave the room. It was a nice thing to say, but he acts like it meant more than just words. I hope I'm wrong. I can't be attracted to Al. Nobody that fragile. I smile a little to show him no harm, hoping it will diffuse the tension.
"I should let you rest." He says and gets up to leave but I grab his wrist before he can start walking away.
"Al, are you okay?" He looks at me blankly. "I mean, is it getting any easier?" I ask.
"Uh…" He shrugs. "A little." He mumbles.
He pulls his hand free and shoves it in his pocket. This question must have embarrassed him because I've never seen him so red. I think he knows I think he's weak in my eyes. I don't want to be mean, but…he is. He is weak. I would be embarrassed too.
"I lost to Drew. After your fight with Peter. I took a few hits, fell down, and stayed there. Even though I didn't have to. I figure…I figure that since I beat Will, if I lose all the rest, I won't be ranked last, but I won't have to hurt anyone anymore." He says.
"Is that really what you want?" I ask.
"I just can't do it. Maybe that means I'm a coward." He says, looking down and shaking his head.
"You're not a coward just because you don't want to hurt people." I say. I don't even know if I'm speaking the truth, I'm just trying to be nice.
For a moment, we're both still, looking at each other. His eyes are boring into mine and I feel a shiver run down my spine. It's like he's trying to look into my brain and see what I really think. My honest answer is; if he is a coward, it isn't because he doesn't enjoy pain. It's because he refuses to act.
He gives me a pained look. "That's not really what you wanted to say, was it?" He asks. That was…blunt.
I don't know how to answer that. "I don't know. I don't understand my own thoughts at the moment, Al." I say.
"I think what you really want to say is bad. Yeah, it's already hard enough. I agree with what you really want to say." He says with a nod and walks out the door before I get another word out.
All I can think about is how I may have just lost a friend. I was trying to be nice but it backfired and he believes I only think the worst of him.But don't you? All you ever think about is how weak he is. This is why I don't have friends. This is why I don't get close. Because everybody that gets close to me, gets hurt. Whether it's physically or emotionally.
The next morning, I'm woken from my nightmare by Christina shaking my shoulder with one hand and tapping my cheek with the other. Why didn't I wake up? And when did I get back to the dormitory? I must have been really tired. She's wearing a black jacket zipped up to her throat. I don't see any bruises on her. Did she fight yesterday?
"Come on. Up and at 'em" She says.
I dreamt that Peter tied me to a chair and asked me if I was Divergent. How would I have known? Plus I'm in Dauntless. So how does that make me Divergent? I don't understand why I'd take the chance of rebelling against Dauntless. I told him no of course and he started punching me until I said yes. But I'm not! I touch my cheeks to feel water on them. I wipe them off with the back of my hands.
I meant to say something but instead all that comes out is a groan. My body is finally letting me enjoy the pain of course instead of the numbness. On the day I have to get up and do something. FML. Christina offers me her hand. I look to the clock and see it's eight. We're supposed to be at the train tracks by eight fifteen.
"I'll run and get us some breakfast. You just…get ready. Looks like it might take you a while." She says.
I grunt. I try to fumble in the drawer under my bed for a clean shirt without bending my waist. I'm happy Peter isn't here to see this. Once Christina leaves, the dormitory is empty.
I unbutton my shirt and stare at my bare side, which is patched with bruises. For a second the colors mesmerize me. My bruises are bright green, deep blue, and brown. Then it disgusts me. I quickly change and let my hair hand loose because I can't lift my arms to tie it back. Well, I wonder what others will think when they finally see my hair down. Others seem to prefer it that way.
I look at my reflection in the small mirror on the back wall and pause. I'm looking at a stranger. She's blonde, with a narrow face but that's where similarities stop. I don't have a black eye, split lip, or bruised jaw. I'm not as pale as a sheet. She can't be me. But she moves when I do.
By the time Christina comes back, with a muffin for each of us, I'm sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at my shoes. I'm going to have to bend over to tie them. I don't want to do it. Luckily, Christina notices, hands me my muffin, and crouches down to tie my shoes. Gratitude surges in my chest, warm and little like an ache. Maybe there is selflessness in everyone, even in Dauntless. Well, except for Peter.
"Thank you." I say with a smile.
"Well, we would never get there on time if you had to tie them yourself. Come on. You can walk and eat at the same time, right?" She asks.
I nod and I get up. We rush towards the Pit. I take a bit of the muffin. Its banana flavored with walnuts. I remember my mom baking bread like this to give to the homeless but I never got to try it. I was too old for coddling at that point. I ignore the pinch in my stomach when I think of her. I think of my mother and half jog, half walk after Christina, who forgets her strides are longer than mine. I hate being so short.
We climb the steps from the Pit to the glass building above it and bolt to the exit. Every time I step down, shooting pain sends up to my ribs but I ignore it. We make it to the tracks as soon as the train arrives, luckily. It's horns are blaring.
"What took you so long?" Will asks.
"Stumpy Legs over here turned into an old lady overnight." Christina says.
"Oh, shut up." I say, only half joking.
Four stands in front of us, so close to the tracks that if he just shifted an inch forward, the train would take his nose off. Is he not scared of anything? He steps back to let some other get on first. Will hoists himself onto the car with some difficulty, landing first on his stomach then dragging his legs in behind him. Four grabs the handle and pulls himself in easily, like he doesn't have six feet of body to work with.
I jog next to the car, wincing at the pain shooting through my body. I grit my teeth and grab the handle. This is going to hurt like a bitch. Al grabs my under both arms and pulls me in the car with ease. Pain shoots through my side but just for a second. I see Peter behind him looking at me with a mocking smile and my cheeks burn red. Al was trying to be nice so I smile at him. I wish people didn't want to be so nice sometimes. Now Peter has more chances to make fun of me.
"Feeling okay there?" Peter asks looking at me with mock sympathy. His lips are turned down and he arches his eyebrows in. "Or are you a little…Stiff?" Is it illegal to kill someone in Dauntless?
He bursts into laughter at his joke and of course, like the puppets they are, Molly and Drew join in. Molly has an ugly laugh. She snorts and her shoulders shake. Drew's is silent, like he's in pain. They look so stupid.
"We are all awed by your incredible wit." Will says,
"Yeah, are you sure you don't belong with the Erudite, Peter? I hear they don't object to sissies." Christina says.
Four, who's standing in the doorway, cuts in before Peter can say anything. "Am I going to have to listen to your bickering all the way to the fence?"
Everyone suddenly becomes silent. Four turns back to the car's opening. He holds the handles on either side of him, and leans out so most of his body is outside the car, with his feet planted inside. The wind presses the shirt to his chest. I try to look past him and see a sea of crumbling buildings which get smaller as we go.
Every few seconds, my eyes shift back to Four. I'm not sure for what. I don't know what I expect to see, or what I want to see. But I do it without noticing.
"What do you think is out there?" I nod to the doorway. "I mean, beyond the fence." I ask Christina.
"Amity, I guess." She says, referring to one of the other gangs with a shrug.
"Yeah, but I mean…past the Amity. What are we guarding Dauntless from?" I ask.
She wiggles her fingers at me. "Monsters!" I roll my eyes.
"The fence is only there to separate all the gangs. I see it as more of a wall than a fence. There's also Dauntless guards there to keep any other gangs from trespassing or from us trying to run away. We can leave to the public but we can't try to run." Will says.
"Oh, yeah." I say. I remember that my dad was one of the people who voted to get Dauntless out of our city. He could have gone for any of the gangs. But for some reason, he hated this one. I guess I really am a disappointment to my family. He said the poor didn't need more violence, they needed help, and his organization could give it to them. But I would rather not mention that now, or here.
"Oh, right. I bet you saw them all the time." He says. What does he mean? Does he know about my old life?! How!
"Why do you say that?" I ask, a little too sharply.
"Because you had to pass the homeless sector to get to school right?" He asks. Oh, thank God. He's right. On the streets, everybody had to because the schools were in the city and we were more pushed to the outside.
"What did you do, memorize a map of the city for fun?" Christina asks.
"Yes. Didn't you?" He asks.
Luckily, we didn't have to answer that. He must have gone to a high payed school. The train's brakes squeal, and we lurch forwards as the train slows. I'm grateful for the movement because it makes standing easier for me. The dilapidated buildings are gone and are replaced by yellow fields and train tracks. The train stops under an awning. How big is this city? And how has no one ever discovered this before? I lower myself onto the grass, holding the handle to keep me steady.
Oh, now I get why Will said it looks like a wall. It's definitely as tall as one. I feel like we're treated worse than prisoners. There's a chain-link fence with barbed wire strung along the top. When I walk forward, I notice it continues on farther than I can see. Past the fence is a cluster of trees, most of them dead, some green. Shit, where are we? This part of the city is so ugly. Milling around of the other side of the fence are Dauntless guards carrying guns. Ok, well this gang really is violent.
"Follow me." Four says. We start walking and I stay close to Christina. I don't want to admit it, but I feel safer around her. If Peter were to taunt me, I know she'd defend me.
I scold myself for being such a coward in my head. Peter's insults shouldn't be bothering me. I should be focusing on getting better at combat, not dwelling how bad I did yesterday. I should be willing, if not able, to defend myself instead of relying on others.
Four leads us towards the gate which seems as wide as a house and opens to a cracked road that leads to Dauntless. I remember seeing something like this when I went on business trips with my family. I guess nobody really thinks of this when they leave a city. People see weird crap all the time anyway when their out of a city. Another pinch in my stomach. I need to stop thinking of my parents.
"If you don't rank in the top five at the end of initiation, you most likely will end up here." Four says as he reaches the gate. "Once you are a fence guard, there is some potential for advancement, but not much. You may be able to go on patrols beyond Amity's territory, but-"
"How exactly do we do that without getting caught?" Will asks. Exactly what I was thinking.
Four lifts a shoulder. "I suppose you'll discover that of you find yourself among them. As I was saying. For the most part, those who guard the fence when they are young continue to guard the fence. If it comforts you, some of them insist that it isn't as bad as it seems." He says.
"Yeah. At least we won't be driving buses or cleaning up other people's messes like the homeless." Christina whispers to me.
"What rank were you?" Peter asks Four.
I honestly didn't expect Four to answer, but he looks levelly at Peter and says, "I was first." Ooofff course he was.
"And you chose to do this?" Peter's eyes went wide. How come all of a sudden he looks innocent like I don't know what a terrible person he is?"Why didn't you get a higher job? Like a leader?"
"I didn't want one." Four says flatly. I remember what he said on the first day, about working in the control room, where Dauntless monitor our security. It's difficult for me to imagine him there, surrounded by computers. To me, it seems that it suits him better being in the training room.
I remember learning about these gangs while I lived on the streets. Dauntless has many varieties of jobs from guarding the fence to being a Dauntless leader. That sounds like the best option. The only problem is my rank is terrible. I'm probably going to be killed within the end of stage one.
We stop next to the gate. A few Dauntless guards glance at us but not many. They're too busy pulling doors, which are as tall as they are and three times wider, to let a truck in.
The man driving wears a hat, beard, and a smile. He stops just inside and gets out. The back of the trunk is open and I notice Amity are sitting among them. My God, are we allies with everyone? If so, why do we all want to kill each other the next minute? I guess it's better that Amity aren't much about killing. They just steal and sell drugs and act like hippies. I see that the Amity are taking crates off which hold apples.
"Beatrice?" I hear my name and jerk my head to the voice. Who the hell knows my name? I'm going to kill them.
I see a man with curly blonde hair and a familiar nose, wide at the tip and narrow at the bridge. Oh my God. Robert. Of all the places I thought he would be in his life, I didn't expect him in a game. Our enemy-ally no less. It makes me wonder where Susan is. Did she join him too?
Robert hops down from the truck. He wears a gray T-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. He hesitates for a second before he moves towards me. GO AWAY. DO NOT TOUCH ME. I want to scream but it's too late and he gathers me in his arms. I stiffen. I don't like affection. I don't want people to know about my past life. Please go away and act like you mistaken me for someone else. I don't move a muscle until he releases me. I move away and his smile fades when he looks at me again.
"Beatrice, what happened to you? What happened to your face?" He asks. Stop calling me by that name and fucking walk away.
"Nothing. Just training. Nothing." I say, basically snap. Can't he take a hint?
"Beatrice?" I hear a nasal voice next to me. Molly there with her arms folded and she's laughing. At least my name doesn't sound like a dogs. "Is that your real name, Stiff?"
I glance to her. "What did you think Tris was short for?" I snap.
"Oh, I don't know…weakling?" Oh, good comeback. She touches her chin. If her chin was bigger, it might balance out her nose, but it's weak and almost recedes into her neck. "Oh wait, that doesn't start with Tris. My mistake."
"There's no reason to antagonize her. I'm Robert, and you are?" Robert says softly. Robert, would you like to get your ass kicked? Leave! You must be high as fuck.
"Someone who doesn't care what your name is. Why don't you get back in your truck? We're not supposed to fraternize with other gang members." She says. Ok, I don't care if I'm still mad at him but he's trying to defend me and Molly, well she's always a bitch. Why not mess with her too?
"Why don't you get away from us?" I snap.
"Right. Wouldn't want to get between you and your boyfriend." She says, walking away, smiling. I watch her with a glare and glance to Four. He's looking at us with a glare.
Robert gives me a sad look. "They don't seem like nice people." Yeah, he's high.
"Some of them aren't. Plus, it's a gang, Robert. Are you forgetting that?" I say.
"You could go home, you know. I'm sure the city will let you come back and take care of you." He says. HA!
"What makes you think I want to go home? You think I can't handle this or something?" I ask, my cheeks heating up with madness.
"It's not that." He says, shaking his head. "It's not that you can't, it's that you shouldn't have to. You should be happy." He says. Has he forgotten why I left in the first place? My life stopped being happy two years ago. I don't give a shit about others anymore.
"This is what I chose. This is it." I say, firmly. I look over Robert's shoulder. The Dauntless guards seem to have finished examining the truck. The bearded man gets into the driver's seat and closes the door. "Besides, Robert. The goal of my life isn't…to be happy." I want to say just to be happy but the truth is, I doubt I ever will be. So it's better to just say that.
"Wouldn't it be easier if it was, though?" He asks. I don't think he understands that I couldn't leave anyways. This is the only way to stop trying to mess with my emotions anymore. Dauntless will control me. And I will let it. I can't depend on myself anymore.
Before I can answer, he touches my shoulder and turns toward the truck. How dare he talk to me about changing my life for the better and trying to be happy. Look where happiness got him. He's so full of bullshit, I swear. He hoists himself up and the girl sitting next to him starts strumming her banjo. The truck starts and they drive back out the fence, carrying the banjo sounds and warbling voice away.
Robert waves to me. A picture flashes in my mind. What if I joined that gang instead? A gang that values drugs and peace. I see myself in the back of the truck singing with the girl and laughing when I'm off-key. Climbing trees for fun, smoking blunts, always being happy. Happy. Right. That's bullshit.
The Dauntless guards close the gate and lock it behind them. The lock is on the outside. I bite my lip. Why would they lock the gate from the outside and not the inside? It also seems like they don't want to keep something out; they want to keep us in. I kind of understand but really right now, I feel like I was thrown in a prison that has taken control of my life. If I want to get away, I'm dead. Nothing more about it. I push the thought out of my head. I need to stop worrying myself all the time.
Four steps away from the fence, where he was talking to a female Dauntless with a gun balances on her shoulder a moment before. I study her for a moment. She's beautiful. Most of the girls in Dauntless are beautiful and this stupid little voice in my head thinking Four is hot will get me nowhere except thinking of how different I am from other girls. In a bad way. He walks towards me and I gulp. "I am worried that you have a knack for making unwise decisions." He says when he's a foot away from me.
I cross my arms. I don't want to show him I'm scared. "It was a two-minute conversation." I defend.
"I don't think a smaller time frame makes it any less unwise." He says. Why does he care? He furrows his eyebrows and touches the corner of my bruised eye with his fingertips. I jerk my head away but his hand doesn't move. Stop touching me. Instead he tilts his head and sighs. "You know, if you could just learn to attack first, you might do better."
"Attack first? How will that help?" I ask. I'll get my ass kicked anyways.
"You're fast. If you can get a few good hits in before they know what's going on, you could win." He says with a shrug and his hand falls.
"I'm surprised you know that. Since you left hallway through my one and only fight." I say, quietly.
"It wasn't something I wanted to watch." He says. What's that supposed to mean?
He clears his throat, breaking the momentary silence. "Looks like the next train is here. Time to go, Tris." He says.
I crawl across my mattress and heave a sigh. It's been two days since my fight with Peter. My bruises are turning purple-blue. I'm starting to get used to the ache every time I move. Si I'm moving better, but I'm far from healed.
Even though I'm still injured, I had to fight today. Luckily, I was paired against Myra this time. She couldn't throw a good punch if someone was controlling her arm for her. I got a good hit in during the first two minutes. She fell down and was too dizzy to get up. I should've felt triumphant. But I can't when I punch a girl like her. I feel like a monster, not something Dauntless would be proud of.
The second my head touches the pillow, the door to the dormitory opens, and people come into the room with flashlights. I sit up, almost hitting my head on the bed frame above me. I squint through the dark to see what's going on.
"Everybody up!" someone roars. A flashlight shines behind his head, making the earrings glint. Eric. Surrounding him are other Dauntless I've seen in the Pit, and some I've never seen before. Four stands among them.
His eyes shift to mine and I'm frozen in place. I stare back and forget all around me that initiates are getting up and doing what they're told.
"Did you go deaf, Stiff?" Eric demands. I snap out of my daze and slide out of bed. Eric stares at me as I get out like he's expecting something. It sends a shiver down my spine. He's creeping me out. Christina stands next to our bunk wearing only a T-shirt. Her legs are bare. She folds her arms and stares at Eric. I wish I could stare so boldly at someone with hardly anything on, but I can barely do it with.
"You have five minutes to get dressed and meet us by the tracks. We're going on another field trip." He says. Great. But why does he have to come?
I shove my feet into shoes and start sprinting. I'm wincing as I try to keep up with Christina. A drop of sweat rolls down the back of my neck as we run up the paths along the walls of the Pit. We pay no attention to the members we shove past as we make our way up. I wonder how many frantic, running people they see on a weekly basis. They don't even seem fazed like they don't give a damn we just shoved them.
We make it to the tracks behind Lauren' group of initiates. Sadly, Lauren is not here. It's Eric. Next to the tracks is a black pile. I squint my eyes and can only make out a cluster of long gun barrels and trigger guards.
"Are we going to shoot something?" Christina asks in my ear.
Next to the pile are boxes which look like they hold ammunition. I inch close to read one of the boxes. It reads, "PAINTBALLS."
Paintballs. One of the most feared gangs are using paintballs. For initiation. I laugh.
"Everyone grab a gun!" Eric shouts.
We rush towards the pile. I'm the closest so I snatch the first gun I can find, which ends up being heavy, but not too heavy to lift. I grab a box of paintballs. I shove the box in my pocket and sling the gun across my back so the strap comes across my chest.
"Time estimate?" Eric asks Four.
Four looks at his watch. "Any minute now. How long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?"
"Why should I, When I have you to remind me of it?" Eric asks, shoving his shoulder.
A circle of light appears on my left, ways away. It grows larger as it comes closer. It shines against the side of Four's face, creating a shadow in the faint hollow beneath his cheekbone.
He jumps on the train first and I run after him, not waiting for anyone to follow me. Not even my friends. Four turns to me as I fall into stride next to the car and he holds out a hand. I grab his arm, and he pulls me in like I'm five pounds. The muscles in his forearm are taut, well defined. I let go quickly without looking at him and sit down on the other side of the car. Once everyone is in, Four speaks up.
"We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag. Each team will have an even mix of members, Lauren's group or as of now, Eric's group and my group. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same." The car sways, cutting him off, and Four grabs the side of the doorway to balance himself. "This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously." A big, bad gang playing with paintballs. This is as serious as it gets.
"What do we get if we win?" Someone shouts.
"Sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask." Four says, raising an eyebrow. "You get to win, of course." I think the fact that Dauntless already provides people from the streets is good enough. No need to want more. It makes sense.
"Four and I will be your team captains." Eric says then looks at Four. "Let's divide up your group first, shall we?"
I tilt my head back. If they're picking us, I will be chosen last, I know it. It'll just add to my embarrassment.
"You go first." Four says.
Eric shrugs then looks at me. No. "Edward." Thank God.
Four leans against the door frame and nods. The moonlight makes his eyes bright. He scans over us briefly, without calculation and says, "I want Tris." The fuck? Why?
A faint undercurrent of laughter fills the car. Heat rushes to my cheeks. I don't know whether to dwell on being angry at the people laughing at me or flattered by the fact he actually chose me…and first.
"Got something to prove?" Eric asks with a smirk. "Or are you just picking the weak ones so that if you lose, you'll have someone to blame it on?"
Four shrugs. "Something like that."
I should be angry. I look at my hands and scowl. Whatever Four's strategy is, it's based on the idea that I'm weaker than the others. It gives me a bitter taste in my mouth. I want to prove him wrong-I have to.
"Your turn." Four says.
"Peter."
"Christina."
That throws a wrench in his strategy that I came up with. Christina is not weak. What exactly is he doing?
"Molly."
"Will." Four says, biting his thumbnail.
"Al."
"Drew."
"Last one left in Myra. So she's with me." Eric says. "Lauren's group next."
I stopped listening after they chose us. If Four isn't trying to prove something by choosing the weak, what is he doing? I look at all of us closely. What do we have in common? I know Drew and I have definitely nothing in common.
When they get through half of Lauren's group, I have an idea of what Four's plan is. Will and a couple of the others, we all share the same body type. All the people on Eric's team are broad and strong. Yesterday Four told me I was fast. This team is made of the fastest initiates, which is probably the best trait to have for a capture the flag game. I'm not sure what strength will do for you considering we're just using guns. I cover a smile with my hand. Eric is more ruthless than Four, but Four is smarter. They finish choosing teams and Eric smirks at Four.
"Your team can get off second." Eric says.
"Don't do me any favors." Four replies with a small smile. "You know I don't need them to win."
"No, I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off." Eric says, biting down on one of the rings in his lip. It's like he's trying to keep from saying something worse. "Take your scrawny team and get off first, then."
We all stand up. Al gives me a forlorn look and I give him a reassuring smile. If any of us had to end up on the same team as Eric, Peter, and Molly, at least it was him. They usually don't mess with him.
I feel a small jolt of the train and see it's about to dip to the ground. And I'm determined to land on my feet this time.
Right before I jump, someone shoves my shoulder and I almost topple out of the car. I don't look back to see who it was. At this point, I don't care anymore. Before they can do it again, I jump. This time I was ready for the momentum the train gives me. I run a few steps to balance myself. Fierce pleasure flows through me and I smile. It's a small accomplishment, but I feel more Dauntless than I was.
One of Lauren's team members touches Four's shoulder. "When your team won, where did you put the flag?" She asks.
"Telling you wouldn't be really in the spirit of the exercise, Marlene." He says coolly. Ha!
"Come on, Four." She whines with a flirtatious smile. He brushes her hand off and for some reason, I find myself grinning. Wait. Why do I care?
"Navy Pier" Another one of Lauren's team members calls out. He's tall with brown skin and dark eyes. Handsome. "My brother was on the winning team. They kept the flag at the carousel."
"Let's go there, then." Will says. No one seems to object so we walk east, towards the marsh which was once a lake.
"We're close to Erudite territory, right?" Christina asks, bumping Will's shoulder with hers.
"Yeah. It's south of here." He says.
We walk across the bridge. We need bridges because the mud beneath them is too wet to walk on. I wonder how long it's been since the river dried up.
Once we're across the bridge, I notice how the city changes. Behind us, most of the buildings were in use, and even if they weren't, they're well-tended. In front of us is a sea of crumbling concrete and broken glass. The silence of this part of the city is creepy, like I'm in a nightmare. It's hard to see where I'm going because its past midnight and all the city lights are off.
Marlene takes out a flashlight and shines it in front of us. "Scared of the dark, Mar?" The dark-eyed initiate from earlier teases.
"If you want to step on broken glass, Uriah, be my guest." She snaps and turns off the flashlight.
I realize that part of being Dauntless is being willing to make things more difficult for you in order to be self-sufficient. There's nothing especially brave about wandering dark streets with no flashlight, we did that beforehand, but we're not supposed to need help. We're supposed to be capable of anything.
I like that. There may come a day when there's no flashlight, no gun, or no guiding hand. And I'll be ready.
The buildings end right before the marsh. A strip of land juts out into the marsh, and rising out from it is a giant white wheel with dozens of red passenger cars dangling from it at regular intervals. A Ferris Wheel. A broken down one at that.
"Think about it. People still try to ride that thing. For fun." Will says. Well, why not? Seems fun.
"They must be Dauntless." I say.
"Yeah, but a very lame version of Dauntless. Being as crazy as this gang is, they would take off the cars. You would just hang on tight with your hands, and good luck to you." Christina says.
We walk down the side of the pier. All the buildings on the left are empty, signs torn down and windows closed, but a clean kind of emptiness. Whoever left these places left them by choice and at their leisure. Come places in the city aren't like that.
"Dare you to jump into the marsh." Christina says to Will.
"You first." He responds.
We reach the carousel. Some horses are scratched and weathered, tails broken off or saddles chipped. Four takes the flag out of his pocket. It glows in the dark.
"In ten minutes, the other team will pick their location. I suggest you take this time to formulate a strategy. We may not be Erudite," He says, referring to a gang which values intelligence. They are the makers of serums and do illegal experiments on people to make money. "but mental preparedness is one aspect of your Dauntless training. Arguably, it is the most important aspect."
He's right about that. What good is a prepared body if you have a scattered mind? Will takes the flag from Four.
"Some people should stay here and guard, and some people should go out and scout the other team's location." Will says.
"Yeah? You think?" Marlena says, plucking the flag from Will's hand. "Who put you in charge, newbie?"
"No one. But someone's got to do it." He replies. Well, it is obvious they aren't getting along. I'll just stay out of this because I'm sure all the initiates are going to start arguing.
"Maybe we should develop more of a defensive strategy. Wait for them to come to us, then take them out." Christina says.
"That's the sissy way out. I vote we go all out. Hide the flag well enough that they can't find it." Uriah says.
As I was waiting for, all the initiates start arguing about what to do. They're voices are just getting louder by each passing second. Christina's defending Will's plan and Lauren's team members vote for offense. On top of that, they argue about who should make the decision. Four sits on the edge of the carousel, leaning against a horse's foot. He's looking up to the sky, where there's nothing there but a full moon peeking through a thin layer of clouds. He seems relaxed and his hand rests on the back of his neck. He almost looks comfortable, holding that gun to his shoulder.
I close my eyes and shake my head. Why does he distract me so easily? I need to stop this.
What would I say if I could shout above the sniping behind me? We can't really act until we know where the other team is. They could be anywhere within a two-mile radius. Although, I can rule out the empty marsh. The best way to find them is not to argue about how to search for them or how many to send out on a search party.
I guess finding the other team is up to me since the others won't compromise. I look at the Ferris wheel. I have to climb as high as possible. I look over to see if anyone's watching. Nobody seems to notice, so I walk towards the Ferris wheel with my flashlight quietly, pressing gun to my back with my hand to keep it from making noise.
As I stare up at the Ferris wheel right below it, my throat tightens. It's taller than I thought, so tall I can barely see the cars at the top. The only good thing about this is that I'm pretty sure a Ferris wheel can support weight. Especially with as skinny as I am. If I climb it, it won't collapse beneath me. I just need to keep that in mind.
My heart starts to beat faster. So fast I can feel it. I can hear it. Will I really risk my life for this-to win a game the Dauntless like to play?
It's so dark I can barely find the rungs of the ladder somewhere on the wheel. I finally find it and stare at it for a second. Each support is only as wide as my shoulders. There are no railings to hold me in. It should be easy, though. It's just like climbing a ladder. Right?
I take a deep breath and grab a rung. It's rusty and thin. Now I'm starting to worry. The possibility of me falling just became higher. I put my weight on the lowest rung and jump to make sure it will hold my weight. The movement hurts my ribs and I wince.
"Tris." I hear a low voice come from behind me. It doesn't seem to startle me and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm becoming Dauntless and my mental readiness is something I'm supposed to develop. Maybe because his voice is low and smooth, almost soothing. Whatever it is, I look over my shoulder to see Four. He has his gun slung behind his back like me.
"Yes?" I ask.
"I came to find out what you think you're doing." He says.
"I'm seeking higher ground. I don't think I'm doing anything." I say.
I see his smile even in the dark. "All right. I'm coming." He says.
I pause. He doesn't look at me like my friends do, like I'm small and weak to be of any use, and they pity me for it. However, I'm sure if he insists on coming with me, it's probably because he doubts me.
"I'll be fine." I say.
"Undoubtedly." He says. I don't hear sarcasm but I'm sure there was meant to be some. I know there is.
I start climbing and when I'm a few feet off the ground, he starts climbing after me. He moves faster than I do because he's right behind me even though I started up first. Soon his hands start finding the rungs my feet leave.
"So tell me…" He says quietly, breathless. "What do you think the purpose of this exercise is? The game, I mean, not the climbing."
I stare at the pavement beneath me. It seems so far away but I'm not even a third up the wheel. Above me is a platform, just below the center of the wheel. That's where I'll stop to look. I'm not even going to stress over how I'll get back down. The small breeze that brushed against my cheeks earlier is now pressing against my side harder. The higher we go, the stronger it gets. I hold on tighter as we go.
"Learning about strategy. Teamwork, maybe." I say.
"Teamwork." He repeats, it seems like to himself. A laugh hitches in his throat. It sounds like a panicked breath.
"Maybe not. Teamwork doesn't seem to be a Dauntless priority." I say.
The wind is getting stronger now. I press close to the white support so I won't fall but that's just making it harder to climb. Below me the carousel looks small. I can barely see my team now. Some are missing. They must have finally depicted a search party.
"It's supposed to be a priority. It used to be." He says.
I'm not really paying attention to him anymore. The height is dizzying and I can't think straight. My hands ache from holding the rungs and my legs are shaking. I don't know why though. The height isn't scaring me. It's making me feel alive.
I realize what it is. It's him. Something about him makes me feel like I'm about to fall. Or turn into liquid. Or burst into flames. Lost in my thoughts, my hand almost misses the next rung. Shit. I need to stop getting caught up on him. He'll never like you and you promised never to have feelings for a man. Love is a stupid thing. It's always been. Always will be.
"Now tell me…" He says through a bursting breath. "What do you think learning strategy has to do with…bravery?"
The question reminds me he is my instructor and I'm supposed to learn something from this. But why is he taunting me on this here? A cloud passes over the moon and the light shifts across my hands. I can see a bit better now.
"It…it pressures you to act. You learn strategy so you can use it." I say. I can hear him breathing louder and faster behind me. "Are you all right, Four?"
"Are you human, Tris? Being up this high…" He gulps for air. "It doesn't scare you at all?"
I look over my shoulder to the ground. If I fall, I'll die. But I don't think I'll fall. A gust of air presses against my left side, throwing my body to the right. I gasp and cling to the rungs harder, my balance shifting. Four's cold hand clamps around my right hip, one of his fingers finding s strip of bare skin under my T-shirt. He squeezes, steadying me then pushing me gently left, restoring me.
If I lost air from that, I can't breathe now. I pause and stare at my hands. My mouth has gone dry. I feel the ghost of where his hand was. It sent sparks through me.
"You okay?" He asks, quietly.
"Yes." I say. My voice sounds strained.
I keep climbing silently until I reach the platform. Judging by the ends of metal rods, it used to have railing but not anymore. I sit down and scoot to the end so Four has somewhere to sit. Without thinking, I put my legs over the side. However, Four crouches and presses his back to the metal support, breathing like a maniac.
"You're afraid of heights. How do you survive in the Dauntless compound?" I ask.
"I ignore my fear. When I make decisions, I pretend it doesn't exist." He says.
I stare at him for a second. I can't ever seem to keep my eyes off of him for an hour. To me there's a difference between not being afraid and acting in spite of fear, like him. I notice I've been staring at him too long. I can't look away fast enough before he notices and says something.
"What?" He asks, quietly.
"Nothing." I respond, heat flooding to my cheeks.
I look away from him and toward the city. I have to focus. I climbed up here to find the other team, not to stare at him. The city is pitch-black but I'm sure even if it was light, I still wouldn't see very far. A building is in my way.
"We're not high enough." I say. I look up and see the wheel's scaffolding. Now this is dangerous. I can probably wedge my feet between the supports and crossbars to stay secure. Or as secure as possible. None of this is safe. The hell am I saying?
"I'm going to climb." I say as I stand up. I grab a bar above me and pull myself up. Shooting pain goes through my bruised sides but I grit my teeth and ignore them.
"For God's sake, Tris." He says.
"You don't have to follow me." I say, staring at the tangle of bars above me. I shove my foot into the space where the two bars cross and push myself up, grabbing another bar above me as I go. I sway for second and my heart starts beating so hard, I feel nothing else. Soon, I have my pace. I use my heartbeat so I can stay calm and have a rhythm.
"Yes, I do." He says. Why? You don't.
This is crazy. A fraction of an inch of a mistake or a moment of hesitation and my life could be gone. So simply. Heat tears through my chest and I smile as I grab the next bar. I pull myself up with shaking arms and force my leg under me so I catch another bar. When I feel steady, I look down at Four. But instead of seeing him, I see the ground. My eyes are fixated on it. And. I. Can't. Breathe.
I imagine my body plummeting to the ground, smacking into bars as it falls, and my limbs broken and twisted like Rita's sister when she didn't make it on the roof. Four grabs a bar and pulls himself easily like he's sitting up in bed. He doesn't look comfortable, though. Every muscle in his arm is tense and standing out. It's stupid for me to think about when I'm a hundred feet off the ground.
I grab another bar and find another space to wedge my foot. When I look back into the city, the building doesn't block my view. I'm high enough to see the skyline. Most of the buildings are black against the navy sky, but red lights at the top of the Hub light up. They blink half as fast as my heartbeat.
Under the buildings, the streets look like tunnels. I must be delusional and too high in the air. For a few seconds, I just see a dark blanket over the land, just faint differences between the building, sky, street, and ground. Then I see a tiny pulsing light on the ground in the corner of my eye. I look towards it.
"See that?" I say as I point to it.
Four stops climbing when he's right behind me and looks over my shoulder. His chin is right next to my head and I can feel his breath. I get goosebumps and it sends shivers through me. I feel shaky like when I decided to climb this thing earlier.
"Yeah." He says. I notice a smile spread on his face. "It's coming from the park at the end of the pier. Figures. It's surrounded by open space, but the trees provide some camoflauge. Obviously not enough."
"Okay." I say. I look over my shoulder at him. We're so close if we got any closer, it'd be too intimate for friends. I forget where I am. Instead, I focus on what I noticed two years ago at the bar. His mouth turns down naturally and he has a scar on his chin.
"Um." I say, breaking up…whatever this is. I clear my throat. "Start climbing down. I'll follow you."
Four nods and starts stepping down carefully. His legs are so long, he finds a space for his foot easily and guides his body between the bars. Even in this darkness, I can see his hands are bright red and shaking.
I step down with one foot, pressing my weight into the cross bars. The bar creaks beneath me and comes loose. It clatters against half a dozen bars on the way down and bounces on the pavement. I'm dangling in the air now and hanging on to the bars for dear life as my legs are swaying from the breeze. A strangles gasp escapes me.
"Four!" I say as loud as I can with the least bit of breath I have in me.
I try to find another place to put my foot but the nearest foothold is a few feet away. Farther than I can stretch. My hands are sweaty. I have nothing to wipe the sweat off of unless I want to let go and fall to my death. Pictures of Rita's sister flash in my head and I have to shake it out of my mind. But I can't. I will slip. I will die.
"Hold on!" He shouts. "Just hold on, I have an idea." That's great but…GET MOVING!
He climbs down as carefully and fast as he can. He's going the wrong direction. I'M UP HERE! I stare at my hands wrapped around the narrow bar holding my body. I'm holding on so tight, my knuckles are white. My fingers are dark red, almost purple. I will not last long. I close my eyes tightly. Better not to look. Better to pretend none of this exists. I hear Four's sneakers squeak against metal and rapid footsteps on ladder rungs.
"Four!" I yell. Maybe he left. Maybe he abandoned me. Maybe this is a test of my strength, of my bravery. I breathe in my nose and out my mouth. I count my breaths to try to calm down. One, two. In, out. Come on, Four. Come on, do something.
I hear something wheeze and crack all of a sudden. The bar I'm holding onto shudders and I scream through my clenches teeth. Trying to hold on is getting harder. The wheel's moving.
Air wraps around my ankles and wrists and the wind gushes up. I open my eyes, hoping for the best. I'm moving towards the ground. I laugh, giddy with hysteria as the ground comes closer and closer. But I'm picking up speed. If I don't drop at the right time, the moving cars and metal will drag my body and carry me with them. And when I get higher in the air, I will die.
Every muscle in my body tenses and I throw myself toward the ground. When I see the cracks in the sidewalk, I drop. My body slams to the ground, feet first. My legs collapse under me and I pull my arms in so I can roll as fast as I can to the side. The cement scrapes my face, and I turn just in time to see a car bearing down on me. I roll again and the bottom of the car skims my shoulder. I'm breathing like a maniac now. I'm safe.
I press my palms to my face. That was real. I don't try to stand because I'm sure if I do, my legs will collapse under me. I hear footsteps then Four's hands wrap around my wrists, prying my hands off my face.
He encloses one of his hands perfectly between two of his. The warmth of his skin overwhelms the ache in my fingers from holding the bars.
"You all right?" He asks, pressing our hands together.
"Yeah." I breathe out.
He starts to laugh all of a sudden. Then I do. With my free hand, I push myself to a sitting position. I realize how little of space is between us. Six inches at the most. The space is filled with electricity. I feel like the space should be smaller. I want it to be smaller.
He stands and pulls me up with him. The wheel is still moving, creating a wind which tosses my hair back.
"You could have told me that the Ferris wheel still worked." I say, trying to sound casual. "We wouldn't have had to climb in the first place."
"I would have, if I had known. Couldn't just let you hang there, so I took a risk. Come on, time to get their flag." He says.
Four hesitates for a moment then takes my arm. His fingertips press into the inside of my elbow. He smiles at me and starts toward the carousel, where our team members guard out flag. I half run, half limp beside him. My body feels weak, but my mind is fully awake. Especially with his hand on me.
Christina is perched on one of the horses. Her legs are crosses and her hands around the pole holding the horse. Our flag is behind her, a glowing triangle in the dark. Three of Lauren's set of members stand among the carousel. One of them has his hand on a horse's head. Sitting on the edge of the carousel is an older Dauntless, scratching her quadruple pierced eyebrow with her thumb.
"Where'd the others go?" Four asks. He looks as excited as I feel, his eyes wide with energy.
"Did you guys turn on the wheel? What the hell were you thinking? You might as well have just shouted 'Here we are! Come and get us!'" The older girl says and shakes her head. "If I lose again this year, the shame will be unbearable. Three years in a row?"
"The wheel doesn't matter. We know where they are." Four says.
"We?" Christina asks, looking from him to me.
"Yes, while the rest of you were twiddling your thumbs, Tris climbed the Ferris wheel to look for the other team." He says.
"What do we do now, then?" One of Lauren's group members asks through a yawn.
Four look at me. Slowly everybody then looks from him to me. I tense my shoulders, about to shrug and say I don't know. Then I get an idea. An image of the pier stretching out beneath me comes into mind.
"Split in half. Four of us go to the right side of the pier, three to the left. The other team is in the park at the end of the pier, so the group of four will charge as the group of three sneaks behind the other team to get the flag." I say.
Christina looks at me like she doesn't recognize me anymore. I wouldn't blame her. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I surprise myself at times.
"Sounds good." The older girl says then claps her hands together. "Let's get this night over with, shall we?"
Christina and Uriah join me in the group going to the right. Uriah's smile is bright against his bronze skin. I didn't notice before, but he has a snake tattoo behind his ear. I stare at its tail curling around his earlobe for a moment, but then Christina starts to run and I take off right after her.
I have to run twice as fast to match my strides to hers. As I run, I realize only one of us will be able to touch the flag. To hold it. But I realize it won't matter. It was my plan and my information that got us to it even if I'm not the one to grab it. Though I'm running out of breath, I run faster and end up being on Christina's heels. I pull my gun around my body and hold it in my hand. My finger is on the trigger, ready to shoot.
We reach the end of the pier, and I have to force my mouth shut to stop my loud breaths, We slow down so out footsteps aren't loud enough for others to hear and I look around for the blinking light again. Now that I'm on the ground it's a bigger range of area and easier to see. I point and Christina nods, leading the way to it.
Then I start hearing yelling. More people start yelling until it becomes a chorus. They're so loud, it made me jump. I hear puffs of air and see paintballs go flying and splats as the find their target. Our team has charged and the other team runs to meet us. The flag is now almost unguarded. Uriah takes aim and shoots the last guard in the thigh. The short girl with purple hair, throws her gun down in a tantrum.
I sprint to catch up with Christina. The flag hangs from the tree branch, high above my head. U reach for it but so does Christina so I stop mid-air.
"Come on, Tris. You're already the hero of the day. And you know you can't reach it anyway." She says. I'm taken back. What the fuck?
She gives me a patronizing look, the kind that people give to kids when they act to adult. Then she snatches the flag from the branch. Without looking at me, she turns and gives a whoop of victory. Uriah's voice joins hers and I hear yelling in the distance.
Uriah claps my shoulder as I try to forget about the look Christina gave me. Maybe she's right; I've already proved myself today. But there was still no need to make me feel like a child. Like I was below her. I don't want to be greedy. I don't want to be greedy. I don't want to be like Eric, scared of other people's strength.
The shouts of triumph become infectious. I can't help it. I join in and run towards my teammates. Christina holds the flag high and everyone clusters around her, grabbing her hand to lift the flag higher. I can't reach her so I stand off to the side, grinning.
I feel a hand touch my shoulder. "Well done." Four says quietly.
I shake my head. "I didn't take the flag." I say.
"It doesn't matter. I know who really deserved it." He says with a small smile.
"I can't believe I missed it!" Will says again, shaking his head. The wind coming through the doorway of the train car is blowing his hair every direction.
"You were performing the very important job of staying out of our way." Christina says, beaming.
"Why did I have to be on the other team?" Al complains with a groan.
"Because life's not fair, Albert. And the world is conspiring against you." Will says and I have to hide a chuckle. "Hey, can I see the flag again?"
Peter, Molly, and Drew sit across from everybody in the corner. Their backs and chests are splattered with blue and pink paint. They look dejected. They speak quietly; sneaking looks our way, especially at Christina. Well, that's a benefit of not holding the flag right now and showing off. I'm not one's target. Or at least, not as much as I was.
"So you climbed the Ferris wheel, huh." Uriah says. He stumbles across the car and plops next to me. Marlene, the girl with the flirty smile, follows him.
"Yes." I say.
"Pretty smart of you. Like…Erudite smart." Marlene says, referring to the other gang. I'm not going to lie; they probably are the most intelligent gang around or…ever. "I'm Marlene."
"Tris." I say. I should take the Erudite thing as an insult but really, it feels like a compliment.
"Yeah, I know who you are. The first jumper tends to stick in your head." She says.
It seems like forever ago since I jumped off that building. I'm so different now. I don't even know how I could've changed so much already. Dauntless changed me. Hopefully not all of me.
Uriah takes one of the paintballs from his gun and squeezes it between his thumb and index finger. The train lurches to the left and Uriah falls against me. I guess the lurch caused him to pressure down on the ball because all of a sudden, a stream of pink, foul-smelling paint sprays on my face.
Marlene breaks out giggling. I wipe some paint of my face, slowly then quickly smear it on his cheek. The scent of fish oil wafts through the train car.
"Ew!" He shouts. He squeezes another ball at me but the opening is in the wrong angle and the paint sprays into his mouth instead. He coughs and makes exaggerated gagging noises.
I wipe my face with my sleeve, laughing so hard my stomach is hurting. If the rest of my life is like this, loud laughter and bold action and the kind of exhaustion you feel after a hard but satisfying day, I'll be content. Not happy. But content. I'm not sure I'll ever be happy in my life again like I said earlier. Life doesn't like me that much. Uriah scrapes his tongue with his fingertips and I smile a little. I realize that all I have to do is get through initiation and this life will be mine.