Dare

(Light owes Ryuk a dare. He knew he'd regret it, but not this much.)

"Hm," Ryuk said.

Light swallowed back the fear that was beginning to well up in his throat. "Hm?" he said as indifferently as he could. "Can't think of anything?"

Ryuk looked over at him and chuckled as if he knew what he was trying to do. He probably did. It had been a long time. "Nah, the problem is I've got loads of ideas," he declared happily, sharp teeth gleaming in the midday sun.

Light told himself to breathe slowly, force the fight-or-flight reflex back down, and do nothing to show just how terrified those words made him. "I'm delighted for you," he said offhandedly.

Ryuk's smile said he knew exactly what Light was feeling and he was going to make the most of it for as long as possible. "What were those things you told me about that are socially inappropriate?" he mused.

Light always knew Ryuk was going to somehow force him to regret teaching the shinigami anything about human society. "Such as?" he said warily.

"What was the term you used for running around naked in front of large gatherings of humans?"

"Streaking, I believe," Light said with as much nonchalance as he could manage, fingers digging uncomfortably into his knees.

"Mm." Ryuk said, watching him avidly, drinking in every little twitch and tic that belied Light's calm appearance. "So I could dare you to streak somewhere filled with lots and lots of people. Shinjuku at rush hour sound good?"

"Hnn." Light managed, trying to distract himself with the far more interesting problem of whether or not his knees were going to be permanently disfigured with half-moon scars. "Maybe not. At rush hour there'd be too many people for me to move, never mind streak."

This was not the way he'd ever wanted to learn that Ryuk knew how to use him as well as he knew how to use Ryuk. If he tried to say there was no way he was doing anything, Ryuk was going to kill any number of people obscurely connected to Kira, and Light would have L onto him faster than he could say 'I didn't kill anyone' in any language.

Really, such a calculated mask of stupidity, he should have known something of himself had rubbed off on the shinigami. How typical of Ryuk to finally reveal such guile for the sake of a prank.

"Or…" Ryuk drew the word out happily, "how about declaring yourself king of the apple trees in Sensoji Temple?"

"I knew it." Light said bitterly, abandoning his pretence of unconcern. "I knew I was going to regret teaching you anything…"

Ryuk rubbed his hands together delightedly, clearly enraptured with Light's discomfort. Light swore that Ryuk was going to regret this for the rest of his miserable existence. "I could have you confess your love for L at the next Interpol meeting."

Light sat bolt upright, appalled beyond the scope of words. "No! Just no!"

"Hang on," Ryuk said smugly, "I've haven't decided yet."

"There's worse?!" Light demanded, unable to stop himself, even knowing that his very obvious horror was putting a shiny great star next to the idea.

"Told you I had a lot of ideas."

"No no no no no," Light muttered, cradling his head in his hands.

"You ought to be proud," Ryuk said with mock-hurt. "It just shows how much attention I've paid to you and your nastier little games."

"What did I do to deserve – oh…"

"I've always wanted to see what would happen if you insulted a sumo wrestler…"

"I haven't," Light snarled, the effect somewhat spoiled by the fact that he refused to raise his head and face the horror that was Ryuk contemplating a dare.

"I've got it!" Ryuk declared triumphantly. "Something with miniskirts!"

There was no response from Light. Ryuk imagined his immense brain stuttering to a halt, buzzing dismally the way the computer did when Ryuk was left alone with it (which he never was any more). Sorrowfully, he abandoned the idea. It wasn't worth the apples. He went back to seeing what would provoke the funniest response.

"Okay, no miniskirts. Hmmmm. What's the most ridiculous dance there is?" Ryuk wondered. Light's head sank just a little lower into his hands. "That macaroni one? The robot?"

There may or may not have been a sound resembling a whimper from Light. There was certainly an unholy cackle of joy from Ryuk.

"I hate you," Light hissed through his teeth. "I really, really hate you."

"This is for all those lovely apples at the markets that you wouldn't buy for me," Ryuk said firmly. "And for every time you've been too busy to play games with me. And every time you've tricked me into helping you without any compensation whatsoever. And that one time when you went and deliberately got yourself kidnapped – did I mention deliberately? – and asked for help – but not really because you don't do 'asking' well – and then complained when I killed a guy, I mean, come on! I'm a death god, it's kinda what I do, what the hell did you ask for if you didn't want me to kill him?! And--"

"Ryuk, I get it! Shut the hell up and let me get this over with!"

"Oh. Sorr-- Wait. Why am I apologising to you?"

"Because you're an idiot." Light snapped, and tugged at the hem of his t-shirt, as if being a little neater would in some way insulate him from feeling the humiliation of what he was about to do. He took a deep breath, staring at the screen, his eye into the inner workings of Interpol. Somewhere among all those officers and officials was his father, a thought that normally made him snicker and now made him feel nervous and humiliated in advance.

"Hurry hurry hurry, Light," Ryuk mocked. "If you don't do it now, there's always the forfeit of telling L in person."

"You bastard." Light said, hands clenching so tightly Ryuk entertained thoughts for a moment of his fingers being permanently damaged. "Why couldn't you ask me to dance the Macarena?"

"This is better," Ryuk said loftily.

"Why couldn't you ask me to dance the Macarena naked in Shinjuku station at rush hour?"

"This is still better."

"Only a shinigami would think so," Light said desperately, a trick so transparent even Ryuk could only stick his tongue out in response. "Damn it Ryuk!"

"Nyahahaha!" Ryuk said. "Better get it over with, hadn't you?"

"Never," Light said under his breath as he returned his attention to the screen, waiting for a (hopefully missing) opportune moment. "I am never going to play cards with you again."

The opportune moment came. In fact, it stood up and smacked him in the mouth. Or that was it felt like – as if fortune was laughing at him, having decided he'd had far too much of its favour in his previous life. "I believe that concludes the meeting," 'USA' was saying with barely hidden eagerness. "Unless you have anything else to add, Kira?"

"Now," Ryuk said, not bothered with trying to hide his eagerness.

Light almost wept at the stray thought that if all was right with the world and Near hadn't cheated (because he almost certainly had, it was the only possible way he could have succeeded), he'd be God already and blissfully unaware of Ryuk's devious filthy mind and ability to cheat with cards. "Yes," he said, and if his voice was unsteady only Ryuk knew it, Interpol receiving it via mouthpieces and electronic software. "One last thing."

There was a pause while he contemplated the merits of forfeiting and decided that there weren't any. "I would like," he lied, "L to be aware of my –" he struggled with the desire to write his own name rather than continue. Ryuk drummed his fingers ominously against the desk. He forced himself to continue, spitting the words out as fast as he could. "My – undyingloveforhim."

There just weren't words bad enough to describe what he wanted to do to Ryuk for making him do this.

"It's best to be honest about these things," Ryuk said approvingly from the corner he'd prudently backed away to, applauding heartily.

There was a complete lack of anything resembling a confused/incredulous/horrified reaction from Interpol. "'Bout damn time one of you stopped dancing about," 'USA' sniffed, having no patience for indecisiveness. Similar sentiments made themselves felt at every section of the room.

Light hit his head against the desk. Hard.

That was nothing compared to his reaction when Watari stood up, presented the laptop with L's inscrutable letter upon it and L's masked voice declared formally that he was 'honoured by Kira-san's high regard.'

The scream of rage and horror almost, Ryuk felt, almost matched in quality and humour the entirety of the Yellow Box Warehouse Incident.

It was good that Ryuk had something to laugh over, because even a week later Light stubbornly refused to see the funny side.

"I'm not talking to you." Light said, the epitome of a sulky twelve year old.

"Well that's a little presumptuous," Ryuk pointed out, sounding almost hurt. "I mean, the minute you get paranoid you're really going to regret saying that."

Light ignored him, outwardly engrossed in his homework – something that simply wasn't possible, not even when it was college-level and brand new to him.

"Aww come on, lighten up!"

Light shuffled through his schoolbooks, found a hardcover and threw it at him.

"It's not like it was any big secret!"

Light pointed at the rotting apples he'd brought with him out of habit, and then made a simple, eloquent gesture that indicated what Ryuk could do with them.

"What?! It wasn't! Are you trying to tell me you feel absolutely nothing for L? Nothing at all?"

Light made a series of expansive and violent motions that he hoped conveyed just what he thought of Ryuk's incredulous question. Then he went back to detailing what he did in the summer break.

"There's no need to be like that Light," Ryuk said soothingly. "We all know there's no one else for you."

Light twitched, fingers tightening about his pen to the point where they ached. The urge to ask if Ryuk had developed a multiple personality disorder was almost unbearable. He drew in several calming breaths, gathered up his books and simply sat for a moment, enjoying the sunshine and pretending that like anyone who might pass his deserted spot, he was oblivious the shinigami checking off the reasons it was so obvious he and L had a 'special' relationship.

"You think about him all the time – when you were dating, it was always L, L, L, how this will throw him off, or confuse that line of enquiry, blah blah. You're both control freaks, neither of you can stand being at a disadvantage. You're both willing to make sacrifices of people, and toy with lives…"

"I must say, Kira-kun, I was very surprised at your little declaration last week."

Light somehow managed to choke on air. He wished that the ground would gain enough sentience to recognise his discomfort and swallow him. He was once the owner of notebook that killed people; surely it wasn't too much to ask for? He looked up.

L smiled, a rare and unsettling expression – especially in broad daylight, where Light just couldn't convince himself it was all the work of bad lighting and shadows. There was something inexplicably confident in his bearing, obvious despite his hunched shoulders and hands shoved deep in his pockets. It wasn't the normal understated confidence either, the like-I-give-a-damn sort he allowed himself to show among people who had no idea just what a powerful person he was. "Although," he mused, refusing to look away from Light's wide-eyed stare of horror and give him the chance to compose himself, "I'm afraid even I must think better of doing anything with you at such a tender age."

Light made a noise resembling 'ack' followed by 'gahwhatthefuck?!'

Ryuk made a noise resembling a hyena on laughing gas.

"Still," L said, leaning down and invading Light's personal space further – as if he could get any more unsettled, although he wasn't surprised in the slightest that L would try. "Six years isn't that long, Kira-kun."

Light recovered enough of his speech faculties to yell "DON'T CALL ME KIRA-KUN!"

"Oh?" L said, removing one hand from his pocket to pat Light's hair. "Alright then, Kira-hime, if you insist."

"……" Light stared. Far too close to his face for comfort, L grinned. "Light-kun is fine," he said weakly.

"We're using our real names?" L said, with almost believable surprise. "Hm. Well, they always say a good relationship is founded on honesty, but really, Light-kun, in our profession you should know better."

"I meant that my name is not Kira, you sick freak and I want to run away now, so could you get out of my way?"

"Ah, Kira-kun, there's no need to be like that," L pouted, and Light yelped – literally – as he flung his arms around him in a hug Light couldn't quite believe was unplanned. "There's no need to pretend you don't care any more."

"HELP!" Light screamed, beating his fists ineffectually against L's back. To be eighteen again – oh wait. Ryuk wouldn't have dared him to do this if he was eighteen, finding it far funnier for Light to declare undying love when he was too young to do any of the acts – involving what Ryuk called 'squishy parts' – typical to an adult relationship.

"Best. Day. Ever. Ever ever ever." Ryuk said from somewhere beyond L's shoulder, which was all Light could see. "I'll take all the apple bans you can dish out, Light – this is so worth it."

Light ignored him in favour of the more pressing business of struggling harder against L's tightening arms. "HEEELLLPP!" he screamed again, pretending he couldn't hear L's almost inaudible huffs of laughter against his ear. If only Light had a pen… he'd stab the bastard in the eyes.

"If you were merely to hold still, this would be over with by now," he pointed out serenely, as if Light's dedicated struggles for freedom were nothing more than a minor inconvenience. Which they were, Light was forced to concede after a moment. He stilled. He could feel L's smirk. "There now," he said, pulling back. "Was that so bad?"

"You're still touching me," Light pointed out in a tight voice, doing a good impression of a statue.

"I wouldn't want you to run when we're just getting a grip on the situation," L said mildly, hands tightening their grip momentarily on his shoulders, a wordless warning.

"You know this violates the terms of our agreement, Stalker-san."

"I've never been very good at following rules…" L mused.

Light made a face at him. No shit. "Stalker-san, we agreed that if I met you willingly in public places of your choosing you'd stop following me like a lost puppy and accusing me of being some super-detective."

"Point for indicating a belief in Kira being anything other than an upstart."

Light tugged at his perfect hair with a frustrated snarl. Ryuk perked up at the thought that such screaming losses of composure were usually followed by some Grade A maniacal laughter. "Ryuzaki-san," he drew the false name out in a way that implied it was synonymous with any number of hideous things. "If you don't let go right now I'm going to kick you so hard your grandchildren are going to be genetically modified." He paused. "I mean, if you were at all interested in girls."

"Point for knowing the term 'genetically modified'," L mocked. "And I'll just have to make sure you don't kick, won't I?" He lunged again, and somehow, no matter how much Light squirmed, kicked, clawed and even, desperately, pulled his hair, L just would not allow him an avenue of escape.

He revised his theory of L being some type of sugar-powered robot.

"This is going to be one of my favourite memories, I just know it," Ryuk said, sounding almost tearful with happiness. "Centuries from now I'm going to look back on this and still get a good laugh."

Light was not the selfless type. He found absolutely no consolation in the thought 'Well, at least someone's happy.' On the contrary, the thought that someone found joy in his humiliation made him furious. "I'm going to kill you," he informed L solemnly, going limp. Typically, L dropped him the moment he was no longer prepared for hitting the ground.

"I'm really going to kill you," he said, staring blankly up at him. "It's going to be terribly slow and agonising."

L looked completely unconcerned. "Do I get a kiss first?"

Light already knew the futility of screaming. He thought about closing his eyes before realising that meant he wouldn't be able to see what L was doing. "With amputations," he added.

"I think maybe he's getting you back for the whole 'pervert-san' business. Or he just likes watching you spaz out and knows exactly what to do to get you to do it."

"I am not spazzing."

"You are. And I thought you weren't talking to me?"

"Circumstances have changed. There's no way I could stop myself from yelling at you right now."

"Aw, I missed you talking to me too. Spaz."

"Aaagghh!"

"I always thought there was something fishy about using handcuffs to monitor you…"

"That's it! No more apples for you! Ever!"

Watari knew something was wrong the moment L returned from his walk, grinning. To be fair, L hadn't stopped grinning since Kira's bizarre declaration at Interpol. Perhaps 'grinning' wasn't the right word. It didn't have the same cruel amusement implicit in it the same way, say, 'smirking' did.

"Did you enjoy your walk?" he said warily, watching as L collapsed into a chair and began to snicker.

To think he had once been mildly concerned by L's lacking emotional development. If L being completely socially deficient meant he'd never be forced to listen to him laughing again as he was now, a hideous noise that was faintly hysterical and completely terrifying – well, Near was looking like the best candidate…

"I met Light-kun," he explained after a long moment, shoulders still shaking a little with suppressed laughter.

It said much that this perfectly explained L's hysteria. Watari immediately started planning for L's arrest, excuses for his behaviour for Chief Yagami (probably involving documentation from several highly regarded doctors in the field of psychiatry), and the possibility that they would be forced to finance the boy's therapy.

"I don't suppose you'll ever accept that you may have just traumatised a completely innocent twelve year old."

L stared at him, the words 'does not compute' flashing momentarily over his face. "Weren't you the one who tried to argue for Light-kun being completely unrelated to Kira by saying he was the merely the epitome of the vicious bloodthirsty creatures all children truly are?"

Watari sighed. L had many faults he hoped to iron out in the next generation with Near or Mello, among them his stubborn refusal to pay attention to common sense and abandon his obsession with Kira/Yagami Light. "What did you do?" he said wearily.

"Nothing," L protested, lips twitching.

"Nothing." Watari repeated blandly.

"Nothing," L agreed, smiling nastily at the pictures of an oblivious Yagami Light spread over the table. "A little suggesting, perhaps," he said anything but innocently when Watari stared at him. "I imagine he's doing most of the traumatising himself."

Things had been much easier when L didn't care for anything except solving cases.

"Did he uncuff you to let you shower?"

"Damn it, Ryuk, I'd only just succeeded in repressing those memories!"

"No?"

"Deep breaths, take deep breaths…"

"Well, if you don't want to talk about the cuffs can we--"

"Ryuk. I do not need or want to hear your theories about what L did with the tapes from the cameras in my room, the subconscious reasoning behind the handcuffs, or whether that foot massage was a biblical allusion or an attempt to cop a feel. Shut up before I throw apples at you again."

"I'm just saying, Light…"

"Are you trying to live vicariously through me? Because I swear you're putting me off sex for good."

"I thought you were already… Sexless? Without sex? Asexual! Besides, watching you and Misa put me off sex and I can't even have it."

"I'd almost managed to forget about her too. Thanks a hell of a lot, Ryuk."

"You're welcome."

Thump.

"Ouch. That looked like it hurt."

"What do you think? Of course it hurt, you idiot!"

"I'm not the one hitting his head against a wall, Light…"

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Sachiko stared at the flowers suspiciously. She would admit it had been a long time, but… wasn't it usually the boy's responsibility to send flowers? And wasn't twelve a little… young to be dating? What sort of message was 'five years, seven months and twenty-one days' anyway?

Still, she smiled, they were nice. And it was always good to be able to tease her son; he needed to smile more, he was looking so pale and stressed lately.