A.N. So I have decided that fridays will be the update days and hopefully you read enjoy etc etc etc lets do this.

Chapter 4

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. They knocked again, repeatedly in more and more frantic raps. Dudley beef jerkied awake. "Why can't I quit you Piers?" he said stupidly. There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands, now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them. They assumed it was a salami. They weren't wrong per say he had it in there with the rifle.

"Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you, I'm packing heat!" There was a pause. SMASH! The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed across the room into a drowsy Dudley.

An absolute giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.

The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He immediately moved forward past the group and into the toilet. There was a rustling and a loud groan of relief accompanied by farting. Staring Harry heard something he wished he hadn't and hadn't' heard something he wished he had. "Ah there's no toilet paper ah well" then he exited without washing his hands or flushing.

Stepping out and facing the shocked and injured Dursleys the giant smiled "Sorry about that had a turtle head sticking out since about two hours ago" He chuckled and took a glance at the toilet "I'd give that about 5 minutes if I were you". It was a bold lie he knew it would have taken a lot longer for the smell to leave. "Couldn't make us a cup of tea, could you? It's not been an easy journey" He strode over to the remains of the sofa where Dudley removed himself from the broken door. "An there's Harry " said the stranger jovially. "I'm not Harry you giant ass" Dudley oinked in response.

The giant kicked the sofa in rage sending it spinning across the shanty "Ah fuck I'm at the wrong place again. Fourth time tonight". The giant had not been exaggerating he stopped learning to read after the letter 's' so he has been all over the globe trying to deliver this letter including joining a japanese family for lunch. It took him several hours to realise that 'Haruhi Potteru' was the wrong kid.

Hogwarts would be sending a lot of correction letters that year.

Dudley oinked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon. "Excuse me giant hairy stranger but my name is Harry". Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were now crinkled in a smile.

"Last' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but you've got yer mom's eyes. " Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.

"I demand that you leave at once, asshole!" he said. "Ah, shut up, Dursley" said the giant; he reached over and jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands. He then slipped the gun into his shirt. Never know when you might need a gun and people owed him money.

Uncle Vernon seemed to make another funny noise, this time though it was the was the sound of air escaping his fat folds.

"Anyway Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to you. Got summat fer yeh here I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right. "

From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing. True to the man's word he had sat on it as half of the cake had an indentation of his mammoth ass.

Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words got lost on the way to his mouth, and what he said instead was, "Who are you?" The giant chuckled. "True, I haven't introduced myself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. " He held out an enormous hand and attempted to shake Harry's whole arm. Harry didn't want to as he was aware that the man hasn't washed his hands after unloading his bowels.

"What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if you've got it, mind." His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there. It filled the damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd stepped into a roaring inferno. Hagrid added far too much lighter fluid

The giant sat back down on what was left of the sofa, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, a copy of 'wicked witches' magazine and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea. Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little. Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley. " Vernon wanted it all for himself it didn't matter that Hagrid had not actually washed his hands yet.

The giant chuckled darkly. "I didn't offer did I ya daft bastard, sheesh talk about rude". This was from the man who kicked the door down and didn't flush after using the toilet.

He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry yet he had never tasted anything so awful, but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are." The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts, not the keyblades mind whole different department. You'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course. " Hogwhat?" said Harry. Hagrid looked shocked. "Sorry, I still have no idea why you are here" Harry said quickly.

"Sorry ?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. "It's them who are gonna be sorry! I knew yeh weren't getting' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know about' Hogwarts, fer crying' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?". "All what?" asked Harry, Dudley and Vernon. "ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait just' one second!" He had leapt to his feet head smashing against the roof. In his anger he seemed to fill the hut. The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.

"Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy knows nothing' about ANYTHING?" Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad. They weren't good either mind.

"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff you prick " But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world. " "What world?" Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode. "DURSLEY!" he boomed.

Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "This stalker is going to kill us, what is he even talking about" Hagrid stared wildly at Harry. "But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said. "I mean, they're famous. You're famous." "What? My parents weren't famous, were they?".

"Yeh don' know, ah balls " Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare. "Yeh don' know what you are ?" he said finally.

Uncle Vernon suddenly found his voice. "Stop!" he commanded. "Stop I demand that you leave me and my family alone!" A braver man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage. "You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it after I wrecked your car Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"

"Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly. "WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? TOLD HIM WHAT? AND WHAT LETTER? IT WAS A SHOPPING LIST!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic. He was not wrong Dumbledore got mixed up with the letters and forgot to go back. Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror. "Fuck it" said Hagrid. "Harry yer a wizard. "

There was silence inside the hut. Only the sea, the whistling wind and panic farts could be heard. "I'm a what ?" gasped Harry. "He's a what?" added in Vernon and Dudley. "wait. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP MY CAR?"

"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back down on the sofa, which broke again causing Hagrid to land on his ass, "an' a thumpin' good 'un, I'd say, once you've been trained up a bit. A Grand Wizard even. With a mum and' dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An' I reckon it's about' time yeh read yer letter. "

Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, ignoring the grand wizard bit, addressed in emerald-green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc. , Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards & all round nice guy)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall,

Deputy Headmistress

Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"

"Balrogs Balls, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl, a rather ruffled-looking owl, a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down all the while Uncle Vernon repeatedly punched Hagrid in the head:

Dear Professor Dombledore,

Harri has his fing.

Goin 2 grab his goods 2morrah.

Fooking cold. Hope being ok.

Hagrid

Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, after pushing Vernon over he went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm where it was promptly struck by lightning. After convincing the second owl to go telling it lightning doesn't strike twice he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone. Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.

"Where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight. "He's not going," he said. Hagrid grunted. "I'd like to see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said. "A what?" said Harry, interested. "A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call non magic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

"That sounds racist Mr Hagrid" Harry added before something clicked. "Did you know?" said Harry. "Did you know I'm a wizard?" "Know!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Know! Of course I knew! How could you not be, my bitch sister being what she was? Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that school and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn then putting it in my breakfast, turning my tampons into rats for me to find later. I was not the only one who saw her for what she was a freak! For my mother and father, oh ho, it was Lily don't do this and Lily please stop that, they were scared of having a witch in the family!"

She stopped to draw a deep breath It seemed she had wanted to say all this for years. "Petunia dear what the fuck?" Vernon said confused as all hell "Are you saying that this is all true?".

Harry thought for a second "wait why is my mom a witch if I'm a wizard?"

Ignoring her tub of lard husband and her nephews question (which she asked herself all those years ago) she continued. "Then she met that Potter at school and they left and got married and had you, and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as abnormal then she disappears and we got landed with you!"

Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice he said, "Disappeared? You told me they died in a car crash!"

"No I said people died because of her car crash I still have no idea how she still got her licence".

The answer is she got it the same way Ron did in canon via morally dubious means. You may ask yourself who is worse for doing so. The answer is always Ron. I haven't checked the books lately but I think Ron gets a +7 awfulness modifier to all his rolls. Anyways back to the drama there will be plenty of Ron bashing once he elbows his way into the story.

"What happened then?" Harry asked urgently. Everyone in the room suddenly turned towards Hagrid who looked suddenly anxious.

"I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble getting' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. Ah, Harry, I don't' know if I'm the right person ter tell yeh, but someone's gotta".

He stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with a person called, but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows" "Who?"

"Well I don't' like saying' the name if I can help it. No one does. "

"Why not?"

"Harry, people are still scared, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went bad. As bad as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse. His name was" Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.

"Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.

"Nah can't spell it. All right Voldemort. " Hagrid shuddered. Hagrid couldn't spell a lot of things "Don't make me say it again. Anyway, this wizard, about twenty years ago now, started looking for followers. Got 'em, too some were afraid, some just wanted a bit of his power, most were just assholes. Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches terrible things happened. Though come tha tink of it that happened anyways."

Hagrid shrugged then continued "He was taking over, some stood up to him an' he killed 'em. Horribly. One guy challenged him to a ladder match boy did he get wrecked. One of the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of. Didn't dare try taking the school, not just then, anyway.

"Now, your mum and dad were as good a witch and wizard as I ever knew. Head boy and girl at Hogwarts in their day! Suppose the mystery is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before probably knew they were too close to Dumbledore to want anything to do with the Dark Side.

"Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween ten years ago. It was one of his more common tactics no one expects to ever be killed by trick or treaters You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an"

Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.

"Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad knew yer mum and' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find anyway You-Know-Who killed 'em. And' then, and' this is the real mystery of the thing he tried to kill you, too. Wanted to make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then. But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was no ordinary cut. That's what ya get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even but it didn't work on you, and' that's why you're famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided ter kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some of' the best witches an' wizards of the age the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts, Macho Man Randy Savage an' you was only a baby, an' you lived. "

Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind. As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the giant blueberry, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life: a yell of KAPLAH and then HOLY SHIT. Hagrid was watching him sadly.

"Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Got ya a tattoo and brought yeh ter this lot "

"My sister is dead? Lily was murdered" Petunia whispered quietly before slumping to the floor in shock. Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.

"But what happened to Voldemort?" Harry whats going to call him you know who. Why the fuck would he?

"Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Same night he tried to kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest mystery, he was getting' more an' more powerful, why'd he go?

"Some say he died. Bullshit, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. Some say he's still out there, biding' his time, like, but I don't' believe it. People who was on his side came back to ours. Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. Don' reckon they would've done if he was coming' back. Though they were prolly lying."

"Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost his powers. Too weak to carry on. 'Cause something' about you finished him, Harry. There was something' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on, something stumped him, all right. "

Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake. A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? He'd spent his life being body slammed by Dudley, put in a dress by Aunt Petunia and farted on by Uncle Vernon; if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into balls of flames every time they'd tried to put him in a dress? If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world, how come Dudley had always been able to pin him to a 3 count?

"Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard "

To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled. "Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?" Harry looked into the fire. Now he came to think about it every odd thing that had ever made his aunt furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry. Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling, and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him.

"See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard you wait, you'll fit right in at Hogwarts. They love people who hurt others when they are sad or angry."

While this was going on Hagrid was pointedly ignoring Petunia asking if there was a funeral or a gravesite where she could visit her dead sister. She would have to call her other sister too.

But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give in without a fight. "Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed ignoring his weeping wife. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish spell books and wands and"

"If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily and' James Potter's son going' ter Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name's been down ever since he was born. He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had Albus Dumbled-"

"I AM NOT LETTING HIM GO TO SOME CULT TRAINING GROUND RUN BY SOME OLD CONMAN" yelled Uncle Vernon. But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER" he thundered, "INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME!"

He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat ass, howling in pain. Dudley didn't realise it then but he would be experiencing similar pain when he started at private school. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.

Uncle Vernon screamed in disbelief "HOLY SHIT MAGIC IS REAL, RUN DUDLEY". Pushing his still crying wife out-of-the-way he barreled into the other room closely followed by his fat son slamming the door behind them. Noises could be heard like two fat people barricading the door.

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.

"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do. "

He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.

"Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone especially the auror force" he said. "I'm not supposed to do magic, strictly speaking'. I was allowed to do a bit to follow yeh and' get yer letters to yeh and' stuff one o' the reasons I was so keen to take on the job. "

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic? Also if you weren't supposed to do magic who in authority gave you permission to deliver a letter?" asked Harry.

"Oh, well I was at Hogwarts myself but I got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."

"Why were you expelled? And I reiterate my last question especially now as since you haven't finished magical education "

"It was this whole thing that got outta hand WHELP It's getting' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly. "Gotta get up ter town, get all your books and' that. "

He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.

"You can kip under that," he said. "Don't mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple of dormice in one of the pockets. " Harry was reluctant to sleep under something with wild animals in it but it was a long night and he was extremely tired.

Just like I am.

A.N. So there you have it hope you enjoyed it. If you did leave a comment let me know and Ill send you a pizza roll.

Disclaimer - You will NOT actually get a pizza roll.