It had been weeks since Kakuzu joined the Akatsuki. He was living up to the position given to him quite nicely. The Akatsuki had grown wealthy indeed, enough to actually go through with more missions. Of course, more missions meant more personnel required. The fact Kakuzu couldn't keep a partner wasn't helping. Said miser was sitting alone at a rest stop, having just killed off his-hell, he couldn't keep track of them all- (which is something) partner. He needed to save that brain power to keep track of bounties and funding.
"Hey, did you hear?"
"Hear what?"
"Yugakure is offering one hell of a bounty to collect this one kid. Rumor is he became one of them Jashinists."
Kakuzu's ears perked at the mention of a bounty. He was about to ask them more when a all-too-familiar voice rang through his head.
"Kakuzu, where is number twenty-eight?"
Ah, right... he was Kakuzu's twenty-eighth partner in the past three weeks. There was no point in naming them any more. Kakuzu only shrugged, mask hiding his grin.
"My office, now."
Kakuzu groaned but stood. He made the proper hand sign and POOF—gone. He reappeared right between Sasori and Deidara. He tensed at the sudden enclosing contact.
"I'd appreciate if you two would stop grinding me." he startled the artists.
"S-sorry, Kakuzu, hm." Deidara was redder than the other male's hair.
Said red head wasn't blushing as much, but that was due to his body being mostly false. He gave Kakuzu a look saying, 'You're the one that intruded, now leave us be.' Kakuzu scoffed, squeezing out from between the two overly-lovey-dovey artists. He had appeared at the main quarters where the Akatsuki would usually stay until assigned a new mission. Soon as they had the money, each pair of members would have their own—cheap–hideouts. Neither artist questioned where his partner had went, they knew full-well where.
"Yes, Leader?" Kakuzu sighed, entering the seemingly empty office. Pein still refused to show his face.
"Kakuzu, that was your twenty-eighth partner. Your TWENTY-EIGHTH!" He roared.
"Glad to know you can count." Kakuzu mumbled ever so quietly.
"Silence. Now I'll be assigning you a temporary partner until we are able to find one you are able to cooperate with." Leader's voice was venomous so Kakuzu merely nodded.
"Who am I assigned?"
"Zetsu." was his only response.
–
So, that is how the two of them ended up out in the woods, looking for a bandit leader with a hefty sum above his head. Zetsu easily tracked their target down and Kakuzu took hims down easily enough. The problem, however, was that Zetsu tried to eat the man on the way to the exchange point. By some miracle Kakuzu managed to get the money despite the fact the bandit's arm was digesting in Zetsu's stomach.
"Where to know, miser?"
"Yugakure is nearby, right?"
Zetsu gave a nod and took the lead. Kakuzu had to admit that this partner had a few benefits. He did not need a map and he could find any man Kakuzu was looking for. The split personalities were a nuisance at first but he learned to deal with it. They were almost at the village when the sun went down. Zetsu stopped and started to lead the banker into the forest to rest. They sat in a somewhat sheltered clearing, munching on whatever food they had brought.
"What does it taste like?" Kakuzu asked on a whim, motioning to the human flesh his partner was feasting on.
"... Meat... I guess." Zetsu shrugged.
"Hm... I considered eating my last partner out of curiosity but decided against it. Instead I left him with the cannibals we encountered."
"Hm. You found a bunch of cannibals?" Zetsu smiled.
"Yeah." Kakuzu shrugged then returned to eating his simple lunch.
They slept close to each other but not close enough to touch. One of Kakuzu's female partners made the mistake of touching him and her death was one all the Akatsuki preferred to forget. Her body parts had been scattered all around the base until Zetsu cleaned it up. The plant-like man was beginning to worship Kakuzu for providing so many easy meals. The sun started to rise and Kakuzu woke Zetsu.
"We'll be looking for something on 'Jashinists', whatever the hell that is."
Zetsu nodded and led the way back to the village. They were surprised to find the village somewhat abandoned. Zetsu remained hidden outside in the woods. The banker headed for the nearest pub in order to listen to gossip. Kakuzu immediately noticed a bounty hunting group and sat nearby, out of their sight.
"Hey there, ma'am. You care to tell us more about this 'Hidan' your village is so frightened of?"
"Hidan, ey? Sorry, but your asking the wrong lady. I'm not interested in handing my idol over to a bunch of you thugs." The server huffed, leaving them with their food and drinks to take Kakuzu's order. "You ready to order?"
"Water." Kakuzu said quickly.
"Okay then, hun." She walked off after giving him an odd look.
"Miss, may I ask you about these Jashinists that I've been hearing about? They seem interesting." He asked innocently when she returned.
"Are you willing to convert?" The woman's eyes went wide and she sat at his table.
"Perhaps. I wouldn't mind checking it out." He lied smoothly.
"Well, if you wait a bit I'd be happy to take ya to the temple when I get off. One of the priests can tell you more."
He gave a nod but groaned in the inside. He was going to a temple; he hated religious nuts. One the woman left for the back he slipped outside and went to look for Zetsu. He informed the man of his plan then went back in to wait for the woman. The woman returned after a few minutes and led him outside. He motioned for Zetsu to keep an eye on the bounty hunters that left the pub after him. He saw him lick his lips and glared; they had bounties on their heads too and he was not about to let Zetsu ruin it all for him.
They were led to some ruins surrounded by hot springs laying just outside the village perimeter. Outside there were two small boys standing over the corpse of a man, playing with the blood. The woman frowned when she saw this and hurried over.
"No playing with the sacrifices!" She scolded, grabbing their hands in order to pull them away.
"Who the hell is that?" One of the boys noticed Kakuzu.
"Someone interested in converting. Where's Hidan-sama?" She looked around the clearing.
"Some guys dressed like him came by and he went with them." They answered.
Kakuzu quirked a brow but before he could move, Leader summoned him.
"We found you a partner, Kakuzu. Return to base. IMMEDIATELY."
He cursed under his breath but weaved the signs. POOF...?
"GAH? Do you have to always come between us, hmm?"
"Seriously, Kakuzu. I'm beginning to think you're doing this on purpose."
"Just checking up on my whore."
Again, Kakuzu had arrived right between his old acquaintances in a most intimate moment. This one happened to be heading farther than usual so Kakuzu crawled out of their bed, pulling Deidara's pants off his head as he did so. He smirked at the two tangled in each others' arms and left their room, turning the light off on the way. He met Zetsu in the hall and followed him to leader's office. Inside were three people. Kisame, Itachi, and a pale man with gray hair and magenta eyes.
"Who's the shrimp?" Kakuzu sneered.
"Your new partner, Kakuzu." Itachi answered bluntly.
"How about we make a bet, Kisame?"
"Sure, Kakuzu. I bet my next few paychecks for two of your briefcases filled with money if this kid lives."
"Kid? He's got gray hair." Kakuzu frowned then added, "And I accept that deal."
"What the fuck man? Don't you know money is shit? You should really consider converting, heathens." The stranger ranted.
"Money makes the world go round and religion is just a waste of that money." Kakuzu glared.
"Jashin is not a waste of money!" He exclaimed haughtily.
"Jashin... You've got to be kidding me. You wouldn't happen to be Hidan, would you?"
"Fuck yeah I am!" He boasted.
"You, my little friend, are dead."
"Tch! Like you could pull it off, fucker!"
In a flash Hidan was pinned to the wall, Kakuzu's hands wrapped around his throat.
"I can pull it off." He tugged on Hidan's head as proof, "I won't kill you so soon though. That would be dull and boring. Let's just see how long you last."
Kakuzu turned abruptly, leaving the room. After a shove from Kisame, Hidan followed, shouting an obscenity at the blue man. They reached what passed for a living room to find Deidara sitting alone on the couch. The banker headed straight for the seat next to him, wondering where Sasori was.
"Hey Kakuzu, Hidan, hmm." Deidara greeted with a smile.
"Hey bitch. I'll be in my room if you need me." Hidan smirked, heading down the hall.
"You know him?" Kakuzu rose a brow.
"I brought him here, hmm. I met him for that period in which you left me. Y'know, the time I was raising the price over my head, hmm?" Deidara grinned when Kakuzu growled.
"I hate you."
"Eh~? Don't lie to me, Danna~ I know you don't hate me." Deidara leaned in, trying to seduce Kakuzu.
"You've lost your touch. It's a good thing you've retired and settled down with a hunk of wood."
He merely stood, easily dodging the clay Deidara threw at his head. Deidara huffed when Kakuzu vanished, heading for the room he was going to be sharing with his new partner. Said partner was already fast asleep in his bed. Kakuzu growled and went to kick him off. As he approached, however, he found himself checking out the man's body. He was small, Kakuzu had to admit, perhaps around Deidara's age, maybe older. Deidara was only seventeen or so at the moment. His hair was greasy though, unlike Deidara's well-cared-for hair. His shampoo and conditioner needs always ticked Kakuzu off but it brought in business...
"What the fuck are you staring at?" Hidan grumbled, turning over to look at Kakuzu.
"You're in my bed, zealot." He heard himself growl, studying the somewhat dull eyes.
"So. Fucking. What?" The smaller scoffed, flipping back on his stomach.
"Suit yourself..." Kakuzu smirked, sitting down on the others back, hearing a snap. Was he really that heavy or was the man so frail?
"Fuck! My back! Get off you fat old bastard!" Hidan squirmed, wincing when it made his situation worse.
"My name is Kakuzu and I am not fat. Now say 'please'." He grinned sadistically.
"N-Never!" The Jashinist gasped, beginning to go still.
"Kakuzu! Stop suffocating my friend with your fat ass, hm!" Deidara barged in.
"My ass is not fat, he's just weak." Kakuzu pouted indignantly but he got off the man, instead kicking him in the ribs which sent him crashing to the floor. "My bed."
"Fucking jackass-ed heathen!" Hidan snarled, jumping to his feet in order to brush himself off.
"Want to train with me, Hidan?" Deidara asked.
"Depends on what kind of training?" Hidan smirked suggestively, casually draping an arm over his shoulders.
"The kind that involves blowing up, hm." Deidara smirked back, heading for the door.
"'Cause you're just soo good at that." Kakuzu laughed to himself.
"You know it, hm." Deidara laughed, closing the door behind himself and his new friend.
"Can I eat your new partner yet?" Zetsu appeared in the room after a few minutes, making Kakuzu sit up on his bed.
"Wait for it..." He paused and then heard an explosion echo through the base, "Now you should be able to."
"Thanks. Yes!" Zetsu sunk back into the floor, reappearing in the training room.
Deidara stood over Hidan's limp form, laughing about something. As Zetsu drew closer he gave a pout. Their meal was getting up, ready to walk away. Deidara noticed the cannibal's approach and huffed angrily.
"Go away, Zetsu. If Danna finds out you tried to eat me again, he'll carry through with his threat, hm." He crossed his arms, glaring at him.
"This freak tried to eat ya? Is he some kind of fucking cannibal?" Hidan scoffed, stretching when he stood up.
"Look, we're not going to eat you. Kakuzu said we could have him though." Zetsu's mouth watered when he looked at the newest member.
"Oh hell no!" Hidan and Deidara exclaimed together.
"I think it's time Kakuzu-danna and I go on a little mission, hm." Deidara muttered, dragging Hidan back up to his room. "Sasori-no-Danna! Can we take a vacation, hm?" He shouted, barging into the room where Sasori had been trying to repair his body.
"Huh... so you're not entirely made of wood..." Hidan smirked as Sasori flushed, covering his lower area that had been exposed as he repaired his thigh.
"Fuck you!" He snapped.
"Maybe later, hm." Deidara snickered, "But Kakuzu needs to seriously needs a break, hm. Y'know, bond with his partner."
"Tch! As if I could get along with that shitty miser." Hidan puffed.
"Miser? Kakuzu doesn't look old..." Sasori frowned, discreetly pulling up his pants.
"Don't see how I can tell the difference since he's dressed the way he is. 'Sides, this bitch always calls him a miser." He shrugged.
"Well, go get him, Hidan and tell him only to meet me outside, hm. Tell him Sasori-danna upset me and I'm reconsidering suicide." Deidara walked over to his closet to prepare.
"What's to reconsider? Just do it you fucking pussy." Hidan drawled.
"Out." Sasori growled, pointing to the door.
"Fine, see you later, fuckers."
Hidan strode out of the room and headed down the hall for his new room. Briefly he wondered how his students felt about his leaving... The twins were too young to understand and their sister probably assumed he would return for them later. However Hidan had no intention of returning. Deidara had stopped at his ruins with Sasori and informed him about the Akatsuki. Hidan found it would be interesting to meet so many men that killed and agreed to come with for religious purposes. When he first met Deidara, he had still been a ninja of his village. Deidara was the one that told him he should revolt about the village becoming a tourist trap.
He opened the door to find Kakuzu hunched over a desk, flipping through stacks of money. Zetsu stood behind him and noticed Hidan first. He gave a smirk then headed over, licking his lips. Hidan rolled his eyes and ducked past, tapping Kakuzu on the shoulder.
"Oi, Deidara says he's going to kill himself." He lied before Kakuzu could do harm for the interruption.
"So? Can't you see I'm counting? Go tell Sasori." Kakuzu growled acidly.
"But Sasori said he wants nothing to do with another man. Apparently Deidara wasn't a good lay." Hidan shrugged.
"That's bullshit." Kakuzu set down his money to glare at him. Wow, what interesting eyes... "Deidara was the best lay I've ever had."
"Wait, what?" Hidan choked in shock; someone like Deidara actually slept with something like Kakuzu? "You fucked him?"
"I didn't fuck him personally but he brought in plenty of eager customers." Kakuzu shrugged, putting his money away.
"Are you telling me you were Deidara's 'Danna'?" Hidan gaped.
"Yes. Now, where is Deidara or better yet, Sasori. Sasori's bounty is quite large after all and I've given him plenty of warnings." Kakuzu stood up, towering over Hidan.
"Sasori's gone but Deidara's just outside." Hidan was... amazed... at the man's height.
"Hm... Fine."