Thank you Mia Rain for your kind and thoughtful reviews. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and give me your charming and insightful feedback- so I'll respond to it here. Firstly, thank you for taking a chance on a story with an unusual premise. I tend to imagine Shuichi and Eiri together forever too (because they are meant for each other!), but I always wondered what might happen to them if they did ever go their separate ways. This story just sort of started from that question. Secondly, I am very touched and flattered that you had an emotional response to Eiri's stories, and that you thought they were real stories besides! I'm sorry they made you sad though… No, they are not real stories I am afraid, I invented these mini works for the purposes of this fan fiction and based off my interpretation of who Eiri is, and what Eiri's writing might be like. I have always been curious about Eiri's books, and I always thought that knowing about them in some detail would say so much about Eiri's heart- so I wanted to make Eiri's writing the "heart' of this story too. That's why each chapter is named after one of his novels! And once again, thank you so very much again for your exceedingly kind and complimentary words. I have written some stories and little novels in the past but I'm no means a writer… I only do it for fun and to hopefully to give a few people out there enjoyment.
Thirdly hahaha! This review made me laugh. Yes… you may be very right. But you will have to read and see! I hope the next few chapters do not disappoint you and I will do my best to post good work as promptly as possible. Your reviews are only an further motivator, as I am very happy and encouraged to know that I have wonderful readers like you who are following my story so far.
"I'm really sorry we missed it" Hiro apologizes. " We wished we could have made it for Daizai's show. From I hear, it sounded like the event of the year."
Shuichi says wistfully into the phone. "It was wonderful but we would have had a better time with you there. It just wasn't the same without you guys, and without little Hoku…"
"We miss you here as well. Hokusau keeps asking where his Uncle Sushi is." Hiro chuckles. (Hokusau being only two, can't pronounce Shuichi so calls Shuichi "Sushi" instead) "But if you don't mind me asking…how did the show go for Daizai? Did he make any sales?"
"Daizai had an great time." Shuichi reports. "And he did make one big sale. He sold his largest and most expensive piece, so he's made Blue Gallery some overall profit. But as of yet… no other confirmed sales."
"Still! Congratulations! That's a real achievement! I mean he's sold the most important piece so the pressure is off!" Hiro pauses. " Frankly though, I'm a little surprised that Daizai didn't sell more at the opening. His photos are great."
"I know! I'm really surprised too Hiro! Considering how many people showed up- he should have sold them all! The place was completely jammed, you couldn't even walk around at certain points. And there was so much press... " Shuichi's voice falters. "I really hope that those people didn't just come because-"
Shuichi doesn't want to finish that thought but it is too late , he has already finished thinking it : for the majority of the audience and the press who attended the show, the art was completely incidental. They only came to see a pop-star and his famous friends, or to be part of a hip "happening" They couldn't have care less about Daizai's photos or even Daizai himself, excepting for the fact that he was Shuichi Shindo's boyfriend. Probably some of people there weren't even aware that Daizai's photos were on the wall or that they were in a art gallery.
Hiro is quiet too. He doesn't need Shuichi to finish that sentence because he already understands his friend's line of thought.
"Daizai is really talented." Hiro then says.
"Yeah he is." Shuichi clears his throat." but it takes more than just talent to succeed in the arts, right? So much it depends on connections and Daizai doesn't want me to use my connections to help him- but that's just the way the art business operates! Daizai just doesn't want to believe it though. He feels as if he has to prove something to himself…"
"But that what you love about him right?" Hiro says gently.
"Yeah I do. I love Daizai's integrity and commitment to his work, because deep down, he's a true artist who takes his work very seriously. He wants people to see his artistic statements, not just who he knows or hangs out with."
"Unfortunately." Hiro sighs. "You kind of have to get famous first before you even have the chance to have your artistic statements looked at these days."
" Yeah, sadly. Daizai is a good guy too, so he doesn't want me to feel like I'm being taken advantage of by him, or that he's with me just to benefit his career. I know that Daizai loves me for who I am, not because of the things I can do for him… but because I love Daizai so much, I want to do things for him! I want to help him out as much as I can. Most of all, I don't want Daizai to fail, or get hurt ….and its really scary to watch him try and tough it out on his own." Shuichi puts a hand over his eyes. "We're waiting for the reviews of the exhibition to come out and I'm just praying they're good. He'll be so upset if they aren't."
"You can't take responsibility for all that Shuichi. " Hiro says sympathetically. "Daizai chose this career, and what also comes along with it. He has to make these decisions by and for himself. All you can do is be supportive of him. "
" I know but still…-" Shuichi's hopes rise in his chest, as he asks. "Wait. Did you by chance buy that really big photo Hiro?"
"No… " Hiro pauses. "I'm sorry to say I didn't. We've been so busy with the new baby here…"
"Yeah I know." Shuichi says deflated. "I just wanted to ask."
"Are you alright over there Shuichi? You sound stressed ."
"I do? How can you tell?"
"You're asking me how?" Hiro scoffs. "I've been your best friend since middle school that's how! But what is it? Is there something else the matter?"
Shuichi blurts. "I saw Yuki again."
A beat of silence.
"Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while." Hiro says dumbly.
"Yeah, its a name I didn't think I'd ever say much again. I ran into Yuki in the street one day when he was buying cigarettes. He was even buying the same brand he always buys," Shuichi says weakly. "He called me a damned brat when he saw me."
" And then what happened?" Hiro says concernedly. " Was Eiri mean to you? If he was, do you need me to look him up later and talk to him when I'm back in town? Because I will!"
"No. Not at all. Yuki was actually really nice. It was good to see him even. " Shuichi struggles to relay the entire course of recent events in a succinct fashion. "What happened was is I recently found out that Daizai liked his novels so I asked Yuki to sign a copy for him and he was nice enough to do that… Then I thought it'd might be nice to catch up with Yuki and just be friendly…"
"Just be friendly?"
"Of course Hiro! What are you suggesting?! I'm with Daizai- and I'm not that kind of person!"
"Hey, I'm not suggesting that you have designs on Eiri! What I'm saying is that you could have sorts of feelings about seeing him again, not necessarily romantic or even positive ones at all…like being shocked, mad or sad, or conflicted, or just curious, you know? I'm saying that when these kinds of unexpected things happen, it can be really confusing to know exactly how to take it or know what to feel."
"Yeah. I totally get that." Shuichi agrees. "Well. I felt kind of that way… whatever you just said, so I called him up and we met up for coffee again and chatted briefly ."
"And how was that?"
"I don't know. It was hardly anything. It was okay. He was nice again, but… distant sort of? Then … weirdly enough, Yuki showed up to Daizai's show, even after he told me he wouldn't. When I saw him, he was just hanging out in the backstreet alley, and he wouldn't come inside the gallery to say hello to anybody. Isn't that strange? "
"Well, if it was that crowded, maybe he didn't want to go in." Hiro muses. "Or if the press was there, maybe he was worried about causing a scene, given you and his history together ."
"Ohhhhhh. That makes sense." Shuichi's eyes widen as that realization dawns on him "Ofcourse! I didn't even think of that!"
"You didn't?" Hiro deadpans. "Well that's why you got me I guess. To help you think things out occasionally."
"And thank goodness. Psstt. Hiro can I tell you something." Shuichi's voice lowers into a conspiratorial whisper.
"You're going tell me anyways Shuichi, so just tell me."
"Ok. Don't tell anybody this …. But… I think Yuki may have secretly bought Daizai's piece. The biggest and most expensive one I just told you about. "
"Wow."
"I know! But when I asked him about it , Yuki said he didn't know what I was talking about!"
"Did you really ask Eiri flat out if he bought it?"
"Not technically. I just thanked Yuki and I said "for you know what.".
"You thanked him. For you know what." Hiro says exasperated.
"Yeah! I thought that was pretty clear."
"Yeah. That is really clear Shuichi. " Hiro says sarcastically then emits a long exasperated sigh. "Alright. Is there anything else to make this any more complex than it already is?"
"Oh yeah, I've recently started to read some of Yuki's books as well. By the way , you're the only person who knows that too ."
Silence.
"Hiro?"
"Sorry." Hiro coughs. "I just can't believe that you're reading books. That's the most astounding thing I've heard so far."
"Haha. Very funny!"
" Well. It's just a lot to take in. So, how's it been? Reading Eiri Yuki's books I mean."
"Really tough."
"Yeah, I do hear Eiri Yuki uses a lot of fancy words."
"No, not in that way! But the fancy words are pretty annoying too. I mean the stories, the plots and the characters themselves, they're so messed up, and warped and sad…every time I read one, it makes me want to cry … or it makes me feel...awful. "
Hiro says calmly. "Sad stories are kind of Eiri's trademark Shuichi."
"So I've heard. " Shuichi groans. "But its one thing to hear about it, and another thing to experience it ! Like you said, its all been stressing me out. I just don't know what to do."
"Maybe you need to step back from the situation and regroup . Just put the sad messed up books down. Don't worry about Yuki's weird behavior or about Daizai's sales and career. Focus on something you can actually manage. Do something for yourself for a change. Either that or just buckle down and talk to him about it."
"Talk to who?" Shuichi says confusedly. "Daizai or Yuki?"
"Both of them. Talk to them about what you just talked about with me. " Hiro instructs. "When you're ready."
Shuichi thinks for a second.
"You're right. As usual. makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry to trouble you with my stupid problems. " Shuichi says sheepishly.
"Of course I'm right as usual." Hiro says affectionately. "And your problems aren't stupid. And even if they were, your stupid problems would still be my stupid problems man."
" Thanks buddy." Shuichi says sincerely. "I do love you, even though you can be a know-it-all."
"I love you too pal, even though you can be a know-nothing-at all. " Hiro laughs softly. " Hey, and call me anytime to vent or whatever. That's what friends are for right?"
Even though nothing has been resolved really, Shuichi does feel much better. Talking to Hiro always makes him feel better.
"Yeah. But enough of my drama! How's Ayaka and the baby?"
"Ayaka is doing really excellent." He can hear Hiro beaming from across the line. "As for the little one, we have a few names picked out for her-"
Shuichi tries to do as Hiro told him.
He tries to do something for himself, something he can manage. He goes the exercise machine room in his apartment and half-heartedly works out for about half an hour. He listens to some music. He replies to some pending emails. Then he books a hair dressing appointment for tomorrow. After that, he watches a part of a movie while playing with their listlessly fat cats.
Then he finds himself leaving the apartment, uncertain where is heading.
He brings the reading list with him.
Shuichi can't believe that he's here again.
"Welcome back sir!" The book store clerk greets him with a quick bow and the same pink lipped smile of professional enthusiasm . "It is very good to see you again! Did you change your mind about the ordering the rest of Eiri Yuki's books? We can get them very quickly and directly from the publishers."
"Yes hello." Shuichi says reticently. "No… I'm just here …to take a look again."
"Yes sir." The clerk's smile is unwavering. "Thank you for coming in again. We appreciate your repeat business. But if you do happen to change your mind about the order, please do not hesitate to call!"
"Thank you." Shuichi does have to admire the clerk's unrelenting saleswoman-ship. He takes a glance down at his list. The other day he had even marked off the books in Daizai's collection so he doesn't accidentally buy a repeat copy of anything.
Shuichi then looks up, and wonders vaguely what is wrong with him.
The clerk then points him out to the appropriate book selection. "Right this way sir. Mr. Yuki's books have been expecting you!"
Shuichi grimaces. He wishes she hadn't said that. It feels far too accurate.
They make their way over to Eiri's allotted shelf. Is it just him or does the selection look bigger?
"Did you enjoy The Bitterness of Absence ?" The clerk then inquires as Shuichi fingers through the books himself.
"Um." Shuichi winces . Enjoy was not quite the right word. Nevertheless he does not regret reading it. "I did enjoy it. Thank you for your recommendation but perhaps…I want something of Eiri Yuki's that's … a little different this time."
"Different." The clerk stops to think. She points a finger skywards as the thought occurs to her. "I have just the thing sir."
The clerk deftly plucks out a book from its place and hands it over to him.
Shuichi looks down at it. The book is colored ox-blood red, and even has small matching red ribbon attached for a bookmark . The title on the cover is printed in black raised swanky letters embossed in a satiny finish.
The book's title is Velvet Bold.
On the back of the book's jacket , a critic exclaims : "Eiri Yuki's most scandalous and erotic novel yet. Velvet Bold is a tour de force and proof why Eiri Yuki is one of the top of his field!"
Some publication with a snobby title says "A riveting and witty psychosexual drama that will delight new readers and Eiri Yuki's loyal fans alike!"
Some other person says that Shuichi doesn't know about, but apparently his opinion matters a lot: "Like the characters themselves, this book is sublime and utterly ridiculous. Shocking, sensual, audacious, tragic -but superbly entertaining and pleasurable!"
For some reason, all the reviews end with exclamation points. This worries Shuichi a little.
The clerk had informed him at the counter that this particular novel was one of Eiri's biggest successes about 8 years back. So much so , that according to gossip papers, there was a talk of making a film or an animated series out of it (until Eiri allegedly and very irritably said no).
With this in mind , Shuichi makes himself comfortable in his bed and reads Velvet Bold.
Velvet Bold is about an extremely successful maestro and composer with the delicious stage name "Benedict Bold" . Benedict Bold is delectable as his stage name. The man is charming, wealthy, elegant, exquisitely handsome, talented, the epitome of debonair .He is notorious for his affairs with many glamorous women and for casually breaking their hearts. Benedict is often seen gracing the social pages, and on the cover of men's magazines, and even has been featured in advertisements for liquor, shaving products, cologne and cigarettes.
Benedict's trademark is wear a sophisticated perfectly tailored wardrobe based in velvet. He wears velvet brocaded tuxedos, velvet suits, velvet waistcoats, velvet ties and bow ties, pants and shirts with velvet details, velvet handkerchiefs, velvet slippers, velvet gloves in winter (although he wears usually silk scarves and socks). Benedict even has a velvet covered cane, briefcase, and cigarette case . This has earned him the nickname "Velvet Bold", not only in reference to his dapper sartorial choices, but also to his sensual mellifluous voice and smooth confident manner. (He even has that nickname printed on his license plate of his sports car. )
Strangely though, Benedict's beginnings were left much to be desired. Benedict grew up in a extremely repressive and austere Japanese Catholic household ( which he's now estranged from ) which explains his name Benedict as it was his confirmation name. It also explains Benedict's bizarre obsession with velvet , as Benedict always loved to touch and play with the velvet that adorned different parts of his church as a child. In fact it was only aspect of church he ever liked.
Benedict's conflicted upbringing also left an indelible impression upon his psyche. A supposedly unapologetic libertine, Benedict privately does feel regret and shame over his decadent antics. He eroticizes that deep private discomfort and shame he feels, and secretly entertains masochistic sexual fantasies that he very much wants to actualize but doesn't feel safe to do so, given his suave and masterful image. That, and despite his forays with many conventionally "beautiful" women, those women aren't really what excite him, thus he feels the need to constantly seduce more women and then discard them in hopes of finding the one who will truly ignite his passion.
Benedict then has to hold auditions one day for a new cellist in the philharmonic orchestra he conducts. One of the cellists who comes into audition makes his jaws "near chatter" and his heart "dissolve in his chest". This cellist is a woman whose physically the exact type Benedict has always secretly fantasized about . The cellist's name is Arisa Ai.
Arisa Ai is very unique looking and many people believe her "ugly" for that reason. Arisa is very tall, (even taller than Benedict ), with has an extremely voluptuous , strong and robust figure. Not only that, she has peculiar features such as long reddish wavy hair, full pouting lips that only emphasize a big gap that she has between her front teeth, and mismatched colored eyes (one is dark brown, the other is greenish gold). In her audition performance, she plays cello with great passion, focus and grace and leaves Benedict spellbound. He hires Arisa immediately, not even bothering to look at the other musicians auditioning.
Benedict finds out although the cellist Arisa has a physically arresting presence and great charisma when she performs, she is very timid, self-conscious and inexperienced around men. Due to her unusual appearance and to her intimidating musical gifts, men have avoided Arisa her whole life, or have belittled her for those reason. Arisa also believes herself unattractive and because of that, she has made her music the sole love and purpose of her life.
Grasping this, Benedict then values Arisa's dedication to her music and her distinct look even more, knowing that other people do not value it. As Benedict has always considered himself a connoisseur who rebuffs the sway of the idiotic crowd, it gives Benedict a heightened sense of satisfaction to know this woman's beauty and talent suits his own secret acquired tastes. Benedict starts to thinks of Arisa as his own walking dream, a human siren tailored-made for him. He even deems her in his private thoughts "my Venus with a Cello".
Benedict proceeds to romance and seduce Arisa- (but he lets no one know about it, as to be seen with such a woman would not be congruent with his image). This time he is intent to have his submissive yearnings fulfilled. Arisa's attraction to him is also instant and intense . They commence a clandestine relationship.
Then there ensues page after page of graphic after more graphic (albeit poetically written) sex scenes, as Benedict patiently schools Arisa in love making, and little by little teaches her to indulge his masochistic fantasies.
At first he starts to sexually worship Arisa (even calling her his Venus), once pouring wine over her breasts and between her legs and lapping it up in the most intimate way possible. Then he teaches her how to safely to tie him up and choke him as they make love- with blood red velvet scarves of all things, amongst other activities. At first Arisa feels guilty and afraid of hurting Benedict, but Benedict gently assures her of his own pleasure and of hers. Gradually Benedict encourages her to beat him (significantly with his velvet cane and maestro wand) and humiliate him as he worships her. Arisa performs all these behaviors tentatively at first, until they become fluent in each other's needs and she no longer needs his tutelage.
Their sexual life blossoms and becomes strange, glorious and cathartic for both of them. They are in awe of each other and blissful in their seamless and mutual gratifying sexual chemistry. For Benedict, their physical relationship gives him the freedom to lose control, and be emotionally vulnerable and authentic in his otherwise slick , ordered and artificial life. For Arisa, she has the chance to reclaim a sense of her own power and body, and she rejoices in the fact that she has authority over and the absolute trust of a proud beautiful man that she desires completely. In fact Arisa compares Benedict to an instrument that becomes one with her- like her cello, the medium, means and end of which her passions, thoughts, and desires are brought into being. Benedict tells Arisa she is a living treatise of what he believes beauty should be, and then expounds enthusiastically on his ideas of beauty (Something he has never discussed honestly with anyone before). Benedict confesses to Arisa that he believes the enjoyment of beauty is ultimate masochistic pleasure not in that it causes pain, but in that it overwhelms and renders its participants powerless with its potency, truth and power. True beauty, Benedict says, does not coddle or console. No, it should blind, it should shatter! It should explode the very limits of a person's being! It should sear, alter, scar even, gracing one with violence and ecstasy that is true selflessness, like a jouissance of a supreme masterpiece! Benedict tells Arisa that she is beautiful because her beauty pains him, but in the same way that looking into inextinguishable fire might pain someone who has only thrived in the lie of constant darkness. The pain is actually is a vision of truth itself.
They whisper this intimately to each other in the dark, as they share a cigarette in bed. When the cigarette is done, Benedict passionately kisses Arisa and guides her hand to put out the cigarette on his chest, right over his heart to symbolize their perfect union.
More invigorated and inspired than ever because of his steamy and intense affair with Arisa, Benedict writes several scores in quick succession that are his biggest successes yet. They are lauded as a creative breakthrough and Benedict's performances of them are critically acclaimed as the best of his career.
Given this flurry and outpouring of public attention and acclaim, Benedict feels obliged to maintain his signature public image by seducing and dominating other women as per his customary way. It becomes more tiresome and meaningless as ever. He realizes the only time he feels real pleasure, relaxation and freedom is with Arisa. From there, Arisa and Benedict relationship gradually evolves from gratifying and unusual sex into a more and more personal involvement. There transpires an interesting juxtaposition between their extreme sexual dynamics and their affectionate and tender interactions otherwise. In some comical scenes, Benedict and Arisa even start to talk like a doting couple during their outlandish sexual activities- once as Benedict complains of the stress of work, Arisa-while soothing and consoling him in speech, has tied him up , blind folded him, and is dripping hot wax on his chest.
Later the maestro and the cellist start meeting just to talk or spend time together. They then sneak away for a romantic and idyllic weekend in a mountain hot springs. There in the mountains, their relationship reaches its fruition. Benedict tells Arisa his real name : Benito "Benedict" Bessho. Benedict never remembers feeling so happy, but he also realizes how much that his own happiness and the perfection in his and Arisa's relationship is predicated on secrecy . He has longed for all his life to have a oasis where he can truly be himself. Their relationship is that oasis and Benedict decides he must keep it private and protected from the outside world at all costs.
Meanwhile , there is a another woman Shika- a recently jilted ex-lover of Benedict's past, who hovers in the background and seems to suspect of his relationship with Arisa. Shika could be possibly stalking them. Paranoid about this and that other people might start to suspect him in general, Benedict starts seeing another woman for appearance's sake, Hatsumi a wealthy and chic socialite who is on the board of the orchestra committee. At the same time, Benedict is still seeing Arisa.
Benedict starts juggling all three women- Shika the possible stalker, Hatsumi who he is with for appearances, and Arisa who he really cares about. The stress of trying to manage this situation takes its toll on him. Benedict's work starts to suffer for it. His audiences and backers notice he is "not like acting himself" and are confused and disappointed, especially after his most recent fabulous successes.
Arisa notices this and selflessly tries to distance herself from Benedict. Arisa begins to avoid him more and more and as she is more outgoing and confident (due to Benedict's relationship with her), she starts secretly seeing another man she meets at a bar with the name of Rios Sen.
Rios Sen (he demands he be called by his first and last name at all times) is a Half Japanese half Western ex-boxer from Singapore who involved in various business practices throughout the world. Japan is just one of his many mysterious and diverse interests (he supposedly even partially owns some tin mines in Indonesia, and involved with commodity trading in many parts of the world) but he comes back and forth quite often because he enjoys visiting Japan so much.
Rios Sen is the anti-thesis to Benedict. Rios Sen is even taller than the cellist. He is large and imposing and has the rugged ruined cocky "good looks" of a boxer. While successful, cunning and aggressive, Rios Sen lacks any finesse or sense of culture. Rios Sen is constantly swearing and saying other vulgar things in his dark coarse brash voice, swaggers around like a bull in a china shop, putting his feet up on other people's tables, or sitting with his legs uncomfortably wide apart. He is however somehow charismatic in his crude brutal way. Rios Sen also tends to be more on sadistic side of the scale sexually.
Then the book delves into more graphic sexual scenes, this time taking place between Rios Sen and Arisa: Rios Sen likes to overwhelm Arisa with his stature, and demonstrate his strength and stamina during sex by putting her in athletic sexual positions,( once holding her up like a wheelbarrow). Rios Sen also likes to spring sexual surprises on her, including once sliding a hand up her skirt during their dinner at a fine restaurant together and digitally pleasuring her with one hand, while leeringly feeding her with his fork with the other. (She climaxes during their main course.) Rios Sen also likes call her demeaning names, pull her hair, even occasionally smacking her , squeezing her throat, shaking her, and spitting on her while they make love (which she finds herself uneasily and bewilderedly enjoying).
When Arisa asks why Rios Sen enjoys this, Rios Sen proudly explains he enjoys taking control of a classy 'Amazon' of a woman like her- of 'taking her down a peg' and mastering someone who can handle his size, power and aggression. He boastfully compares good sex to a good boxing match, how the match isn't good unless the opponent can meet him, or better, be a challenge. Arisa is confused, conflicted about and overwhelmed by her new lover. For while Rios Sen is short-fused and rough (but satisfying) sexually, Rios Sen many good qualities as well. Rios Sen is straightforward, fiercely loyal and cares for Arisa a great deal. Refreshingly, the ex-boxer also doesn't care what anyone thinks of them being seen together and leaps to protect and defend her when he perceives anyone diminishing her . Rios Sen even physically intimidates a man who tries to harass her on the street. Arisa realizes she does, in a way, care for Rios Sen too.
Later Rios Sen pressures and plies her with the idea of her leaving Japan to live with him in his luxurious house in Singapore, and becoming his serious and well-kept girlfriend. Sick of the lonely traveler's life, he wants to take her traveling around the world with him. Arisa refuses, saying she'd must be free to play her music, Rios Sen is so determined to have her agree, he starts to prepare a prestigious position in the Singaporean Orchestra for her with his contacts. Seeing that there is no real future with Benedict, tired of being his secret and sharing him with other women besides and still having the opportunity to play her beloved music, Arisa finally gives into Rios Sen's pressuring and says yes. She resigns her position in her current orchestra and prepares to leave. Satisfied with her answer, Rios Sen goes back to Singapore to wait for her.
Benedict having been distracted by a host of other issues such as managing his career, his cover relationship with Hatsumi, and dealing with Shika the potential stalker, finds out about Arisa's resignation. Benedict then learns of about Arisa's other man and her intentions for the future and he is devastated, yet he can do nothing openly without exposing himself. He calls her, and begs Arisa to see him again, claiming he needs to talk to her, or rather, talk her out of her plans.
Arisa reluctantly agrees to see Benedict for one last time. However the only time available for Arisa to meet him is the night of Benedict's last performance of the orchestral season. Benedict promises her he will come as soon as he is able. His plan is to leave immediately after the show and meet her in a hotel room nearby that he reserved for both of them.
Unfortunately, all does not go as planned. Benedict is caught up and forced to go into an post- performance party by Hatsumi and their entourage, and finds out to his frustration, that he is even obliged to make a speech that he's totally unprepared for. But as per his style (and now looking forward to seeing Arisa), Benedict does well with it. He improvises an rather amusing, irreverent, and clever speech which half politely and wittily insults everyone around him, and half seduces and excessively flatters them as well. The audience is delighted, laughing and clapping throughout, thinking Benedict, while having acting a little strange lately, is back to his usual charming marvelously urbane old self. When he done, Benedict toasts to the three things to that he says he lives for, "the beauty of the other sex, to the transcendence of music, and a well-cut suit".
When Benedict finally extricates himself and arrives at the hotel very much later than he said he would, he sees to his horror that the hotel has caught fire.
Benedict watches in a panic as he sees people run out or being rescued but not his Arisa. In terror, he flees the scene. When he gathers his wits enough, Benedict frantically tries to call Arisa but to no response. That night (while no longer religious) nevertheless Benedict falls onto his knees and prays fervently that cellist grew impatient and left earlier and is not picking up his calls because she is angry with him .
The next day, he finds out that his prayers have been for naught. Benedict discovers that Arisa perished in the fire. She had been waiting for him in their hotel room when it happened, but because she had fallen asleep waiting, she died of smoke inhalation before she could make an escape.
When Benedict finds this out, he cannot even grieve publicly as their relationship was secret. Furthermore Benedict cannot let anyone know that he was unwittingly responsible for Arisa's untimely death. Regardless, the maestro feels shattered , as though God Himself has personally punished him for his sins.
Meanwhile back in Singapore, Rios Sen learns the bad news and is heartbroken and mystified - why was Arisa at that hotel at all? Rios Sen comes back to Japan to find out about the mysterious circumstances of Arisa's death and to attend her funeral.
Too horrified and tormented with guilt and revulsion over what he's done, Benedict himself does not attend Arisa' s funeral, and he hates himself even more for his cowardice. Benedict later tries to secretly visit Arisa's grave, he learns she has no true grave. Arisa recently changed her will to have her ashes simply scattered- significantly at the mountain hot spring where they spent their romantic weekend. Meanwhile, Hatsumi, the socialite who Benedict is still "seeing" presses them to get engaged. Benedict agrees, too listless and depressed to refuse her.
When Shika, (who has actually been stalking Benedict and Arisa all along) finds out of the news of Benedict's engagement to Hatsumi, she decides to take her revenge.
Shika approaches Rios Sen who is still trying to uncover the mystery of Arisa's death. Shika informs him that the cellist was going to meet Benedict the night she died . Shika even has evidence- she has photos of Arisa and Benedict together and then a photo of Benedict at the scene of the fire. (It is also intimated in the book that Shika was the one who set the hotel fire but its never stated explicitly).Shika tells him where he can find Benedict as well.
Hearing this, Rios Sen is enraged and goes to find Benedict.
When Rios Sen finally does find Benedict, he is at a high-end bar called "The Looking Glass" , whose claim to fame is that everything in it is made of mirrors, including the floor, the walls, and the tables. Benedict is with his new fiancée Hatsumi and some of their friends living it up, "celebrating" his new engagement. (Actually Benedict is near hysterical from grief, but is forcing himself to act idiotically happy by getting near black out drunk.)
Rios Sen is so outraged at the scene, he grabs Benedict and brutally beats him up, even smashing his face repeatedly through the mirrored table their parties' drinks are being served on.
It is reported in the press as a bar fight for "unknown reasons."
The scandalous aspect of the love triangle never comes out, but it doesn't matter. Benedict is beaten by the ex-boxer so severely, he loses some of his vision in his eyes, he loses most of his hearing and his good looks are completely destroyed by the force of the blows and by the broken mirrored glass of the table he was pummeled through.
Benedict can later recall, in a ghastly dreamlike way, seeing his own attack from every angle in every mirror of the bar during Rios Sen's vicious beating. Benedict can recall seeing the image of himself being battered infinitely repeated over and over on the surface of the ceiling, the floor, the table itself and being able to witness (to his own horror) his once beautiful face coming to meet him again and again as it was smashed through the table, seeing how each time how it was being more crushed, bloodied and destroyed beyond recognition . Benedict says he could not tell the difference between the reflected blood and his actual blood, the exploded brokenness of himself, or the shards of glass lying around him.
As a consequence of Benedict's now compromised vision, near deafness and his now ruined looks, Benedict loses everything. He loses his potential fiancée, his career in music, his fame, and with it all the women that used to flock to him. Once one of the most desirable and beautiful men in high society, Benedict is reduced to wear a surgeon's mask in public to prevent the staring and ogling at his damaged features and horrific scars.
However, due to his feelings of guilt, Benedict doesn't bother to press charges against Rios Sen . When Benedict does finally see Rios Sen again (with Shika no less, as Shika and Rios Sen have just started dating each other) , Benedict simply bows respectfully to him, and apologizes to him over the loss of the cellist, then leaves.
Then doomed to obscurity and failure, Benedict dies in an very ignoble un-suave way not long after. During a solitary bender in a disgusting dive hotel, Benedict blacks out, falls down and hits his head on the floor. He is both naked and unconscious when he asphyxiates on his own vomit .
Not only that, his body is left there in his room for days undiscovered by anyone- and it is only finally found out about because they needed to inquire about his bill.
It is discovered that shortly before his death, Benedict readjusted his will. Benedict requested that his ashes be scattered at the same mountain that his dear cellist's is scattered. He writes he would like a plaque set there that says: To Velvet Bold and his Venus with a Cello. Together finally, and at Last
Not knowing what that means, Benedict's family disregards his wishes and bury him in their family plot.
Shuichi sits up and literally tosses the book aside. One of his hand grips the headboard to keep himself upright, but he ends up falling back anyway. He thumps the back of his head against the headboard and he slide down it to lie on the bed, slumped and motionless, his eyes sore, red and watery. For how long he does not know.
Then he hesitantly looks down at his lap.
Throughout the book, (mortifying as it is to admit), Shuichi couldn't help but get aroused by reading some of the sexual scenes. It had gotten to certain point that the heat and friction of his jeans against his groin had become deliciously uncomfortable and grown into a teasingly slow ache like a piece of taffy being slowly pulled throughout his body. But yet Shuichi continued reading on despite this, needing to know what happened to the characters next.
Abstractly he knows that that was not the right thing to do.
Although the appalling and tragic ending of the book had sent shivers down his spine ( even left him nauesated , especially when reading about gruesome death of Benedict) and thoroughly quashed out even any suggestive thought in Shuichi, he could still see just the slightest, hardly perceptible stain on the crotch of his jeans from before.
Just as a reminder of the aftereffects of desire.
Daizai returns from doing several magazine interviews later in the day to promote his exhibition. After Daizai grabs them both a beer, they sit together on the sofa and Shuichi watches Daizai tell animatedly him how it all went.
It is difficult for Shuichi to pay attention to what he's actually saying, but he is relieved to see that at least Daizai is smiling and looks happy as he's talking. That means it went well. In that the case, the details aren't that important.
Mid-way through his spiel, Daizai suddenly turns his head and sees the new addition on the bookshelf, but Velvet Bold does stand out from the others. Being red and all.
"Hey, is that a new Eiri Yuki book?"
Shuichi utters. "Yes it is."
"Oooo." Daizai grins. "Is it a present for me for working so hard today?"
"Kind of…"Shuichi recalls that stain of his jeans and fights the urge to cringe or hide away. He changed his pants earlier, but he still feels confused, guilty and ashamed. Then again, he feels confused, guilty and ashamed for a lot of things. Should he tell Daizai he met Eiri for coffee again? Or that Eiri came to his show, and maybe bought his piece? How can Shuichi bring it up? Is it even important to? Maybe, he thinks, he has to do one thing at a time.
Shuichi slowly admits. "I … I actually bought that book and read it myself this afternoon. I wanted to see what you like so much about Yuki's books. So I've been … reading a few others too. Or trying to anyways. "
Daizai studies him a moment then smiles.
"So what do you think? Aren't they good?"
"Yes, they are but they're very…" Shuichi chokes. He can't continue.
"Sad right? That's the point, They're supposed to be! They're good for a cry." Daizai laughs.
Shuichi does not laugh with him. "But is that just what they're good for? "
"Huh?"
"I mean is that's all they're worth?!" Shuichi snaps and shudders. "Just to read and then cry afterwards? To shed a few crocodile tears, and then forget it and move on to the next one?"
Daizai looks stunned. " Hey, I didn't mean it like that, all dismissive-like. I honestly like the guy's books. What I meant that's Eiri Yuki's style. He doesn't write happy stories."
"Not one of them ? Ever?" Shuichi realizes his voice is small.
"Not really. At least the ones I've read, no." Daizai looks at him concernedly. "Hey…Shuichi are you alright? You look a little upset."
"No. I'm fine… I just want to ask you though… since you've read more of them than I have…can you tell me, what do Yuki's stories mean?" Shuichi pleads. He shifts in closer to his boyfriend. " I want to understand… Why do people like them so much?"
"Well." Daizai tilts his head. "There are a lot of different meanings to the guy's stories and people read his work for all different kind of reasons."
"Like what?"
"Some of his readers would say the stories' meaning is to entertain or to pass the time. To a bookseller or publisher, their meaning would to make money… likewise.." Daizai looks aside. " Some people read them because they find Eiri Yuki good looking. Some people read his books because their friends read them, and there are some people just like to read things that make them have a big sob afterwards…"
"Why you do read them Daizai?" Shuichi croaks.
Daizai sighs and puts his hands behind his head. He directs his gaze towards the ceiling and stretches his legs before him. This is deceptively relaxing looking pose he makes when he is thinking hard about something. But Daizai is funny that way, in that sometimes he tries to conceal his feelings by behaving in the complete opposite manner. Like how he grins cockily when he's actually very nervous.
"Think about it." Daizai murmurs. "Why are Eiri Yuki's stories sad at all? They shouldn't be. They're only stories aren't they? Just made up people doing made up stuff. Only words on a page."
"But they aren't!" Shuichi interjects.
"Exactly. They aren't." Daizai nods sagely. "That's why I read them all these years, because even though the stories and the characters are all make believe… the feelings that permeate throughout his work aren't."
Daizai continues thoughtfully. "That's why you care about the characters in the books, because they aren't just paper cut outs that have random bad shit happen to them, although a lot of bad shit does happen to them. Although the characters may not be real themselves, the feelings and motivations they have are real. The dilemmas they face and the situations they get themselves into and their experiences are real too. They're real because we know it from our own experiences right? We all have been there, one way or another. Like…. we all know what its like to love someone and suffer for it, or not loved back or lose them altogether, or never get them in the first place. We all know what it's like to be forced to be somebody we're not sometimes, or be frustrated, or be obsessed, or conflicted with our sense of morality or our own sexuality, or hateful or be ashamed, or scared and alienated, or be filled with self-doubt. So in a weird way, I think … Eiri Yuki's books aren't … sad at all. They're actually strangely comforting and life-affirming, because they express things that we can't usually can't ever admit to other people, or even to ourselves a lot… so its like …he takes the burden upon himself to do it for you, you know? It's as if when you read them- well, I don't know the guy- but it feels like he's put a hand on your shoulder and is telling you "Yeah. I get it. I understand. You understand too, and that's why you're reading this." That's what Eiri Yuki's books mean to me. Or his better books anyways. I also happen to think the guy is a good writer too." Daizai grimaces. "Does uh… that answer your questions?"
"It does." Shuichi's breath is caught up inside him. He feels like he might faint. He manages to get up somehow. "I …need to take a walk or something. Just to clear my head…"
"Ok." Daizai blinks. "Do you want me to come with?"
"No, its fine. I need some… alone time."
"But you've been alone all day." Daizai looks a little miffed.
"Yeah… but I was reading … " Shuichi mumbles. "and I think it took something out of me."
"I'm not surprised about that. I didn't think you had it in you to begin with. I mean after all these years of avoiding his books- and all books in general- suddenly you're mister bookworm?" Daizai smirks. "I never thought I'd see the day. I guess I started you down a reader's path huh?"
"Heh. Yeah. Not really." Shuichi says, still subdued. He thinks: Hiro was right. "I think I need to take a break from reading for a while."
"Thats okay. I get it. I'm an artist, that's the way we are. We need some "ourselves" time occasionally... Or a lot." Daizai lays down on thesofa, a forearm over his eyes. "Go take your walk Shu. Just make sure back in time for dinner. Try not to be late. I'm cooking something new tonight."
"Thanks." Shuichi gets his coat and keys and phone.
As he opens the door to go , he looks behind and says "I love you Daizai."
"I love you too Shuichi." Daizai laughs from his prone position on the sofa. "Now get the hell out of here. I want some me time too."