WARNING: This chapter has strong language in it, because I can't write as Mello without swearing a whole lot xD It's why I put this fanfic as T.

Yep, I still don't own anything. I wish I did, though.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Why the hell are you pairing me with guys? News flash, people. I am not a girl, and I am not gay. Yes, I have long hair and I wear tight leather. Ahaha, it's so funny, isn't it? No. It's because it looks badass, not because I'm a girl.

You pair me with Near. Why. The. Fuck. Do. You. Pair. Me. With. Near. Are you all insane? The only time I will ever touch that fucking sheep is when I'm punching him in the fucking face. Oh, yeah, he's so great and special and look, he's number 1! Don't get me fucking started. I go through getting my best friend killed, then dying myself because of the bitch Takada, and he takes all the damn credit for my work! He is so full of himself. I hate him. I FUCKING HATE HIM.

Ahem.

Why are you guys so obsessed with pairing me with Matt? He's my best friend, and he has been since before I can remember. Just because we're close doesn't mean we're secretly screwing or anything. There might be a bromance there, but there is between loads of guy friends. It's normal! Thank God you've got one thing right, though, and you're all putting me a seme. I'm way more dominant than Matt. He's such a girl sometimes.

You're pairing me with Light Yagami? Yeah, his name backwards is Imagay, but mine isn't. Besides that obvious point, he's also Kira. He's sick, twisted and insane. That weird laugh he does just makes him look like a frickin' idiot. He has no fashion sense, either. Seriously, even Matt's feather vest is better than some of the stuff that Imagay wears.

I suppose the pairing that makes the most sense is when you write about me and Misa, and even that's weird. At least she has some fashion sense. Her hair's pretty much like mine, and mine's awesome, so I guess that makes hers awesome. Her clothes are okay, they're like mine, but they make her look like a hooker. And don't get me started on her constant pouting and wailing. I get a headache just thinking about it. Do you know how temping it is to pull out a gun and blow her brains out?

So what I'm really trying to say is that you're all insane. Carry on with whatever weird fiction you write – hey, if that's your thing, I won't judge. Just don't expect me to be happy about it. And remember that I have the Mafia on my side.

-Mello (L's first successor)