A/N: I know, it's been awhile. I really wanted to get this chapter out before Thursday because it's the anticipated Derek/Addison scene. Since the entire fic has been outlined since the summer, the plan is to continue it as planned, regardless of what happens in Season 3.
If you're interested in the article used as research for this chapter, please see my LJ.
Lysa and I are still working on "Ever the Same," it's difficult with our different schedules, but we're still working on it.
Thanks for reading, thanks for reviewing.
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Chasing Infinity
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Chapter 4
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Callie slowly peeled the paper wrapper away from the cupcake, letting it drop down onto the table. A dusting of faint chocolate crumbs rolled onto the wood grain and she pinched the dessert with her thumb and index finger as she drew it closer to her mouth.
She hesitated. Cupcakes weren't healthy and certainly not an appropriate breakfast. She didn't need a medical degree to tell her that. But Callie once again noticed the piles of baked goods that littered the kitchen and shrugged. No sense letting it go to waste. She bit into the treat, colored frosting stained her lips.
"I didn't hear you come in last night," she informed the figure in the doorway.
Meredith swallowed hard, silently crossing the room towards the refrigerator. She scanned the shelves for something not seeping with sugar. Callie's eyes bore into her back. Meredith could even feel the sting.
"I wasn't with Derek all night," Meredith explained, moving the gallon of sour milk to peer at the plate of leftovers in the very back of the fridge. "I left and went to Finn's."
Callie snorted, and Meredith could almost hear the woman rolling her eyes. "So you run off to your boyfriend's after going out with your precious McDreamy?" Callie's voice dripped with distain.
Meredith whirled around to defend herself. She drew in breath, but Callie stopped her before the words could even escape.
"No, no. I get it."
"But—"
Callie held up her hand, silencing Meredith. "Look, I don't care if you want to always have someone else chasing after you while you chase after Doctor Shepherd. I don't care if you want to have an affair with a married man who won't leave his wife."
Callie rose and dumped the half-eaten cupcake into the garbage. Her dark eyes flashed angrily at Meredith. "George and I didn't sleep much last night. We were taking care of Izzie most of the night. You know, for being a member of this freaking family that George is always going on about, you're doing a pretty shitty job of being a member. So maybe you should help your family deal with their problems instead of going off and causing your own."
Meredith stared silently through wide eyes as Callie shot another disparaging glare towards her before marching out of the kitchen.
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Addison toyed with the hem of her skirt as she waited. She was grateful she had decided to don her lab coat before locking her office and heading to the small, unused conference room.
The crisp white material had always given her a feeling of confidence even in the most intimidating situations. She remembered her very first lab coat on her very first day of residency as a mere intern. It was silly really. Something as simple as sewn fabric shouldn't be used as a security blanket. But in those first moments of fear and confusion, the paralyzing fear seemed to fade. And when the smiling intern who answered to "Shep" that she had fallen hard for during her second year of med school helped her slide the lab coat on, she felt like a doctor.
It was years later when she was finally important enough to warrant an embroidered name.
The sharp dark thread smiled up at her and Addison frowned back.
She would probably need a new lab coat soon.
One with a shorter name.
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"I thought I would stop by and see how you were today," Bailey announced as she breezed into Burke's room. In her arms she carried a stack of magazines which dropped onto the foot of the bed, articulated with a series of dull thuds as the booklets dominoed against the bed.
"What are these?" Burked tilted his head, trying to read the titles on the spines.
"Reading material," she said simply, breaking the tower into smaller stacks. As she set each grouping onto the bed she announced the names of the various categories: general medicine, surgery, cardiology, and classical music. "You have some extra time on your hands," she explained, brushing over the reason he found himself with the addition time. "So I figured you could catch up on your reading. I won't be able to send my suck-ups in to entertain you. They've got to pick up the slack," she frowned, thinking about Izzie.
After she had left the room, Burke picked up the closest booklet. The sleek cover displayed a violin. Idly, he flipped to a page and began to read.
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"No, it's fine," she gave him false assurances, reminding herself that if she was nothing else, she was Addison Forbes Montgomery; and Shepherd or no, she was the picture of professionalism. Derek would not see her cry.
"I moved out here. We went to counseling. We tried. It just didn't work," Addison said, half expecting Derek to chime in, to agree as he had so many times before that they were trying— had tried.
But Derek wouldn't meet her eyes and continued staring down at his tightly folded hands.
"It's fine," Addison repeated cautiously. "Because we tried. Didn't we?"
Addison didn't even know why she asked. Maybe she had tried, but Derek had been just as absent as he had been in New York. Only Seattle came with a doe-eyed intern for her husband to stalk like a forlorn puppy.
He refused to answer, refused to even look at her, and Addison suddenly had the twisted desire to know.
"Derek?" she pressed, almost pleading. Her voice broke. "We did try?"
Derek mumbled something so low that Addison couldn't understand him, and when she asked him to speak louder, the force of the words almost knocked her backwards.
"I slept with Meredith. The night of the prom I slept with Meredith."
She watched him in stunned amazement. "Excuse me?" her measured, even voice surprised her. Pain and sadness forgotten. The room was too small and he was too close and all she could see was red.
"I'm sorry, Addie. I never meant to hurt you," he gazed up at her, looking the picture of innocence and regret.
But Addison knew he didn't regret it. He wasn't sorry and he didn't care if he hurt her.
Addison paced around the room, trying to control the anger that was boiling inside of her. Derek watched her through worried eyes as she struggled for minutes before the eruption:
"You are unbelievable!" she began. Her volume and tone quickly escalated with each syllable.
Derek remained rooted in his chair, flinching slightly as she practically shouted at him. But he stayed there, taking it. She figured that they both knew he deserved it and more.
"This entire time you held Mark against me, Derek? After all the effort I put into saving this marriage. Moving out to Seattle— Seattle, Derek. To live as a damn woodsman in a trailer in the forest while you suffer through your mid-life crisis— catching fish and chasing women at least ten years your junior!"
Derek's jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed, but Addison kept her momentum, undeterred and barely pausing for breath:
"I gave up my practice to move out here to a husband who stopped loving me on the hope that we could save our marriage. I suffered through months of you holding Mark over my head— calling me 'Satan' and 'adulterous bitch' and acting all morally superior and righteous." Addison snickered angrily and laughed in a sing-song voice: "'Poor Derek Shepherd who's evil bitch of a wife is holding him to his vows when she couldn't do the same and is keeping him away from his true love.'"
Addison stopped stalking around the conference room, stopping across the table from Derek. She slammed her palms against the table and felt rewarded when he jerked back slightly.
"Well here it is Derek. You're finally getting what you wanted. So now you can run back to your little girlfriend and live happily ever after. Because it's only adultery when it's me. Isn't it?" Addison gasp for breath, a strand of fiery red hair tumbled from the clip, but looked pale against her flushed face.
"Shut up, Addison," Derek's voice sounded like ice.
Addison looked up from the conference table where she had been studying the flecks in the plastic top while she willed her pulse to slow. She knew that tone— it was the tone he'd used when she had first flown out to Seattle Grace. The tone that seeped with resentment and hatred. Addison wanted to slap him; maybe he wanted to do the same to her.
"This has nothing to do with Meredith," he finally looked at her. His eyes were dark and furious. Why could she never evoke such emotions from him? Why could Meredith? It wasn't fair.
"Oh, the hell it doesn't, Derek. It's the same thing!"
"It's not the same thing," Derek defended.
"You honestly think that I'll believe that?" Addison balked.
"You and me have nothing to do with me and her," he spoke angrily, pronouncing each word as if he thought she were a moron. Addison wondered if it was possible that he did.
"It has everything to do with her, Derek!"
"Listen to me!" he commanded.
Addison stormed towards the door. "No, Derek. Because I'm not going to listen to your excuses or justification on how this has nothing to do with Meredith Grey. Just like how me sleeping with Mark isn't the same as you sleeping with Meredith, right?" she fired back.
He looked as though he was seriously searching for a way to rationalize his actions. The thought made her sick. Addison crossed her arms protectively over her chest.
"I'll have my lawyer call your lawyer. Don't call me," she hissed, turning on her heel.
Derek rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, I won't."
Addison swung open the door, not at all surprised to find a small cluster of three nurses standing yards away from the entrance to the conference room. She pursed her lips tightly together, slamming the door behind her as she strode away to her office. Her black heels pounding against the white linoleum.
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Meredith smoothed her scrub top with her hands, trying to ignore how much they shook.
'What if I see him today,' she wondered. 'What do I say?'
Cristina walked up towards her, tying her hair back.
"I need alcohol," her friend announced.
Meredith's eyes widened. "Okay," she answered.
"We need to go to Joe's tonight," Cristina informed her, leaning her back against the nearest locker.
Meredith's eyes darted towards Cristina and then away. There were so many reasons why they didn't need to go to Joe's. Meredith's history of inappropriate sexual decisions when she indulged in too much tequila. The embarrassing truth that Cristina was just a little too harsh and forthcoming in telling strangers her opinions after kicking bad too many. Knowing that Finn fully expected Meredith to show up for dinner after her shift ended. But what stuck out in Meredith's mind more than all the other reasons were Callie's words from that morning that rang in her ears:
"Maybe you should help your family deal with their problems instead of going off and causing your own."
"I don't think we should," Meredith timidly said, biting the corner of her lip. She tried to ignore the blank look that washed over Cristina's face.
"Okay, fine," she pushed her weight off of the lockers and headed towards the door.
Meredith sighed and rushed to stuff her bag into her locked and hurry after Christina.
"It's just, there's so much going on, and I don't think we should," even Meredith silently admitted how pathetic that sounded. With all the drama they were experiencing, who wouldn't need a drink?
Cristina sneered at her. "Seriously?" she asked, but before Meredith had a chance to respond, her face faded from irritation to vulnerability and halted Meredith in her tracks.
"Meredith," she confessed, wondering why she was opening herself up like this. "I need my person."
She watched Meredith with guarded eyes, and bit her lip. Reluctantly, Meredith nodded, agreeing. It wasn't a good idea, but Cristina needed her person.
-o-
"Well good morning, Dr. Karev. Glad you could join me this morning," Addison spoke with more enthusiasm than she felt.
"Why?" Alex glared and stopped directly in front of her, crossing his arms angrily across his chest.
"Why?" she repeated innocently. "Why what?"
"Why am I assigned to you again?" his words dripped contempt.
Addison merely smiled what could only be described as a sadistic grin, and began walking towards the nearest patient's room. She heard Alex's stomping footfalls thundering after her.
"I hope you enjoyed your break. Or at least, I hope it was worth it," she commented once he caught up with her. "But don't worry. I notified all the other services that you'll be on rotation with me. From now on, you won't be thinking about anything besides OB/GYN," Addison stopped walking suddenly to turn and face him. "So if I even hear a rumor that you're trying to steal patients or surgeries or trying to get out of this..." she trailed off, letting the threat hang in the air.
Alex rolled his eyes. "You don't scare me."
Addison remembered back to the first batch of interns she landed as a resident. Miriam Stegal, a squinty-eyed, arrogant intern who resented being subordinate to any woman who valued personal presence or fashion sense. The girl had aggressively challenged any direction Addison gave and constantly gossiped about Addison's obvious lack of skill. Addison had broken her. And she would break Karev.
"I should," she smiled wickedly. "You should've known better than to cross me, Karev."
"Whatever," he huffed. But again, he followed when she strode down the hall, trailing after her like an obedient animal.
Addison smirked to herself. If she couldn't take her anger out on her husband, at least she could take it out on her intern.
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Meredith gulped down the knot forming in her throat as she waited outside of Burke's room. The last thing she wanted was see Derek, but when Bailey had told her she was assigned to round with Neuro, she knew he had other plans.
"Meredith," he whispered her name softly as he took the chart from her hands. She turned her head away, refusing to meet his gaze. The danger that she'd fall in was too great for the risk.
"Meredith," he tried again, voice pleading, as he lightly touched her elbow, forcing her to acknowledge him, "can I please talk to you?"
"About work? Yes Doctor Shepherd, you can talk to me about work," her eyes strayed away from his.
With a frustrated groan, Derek pushed open the door to the room.
"Doctor Burke," he greeted his patient with more enthusiasm than he felt.
Burke looked up from his magazine and carefully closed it and set it on his leg, smiling at Derek and Meredith while Derek began a string of questions about Burke's daily progress.
Meredith watched Derek, peering at him when he had his concentration trained solely on Burke. Her throat felt dry and she gulped down a lump when remembered the way he looked at her when he bared his soul to her at Doc's grave. She blinked, forcing herself back into reality. She had made her decision and she would not be broken by Derek again.
"Okay, well, things are definitely looking better," Derek's voice shook her out of her thoughts. "Your hand function has significantly improved." Derek gestured towards the piles of tied suture tangled in a small nest on the table.
Burke smiled, following his gaze, but when he flexed his hand the slight tremors began anew. His grin collapsed and Derek's jaw clenched.
"I still don't have full function," Burke noted sullenly, his frustration evident.
Derek tilted his head to the side, searching for the best way to encourage his friend, but realizing that regardless of how hard he tried; Burke might have spent the rest of his life working to regain full hand function without success.
"Physical therapy will help—" he began the rehearsed speech that he delivered many times before. He hoped looking down at Burke's chart would hide how grim the outlook was.
"Shepherd," Burke began, his voice quivering, "Derek… what about a beta-blocker or…"
Derek's eyes snapped to Burke, then rapidly returned to the chart in his hands, thumbing through the pages. "Your BP's normal. Any migraines?"
"Not that," Burke clarified, "my hand tremors."
Meredith's eyebrows furrowed, "I don't— I mean, what would beta-blockers have to do with this?"
Derek turned to her, meeting her confused expression. He sighed deeply and turned towards their patient, prompting Burke to explain to the intern.
"Beta-blockers are sometimes used to reduce tremors or shaking," he reluctantly fumbled for the magazine, passing it to Meredith.
"I can't prescribe you that," Derek told him.
Burke glared at him, his change subtle, but speaking volumes. "Why not? Inderal or Monitan could vastly improve my hand function."
She flipped to the page that had been creased open. Her eyes quickly scanned over the article highlighting drug use by professional musicians. Frowning, she set the magazine down on the room's guest chair.
"Try physical therapy," Derek encouraged, passing the chart to Meredith as he moved to the door. "You're not done healing."
Meredith reluctantly followed Derek into the hallway, shortening her stride to remain yards behind him. She watched her shoes as she trailed behind.
"Keep a close eye on him."
Meredith jumped and stopped when she looked up to find Derek next to her. 'How did he get there?'
"With his drive for perfection, there's no telling how he's feeling— what he might do trying to regain his skill. I don't want him to use a drug as a crutch," Derek said lowly.
Meredith rolled her eyes. "Confined to a bed, he can't do much of anything," she quipped.
Derek lightly placed his hand on her arm, "Just do it, Meredith."
"Fine," she hissed as she began to start down the hall again.
"Meredith," Derek said, quickly walking to catch up with her. He took a shallow breath to tell her about Addison and how he had made his decision in an hospital exam room.
But she remained silent, so Derek nodded to himself and walked with her to the next room.
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"George!" Izzie called out.
Callie and George looked up from their table on the far side of the outdoor cafeteria just as Izzie barreled towards them.
"Whoa," Callie whispered under her breath, wearing a look of absolute horror watching Izzie frantically grabbing a chair from a nearby table and shoving it between the couple.
George blinked, his confusion evident. "Izzie, what are you doing here?" his eyebrows furrowed. "I thought the Chief put you on leave."
"I just came from the funeral home," she explained breathlessly.
Callie's eyes darted over towards George, noticing his face blanching. Izzie grabbed for her oversized purse and produced a stack of glossy brochures.
"I've been looking at these all morning, and I don't know which ones I should pick," Izzie flipped through the top booklet. The pages were lined with rows of various shapes of headstones and selections of colored granite.
"Here," she said, handing George a catalogue of coffins. "I have until Thursday— that's when his funeral is," she explained, her eyes watering. "It has to be perfect. And George, you have to help me."
Callie sighed softly, but her eyes were full of understanding and she scooted her chair to give Izzie more room at the table. George gave her a tight, forced smile, "Sure Izzie."
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The bag of chips fluttered down to the floor of the vending machine. Meredith squatted down to retrieve her snack while the small metal disks clanked down to the coin return. One dime shot out from the machine and rolled across the floor, settling under an empty chair. Frowning, she left walked away, leaving the change.
She rounded the corner in search of some needed rest and time to think… to process. But her gurney was occupied. Meredith considered turning away, worried about the information and conversation they would have could reveal. But he was having just as rough of a time has she was, maybe more with having to watch the woman he loved grieve over someone else.
"Hey Alex," she greeted as she sank onto the gurney.
He glanced over at her, barely acknowledging her presence before turning back to the magazine, flipping a page.
"You okay?" she peered at him while struggling to open the sealed snack. After many failed attempts to pry it open, he reached over and took the bag, pulling it open and stealing a chip before passing the rest back to her.
"Thanks," she said quietly.
After a moment, he finally answered her. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm hiding from the She-Shepherd, so I'm fine until she tracks me down."
Meredith's head shot up, realizing that this was what Bailey had described as a 'special assignment' for Alex. "Addison?" her voice grey shaky and she wondered if he could hear her heart hammering against the walls of her chest. She fought to keep her voice level. "Oh, how is she?"
"She's a filthy whore-bitch, like always."
"No, I meant how is she?"
Alex studied her and Meredith suddenly thought she knew what patients felt like during rounds when half a dozen doctors and felt like they were being scrutinized from every angle.
"What did you do?"
"What?" Meredith winced at how loud her voice sounded. She hoped it didn't sound as guilty to Alex as it did to her. "I mean," she said, lowering her volume, "why do you think I did anything?"
But Alex possessed an awful talent for seeing through lies and Meredith felt her stomach twist into knots as Alex watched her. An eternity passed before he calmly stated: "You did something."
She opened her mouth to protest and tell him he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but Alex laughed at her expression. Then she knew she was in trouble, because worse than Alex's ability to tell when someone was lying was his gift of guessing exactly when Meredith had done a horrible thing.
"You never ask how she is. You only ask how it is working with her," he commented, watching her suspiciously. "You did something."
Meredith counted the seconds until he finally put all the pieces together.
"So who'd you sleep with this time? McDreamy?" Alex smirked at her as though the question was the most amusing thing he'd ever thought of.
Meredith bit her lip and looked down towards the floor. And then Alex knew he would never again joke about his friend's sexual practices. He didn't want to risk a potential third victim— himself.
It occurred to Alex that although Addison served as Satan's whore when she wasn't rounding at the hospital, maybe he should cut her some slack— he knew full well the destruction Meredith Grey left in her wake.
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