Chapter 4

Harry sat at the overcrowded table at the Burrow and held Ginny's hand in his own. It was December and he was trying to come to terms with the fact that there was going to be a Christmas. It had taken one confusing rainy walk back home for him to realize that he needed to stop. People were counting on him. There was no time to feel miserable or empty. When he got back to the familiarity of Grimmauld Place Ginny was there with a letter in her hand. The letter, addressed to him, had been delivered to the Burrow by mistake. Ginny came over to give it to him. He put the letter aside and took her hand instead. It had been easy, natural. it had been the way it was supposed to be.

He was warm, his nose filled with the smells of Molly's excellent cooking. Next to him Ron and Arthur were discussing the Auror program.

'It is a pity you missed the early exam opportunities Hermione.' Molly said.

Hermione turned a polite smile towards the woman 'I will have to return to Hogwarts then.' she said 'Whenever it might reopen.'

'It's outrageous' Ginny said 'That you would need to get your N.E.W.T.S. and these two get a free ride' she poked Harry in the ribs.

Ron gave her an annoyed look' We saved the world.'

'And Hermione saved the two of you and the world.' Ginny retorted.

'There is more to life than saving the world Gin' Harry said absently. He was trying not to see the empty spaces at the table. The place where Remus used to sit with Tonks, the empty space left by Sirius that was more inside of him than part of this house but that was real to him none the less, the absence of Fred that was written all over George's face even now as he passionately backed up Ginny's claims. Saving the world. Harry wished that the conversation would turn away from the subject. He didn't feel like he saved much. He stood abruptly, Ginny's hand still in his. She looked up at him her eyes a mix of question and concern.

'I am just…going to check on Teddy.' he said.

'I just checked dear.' Molly said but Harry was already walking. Teddy had a bedroom in Grimmauld Place but he preferred the one he had at the Burrow, ghost included. Harry climbed the stairs to the room that had been Ron's before he moved out.

Teddy was asleep on his back, his small fists clutching part of the blanket, his purple hair a hideous contrast with the orange flowers that were sewn on it. Harry smiled, when he had put the boy to sleep his hair had been a bright green. He pulled up a chair and sat watching Teddy's chest rise and fall.

Come on then.

He shook off the memory. The sour feeling in his chest that appeared sometime after he had left Pansy's flat had never left completely. It stirred inside him every time he scanned the Prophet more thoroughly than was particularly necessary, whenever he looked at Molly's copies of Witch Weekly.

There was nothing of course. He remembered the way Pansy had looked, the hurt on her face. Of course there was nothing. He hated the part of him that still checked the Prophet and yet could not stop himself. The thought of hurting Ginny that badly was beyond his coping skills of the week.

He remembered loving Ginny. Remembered goosebumps on his skin from her mere touch. Ginny was exciting and fun and his. Ginny had forgiven him and taken him back. Ginny had waited for him. Ginny had been the reason - part of the reason- he had succeeded in defeating Voldemort. So many people died to make that happen but Ginny had survived, had suffered and had waited.

He remembered telling her that he was going to leave her to hunt for the horcruxes. She had never been more beautiful to him than in that moment when she had let him go. She understood duty, she understood pain. She understood him. She deserved the life that she waited for. And Harry promised himself that he would give her that life.

He rubbed his eyes with one hand and placed the other on Teddy's crib watching the child. He tried not to think of hurting Pansy. He didn't want it to be true. If he had hurt Pansy he would need to apologize. See her again. He wished that idea did not excite him. He wished he understood what had happened between them. His father would never have done such a thing. Neither would his friends. They were noble men, all of them, men of honor. Men who knew love. Who knew how to love.

Lily? After all this time?

Always.

Harry sighed. Now he had a whole new set of memories to try and not think about. At least these ones were his own. He wished sometimes he had never seen Snape's. Back then they had seemed a useful tool. The part of his brain that had still been working recognized that he needed to know that he needed to die. He focused on that first. Tried to reconcile himself to death at seventeen. Death after all of it. He had taken that part of the memories and walked into the forest.

But then he lived and Snape didn't and the memories got stored in a chamber at Gringotts and inside his head. After he had had time to think the memories Snape left him became confusing. He went to Snaps grave to try and get answers from a stone. Why had neither of them been able to get over their own stubbornness? Why had Snape never just told him about his mother? Why had he, Harry never shown interest in Lily Evans before she became a Potter? He clenched his fists to his sides and felt his body start to shake again.

'Harry?'

He turned.

'Hermione'

She stood in the doorway watching him with that inquisitive stare that used to mean that his home work was wrong but now meant he was in more deep trouble than that. There was a sadness in her, a heaviness that was in all of them but in Hermione it was visible and it had only worsened after her return from Australia. She motioned for him to stand and he followed closing Teddy's door behind him.

'Are you alright?' They asked the question together. Hermione smiled. She was panting a little from the climb a couple of strains of her impossible hair had escaped her ponytail. She was looking at him like he was a porcelain doll about to break. He searched for a smile in return.

'I think you should answer that first' she said 'You were up there for half an hour. Is Teddy all right? Are you worried because Madam Tonks might not agree with you taking him here? is he still sick?'

Harry produced a grin 'Teddy is fine. He had some kind of coughing disease last week but Andromeda assured me it was nothing.'

Hermione made a face 'What kind of coughing disease?'

Harry shook his head 'I don't know Hermione. I told you, Andromeda said he was fine. And I asked her about taking him here she seemed alright with that. I must have forgotten the time, I am sorry. I just I like sitting with him.' He turned on the staircase and started walking downstairs.

'I know.' Hermione said behind him 'Ginny told me. Harry.' she tapped his shoulder making him turn on the stairs.

'Harry are you alright?'

'I am fine' he said, annoyed now that she couldn't see that he was. She should focus on her own pain, on Ron not on him.

'Ginny said you have been spending a lot of time with- with Andromeda these past few months.'

Harry refrained from rolling his eyes 'Ginny said that? Teddy is there most of the time and I don't think Andromeda minds me or she would have said so by now' he frowned ' Did Ginny- Is she unhappy? I can cut up the time but-'

'That's not the point' Hermione said 'I...well I came to visit the other day I wanted to talk to you but you were away so she told me about Teddy. I think it's nice the two of you spending so much time together but I was just wondering' she bit her pip and stared right at him 'I was wondering if there was some reason that you are over at Andromeda's so often.'

'Teddy is there' Harry said 'He is my godson. I want to be a proper godfather.

Like Sirius was for me' he felt like he was biting off his tongue with every sentence.

Hermione nodded, she was back to biting her lip again.

'Is there anything you wanted to tell me?' he asked recognizing signs of distress 'You didn't answer the question yourself. Are you all right?'

He hid a smile when she started fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. A warmth crept inside his chest dismissing the jumble of confusing emotions. He suppressed the urge to hug the woman in front of him watching as she pulled something from her pocket and performed a piece of wandless transfiguration magic with the same amount of effort she usually placed in turning a page in one of her books. The unnamable thing in her hand turned into a ring. She looked at Harry with an almost guilty face.

'I told Ginny first.' she said 'You don't need to look quite so panicky. He asked me in Australia.'

Harry blinked 'Ron. Ron asked? Ron proposed?'

'No Harry I have been seeing another bloke on the side. Of course Ron. Who else would propose to me with a self-made ring he transfigured out of broom hair in our fifth year?'

She was smiling but Harry could still hear annoyance in her voice.

'Harry? Oh Harry I meant to tell you first.' she sounded guilty, clearly misinterpreting the look on his face ' But you weren't there and well I had already transfigured the ring and Ginny kind of guessed. I made her not tell you and I told Ron to keep his mouth shut and well you can't tell Molly she will want a wedding this minute. We want to wait for a while but Ron said he earned the right to at least ask.'

'You said yes?'

The excited look on her face vanished 'Yes of course I said yes.' she frowned 'I know we are young Harry but we do plan to wait and well after Australia -' the flood of words died out. 'Harry? Look I am sorry for not tel-'

He pulled her into a hug.

'Congratulations' he said. He wanted to add an are you certain but she looked relieved and almost happy and he decided to keep smiling at her. 'I am happy for you guys.'

'There is not going to be a wedding soon but well… Ron wanted you to be best man so I well I asked Ginny.'

Harry nodded still careful to keep a smile on his face.

'Anything you need Hermione. I'd be honored.'

She sighed with relief 'Oh good. Because Ron is going to ask you to be best man tomorrow during Auror training.'

Harry felt his smile become genuine. Of course Hermione would coordinate Ron asking him to take an active part in their wedding. He hugged her to him.

'I'll act surprised. I promise.'

Hermione smiled. Harry never let go of her hand as they made their way downstairs. He needed to stop fucking up the lives of his friends. Hermione was going to be fine, she was getting married and he had been so busy with his own pathetic existence that he had almost missed out.

Come on then

He needed to stop.

'Did you find it?'

Millicent Bulstrode emerged from Pansy's closet holding three different dress robes and proceeded to lay them out on Pansy's bed. She moved her feet away. Millicent shot her an annoyed look.

'This one fits your dress.' she said pointing to the outer left pair of robes 'But this one complements your eyes. Pans' she sighed and plopped down on the bed next to Pansy. 'You are not paying attention.'

'I am so' Pansy protested ' Narcissa Malfoy's Christmas party of course I am paying attention.'

Millicent placed a hand on one gloriously curved hip 'Fine. Go pick out something that befits me.'

Pansy giggled.

'Is it because Draco will be there?' she said to Pansy's back as Pansy busied herself with her dresses.

'Draco is there every year.'

'Is it because this year he has invited the painfully straight Greengrass family?'

'Painfully straight?' Pansy laughed.

'As is everyone else in attendance.' Millicent said stretching out on the bed 'I will be dateless. Again I might add.' she shifted eyeing Pansy's selection of dresses critically.

'Is it because Draco-'

'Please stop talking about Draco Millie' Pansy said. She turned, her hands filled with enough dresses and dress robes to hopefully distract even Millicent.

'But is it?' Millie pressed as she pulled a green dress towards her. Slytherins and green Pansy would never see the end of it. Pink was a better color on her. She shook her head

'Draco moved on. I need to accept that.'

Millicent rested her head on her hands 'How is that going?'

'Pretty well.' Pansy retorted 'I just feel like this Christmas party is a bit inappropriate.'

'She held one last year. Tried to anyway.' Millicent shrugged. 'We lost. We didn't die. We party.'

'You sound like Theo.'

'Now you insult me. I like that middle dress.' she said pointing to a creme colored fishtail dress that Pansy had wanted to wear herself 'Needs a bit of spellwork.'

'Adjust your heart out' Pansy said sitting on the bed next to her friend.

Milie gave her a sideway glance 'Are you ever going to tell me why you went and moved to this muggle trash heap? I mean I can hear them' she made a face one would expect to see if one was stupid enough to ask Millie to clean out a gutter.

'I like this flat' Pansy said. She knew all the hidden questions. Why move out of her parent's mansion? Why miss every gathering and social event? Why did she Pansy Parkinson Slytherin Queen disappear? But asking that meant talking about the past and Pansy knew that Millicent would not do that. It had become the basic gelling of their friendship. To not ask. To let the other have her secrets and just live and be allowed to pretend. Pansy didn't know what they were pretending exactly but she knew there were masks involved in her conversations with the former members of her House. Masks she didn't necessarily wanted to see taken off.

'Fine don't tell me.' Millie said interrupting her pointless thoughts 'You know who has been asking for-' the sentence died in her mouth. Pansy stiffened. She looked over at Milie. Her friend's relaxed pose was gone, Pansy could see her eyes widen.

'Who asked about me Milie?' she said trying to keep her tone light.

'I hate not being able to speak the way I want to. He took our words you know that? He went and took our words.'

'He took more than that' Pansy shrugged. They were dangerously close now to discussing things she felt that she could not discuss without some heavy drinking and some bloodied lips. 'Who asked about me Mil?'

Millicent swallowed whatever it was she had been about to say and produced a smirk 'Harry Potter'

Idiot

'Where did you hear that?' Pansy asked. It was easy to keep her voice light.

'A woman in my shop told one of my assistants in astonishing detail. She works at the Ministry….or is married to someone in the Ministry I forgot. Anyway she said Potter was trying to find out where you work, where you live stuff like that.'

The unspoken question hung in the air. Pansy bit her tongue. It had taken a while to scrub his touch from her skin. She had yet to get rid of him in her dreams.

Millicent stared right at her. Pansy quickly looked to the floor. Snape had taught a few of them Legilimency until their fourth year. Millicent had been one of the few.

Fuck

'Very hip dating a Gryffindor.' Milie said 'Very 'My first redemption story' she made quotation marks in the air.

'Mil.'

'Getting over Draco is going well then?'

Fuck Harry Potter.

Millicent wiggled her eyebrows. Pansy ignored her. She had no idea why Potter would be looking for her but the fact that he was going about it with all the stealth of a mountain troll was just aggravating. And frankly confusing. Had he not told her to keep their whatever their night had been a secret from Ginny? Had he not panicked at the mere thought someone would find out that he had touched her? Why was he looking for her?

'Oh darling you are asking the wrong questions.'

'Get out of my head.'

'In a minute.'

'Milicent!'

'Fine.' she said still grinning.

Pansy sighed 'What's the right question then?'

Millicent shrugged ' The right question would be do you want to be found?'