:)))) thanks for reading! EDIT the wrong document was in place for some reason- its fixed now! how embarrassing
Ludwig was more quiet than usual.
Since being diagnosed, he had been quiet. But this was more quiet. Instead of a simple lack of desire to make conversations, Ludwig seemed to be more disconnected, especially after his last chemotherapy appointment. He told Gilbert this, and Gilbert had asked him to probe a bit more. "Please, for me. He'll probably rebuff you at first but he will open up to you."
Feliciano agreed, but he was nervous to try and approach the subject.
"Ludwig, how are you?" He asked, whenever he got home from work.
"Mm." Was the reply that he obtained today.
The pair had eaten dinner as normal. They had flicked through TV channels, whilst Ludwig read a novel. Feliciano eventually left the silence to wash up, but kept casually glancing at Ludwig, who was blankly staring at the book he was reading, and only rarely turned a page.
"Ludwig, are you okay?" He asked.
Ludwig stirred, and snapped back to reality. "Of course." He said, and wandered over to Feliciano. "Do you want some help with the plates?" He asked, and Feliciano nodded.
An uncomfortable silence filled the room, and Feliciano didn't know what to say. Strange for him, he was known as a chatterbox, but he didn't want to upset Ludwig.
"Ludwig..." He began to ask the blonde man who was drying the plates. "Maybe you should go to one of those support groups-"
"I don't want to go and talk about my feelings with a bunch of strangers."
Feliciano paused. "Then maybe just the psychologist in the hospital-"
"Just the same" Ludwig snapped.
Feliciano tried to keep himself calm and not get upset at the tone of Ludwig's voice. "But maybe you should talk with someone who understands better than me." He placed his hand on Ludwig's own and was glad when Ludwig didn't pull away, but the German man still evaded looking at Feliciano. "It's normal to feel-"
Ludwig pulled his hand away. "This isn't normal. This isn't fucking normal. You treat me like I'm glass, like I'm weak, and I hate it!"
Feliciano couldn't help but feel the tears well up. "Ludwig, I'm sorry-"
"Stop apologising for everything! Stop everything. Can't I be left alone for a bit without you pestering me about how I feel!?" Ludwig snapped, and walked over to the bedroom, where he slammed the door.
Feliciano was left alone. He wasn't sure what to do now, but in the end he just grabbed his coat and left the house.
The tears streamed down his face. It was bitterly cold out, which made the tears sting even more, but Feliciano kept walking. He eventually found himself in the park.
He collapsed onto the bench. Feliciano shivered. It was freezing, but he couldn't return yet, not when he was this upset. He knew better than to break down in front of Ludwig, that's what the books said, emotional talks should involve both parties, not just one.
Who was He trying to kid. Feliciano was a failure. He had tried so hard make sure Ludwig was happy and safe and felt loved throughout this whole experience, but Ludwig was sad and angry and was pushing Feliciano away. He cried harder. Ludwig had always been there for him, and he was failing so badly when Ludwig needed him most. And he wasn't even sure if Ludwig needed him. He was probably just a nuisance.
The trees rattled with the wind, and Feliciano shuddered some more. It was way too cold to stay out long, and he hadn't brought a scarf. He thought about his options, but realised the best option was to find a coffee shop in the train station.
Feliciano drank the coffee meekly. None of the coffee shops were open at this time of night in this small train station, which he supposed he should've guessed; so he went for a McDonalds coffee instead.
It was weak and tasteless, but it was warm, and Feliciano let himself calm down.
He tapped his foot, wondering if he should call Ludwig, when he realised that he didn't have his phone because he left in such a rush. Cursing at his own stupidity, he beamoned not even being able to play an app to pass the time.
He absently waited in McDonald's for 10 minutes. He was getting ready to walk back when he heard the door open again.
It was Ludwig, and he immediately a tried forward to greet Feliciano.
"Feliciano- oh god, I found you." Ludwig stammered. He looked so cold.
"Ludwig, you didn't need to come and find me, I'm all right." He said inwardly fretting because of the temperature, as Ludwig should not be out when it was this cold and he was this sick.
Ludwig walked over and grasped his hands, in a tender move, but Ludwig's hands were icy and it made Feliciano flinch a little. "I was worried, and I'm sorry." Ludwig said. "I didn't really mean the words I said or the way I said them."
Feliciano nodded, but couldn't help but feel unease at Ludwig's apology. Ludwig was worrying about him.
Feliciano went to fetch Ludwig a coffee because his lips were blue, and he looked tired. "Ludwig, you shouldn't have come after me, it's too cold." He said.
Ludwig glanced up at him. "I shouldn't have chased you out, it's too cold." He retorted back.
Feliciano paused. "Ludwig- I'm really sorry-"
Ludwig cut him off by cupping his face, and then re-grasped Feliciano's hands, but tighter. "Please don't apologise, it is me. I'm trying to handle this on my own, because I just can't bear other people trying to help me or interfere with my life. But, I just feel so awful all the time. I feel drained and tired and nauseous and achey. I don't feel like me anymore. That makes me feel so... Sad, I guess. I'm just sick of it." He had been looking at their hands, and glanced up at Feliciano. "I just want this all to stop now, I want it to be over." he admitted.
Feliciano felt his heart break. "L-Ludwig, I-" he wanted to cry. But he knew he shouldn't. "Don't give up now Ludwig-"
"I'm not giving up." Ludwig immediately cut accross. "I'll keep going forward. I'm sick of it but I'm not gonna stop. And maybe" Ludwig sighed, and looked at the floor "Maybe I do need some sort of outlet or something. I'm clearly not coping here." He admitted, and Feliciano was surprised by such an admission.
Feliciano moved his chair around the table to be able to lean into Ludwig. "Please just tell me that you're feeling bad. I can understand more than you think. It doesn't annoy me to see you sad." He didn't know how, but he'd try. "I know you're worried that I'm emotionally not strong but I can still help even though I'm not strong."
Ludwig smiled a bit. "I'll try to remember that." he said. "But, you are strong. You've not complained once to me, you've just dealt with it. And I feel bad that I'm not the easiest to talk to. I know that. I'll make more of an effort."
Feliciano smiled. "Oh, Ludwig. I think I often feel like crying too much."
Ludwig shook his head. "In this situation, I'm not expecting superman, Feliciano. I'm expecting my boyfriend. You can cry if you want to." he said.
Feliciano looked at him in shock. Ludwig was validating his sadness. They walked out of the door, and Feliciano buried his head into Ludwig's shoulder, and let a few tears flow. It was the first time he'd cried in front of Ludwig since the diagnosis. Ludwig comforted him, and although it was sad, Feliciano felt huge relief.
"Hey Ludwig, I'll pick you up in an hour."
"Mm." Ludwig replied. He didn't look overly keen to be at the hospital. But Feliciano insisted that he try out a support meeting. So there they were, at the hospital entrance. "You're not going to wait around for me, are you?" He asked, concerned.
"No, I'm going to look for a new winter coat in town." He replied. He didn't really need to buy one now, his old one was fine but shopping always put his mind at rest somewhat and he knew Ludwig hated the idea of him waiting around for him so he had to find something to do.
And so he did. He went around shopping for a new winter coat, and found many he liked before settling on one. It, surprisingly, was not the most expensive one. Maybe Ludwig had rubbed off on him. Maybe expensive clothes just didn't matter much to him anymore.
Out of the corner or his eye, he spotted a new coat, a heavier double breasted one. It would look great on Ludwig he mused. Although Ludwig was a little thinner now, the large would still fit him though, wouldn't it? He hastily made the purchase.
Eventually it was time to pick up Ludwig. He was keen to be there early. Ludwig being sick and given Feliciano a good kick up he backside and he had felt and he now endeavored to be on time. and so Ludwig emerged from the doors. He walked up to the car door.
"How was it?" Feliciano asked as Ludwig moved into the car
Ludwig shrugged. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We just talked about how we were feeling, how treatment was going and all, and then just chatted about other things not related to cancer." he said. "Life goes on, I suppose."
"That's good, Ludwig!"
Ludwig shrugged. "I guess. I felt so awkward." He gave Feliciano a smile though, and even if it was forced, it was a start.
Baby steps.