A/N Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer!
Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. This was originally joined with the next chapter but I felt like it needed to be broken up.
Songs: Fix You by ColdPlay – I know it's trite but if you read at the same speed I do it lines up in a gorgeous way
Story of Your Bones by The Jennifer Nettles Band – for the second half **language warning on this song - she does say BS and it ain't abbreviated**
At the end of the day, after being dressed and made-up by Alice in the ladies room, I donned my riding jacket, and stood next to my bike waiting on the black Mercedes to show up. Alice had picked out some very snug designer jeans for me and a flowing blouse that was, of course, blue. I hardly ever wore blue anymore if I could avoid it. Then, there were the boots, they had a three inch spiked heel and came to my knees. I pulled the jeans down over them. I did have to admit that I looked good. I took a minute to clip my hair back and soon the Mercedes pulled up next to my space.
"Get in," Edward ordered from the drivers seat.
"I'll follow you. There's not enough room, and I'm not leaving my bike on campus." I shook my head and attempted not to laugh at his apparent disapproval. Perhaps I could use his overprotective side against him. "Do you know what could happen to me when I come back to get it tonight? College campuses at night are not safe places to be, especially in these heels. "
"Then let Jasper drive it," He pleaded although he was obviously getting angry with me.
"Um, thanks but no. I'm pretty sure I can keep up if that's what you're worried about. It's faster than it looks." I smiled and raised my eyebrows, challenging him. I heard Emmett and Jasper 'whoop' from the backseat. He was out of the car in a flash. "You'd better get back in that car. Didn't Alice warn you about me and the bike? I'm a little attached to it."
"It's not safe..." He started but I put my helmet on.
"I haven't come close to having an accident in over three years." I flipped my visor up. "Last I checked, I was a grown up and capable of making my own decisions."
He pinched the bridge of his nose. I almost laughed at the amount of anxiety this was causing him. This argument was taking too long. The risk of someone from the Lit department walking out to the lot and seeing us increased every minute that we stood there. So, I made a snap decision to get out of the parking lot before anyone else could see us together.
"Do you want to ride with me?" I raised an eyebrow and smiled knowing that this would get us out of the lot faster. "It's a lot of fun." If his reaction earlier was at all reliable he wouldn't give up a chance at being so close to me. The sane part of my brain screamed at me in terror. What was I thinking? I didn't want him next to me, his arms around my waist, breathing on my shoulder. A pleasant shiver went down my spine at that thought, or did I?
He stepped in closer and I hopped on before he could take over and decide he was driving. Rosalie moved to the drivers seat of the car as Edward swung a leg over the bike. I braced myself for the sensation, but still barely kept myself from gasping when he pulled in close to me and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist.
"Are you alright?" He asked my shoulder. I had forgotten about two critical things: The first was my heart, it beat faster, and being so close he would not only hear it but feel it. The second was Jasper. Jasper was in the car and could sense the strong wave of emotion that had just passed over me and was still pulsating through my body. It was strong enough that he would have thought something about it and that meant Edward most definitely knew that at least on a physical level that I was still interested in him. I silently cursed Jasper, Edward, and vampires in general.
"I'm perfect." I snapped my visor down and revved the motorcycle before he could respond. I didn't even notice the lack of my hallucinatory Edward with the real one behind me. Rosalie took off and in spite of the distraction sitting behind me making it harder and harder to function normally, I had no problems keeping pace with her. She even tried to lose me. At this point riding was second nature, the bike and I moved seamlessly as one being. It was an extension of myself. It was hard to believe that this antique had once been trash. Jacob really worked on it and modified it to the point where I wouldn't want a new bike even if I could afford one. Part of that was sentimentality, it was what I had left of the good times at LaPush and Jake.
Eventually we pulled down a gravel drive that led to the Cullens new house. It was an interesting modern design, which struck me as odd. Esme's true love was renovating, but this house looked new. I barely had time to think about it. I pulled into the garage and caught a glimpse of the silver Volvo in the corner; it brought a lump to my throat. Just seeing it brought back a flood of memories that I had been avoiding: the drive home after I passed out during blood typing, being rescued in Port Angeles then after dinner that night when I told him I didn't care what he was, him standing next to it before launching himself across the parking lot to save me, driving too fast which I never liked until he left...
I cut the engine and started to swing my leg off of the bike, but Edward stopped me. His siblings rushed inside and I took off my helmet and waited to hear if he had something to say. My heart had been softened a bit by my embarrassing urge to turn around and jump him the second he got on the bike. There was no hiding that now. Being angry was going to be harder too, I had held onto it for so long but deep down I still wanted him no matter how he happened to want me. It was disgusting.
"That was amazing. Thank you," He whispered in my ear sending shivers down my spine and effectively turning my insides into Jello. I shook ever so slightly as he let me go, and we got off of the bike. I unfastened my hair and shook it out a bit just for something to do to cover the fact that my entire body shook. I took off my jacket and fought the urge to go to him and pull him into me. I was furious with myself for wanting that so badly. I set my things on the saddle.
"Can I say something before the sarcasm and the insults start again?" There was a smile to his voice, and all alone in the garage it was hard to believe that there was a world outside where I could be so cruel to him.
"I make no promises about the sarcasm, it's kind of ingrained at this point, but I'll try not to insult you further." I stole a glance at him over my shoulder. I refused to face him head on; he stood a few feet behind me, shoulders slumped, with his hands in his pockets.
"I need you to understand that this is as hard for me as it is for you," he paused because his voice cracked. "I never stopped loving you Bella. When I thought you died Carlisle and Esme refused to allow me to be alone. For three years I've had one of my siblings or another right next to me to keep me from going to Italy every second of every day. I haven't been living, but today... when I saw you ... when you took off your helmet... it was like my heart started again. I know that I have a lot to make up for, I know that something terrible has happened to you, and that it's my fault but I'd like a chance if you'll let me have one."
That was something that I didn't anticipate. Edward had openly and honestly asked for a second chance. I couldn't help but wonder if he knew how much I had changed. I wasn't the same girl anymore. I wished that things could be that easy; I wanted to be able to touch him, and for him to hold me the way he used to. I wanted him to take away my nightmares and the pain like he'd been able to before, but now I wasn't sure if he could.
"I still don't understand; you said you didn't want me." I fingered the edge of my saddle watching the leather dent with the gentle pressure I applied to it.
"I -" He stopped to take a breath. "I have regretted that day every second of my life since. I never expected you to actually believe me. I lied so that you would move on. The day you disappeared..." His voice broke in a sob and I moved without a thought. I was in front of him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him to me. I couldn't help myself; hearing him cry broke my heart as well. I hugged him tightly to me and buried my head in his chest drawing in his scent. It was part of my soul that had been missing for years.
The cool temperature of his skin felt good to my overheated body. He wrapped his arms around me and continued to sob. Eventually, we dropped to the garage floor. I cradled his head to my chest and kissed his forehead the way he used to kiss mine. I ran my hand through his hair and down behind his ear before moving my thumb across his cool forehead gently attempting to soothe the pain he was feeling. I knew that what I would tell the family later would make this even worse. He had to know though. There would be no hiding it if he ever held me while I slept, or if he ever saw more of my body than jeans and a T-shirt permitted. Enough roommates at Florida had commented on my nightmares that I ultimately got a private room because no one wanted to share one with me.
When he calmed I pulled his face up to look at mine. His eyes were still so sad that they almost overwhelmed me. I grabbed him in another hug, willing the pain that was emanating from both of us to be crushed. Holding him didn't quite make me feel whole though.
"I fear that my side of the story is only going to hurt you more. Do you think that you can handle it? Because, it might have been better for you if I had died than to know what actually happened that spring and summer. I can't tell you if you can't forgive yourself." Tears pricked my eyes but I kept them from overflowing.
"I don't think that anything could be worse than what we smelled in your room that day," He sighed.
"It might very well be worse than what you've imagined. The story is kind of terrifying but I can't even consider taking you back unless you know what happened, it's part of who I am now." I rubbed his back. "I can't tell it more than once. I think it would break me apart. So, when you're ready, I'll tell everyone together." He pulled me tighter and inhaled a breath from my hair.
"Are you ready to go in?" I asked him. I felt him nod and we stood. He slipped his hand around mine and I smiled while we walked in.
The second the door was open, Esme pulled me into a hug.
"I've missed you!" She cried. "Come, I've made dinner. Alice said that you haven't eaten much today, and that you've gone down two dress sizes since we last saw you – you need to eat more!" Esme truly was my mother in some ways, more so than my own mother had ever been.
"It's good to see you Bella." Carlisle caught me before Esme could lead me to the kitchen; he pulled me into a hug. He looked at me for a long time, like he was searching for something, but eventually he let me go.
The next family member to greet me surprised me. Jasper gave me a quick hug before backing up to stand next to Alice. He still looked hesitant around me. I would have to talk to him. The last time I had any contact with him was my ill-fated eighteenth birthday party that sparked Edward wanting to leave in the first place. I had never held that against him, but I could only imagine that he must have felt guilty all this time.
I sat down to dinner with Esme and Carlisle looking on, and they asked me all of the questions that were polite to ask. The fact that I was in graduate school was as much of shock to them as it had been to everyone else. Carlisle beamed with pride. It felt like I was one of his children again. It was such a comfortable role that I slipped right back into it effortlessly. This really was where I belonged; the Cullens were my family. It was hard not to feel upset with Edward about having lost that for four years, but I had to let it go at some point.
After I had eaten to Esme's satisfaction, which was more than I was accustomed to eating, they led me into the living room. It looked suspiciously identical to their living room in Forks, down to the white couches and carpeting. Everyone else had already relaxed into their regular positions. Nothing seemed to change in the Cullen household after four years, until I noticed one glaring omission. Edward's piano was nowhere to be seen. I looked around the room expecting to at least find a keyboard or an upright tucked against the wall, but there was nothing. It occurred to me exactly how much he must have been hurting to have stopped playing enough not to even have one at the new house.
Carlisle and Esme sat down. I was no longer sure where to go. Edward had moved from his usual spot and sat next to Jasper and I didn't know whether I belonged next to him on the couch or not. I ultimately decided that since the television was turned off, that talking was probably going to be the primary activity for the evening. I sat down cross-legged on the floor facing everyone, and idly fidgeted with the heel of my boot. I didn't know if I should start or wait for someone else to bring up the topic of what had happened after they left.
"Are you going to tell us exactly how it is that you're alive after the bloodbath we smelled in your bedroom?" Leave it to Rosalie to cut straight to the heart of the issue without regard for decorum or tact. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Wow, Rosalie, I've missed you too. I'm so glad to hear that you've been doing well." I grinned at her. This caused uncomfortable laughter around the room.
"I think we have a right to know. We've been grieving Bella. My brother has been grieving for three years. Edward would have come back for you long ago and we wouldn't have had to chaperone him constantly if we hadn't thought you were dead, and I for one would like to know what happened." Rosalie's temper heated up and boiled over in no time.
"Listen, I'm not going to tell anyone the story unless Edward is ready to hear it. There's just too much risk of him finding out if I tell the rest of you. So, I'm waiting for him to give the word before I do. Is that okay with you Rose, or am I not allowed to protect him from more heartache?" That started calm but by the end I was yelling at her. I really had changed; years ago I would never have even thought to stand up to Rosalie Hale. Her eyes widened with shock, and Rosalie opened her mouth.
"Rose, if you can't be polite, you're going to have to leave." Esme gently stopped the argument. "I agree with Bella that it's best to wait until Edward is ready if things are potentially worse than we had assumed."
I looked down at my hands and studied the crescent shaped scar for a moment. My knee started to feel a bit strained from sitting with my legs folded so I straightened it out. It was Jasper who noticed my physical discomfort, and indicated for me to mover to the corner of the couch near Alice. It would place me on the opposite end from Edward. I pulled myself off of the floor and moved. Edward's eyes met mine; he seemed to be pondering something.
"Edward, if you're not ready, then we don't have to do this tonight." I attempted to reassure him as best I could. We all waited for his answer. Was Edward Cullen ready for the truth?