"The driving drops advanced their gears
To camouflage my sneaking tears -
Whence now did swell such floods of pain
To see me melt into this rain…"
(on "Rain") –Mark R. Slaughter
Disclaimer: If I were Atlus, Hamuko will be able to "embrace her desires" in that love shack.
PERSONA 3: MEMOIRS OF AN EMPEROR
CHAPTER 4: FAMILY
"H-Hidetoshi-kun!" the haggard face of a middle-aged man lit up with surprise, widening into a warm smile which I did not return. They say that prison food is bad, which wasn't hard to believe because he seemed to become more emaciated each time I dropped by.
"I didn't come here because I wanted to see you; I came because I just happened to walk past this place." My cold words did nothing to change the joyful expression on my father's face. He stared hungrily at me through the shatterproof glass that separated us, absorbing every detail of his son which he had not seen for the past six months.
"You've grown skinnier since the last time I saw you. Have you been eating well at school?" my father accused.
"There's no need for you to worry, thank you very much." I snapped.
"How are your mother and Suzume-chan?"
I sighed. "Doing okay, I guess."
"And what about you? How have you been doing so far in school, Hidetoshi-kun?"
"Perfectly fine. Does it look like I have a choice not to? Since I'm on a school scholarship which I can't afford to get kicked out from because somebody is sitting in jail?" I raised my voice angrily.
My father stared guiltily at the floor. "I'm so sorry, Hidetoshi-kun, for leaving you and your mother alone while I rot away in prison…"
"Does saying 'sorry' help?" I retorted, even though I knew full well that he did not commit the crime that had landed him three years behind bars. Two years ago, while my father was gathering information as a scriptwriter for a story, a TV anchorwoman was injured on the job. Though the executives in the TV station which my father worked for initially claimed that it was an "unfortunate accident", a magazine eventually learned that they were hiding something from public eye. In defense, they pushed the blame onto my father, accusing him of concealing the truth, turning him into a scapegoat. 'Perjury'; that wretched word was called. He was accused of perjury by the same men whom he had diligently submitted his articles for.
"So what if you did not commit the crime? You were soft. You were weak, and that's why they used you. It was because of your weakness, your naivety, that we have ended up in this state. 'Sorry', you say…" I laughed bitterly. "What help does saying sorry do now?"
"I am not proud of who I am, Hidetoshi-kun. But regardless, I still stand by my principles." my father asserted determinedly while his eyes unswervingly met mine.
"What good do principles do if the executives in your company don't abide by your lofty intentions?" I spited back. Before he could defend himself, I added devastatingly,
"I am not proud of who you are too, father."
Those ugly words must have resonated painfully in the prisoner's mind, for his dull gray eyes moistened and he looked away. I felt a strong stab of guilt as I did not mean to say those words, but I did nothing to retract them; instead, I stared at him haughtily before he replied.
"I know."
Damn it, why did he have to admit it like that! I bit my lip in an effort to quell the tears that threatened to betray the indifference that I had worked so hard to show. With some effort I succeeded in doing so. Turning his face back towards me, he smiled.
"But I am proud of you, my son."
Now that did it. Like a bullet, his words shattered through the brick wall that I had thought was secure enough to close my heart to the world. "Damn him," I cursed to myself as I was forced to look down to hide my glistening eyes. In our battle of wills, my father had won the first round.
"Whose handkerchief is that, Hidetoshi? Is that from your girlfriend?" my father inquired as he caught sight of Hamuko's handkerchief which I still held in my hand for… some reason. He who was victorious graciously extends his hand to help the loser onto his feet, huh? I grabbed that chance to recover with a rejoinder.
"It's nothing like that." I looked up and snapped.
"Well, that's a pity, isn't it? But let me tell you one thing, my son. I know that it's my fault that you always try to keep your emotions to yourself, but know that for some things in life, you cannot keep denying your feelings forever." My father smiled sympathetically at me. "Love is one of them."
"Save me the lectures, old man." I snarled.
Ignoring my statement, he continued, "Lead your life with your head, but never forget what your heart tells you. Though you can say that I have condemned myself to prison because I was too naïve to accept the cruelty of this world, I face my conscience with my head held high because my soul tells me that I have done nothing wrong. It only breaks my heart because my wife and child have to bear the costs of my values."
"Unfortunately, I do not share your conscience, father." I retorted. "You lost your chance to make it up to your wife and your child when you got us into this mess." For a moment we stared at each other awkwardly in silence. He raised his hand towards me, as if wanting to reach out to touch my face, to reassure me, but all that his bony fingers made contact with was the cold hard surface of the glass window. My fingers twitched momentarily, but I just continued staring insolently ahead. A warden tapped me from behind.
"I'm sorry, sir, but your time is up. Please head along the corridor and exit through the stairs on your right." I saw the jailor on the other side of the shatterproof glass beginning to pull my father away from the visitor window. In those few minutes that had transpired we had been so close to each other, and yet so far, divided physically and emotionally by the glass barrier that had stood before us.
"Goodbye, my son," my father said sorrowfully as he was dragged back into the cold iron gates that led to the prisoners' cells. Wordlessly, I swept past the warden and exited the room without looking back.
"Goodbye, father," I whispered to myself outside the prison gates. The cumulonimbuses were beginning to build up in the sky, blotting out the merry rays of the sunshine. Already I could smell the saturation of moisture in the air.
"…Lead your life with your head, but never forget what your heart tells you…"
What does my conscience tell me. . .
. . . Hamuko-chan?
"Mum, Suzume-san, I'm home!" I called from the door outside our home. A beautiful young maiden, roughly 20 years of age, peered from behind the door.
"Oh it's you, Hidetoshi-kun. Come in, come in! Your mother's at the dinner table, dinner will be ready in 5 minutes!" Suzume beckoned. In an instant, a furry, golden-brown missile shot into me, nearly throwing me off my feet.
"Aw stop it, Toshikazu, geroff me!" I complained while our golden retriever ran around in circles barking happily. With some difficulty, I fought off the enthusiastic animal, brushed its fur off my school blazer, and walked towards the dining room.
"Welcome home, Hidetoshi-kun." The woman at the dining table smiled while her unfocused eyes stared vacantly at the wall ahead of her, oblivious at her son's actual direction. She was blind; cataracts had formed over her pupils as the result of ocular trauma two years ago. Just two weeks before my father was accused of perjury, my mother became a victim of another one of Japan's violent mugging incidents near the market. The two bastards threatened my mother with a club if she did not hand out the money from her purse. Sensing that robbery was not their only intention, she extracted the pepper spray she hid in her bag and used it on one of the robbers before attempting to escape. In anger, the club swung forth, catching my mother between the eyes, knocking her out. Thankfully, a passerby witnessed the event and shouted for help, but the damage was done. Chances of recovery of sight were slim.
She was the reason why I despised my father so much, for leaving us without any source of income while I had to take care of my mother and our rental and tuition fees alone. Fortunately, we still had Suzume, a kindred soul from a wealthy family who took pity on my mother's plight. She was the one who had saved my mother during the robbery and brought her to the hospital. Despite the protests of her family, she had been helping out in our family for two years, arriving early in the morning and leaving only at ten in the night. "Seeing a stranger smile through my efforts gratifies me, reminding me of the simple ordinary things in life that make me so blessed," she had always said. I loved her, and yet I loathed her, because she did not have to earn a living for herself; instead spending time to help others to fulfill that special place in that warm heart of hers. Sometimes I hated her for taking pity on us. I did not need pity. I needed money. I needed power; the power to change the world.
…Lead your life with your head, but never forget what your heart tells you…
I looked down at my trousers and saw the tiny speck of pink protruding out of my left pocket.
Sigh…
"M-Mum, I would like to ask you something." I swallowed painfully.
"Yes, Hidetoshi-kun? What's on your mind?" my mother said as Suzume laid the dishes on top of the table.
"My school offered me a… a job program that requires me to s-stay at the campus hostel every night. It… pays well, and I believe that it can help me improve my skills and uh…prepare me for the future." I stammered.
She did not ask many questions, save one. "Do you want to take it up, Hidetoshi-kun?"
"Well uh… yes. Very much so, I guess." I replied.
"Are you sure? You don't seem too confident, Hidetoshi-kun. Is there something else in your mind?" my mother asked. She was blind, but somehow I had that nagging feeling that her hollow eyes could penetrate the deepest, darkest corner of my soul. I sighed.
"I-I'm just worried about you, mother. How would you manage if I'm not around?" I admitted, my voice almost cracking from the emotion I shared with the lady sitting in front of me.
"You don't have to worry about me, Hidetoshi-kun. No mother in this world would want anything but the best for their children. I am no exception. How do you think I'd feel if I thought that my disability was preventing my only child from embracing his future?" she said with a sad smile on lips. Her left hand searched for mine on the surface of the table, and I extended them, clasping it between both my hands. Gently, she squeezed my fingers with affection; her hand was slightly wrinkled; smooth from the lack of housework after her blindness. It was warm.
"Me and your father; we're truly sorry that you have to struggle so hard through life because of the misfortunes that have befallen the both of us. From what I can understand, this school program of yours would need you to be away from home for a long time, is that correct? But as long as it is something my son wants, I do not want to encumber you from making your own decisions. I have already failed as a mother in many aspects. Let me do something to make it up for you, okay?"
In that moment of time, I was thankful that she was blind; I didn't want her to see the tears cascading down my eyes.
"Don't cry, Hidetoshi-kun," my mother murmured softly, even though she couldn't see me doing so. "I still have dear Suzume-chan and Toshikazu-kun with me here, no?" The young lady whom I had loved as a sister turned around and nodded in acquiescence.
"I'll take care of your mother, Hidetoshi-kun. Just concentrate on your school, alright?" Suzume smiled. As if reading my mind, Toshikazu came beside me and licked my hand in a gesture of affection.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded. We spent the rest of dinner talking about life and school. I did not tell them that I had met my father.
It was 7pm at night. The last rays of the dying sun had all but disappeared behind the dark clouds that lumbered ominously in the sky. A swell of wind whipped across my face, a symptom of the looming thunderstorm that was about to fall. I started breaking into a run, with my belongings weighing heavily on my shoulders. I did not want to get caught in the rain.
I'll join SEES on a condition, Mitsuru-senpai. I'm going to get some payment for my services. Shouldn't be too difficult for your family, isn't it? It'd better be good, considering the risks that come with it. I can't lose my life while my mother is blind and my father is still behind bars. That or it's a no go for me, senpai.
The first scattered drops were already falling fast and thin onto the earth. Suddenly, my cellphone rang.
"H…Hello…this is…Hidetoshi…speaking." I panted, drawing in quick gasps of air after the exertions of my run.
"I'm calling from the Kangoku Prison. May you be the acquaintance of Hiroshi Odagiri who visited the prison just now?"
"Yes- yes that'll be me. I'm his son…"
"Oh…I see. I'm really, really sorry to tell you this, sir, but your father has just been afflicted with the Apathy Syndrome…"
. . .
Did you just say Apathy...
...Syndrome?
. . .
"…hello? Hello…are you still there? Sir? Hello…?"
It was raining heavily. The loud pattering of the raindrops could be heard on the roof of the Iwatodai dormitory. A fork of lightning flashed menacingly outside the Iwatodai dorm window, followed by a mighty boom of thunder. Several people were watching the television in the lounge.
"…back to today's report. Police are still examining what has been suspected as a bomb attack in the Iwatodai Strip Mall. Investigations have revealed that there were two people who have been injured, but thankfully there have been no fatalities. I shall hand the mike to our field reporter, Miyuki Ay-"
"Bomb attack? Are you serious!-?" a teenager with a blue cap exclaimed incredulously.
"Watch." The slightly older redheaded girl pointed at the screen.
"...this is Miyuki Ayase speaking. Currently I have Officer Kurosawa, a member of the Investigations Department, with me. Officer, what happened to the Iwatodai Strip Mall yesterday?"
The gruff-looking officer spoke into the microphone that was earnestly shoved in front of his face. He cleared his throat. "Ahem. According to our investigations…"
Junpei gaped as the camera panned from the officer towards the debris in front of the mall, which had seemed to have had... a few changes...
"WHAT? You're kidding me, right? The mall didn't look like this yesterday!"
"Well, we added some… effects to simulate a bombing incident." Mitsuru casually replied.
"…it is believed that the man behind the bombing was none other than lone terrorist Kag-"
"No friggin' way, Mitsuru-senpai! Do they seriously expect people to buy that? What about those who had been near the mall right after the Dark Hour ended?" Junpei argued.
"Sometimes, during earthquakes, people notice the tremors on the ground, but don't realize that it is happening until someone reports that in the news." Mitsuru explained.
"But still! You can't expect everyone to just-"
"Everything has been settled." Mitsuru concluded coolly.
"But-"
"Trust me. Everything has been settled." Mitsuru repeated with a sly grin. Junpei just leaned his head further back into the headrest of the sofa in exasperation, muttering incoherently.
"Next up in the news: Popular teen idol "Risette" Kujikawa has taken the stage with yet another single in her new…."
THUD. THUD. THUD.
"Who's that?" Mitsuru said sharply when she heard someone banging against the door.
"Huh? Didn't Ikutsuki-san say he would be coming tomorrow and not today?" the ten-year old boy with sandy brown hair quipped inquisitively.
Yukari rose up from her seat. "I'll get the door." she volunteered.
Creak.
Yukari gasped, cupping her hands over her mouth. "O-Odagiri-san!"
"Woof... woof?" Koromaru barked in surprise.
"H-Hidetoshi-san! Why are you drenched in the rain? Quick come in!" Fuuka cried while walking down the stairway. Ignoring their pleas, the wretched man just stood there with his head bowed while fat droplets of rain splashed loudly onto his saturated uniform. The wind was so strong that some of the raindrops had already begun to patter onto the brown carpet, seeping onto the marble floor. He was crying, but he hid his tears behind the numerous tiny rivulets of water trickling down his face from the rain.
…Lead your life with your head, but never forget what your heart tells you…
"Mitsuru...senpai," I croaked to the red-haired girl sitting on the nearest couch. She looked up.
"Yes, Odagiri?"
"I... want to join the SEES."
END OF CHAPTER 4
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
So here are the two new chapters; I tried to come up with a more compelling reason for Hidetoshi to join the SEES, because even though he fancies Hamuko, his beliefs still conflict with the noble "save-the-world" innocence which she has. I mean, he's like at stage 4 of his S-link with her so he doesn't have that "sincerity" understanding thing going on... yet. So here's the reason, and it's quite a sad one in fact. :(
As you probably have noticed, this chapter is entirely Hidetoshi-centric. I apologize if some parts in this chapter and the previous one were really lengthy, but I felt that Hidetoshi's ambitions and beliefs just had to be explained more thoroughly. I did this chapter in a rush, because I have something else to do later. Maybe my description of his parents' thoughts sound quite childish, because personally I'm not a parent yet, so I do not have a "feel" of what they would have said and done. Oh well. I won't be writing for some time because my break is ending soon and I won't return home apart from weekends, but I hope you all could drop me some reviews on your thoughts and what I can improve on when I start my next chapter.
neko-neko-aishizu That's actually something which I have been hoping to write about for a looong long time. It'll have to wait though, until I get more chapters up. Shinjiro hasn't even joined the SEES yet (and I'm positively dying to make them meet each other). And we can't have Hidetoshi jumping Hamuko when she's still in hospital, can we? ;) But I have some… ideas… (/evillaugh) Poor Hidetoshi…
everyone else Thanks for all the positive reviews so far :D
TRIVIA:
"Kangoku" is actually "prison" in Jap, so technically, Kangoku Prison means "Prison prison". Ah screw it, I can't think of anything else to name it after.