Chapter 3

He woke slowly. Not knowing for a moment when or where he was. Dead or alive.

The only thing he was aware of, funnily enough, was an absence. Pain's absence. The blinding white agony that had been there was gone. Dead then.

The next thing was that he was lying on something soft and could hear a faint beeping. That was slightly more unusual and made him reassess that first conclusion.

He decided then that it was probably best to look round. Peeling back sandpaper eyelids, Qui-Gon blinked away the cloudy film over his eyes and came face to face with a familiar ceiling.

The med bay's ceiling. A soft pillow supported his head.

Alive then. They had made it.

Bringing himself to full consciousness, Qui-Gon very gently tested his right arm and found it willing to obey his demands. Bringing his hand up, he rubbed his forehead, trying to deduce how much time had passed. He gave up rather quickly when his brain protested by pounding loudly against his skull.

Sighing he dropped his hand back to his side. The answer's would come in—

Qui-Gon jolted as his fingers brushed against a wealth of soft hair. His eyes flew down the length of the blankets. Shock rippled through him when he saw that Obi-Wan was seated close beside him, he had pitched forward and his was head resting peacefully on the bed, fast asleep.

Qui-Gon blinked, more than a little disconcerted. He was a man who prided himself on being aware of every intrusion the second he woke. And yet here was the boy, sleeping right beside his elbow and he had not even known he was there until he'd dropped a hand on him.

That's because he's not an intrusion, a voice deep within whispered. He's meant to be there.

A riot of conflicting emotions rushed through Qui-Gon at the disturbing thought. Fear, denial. Confusion. For a while he was at a loss.

The only thing he knew was that his desire to keep the boy far away was gone. And that knowledge shocked him most of all.

Of its own accord his hand lifted to brush gently at the sleeping cheek.

He snatched it away quickly when the door to his room swished open. Clat'Ha strode in, a grin lighting her face when she saw him attempt to sit up.

"So you're awake," she said as she came to his bedside. "You had us worried for a while there."

Qui-Gon nodded, not relishing the weakness he felt. He was glad to see that the fiery young woman was alive and well. Settling back against his pillows, he gritted his teeth as the movement pulled at the bandages protecting his healing shoulder. He could smell the familiar scent of bacta healing gel.

The grimace was not lost on Clat'Ha whose expression became concerned. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Qui-Gon replied. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"It's hard to say," the woman said, "you were already unconscious when the medics finally found you down by the air lock. But you've been in the sick bay for about ten hours now. It was touch and go there for a while. I'm glad to see you back with us."

Qui-Gon nodded his thanks for her concern. Ten hours…

He glanced down at the sleeping Obi-Wan again, noticing for the first time the lines of exhaustion etched into his young face.

Clat'Ha followed his gaze and her expression softened. "He hasn't left your side the whole time. After he piloted us to safety he came down here to the sickbay offering his help. He was barely standing on his own feet by that time but once he discovered that you hadn't shown up among the survivors, he would not rest until he'd found you. I don't think you'd be sitting there now if it wasn't for him, Qui-Gon. You're very lucky to have such a companion."

Qui-Gon smiled humourlessly. Lucky. "I don't deserve his loyalty."

"No, you don't," Clat'Ha said bluntly, sweeping her red hair back from her brow and looking meaningfully into Qui-Gon's eyes. "Not after the way you spoke to him before the battle."

Qui-Gon gave her a pained look, not needing the reminder. But Clat'Ha's accusing stare didn't relent.

"Now, I don't know what it is you've got against the lad," she continued steadily. "And quite frankly it is none of my business, but he deserves to be treated better than that, Qui-Gon. He cares for you. Though the reason is lost on me. He really does."

Qui-Gon's gaze rested on the sleeping boy. "I know," he whispered.

The quiet confession seemed to please Clat'Ha. "Good, at least you have some sense," she smiled. "Well now that I've seen you're alright, I need to return to my workers, I fully expect Jemba to start making trouble after all this confusion." The young woman snorted and turned for the door. She cast a last glance at Obi-Wan. "I expect he'll be waking up soon. Please, try to be more gentle with him." With that she disappeared.

Qui-Gon was left alone as silence descended once more, but the words of the conversation lingered long after Clat'Ha's fiery presence had faded from the room.

He cares for you…

I know.

And he did. Though how he had earned such a gift he could not guess.

Carefully he reached out and caressed the boy's hair, carding his fingers wonderingly through the short auburn locks. He did not intend to wake him but, true to Clat'Ha's prediction, Obi-Wan stirred beneath the contact, murmuring something unintelligible in his sleep before slowly pulling himself from the much needed rest. He was a light sleeper.

"Qui-Gon?"

Qui-Gon kept his hand on the boy's hair, grounding him to the moment. "I'm here."

The boy's blue-green eyes blinked open. He took a moment to make sense of the angle from which he was seeing then sat blot upright in his chair, clearly embarrassed at having fallen asleep half sprawled across Qui-Gon's bed. "I'm sorry, Master Jinn," he said hastily.

"It's alright, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, cringing at the conscious return to his formal title. "You were exhausted. I'm sorry to have woken you." And he was, it hadn't yet been two days since the boy had been recovering from a brutal attack. He needed to rest.

Obi-Wan shook his head slightly, waving off the apology. "I'm fine."

Silence. Uncomfortable.

Obi-Wan fiddled for a moment with his fingers before venturing, "How's your shoulder?"

Qui-Gon tested it. "Acceptable. I'll have to build it up gradually, but don't think there will be any lasting damage." He attempted a smile but Obi-Wan did not return it. Instead the young head bowed hiding suddenly haunted eyes.

Qui-Gon frowned. "What's wrong?"

Obi-Wan swallowed visibly and there was a long pause before: "The medics didn't think you would survive." This was murmured so quietly that Qui-Gon had to strain to hear. "The blood loss was so great… Then they told me you were also suffering from oxygen deprivation." The boy's eye's flew up to meet his and Qui-Gon was shocked to see them filled with guilt and unshed tears. "It's my fault, Master," he said. "I engaged the ship's engines when the pirates were still docked. I nearly pulled the ship apart. It was stupid and reckless, and-"

Qui-Gon held up a hand putting a stop to the self recrimination. "And you saved us all, Obi-Wan," he said. "We escaped. Did we not?"

"But I nearly killed you."

The underlying tremble in those words was somehow touching. Qui-Gon gave a wan smile.

"Obi-Wan," he called the boy's attention back to him gently. "If you hadn't pulled the ship away when you did a part of me would very likely be decorating a pirate's belt right now. Do not focus too much on what might have been. I am alive and my scalp, thanks to you, is still in it's preferred place."

That finally twitched a smile out of the boy and he nodded solemnly before reaching up to rub at tired eyes. It was then Qui-Gon noticed that his hands were heavily bandaged. He frowned. "What happened to your hands?"

"Oh," Obi-Wan looked at them as if only just noticing himself. "The bridge was on fire when Si Treemba and I got there. I burnt my hands trying to open the doors." The boy lowered them back to his lap. "The bacta's almost healed them now. The medics tried to get me to go back to my quarters-threatened me, in fact-but I couldn't…" he trailed off, clearly unsure if admitting his need to stay by Qui-Gon's side would be met with more hard feelings.

Qui-Gon sighed and clasped the boy's shoulder briefly to reassure him. He drew a deep breath. "Obi-Wan, I am sorry for how I spoke to you before. It was wrong of me and you did not deserve it. I was taking out on you something that was never your fault and-"

He stopped as Obi-Wan's eyes met his. That blue-green gaze was so full of understanding and forgiveness that Qui-Gon let the rest of his words fall silent on his lips. The boy had seen into his mind now. He knew.

"Xanatos hurt you a lot didn't he?"

Qui-Gon swallowed, "Yes."

Obi-Wan looked at him. "I would never hurt you like that."

Qui-Gon felt his heart contract and he closed his eyes against the painfully sincere gaze. He wanted so much to believe in that moment. He shook his head slightly.

When he reopened his eyes he saw that Obi-Wan was still studying him, but hurt now floated beneath the surface of his gaze. The boy was taking Qui-Gon's silence as a further rejection.

Something burned in Qui-Gon's chest where his heart should have been. Raging at his inability to move on. But he had no idea where to start. The pain would not leave. He was lost.

To his relief the heavy silence was broken by the bleeping of Obi-Wan's comlink. The boy flinched slightly at the unexpected intrusion before picking it up. He flipped a switch so that Qui-Gon could also hear what was said. He appreciated the gesture.

"Obi-Wan?" Clat'Ha's voice filled the room.

"Here," Obi-Wan answered.

"Obi-Wan we need you up on the bridge right away," The young woman's voice was fairly vibrating with renewed urgency. "Si Treemba is up there. He says that part of the hull has failed and we're leaking atmosphere. The pilot and the co-pilot are still unconscious in the sick bay. He doesn't know what to do." The young woman's voice was tense.

Qui-Gon pulled the comlink to him. "Obi-Wan will be there shortly, Clat'Ha," he spoke reassuringly. "Don't panic. Try to keep everyone calm."

The steadiness of his voice seemed to ease her a bit, though her own was still tight when she answered, "Will do," and cut off the connection.

Qui-Gon turned to Obi-Wan. "You need to go up there and see what you can do," he said. "If you can't repair the damage then you'll have to find us a suitable place on which to land. You're the only one who can pilot this ship now."

Obi-Wan looked stunned for a moment. A flash of uncertainty passed over his face as the weight of every life onboard ship was suddenly settled upon his young shoulders. But as Qui-Gon watched with growing admiration, the boy straightened in his seat and rose to the challenge. Lifting the responsibility placed upon him with quiet strength.

He met Qui-Gon's eyes firmly. "I won't let you down," he said.

Qui-Gon smiled slightly. "I know."

Obi-Wan flushed with pleasure at those simple words of trust. Quickly he hurried for the door.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon's voice called him round on the threshold.

The boy turned, hope flickering across his face.

"Thank you."

The look vanished, though the disappointment was quickly masked. "You're welcome, Master Jinn," the boy said and disappeared.

Qui-Gon sighed and watched him go. The look on the boy's face had not been lost on him. He was still searching for that which Qui-Gon could never give, even if he wished it.

What's the matter, his inner voice taunted. The boy saved you. You should be able to trust him.

I do! Qui-Gon insisted. I trust Obi-Wan with my life. Of that he had no doubt.

So, the voice took on a mocking tone. You would trust him with your life, but not your heart.

Qui-Gon fell silent, unable to contest the point. It was not Obi-Wan's fault. The problem was with him and the void living inside him. Qui-Gon lay back with a long sigh, valiantly trying to sort through all his confused and conflicting emotions as the sight of Obi-Wan's disappointed face lingered on in his mind's eye.

(*)*(*)*(*)

Just have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again,

I know you wanna be my salvation.

The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong.

Believe me, I'm trying to move on,

It's complicated but understand me.