Today's date was engrained into Spike's brain and not for a good reason. Four years ago today Lou died and unfortunately for Spike during his shift there was a bomb call. On their way to the bomb it had gone off and they learned of a second bomb, while Spike was defusing it word came in of a third bomb. He paused for a moment and all the horrifying memories came flooding back.

"Spike" Spike jumped at the sound of Ed's voice in his ear.

"Y-Yeah Ed?" stammered Spike as he pushed the memories to the back of his mind.

"What do you want to do about the second bomb? I can send Leah-"

"NO!" yelled Spike into his headset.

"Spike-" tried Ed,

"No Ed. No one goes near that bomb but me. Got it?"

"But Spike it's got twenty minutes left!"

"And I'm done here" Spike said as he cut the wire "Ed listen to me. No one is going to go near that bomb ok?"

"Spike sending Leah out there isn't going to end the same way it did with Lou-"

"Not thinking about that"

"Are you sure Spike?"

"Ed right now isn't the time. Just don't let anyone go near it ok?"

"You got it Spike" sighed Ed.

Spike breathed a sigh of relief when he cut the wire on the third bomb. As he walked away with the bomb to dispose of it his breathing hitched when he thought of doing the same thing four years ago it was the last time he saw Lou. After disposing of the bomb Spike walked back towards his team and he heard the last words Lou had ever said.

"It's gonna be ok"

"No it's not" Spike murmured, he hadn't realized he said it out loud until Ed asked,

"What did you say Spike?"

"N-N-Nothing"

Ed just stared at him and Spike looked at the floor as he said "are we all set to head back to the barn?"

"Yeah, come on" replied Ed.

Spike walked towards the dispatcher's desk, his hands were slightly shaking and he just needed to see Winnie, she was the one thing that had seemed to go right since Lou had said those last words.

She looked up at him and over the desk grasped his hand, she felt the tremors and asked "you ok?"

"Fine" replied Spike as he plastered a smile on his face. One look at Winnie and he knew she had seen through it.

Pete came up behind Winnie and Winnie waved goodnight to him as she headed to the women's locker room to get changed, she continued to hold Spike's hand until she reached the door to the locker room.

Spike came out of the locker room at the exact time as Winnie, if it was any other day and he would have laughed. Just not today. This worried Winnie because she knew him so well she knew he would have laughed about it. She took his hand and guided him out of the building and towards their car, without a word Winnie gently pushed Spike towards the passenger door and got in the driver's seat. Spike leaned over and turned the radio on, as the song came through the speakers Spike froze and his eyes widened. Winnie knew why, the song playing was Lou's favourite song; he used to go around either singing it or humming it as he walked around the SRU. Spike hastily turned the radio off and slumped down in his seat.

Winnie pulled up on their drive and as they walked up to the front door Winnie asked "what would you like for dinner?"

"Not hungry" came the murmured response. "I'm gonna go to bed" and with that Spike walked upstairs and all Winnie could do was watch as Spike had to more or less drag himself upstairs.

It was only half eight in the evening and Winnie made herself some pasta and a sandwich for Spike in case he got hungry. She smiled to herself remembering Spike making her one when she was ill. She then busied herself cleaning the downstairs of the house. All this took an hour and she then went upstairs. When she entered the bedroom she almost burst into tears, Spike was tossing and turning, his forehead glistening with sweat and muttering "I'm sorry… Lou don't!... Lou!" Spike's eyes snapped open. He was trembling as he sat up. He didn't seem to know Winnie was in the doorway of their bedroom and he went to place a hand on her to reassure himself she was still here but when he faced her side of the bed she wasn't there. Spike gasped as he looked around the room "Winnie?!"

Winnie moved forward "it's ok Spike I'm here" she soothed as she sat on the bed next to him.

Spike pulled her in for a tight hug and he murmured to himself although Winnie was able to hear him. "I thought I had lost you as well"

"No you haven't"

"I loose everyone I care about" choked Spike,

"But you're not going to lose me" Winnie comforted as she gently ran her fingers through his hair.

Twenty minutes later they were both asleep again but Spike's sleep didn't stay undisturbed. His dreams were plagued by the events from four years ago mixed with his own fears from the present.

The same as what happened four years ago Spike walked away to dispose of the bomb, and as he walked towards the team he heard Lou telling him it was going to be okay. He then heard Winnie's voice through the headset.

"Spike I know how to save Lou!" she cried.

Spike turned to see Winnie running towards Lou.

"Winnie stop! He's going to step off the landmine!" Spike yelled, he tried to stop her but an invisible force held him back.

"WINNIE!"

BOOM. Lou had stepped off the landmine. Spike watched as Lou's body was flung to the side and watched as Winnie was tossed backwards from the blast and heard her head whack against the concrete ground.

Spike ran, he knew Lou was gone, but maybe Winnie was ok. He skidded to a stop next to Winnie, and checked for a pulse it was there. But weak.

"Winnie? Can you hear me?"

"Spike" groaned Winnie; she looked up at him, her breathing hitching and becoming shallow. "Spike I'm sorry, I should have listened-"

"No shh you have nothing to be sorry for"

"I love you"

"I love you to, but stay with me Winnie" Winnie's eyes began to flutter shut, "no Winnie please don't leave me"

"Spike I'm not leaving"

But Winnie's eyes closed and she was no longer breathing. "Winnie!" cried Spike.

"It's ok Spike"

"No it's not! It's never going to be ok!" he sobbed as he held Winnie close.

"Spike wake up!"

For the second time Spike's eyes snapped opened for him to find himself in his and Winnie's bedroom. Winnie was leaning over him while shaking his arm.

"Winnie?" choked Spike,

"I'm right here, it was just a bad dream"

Spike sat up and hugged Winnie tightly and tried to keep his tears at bay, but Winnie's soothing caused a few tears to escape and soon he was sobbing onto Winnie's shoulder.

"It shouldn't have been him" sobbed Spike,

"Who Spike?" asked Winnie as she brushed away his tears with her thumb.

"Lou, I'm the bomb tech I should have made sure no one went to that bomb like I did today"

"Spike it could have been you then"

"I know, but Lou-"

"Don't Spike. You told me when Kyle died that there is nothing down that road, right?"

Spike nodded looking at Winnie and counting his lucky stars that she hadn't run off at the hint of his emotional baggage.

"Spike I wouldn't do that" Spike realized he had voiced those thoughts and squeezed Winnie's hand.

"Spike everyone has their emotional baggage yours is just more than what some others carry and you shouldn't be sorry for doing your job"

"When did you get so wise?" asked Spike trying to make a joke to keep his mind off what had been plaguing his dreams.

"After my mom told me something similar after what happened to Jane"

"Who's Jane?" asked Spike,

"My best friend from High School. When we were 16 we were walking home from school and crossing the street when a car came out of nowhere. I was later told the driver was drunk. But they hit Jane and I, well I was only thrown to the side and got away with a broken wrist, but Jane… she was killed. For months afterwards I blamed myself thinking I could have done something".

"No you couldn't have" said Spike softly,

"That's exactly what my mom kept telling me and then I understood she was right. It's different situations Spike, but it's really the same thing. There's nothing you could have done, you were all doing your jobs"

Spike nodded understanding what Winnie was saying and for the first time in four years he felt a little less guilty about what had happened.

"Thank you Winnie" said Spike as he kissed Winnie.

"Nothing to thank me for" she replied snuggling down next to him. For the rest of the night Spike's sleep wasn't plagued by the horrifying memories of four years before and he had Winnie to thank for it.