Ezra sat quietly in the lounge chair near the patio doors. He watched as Vin, Buck and JD took on some busy work, helping with yard cleanup and such. Chris and Nathan had headed into town to get an update on what was happening on the case, and hopefully by Ezra another day before he had to speak with Detective Shelton. They hadn't hold him that – he was told it was a supply run. But he wasn't stupid.
Feeling eyes on him, Ezra spoke without turning. "So, you here as my confessor, my counsellor, my co-worker or my friend?"
Josiah pushed himself off the door-frame he'd been resting on. "Bit of all that I guess. Mostly friend."
"How fortunate, as I truly do not consider myself prepared to converse with the initial two, and have not prepared myself for dialogue with the third either."
"One step forward, one step back. That's not going to get you anywhere Ezra."
"I fail to comprehend the reference."
"You stopped calling us all Mister, which means you accept we are still your friends, but you've put the other barriers back up."
"I still can not discern your intent."
"Comprehend? Dialogue? Discern? Converse? You've gone back to your ten dollar words Ezra. Yesterday it would have been 'understand' and 'talk' – today you're hiding behind syllables."
"Yesterday I was scarcely capable of enunciating the words 'cat' or 'dog'. Today I have reverted to my true nature, and my vocabulary reflects that, as it has always done.
"Yesterday you were reaching out for help support. Today you are the independent, self-reliant, and overly private Ezra Standish again."
"I was unaware that those character traits were interpreted as flaws. I had been raised to see them as goals to strive toward."
"You had been raised to see them as survival techniques. That's why you go back to them when you're in trouble."
"And you perceive me to be in trouble now?"
"Deeply."
"I believe I offered by assurances that there would be no repeat of yesterdays' – aberration. Do you not trust me to hold to that promise?"
"Not just a matter of trust Ezra. I'd trust you with my life. Done so more times than I can count. Just not entirely sure I can trust you with your own right now." Before the younger man could respond, Josiah held up a hand. "I don't think you still want to hurt yourself, certainly not on purpose. Not entirely sure you ever really did. But I don't think you're in a place you can take proper care of yourself either. I don't mean fixing meals and such. I mean look after what you need. Make the right decisions. I'm scared you're going to leap before looking, and I don't look forward to the consequences."
"This sounds much more like the counsellor than it does the friend Josiah."
"You sayin' I can't be both?"
"I'm saying I can trust my friend. My counsellor would need to report my mental health to my superior's if he deems it a detriment to my ongoing service with the ATF."
"Got news for – your friend would do that too. If it means keeping you safe."
"All of us would." Ezra flinched, startled by the sound of Vin's voice. Neither man had heard him arrive. "Might piss you off, might make you leave. Might mean you never spoke to us again. If it keeps you alive, that'd have to be the price we pay. Nothing's more important Ezra. Nothing."
Ezra sat quietly for a moment, regrouping and rethinking all that had been said. He finally stood, poker face firmly in place. "Good to know where things stand. I believe I shall take a walk – alone if you don't mind." Vin reached out as he passed, but Ezra sidestepped the gesture and left the house without looking back.
"We blow it?" he asked Josiah.
"Maybe, but it had to be said. I meant it when I said I don't think he'd hurt himself on purpose, but that still leaves a lot of room for the subconscious to mess with him."
"That sounds bad. Should we be following him?"
"No – he needs to know we trust him, and I doubt he'd accept any explanation we could give him. Now is the time for a bit of faith – and a lot of prayer."
Ezra hadn't returned by the time Chris and Nathan were back a few hours later. Buck was ready to saddle up and go searching, but after discussion it was agreed to give him another hour.
"Besides" Chris added, "I don't really want him here for the update."
"You talk to Detective Shelton?"
"He's a good man – more co-operative than a lot of guys would be in these circumstances. They found 9 bodies in the house. Two adult males, one identified as Henderson – Ezra's contact. The other is unknown. Two adult woman, two female teens and three kids under 10."
"Damn – I was hoping not all the kids would be there. Shouldn't they have been in school?"
"Yeah, but that wasn't their world."
"Chris – didn't Ezra say there was a teen mom with a baby?"
"Yeah, he did JD. No sign of them at the time or since, and no one in the neighbourhood is saying anything. And before anyone asks, there is no reason to suspect the shooters snatched them. There'd be no point."
"Any leads on the shooters?"
"Lots of forensics. Looks like three, maybe four. No IDs yet. Tore through the house like a tornado. In and out in no more than two minutes from what could be pieced together. Henderson got a couple shots off – gun was near his body. No idea if he hit anyone."
"Shelton want to talk to Ezra?"
"Tomorrow if he's up for it. No later than the next day though. He may need help to ID the victims."
"Not the kids Chris. He can't handle that yet." Nathan insisted.
Chris sighed. The two had fought this out in the car on the way back, and obviously it still wasn't settled. "His call."
"No – he'll feel obliged. He's not ready."
"He'll feel worse if he thinks he coulda helped and didn't."
"We'll talk to him tonight. And we'll go with him if he decides to do anything." Vin felt bad Ezra was out there on his own now. He wasn't going to let that happen again.
The afternoon wore on with no sign of Ezra. Finally, Chris surrendered to the will of the team, and they all saddled up to search. "Keep your phones on – Ezra didn't take his with him, but whoever finds him first can let us know. I'll take Chaucer along so he'll have a ride home."
They fanned out, knowing it was likely Vin would be the one to find him. Tracking wasn't all that difficult in this area, and he doubted Ezra was trying to hide his path. Still, the hard, dry soil made the going a little more challenging than he'd expected, and it was close to an hour before he spotted his quarry. Ezra sat near the top of a valley lookout. The scene, approaching sunset, was nothing short of spectacular, although Vin doubted Ezra had even noticed. He called Chris before closing in, trying not to appear like he was sneaking up.
"You needn't concern yourself Vin. I've watched your approach for some time. I assume you have notified the rest of my watchers that I indeed still amoung the living."
"Ain't going to apologize for worrying about you Ezra. You've had a hell of a couple of days."
"Days? Oh my friend, this is much more than a couple of days. I have been calculating the number of deaths I have on my conscience. Did you know I had one – a conscience I mean? I never expected to develop such a useless item."
Not knowing how to answer that, Vin stalled by dismounting. He decided for the moment to just let the man speak.
"Ah – you suspected it existed all along, didn't you? Despite your history, your world of experience, you still manage to find the good in people, even if you have to fabricate it. You sir, have a noble soul.
As I was saying, I have been calculating. The number is truly astonishing to me. Aside from those I remember terminating myself, always of course with the justification it was in self-defence, or the defence of others, there is the – what is the phrase? – collateral damage. Those I failed to get to in time. The young couple in a house blown up by hoods who believed I was in it. The man who was killed in a cross-fire incident. The addicts who OD when I couldn't find their supplier. Or died from withdrawal when I took away their source. And then there was yesterday."
"Don't suppose it would do me any good to try to tell you none of that was your fault?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you take way too much on yourself. I think you never accepted how good a man you are, so you keep finding things wrong to feed your delusion of worthlessness."
"'Delusion of worthlessness'? I believe you have been spending far too much time in my presence Vin. Your language has become positively effusive."
"Make fun all you want Ezra – don't change the fact."
"My apologies. I did not intend to make light of your expression. I am genuinely impressed, even though the sentiment is false."
"Don't think it is."
"There are quite a number of bodies in the morgue to prove you wrong."
"And how many folks are out there walking around safe, happy and healthy cause of the things you done? Or don't they count on your balance sheet?"
"These scales don't work that way. One innocent soul lost can't be balanced out by another."
"Maybe not, but you aren't doing your job if you don't look at all the evidence. Can't use only what supports your claim."
"Oh, but that body of evidence is overwhelming my friend."
"Circumstantial at best. A good lawyer would get most of it thrown out of court."
"A good lawyer? Such as our esteemed colleague DA Lambert?"
"He ain't worth talking about."
"Then what should we discuss Vin? Politics? The weather? Sports?"
"We could talk about why you need to fight us every time we try to help you."
"Do I?"
"On a pretty regular basis. You can't do that this time Ezra. This is to important."
"Ah – in the nick of time, the cavalry arrives. And he has brought a steed for me." Ezra stood slowly. It was obvious he'd been sitting for some time, as his movements were stiff. That, with his fatigue and state of mind made him unsteady on his feet. As he moved to step away from the tree his legs buckled, setting him off balance. Vin leapt for him as he began to topple toward the edge of the ravine, but Ezra straightened himself with minimal assistance.
"I know what you are thinking Vin, and you are wrong."
"I'm thinking we all need to get back to the house, get some dinner and some rest and talk about things tomorrow."
"Ah yes, the mantra of the southerner – Tomorrow is another day."
"Let's make sure of that shall we." He took firm hold of Ezra's arm, walking him toward Chaucer. He was more than surprised when he was met with no resistance.
"Thank you for escorting Chaucer. I'm sure he appreciates the exercise."
"No – he appreciates the rider. Fought with me the whole time till he saw you, then turned into a perfect gentleman. Damn horse."
A small mirthless grin passed over Ezra's face. "Then he is a perfect match for his owner, wouldn't you say?"
"Can't argue that." Chris waved Ezra ahead and paired up with Vin for the silent ride home.
Buck and JD were still brushing down their rides when the trio arrived back at the ranch. Ezra dismounted on entering, leaving Chaucer to pause for a drink and have a few short conversations with his stable-mates before heading to his stall. Buck merely shook his head at the horse's selective discipline.
"I assume," Ezra spoke, "the barn has been thoroughly searched for guns or other implements I should be kept away from." Buck ignored the comment, but the guilt on JDs face was evident. "Don't concern yourself JD. I have been repeatedly informed this is all for my benefit. I don't question for an instant that you all believe that." The grooming process proceeded in an uncomfortable silence. One by one the riders left the room until Ezra was left alone with Chaucer. As he heard the door close he stopped brushing and leaned heavily into his friend.
"I seem to be doing my best to alienate all those I hold dear. You may be my last companion before this over." He was answered by a soft whinny. "Yes, I know I can count on you. I know I can count on them too, so why am I pushing so hard? Perhaps Vin is correct. For some reason, I need to fight them, to fight myself. I just don't feel comfortable around them anymore, my friend. If you can forgive the drama of the statement, I feel unworthy." He made a move to step away, and found himself on the receiving end of a gentle nip from Chaucer. Startled, he turned to look, and swore for just a moment he saw disapproval in the large brown eyes that stared back at him.
"You too – even you challenge me? Perhaps I'll have no friends after all." A brayed response seemed to negate the sentiment. "Yes, I know. None of you will let me go that easily. More's the pity." With a gentle pat, Ezra left the barn. Chaucer watched, slowly and sadly lowering his head.
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tbc