CHAPTER 4 – Set me free

Late spring 2014, one day after (Sunday, morning)

After sleepless night, I was sure that no matter what I would decide to do with my life I had to reach New York as soon as possible. There, in Lima I wasn't able to make any good decisions, especially not one including Brittany. There everything was about her, about our first times, our happiness, our love, our mistakes. Most of these mistakes were mine, actually. So to sort that out, I had to go to New York, but not alone, I wouldn't stand so many hours at train without companion. I decided to call Rachel. Her stupid talks could be entertaining and rescue me at that situation.

- Hello Rach, are you awake?

- Unfortunately yes, I'm awake now. What's so important to call me at 7 AM on Sunday, hmm? Do you plan to interrupt my beauty recovery? – Her voice was showing a lot of drama, I could only imagine her mimic and gestures, that for sure accompanied her tone.

- I have to go back to NY, and need company, I think that maybe you are tired of Lima too and want to go home with your not so close friend? – I hated that I have to be nice to her, but ummm … anyway I didn't want to go alone and there was no better option. Kurt would make that trip impossible to handle, he would see through me and get all my doubts on top.

- Why are you in such hurry?

- Love live, you know, or maybe you don't but … Rachel I just have to meet Dani as soon as possible.

- Hormones?

- If you said so ... So do you want me to book our train tickets for 10 AM?

- Yes, ok, I don't feel here so good either.

- So see you at station. Bye.

It was step number one. Trip with Rachel would defend me from too much thinking, I really shouldn't think too much. I knew that I just had to let my heart decide what should I do. Now when I knew what Britt felt and knew how I felt when I was with her, I only had to give a chance and check what I could feel with Dani. I had to be sure, nothing more, everything would be clear after one look in her eyes. I could easily predict the result even at that moment, without checking, but I was determined to do everything properly that time, not to repeat any of past mistakes. For Britt's sake and for my own. We shouldn't act emotionally, cause it only could hurt both of us. That thought made me go back to the moment when we both had been devastated, because of spontaneous behavior …

One year and few months ago

I was so lonely. Being away from Brittany, after our last year at McKinley, when we finally had been able to openly and completely express our love to each other, it just felt hundred times harder. I was totally missing her. Every day after cheerleaders' practice I was sitting alone in my room, so deadly wanting to call Britt-Britt, text her or see on Skype. But on these days when I had gone along with that need, it always had ended with sadness, for both of us. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of getting something not good enough, something inadequate. I just wanted to see her next to me, face to face, hear her laugh, touch her, kiss her lips, love her … I was sure, according to look on her face when we had been saying goodbyes to stupid camera, that for her our long distance relationship had been devastating, as well. So I was pretending that college activities left me without any free time during days and at evenings I was too tired to call. It was bullshit, I knew that, she must have known it as well. It was easier, but still not good at att. But at that moment when I saw heartbroken Brittany and heard her yelling at me, it just scared me. It wasn't like her, during all our ups and downs, even then when I had been refusing to talk about feelings at all, she had never been angry at me, not in that way. And then she was showing me that it wasn't fait, for her to be left behind and for me to think that being in college some miles closer than in New York, might have changed anything. I felt that I was pushed to stopped it. And I did it, for both of us. But I did it without deeper consideration, out of some kind of guilt.

Few months later I was ready to go back again, I was missing her too much, but she refused me. She didn't want both of us to suffer again, she stayed in safe, easy relation with Sam and pushed me to go after my dreams to New York. I was heartbroken, but I understood that, it was the only one option for us. At that moment she couldn't leave Lima and even if I could go back, it would mean resigning from my future, from dreams. I wasn't ready for that, and she definitely knew that. She didn't want to be a reason for my unhappiness and lack of satisfaction. And I went after my dreams, without thinking about, what was really important for me …

Back in present day

Still nothing had changed. I lived in New York, she was at MIT. Maybe Massachusetts was closer to New York, than Lima, but still all we could get was a long distance relationship. "Britt do you really want to experience it again? Cause I'm not sure if I can handle this even if I love you as much as I do". I wrote it in text message but after few minutes of staring at my phone I pushed cancel instead of send.

I packed all my stuff, more than I had brought from New York few days ago, as if I wanted to ensure myself, that I wouldn't comeback there for long time, I said goodbye to my parents and left for a train. When I met Rachel she was in bad mood, so we just took our places and focused on our own deep thoughts. She wasn't helping me the way I had planned. I had expected that she would be talkative as always. But Rachel was completely silent on that morning.

I went back to my dilemma. "What should I do?" I definitely knew what I had always felt about Britt, it was easy to notice and too strong to ignore, I had tried hard, not only once. But on the other hand I couldn't take another break up, I didn't want to go through that again. She was bi, there had always been another option for her, there had been Artie, Sam, ehh ... It was comfortable to blame them or her for that, but it was completely untrue. She had not betrayed me with them, she had gone to them when I had not been ready, had not been ready for all love she could have given me ... it was as if she had decided to wait for me not alone, but with them ... She had always had to wait for me, cause I had had so many issues to worked out …

3 years ago, spring 2011

After struggling with myself for whole night, I was ready. No, I wanted to be ready, but I wasn't, anyway I decided to talk to Britt. I had to, she was my best friend, she was my lover, we had been inseparable for so long, if I didn't want to screw it, I had to talk with her sincerely. After our performance in front of Glee, earlier that week, I had realized that being friends and having sex and then going back to other people, had been so unfair. I didn't like spending time with Sam or Puck in a way I had felt about time with Britt, I didn't like having sex with them, it wasn't even pleasant. I had known it since the beginning, since the first night I had spent with her. Then I had not been able to compare making love with her to any other sex, cause it had been my first time, but I had found it amazing and I had not wanted anything else. But I had learned how to hide all these feelings deep inside, not to let them disturb me. But when she had started dating Artie, I had been sure she had done it because she had been mad at me, and it had made me so jealous, she had been sharing with him something more than I had ever shared with anybody else. Not only her body, but her time, her laugh, maybe even her heart. It had been hurting me, seeing her happy with somebody else. She had wanted to share it with me, I had known it, even if she hadn't been able to express it so clearly, I had known it, but I had always refused, too scared about my well being. After that song when she had asked me if I really had felt that way, I had seen her growing happiness, but again I had ran away.

I was such a coward, but I couldn't run away for my whole life. I decided to tell her about my feelings. It was so hard, so much harder because she rejected me then. It hurt so bad but later I realized that she had to, I wasn't able to hide that still I wasn't ready to be myself, to be with her, to come out. She knew that she would have to wait for me a little longer.

Back in present day

So even if she had pushed me away, it hadn't been for her purpose, now I knew that. I was sure it had been and still was because her love for me had been so unselfish, she had always wanted me to be happy and to live my life the way I had wanted to, no matter of her own feelings.

So what the hell had happened yesterday? When I had finally been stable and somehow happy she had turned my world ups and downs, and why? Maybe it was my turn to give up something for her, to love her unconditionally and unselfishly. I wasn't sure if I was able to do that. Being with Dani it was so simple, just nice time, good sex, without bad emotions. Without any strong emotions maybe ... I liked her, I was attracted to her, but love? No there was no love. With Britt it had always been so intense, from the very beginning, she had been the one close to me while I had been struggling with myself, not only with my sexual orientation but also with looking for my life path, my goals. It was paradox, but without her I would probably end up in Lima for another year of thinking what I wanted to do with my life, maybe got stuck there for my whole life, with her probably. But she had not wanted to be the reason for me to holding on. So maybe now after she had given me time to find myself, I should go back and find her again. But I didn't want her to give up MIT for me, and I didn't want to leave New York until I would finally find out what my destiny was, what I was good at. It was like fucking closed circle, I had loved her for so many years, I still loved her, not as a friend, I had been in love with her since forever, but I didn't want any of us to get hurt again. And I didn't want her to wait for me, putting pause of her own life … I was scared that I wasn't able to make good decision, maybe there was no good decision in that situation …

Train was moving so fast, everything was just passing by, without chance to take closer look, only on stations there was some time of rest for eyes. I could stare at one point, and sunk in my thoughts. I had been hoping that Rachel would be entertaining partner for conversation, as always, but she was just sleeping on seat next to me. Leaving me with my dilemma ... I didn't want to consider every option for hundredth time, I felt need to act, so I chose Dani's number from list. "Lovely D" and our picture from Central Park started to pulse on my screen ...

- Hello baby! – She picked up with noticeable excitement in her voice, as if she was waiting for that call. And probably she was. – I was disappointed yesterday, when you didn't call me back.

- Hi, I just want to tell you that I'm coming back to NY, I'm on train now.

- Wow, it's fast, that's great. Does that mean that you miss me that much?

- Yee, I think so ... – I tried to put on some vibes of sexy voices ... – Dani I have to see you tonight, can we meet at 8 PM?

- I can pick you up from the station, if you want ... hmm?

- No, no, I will come to your place, right after, I only have to leave my bags at apartment. So see you then. – I felt immediate need to end that call, cause if not, I would definitely make some kind of false start and tell her now. But what should and would I tell her? I didn't know exactly. All the more I had to end that conversation.

- Bye San, I will be waiting for you, and I'm sure that we will have a long night ahead!

- Yee, definitely, bye.

"Oh my God! It will be more difficult, than I expected. How could I be able to decide what I really want when she would bring sex on."

It was 6 PM, about twenty minutes to New York's Central Station. I looked on my phone once again, going through contact list I stopped on Britt's ID. I still had her photo, which had been taken on our valentines date few years ago ... I had been so happy then, she too. Everything had been then, during last year of school, just simple and great, even coming out. I had been so scared before, but it had come out quite well, not including my relation with Abuela, but she needed more time, I hoped. "Why did it have to end that way? Why Britt wasn't able to graduate with us?" I didn't have right to think that way, it hadn't been her fault, I should have paid more attention, not only to our love, but to her problems. She had done that for me when she had written that letter to Louisville University … She had been better girlfriend for me, than I ever could be to her … I felt that Rachel woke up, bringing me back to reality.

- Hmm ... Have I just slept for almost 7 hours?

- Unfortunately ...

- Hmm? I suspected that you would be happy not to be forced to talk about my Broadway success.

- Of course Rachel, I'm grateful for your generosity. – I put so much viciousness in that sentence, but Rachel was too focused on herself to notice that I was making fun of her imaginary success.

- Come on, take your bags, why are you in such bad mood? Don't you like coming back there? Something's happen?

- No, but anyway it's not enough time to talk about it, maybe later. – I didn't need her conversation now, when we were almost at Central Station.

In taxi there was still only silence. When we got to apartment I just left my bags on the floor and wanted to go out as soon as possible. I had to be able to start, to get fresh start, immediately, I still wasn't sure about final version of my plan to gain it, but I had to act, I couldn't wait. It was too annoying.

- I'm going out, to Dani, don't wait for me and don't call I'm turning off my phone. I don't want anybody to disturb us.

- Bye lovebird! – I heard from direction of Rachel's room and left.

I was so nervous. Still without any decision made (I was telling it to myself to put meaning into that meeting), I knocked on her door. "Oh fuck. Watch out Santana Lopez. She won't make it easier for you." There she was, in black lingerie with bottle of wine in her hand. Perfect but not for that occasion.

- Have you forgotten how I look like? San? You are staring … – Her voice was more sexy than the law should allow.

- Can I get in, don't want to stand here on the hall, ok?

- Somebody is not in the mood today? I'll take care of this. – She winked and smiled.

I didn't get any time to answer, because she closed my lips with passionate kiss and pulled me closer. Now all I wanted, all my body wanted was getting her naked and forgetting about last evening, just like all that had never happened ... but I couldn't. Dani kisses were so hot, she was hot, but feeling of her tongue in my mouth pushed me to recreate that kiss which Britt had given me yesterday. Even if I hadn't kissed her back, still it had been much more passionate ... I pulled Dani away from me.

- You look amazing and I'm really have to fight myself not to take you here on the floor, but please put some clothes on, I need to talk to you. – I had to focus. I was determined not to screw it up. I was committed to make right decision.

- It's getting serious, what's wrong with my baby? – She asked, still using her sexy voice and some sweet facial expression, but after noticing my focused and serious face, she let go of these tricks.

I didn't have to come there and kiss her to know that in any way my kiss with her couldn't compare with all these feelings which had exploded in me when yesterday Britt had kissed me and had said about her love. I hadn't had to run there so fast to get to know that. All the way to New York I had been struggling with my feelings, with some doubts and second thoughts only to make realization that decision had been made yesterday. That I really had nothing to think of, it had been done, decided. I loved Brittany more than anybody else in the world, and she would always be my one true love. With Dani it had been just nice and easy ... nothing more unfortunately ... Finally she noticed my confusion, put on some blouse and sat on the couch.

- So all dressed up I'm listening, Santana. – She smiled, maybe a little fake.

- Dani I came back from Lima so quickly because something has happened there ... – I paused looking at her, pleading to her with my eyes just to end that conversation with simple "ok I understand", but it would be too easy. And unfortunately she didn't decide to make it easier for me. So I had to go on. – Dani ... I just ... She just ...

- Who and what? Focus Santana, if you really want to talk tonight, even if I have totally different plans for us, you have to relax and get your thoughts together.

- Dani … I just, you know, when we started dating, or even before, I told you that Brittany was the one for me but she left and it was over. Right?

- Yes, I know, I remember. But what's up with that? It wasn't true, or what? – I noticed that her face was getting more serious and concerned, maybe a little frightened too. - It was true, then yes … but yesterday … yesterday she told me that she wanted me back ... that she loved me … – Dani was looking at me as if she was studying my facial expression to find something to focus on.

- I'm not really interested in that what your ex wants, I care about that what you want. – Finally she stopped staring at me and said it with anger in her voice.

- I don't know ... – I said that so quietly, because it wasn't true. I knew but I didn't know how to announce it.

- Don't you? Don't you know if you are still in love with her? – She was getting more and more impatient and furious. I realized that maybe for her our relationship meant something more that it did for me.

- It's not about that. – I tried to postpone the final statement. I didn't know how it could help me, but I was still not able to tell out loud that I loved Brittany so much.

- No? Really? So about what?

- I have always known that and I, I mean that you must remember that I told you that I would always love her. – It was easier, "I will always love you", it was some king of goodbye standard, some empty slogan that a lot of people used definitely too often.

- Great ... It's becoming more and more interesting.

- I told you that before. – I repeated defensively.

- Yeee, but still, these were just words, everybody could say I will always love my ex with different meaning ... and you said that you two were finished once and for all, that you would love memory of her and not her in person.

- Dani, I thought that she was over me, so I wanted to move on, to have new life … – She interrupted me, my words were obviously hurting her.

- And now you have new life, with me ... right?

- What are you doing? Let go of this wine ... – I tried to protest while she was opening the bottle and started to drink wine directly from it. – Great ... so now we can't talk anymore. – I assumed.

- There is nothing more to talk about. I think that you have already told everything Santana.

- Nooo ... do you think it's easy?

- Of course, she wants you, you want her too, right?

- No, I mean yes, but I'm afraid. Give me this fucking bottle, I need something to clear my mind.

There was silence, we were drinking, without any eye contact, both drown in their thoughts. Mine were chaotic: "So is it over? Is it decided? Can I go out and run back to Lima to Britt? Should I say something more? Did I make this decision or Dani did it – no it was that kiss, the one Britt putted on my lips yesterday. Ehh..." Wine was starting to affect me I guessed, I felt that tears started to fall down my face ... "Fucking great ..."

- Are you crying? Shouldn't be me the one with teardrops? – Dani looked at me reproachfully.

- It's just me ... and alcohol heh. It's my tradition to cry because of wine.

- Don't be kidding me San, you have drunk like two glasses of wine or less.

- But I'm fucking confused.

- Wake up, stop this crying masquerade and give me one straight answer. Then nobody will be confused anymore!

- One straight way, I'm straight out bitch. – I automatically quoted nobody else than myself. It was embarrassing.

- Oh my God. Santana are you already drunk with two glasses? Anyway could you just tell me one thing, not that I haven't known the answer already, but do you love her?

In my opinion it was like hundred years of silence before I could answer that simple question.

- I think, that yes ...

- Do you think?

- Ok, ok I know. I'm sure of that, are you happy now?

- No, not really. And the second part of my question is, do you love me?

And now it was like thousand years of silence before I could answer that even more simple question.

- I'm sorry Dani ...

- So fuck off, get out of my apartment and go to her!

- I'm so sorry ...

I started to cry even harder, I was not able to stand up, so Dani just left me there in her living room and went to bedroom. I was crying but my heart was beating fast not because of tears but because of realization that tomorrow my new, maybe a little old but improved life with Brittany would start again. I didn't want to think about circumstances, which still had been the same and could mean another troubles with long distance relationship, cause I was focused on enjoying that wonderful thought about our reconciliation. In one short moment I wanted to call her immediately, but I was not able to find my phone, so I just let myself fall asleep.