Chapter 3

We caught up to Jake at La Push beach. Unlike Forks, the sun was shining brightly and I greedily drank up the warmth it provided. Still in my jeans and t-shirt I looked down at my daughter clad in her blue one piece swimsuit and, of course, her smile ever present. Her brown eyes lit up when she saw Jacob and within 2 seconds, she was piggybacking on him. All I saw was a blue and brown blur run across the expanse of the beach. I chuckled. She hardly used her powers and sometimes it was easy to forget that she had them. But she always got excited when Jacob was around. I'm just glad she decided to get overly excited when we were sans unsuspecting humans.

I walked over to where Renesmee was trying to cover Jake's whole body with sand. She had a long way to go. A huge smile made its home on my face as I got near enough to hear their playful banter.

"Spiders aren't scary," Jake scoffed.

"They are too!" She rebutted, "They're creepy and crawly and they make me get the shivers! Plus, they're hairy. It's icky!"

"Hey! I'm hairy when I'm a wolf. So you're telling me that I'm icky?!" He pretended to feel hurt, complete with holding his palm to his heart.

It was hilarious and I couldn't help but burst out laughing with Jacob joining in. My baby's expression was enough to get me to try to shut up and I slapped my palm to my mouth. Ironically, Jake wasn't so fortunate to see her put out expression.

When my daughter caught my eye, I mouthed a sorry and she smiled in forgiveness. She was very forgiving to me. Jake? Not so much. I gestured that I was gonna leave them alone to catch up and her eyes lit up like Christmas lights. She hugged me tightly and I kissed her forehead and backtracked to Billy's house. All this happened and Jacob remained oblivious.

I'm glad I left them. They've missed each other too much and I didn't even know. I felt terrible that I had them so close but yet so far away from each other. I thought about them like they were already together and dating and madly in love. I wanted them to enjoy their time together and take things slow but I knew it wasn't going to happen. They simply love each other too much even if they were only best friends and not a couple. Yet.

I was grateful for the imprint because I knew that Jake was her one and only. That meant that heartbreaks won't come near her and that was more than just great. But it also meant that she would fall more in love with Jacob as she got older. And that meant that it would be hard for them to take things slow. She was going to grow up so fast, both literally and figuratively. I glanced back at my daughter and my best friend. She was already growing up. She was barely 2 years old and she already looked 5 years old.

I stifled a whimper at that realization. The feelings swelled inside me. I closed my eyes a moment to get rid of them, but they were still there. I didn't want to feel this regret because she was going to grow up so fast and not be my little miracle anymore. I didn't want to feel like wishing she would stay 2 years old forever. It was selfish and I knew that. It was selfish to want her to stay this way, where no one would do her harm even when Jake was in her life. It was selfish to not want her to grow up and experience the completely blissful period where the only thing keeping you from floating high above the clouds was your soulmate and not gravity because I knew how it felt long ago. And wanting to keep that from her was hypocritical and shameful on my part.

I heard their laughter from the distance and another feeling swell up inside me. Guilt. I shouldn't even be feeling like this. She was my daughter, my own flesh and blood and I was putting my own experiences on the forefront of my mind to judge her life. Just because my love life didn't work out didn't mean that I should try to dictate hers. My Renesmee wasn't going to make the same mistakes I did and if she did, then I would wrap my arms around her and assure her of the good things in life and how the bad things weren't worth crying over. I would give her the knowledge and wisdom that I had gained a little over a year ago and she would do with it what she pleased. I was ashamed of myself and my head dropped a notch as I continued toward the house.

I should have realized all of this sooner. Ignored memories were pushing their way to be noticed and I felt the scratch of a locked away memory as it resurfaced.

The meadow.

Of course it had to be the meadow. We were carefree and in love and now discovering each other. Our biggest problem was his thirst and not my doubt for his love for me. We were talking and laughing and just being carefree. I remembered it all perfectly.

The other memories were pushing their way to get noticed and as some of them flashed in front of me obscuring my path, I noticed they weren't all good, and with bad memories came the heartache. I didn't want to live it again so I did what I do every time I almost get carried away; I forced myself to stifle and ignore them as the nostalgia crept in. I shook my head to clear the fog. It was all too much. The regrets, the guilt and the feelings of selfishness that emerge first at Renesmee coupled with the pain, the nostalgia, the heartache, the memories and more regrets that come from my past were too much for me to cope with. I was a failure as a mother and a spineless, weak woman who couldn't get someone to love her. I breathed out to banish the feelings that had started to form. It was another example of my weakness; I couldn't even face my past. No wonder he and his family had left me. I wasn't good enough.

I hung my head lower and quickened my steps, thinking that if I moved faster, I could outrun my dizzying feelings. My path finally curved up to Billy's house finally, where he was waiting patiently.

"Bella, we need to talk."