Scene Four: Monostatos and Pamina - and Papageno too
Narrator: The curtain now opens on an Egyptian looking room. Three slaves are sitting around, snickering to each other.
First Slave: Monostatos is gonna get it!
Second Slave: He's in big trouble!
Third Slave: Pamina escaped him!
All together: (sing-songy) Nah-nah-na-nah-naaah!
Monostatos Character Synopsis
Monostatos is a creepy, lusting, pervert who can't keep his hands off Pamina – a fact that constantly drives her to escape. He also used to run track in college and set several kingdom records, later winning a professional championship. He is one of the fastest people for miles around. This makes him useful as a jailer. He also happens to be Moorish.
Monostatos: (Entering stage left, dragging Pamina behind him) Hey you slaves! Get me some chains!
The Three Slaves: Oops. So much for that…
Monostatos: Thought you could escape me, eh? (Chuckles) You'll have to run faster next time, my sweet! Ha!
Pamina: I wish I was dead!
Pamina Character Synopsis
Pamina, daughter of the Queen of the Night, is pretty, sweet, and somewhat given to excessive drama. However, one can't blame her too much, after all, as we see here, her life is actually pretty dramatic. Her childhood wasn't much better, as will be revealed in a scene soon to come…
Monostatos: You're as good as dead already!
Pamina: (Nobly looking off into the distance) Death doesn't scare me! I only worry what my poor mother will do without me…
Monostatos: Prepare to be destroyed by my hatred!
Pamina: Ewww… Please, just kill me first and get it done and over with already! (faints)
Monostatos: (Rubbing hands and chuckling) Go, slaves! Forget the chains! Leave me alone with my pre-eciousss!
The Three Slaves: (Beat a thankful retreat off the stage and in the direction of the nearest bathroom to relieve their sickened stomachs)
Monostatos: (Turns momentarily from Pamina and tests his breath) Gross…where's my minty gum? (Rummages pockets and trots off stage in search)
Narrator: Enter Papageno from other side of stage…
Papageno: (Happily singing to himself) Oh the birdcatcher, yes that's me! Out on an adventure, whoopdeedee! The birdcatch – Oh, aha! (Sees Pamina passed out on the ground). A pretty girl!
Monostatos: (Running back on stage, popping several sticks of gum in his mouth – doesn't look where he is going and accidentally runs into Papageno)
Papageno: Yipes! It's a black dude!
Three Civil Rights Activists in Audience: Awww! He just said the B word! Apologize and say 'African American'!
Narrator: But he's not American. He's Moorish. So what now?
Three Civil Rights Activists: Um… Uh…We'll get back to you on this one…
Monostatos: Yipes! It's a feathery monster!
Both together: Or worse – It must be the DEVIL! Run for your lives! Aaaaa! (Both run off stage away from each other at top speed)
Pamina: (Wakes up) Mother… Mother? Mother! (Looks around empty stage) Rats. I even said it three times and it didn't work. I wish I had died. Now I have only awoken to fresh pain, agony, torture, tribulation, suffering, torment –
Papageno: (Returning to stage) Ha! I'm so silly! There are black birds in the world, why not black men also? Oh, look! The girl is still here.
Narrator: Lest the audience think it was due to greater intelligence that Papageno realized his error quickly enough to come back before Monostatos, it will be pointed out here that such a thing is not true. Papageno is just as simple as ever, he just hadn't gotten as far away as Monostatos when he ran – not being as fast as the Moor – and so had a shorter distance to come back when he figured things out.
Papageno: (Looking at the picture of Pamina that Tamino must have given to him) Hmm… It might be the daughter of the Queen of the Night…
Pamina: Queen of the Night? You know my good, sweet, mother? What is your name?
Papageno: (Snorts) Good, sweet, mother? About as sweet as a bolt of lightning, and yes, I have been sent by her. Prince Tamino has fallen in love with your picture. My name is Papageno, and I'm here to set you up with him! Although, he may be disappointed…How long ago was this picture taken?
Pamina: (Indignantly) Just last year! I'll have you know I look even better than that picture when I haven't been held prisoner for several days, gotten slobbered over by perverts, spent time crying my makeup off and fainting! So, Papageno, (eagerly) my mom actually got someone to fall in love with my picture?
Papageno: Yup. And he's a really hot prince to boot!
Pamina: Squee! (Dancess like a giddy little schoolgirl) Oh, he loves me! I never thought mom's picture idea would work! Wait a minute though, how do I know he's the right one for me? You might be the right one instead. Are you single?
Papageno: Terribly single. No wife, no girlfriend, no sweetheart. (Sighs sadly) Just poor old me all by myself.
Pamina: Aww. Poor guy. I'll be your girlfriend.
Papageno: Nope. My girl's name has gotta be 'Papagena'.
Pamina: My name is really close to that.
Papageno: (Scratches feathers on head) Huh…true… but not close enough! Your name is much closer to 'Tamino'. Besides, there's one other way I know you two are perfect for each other.
Pamina: Cause we're both royalty?
Papageno: Well, that too, but really because you both are good at fainting. I never faint, and neither will Papagena.
Pamina: Tamino is good at fainting? Oh, we'll get along just grand! I love him already! Let's go to him right now!
Papageno: Good idea! The longer we spend here the more nervous I'm getting that Sarastro is going to find me and kill me!
Pamina: He wouldn't just kill you either, you know. (Whispers dramatically) He'd torture you and you would perish only after days and days of vast suffering and torments and –
Papageno: (His feathers flatten and he looks around fearfully) Yikes! Say no more, let's get outta here!
Pamina: Oh, but we've spoiled our lovely talk about love. Couldn't we talk about love a little more? It is my favorite thing.
Papageno: (Fluffs his feathers and cocks his head a little to the side, grinning at Pamina) M'kay! I love love also. Why don't we sing about it?
Pamina: Perfect! Are you sure we're not meant for each other?
Papageno: Positive!
Both: (Sing a charming and beautiful duet about love – in German naturally – pointing out its goodness and virtues and the pleasure it brings)
Pamina:Bei Mӓnnern, welche Liebe fühlen… (Men who feel love...)
Papageno: Die süssen Triebe mit zu fühlen… (The sweet instinct to share…)
Narrator:They finish by expounding on the following point, of which here is a rough English translation:
Both: Man and woman, woman and man, there is nothing nobler than this!
Papageno: Man and woman…
Pamina: Woman and man…
Both: The loftiest aim of love is this!
Three LGBT Activists in Audience: Take it back you insensitive homophobes!
Narrator: (Too busy enjoying the music to even notice this momentary black hole of intelligence. Sighs happily) I love this opera…