Through the darkness

by Krohma

Castiel is 22 and decided to flee his family to travel across the United States and find out what he wants to do with his life. When he picks up Dean, a mysterious young hitchhicker, he thinks he can share new experiences with him. He doesn't imagine that his presence will change his life, make him take risks and endanger him.

4. Chapter 4 : Brotherly Love

Hello,

Here is the fourth chapter of this story. It contains the introduction of the character of Gabriel and a new sexual scene.

I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Thank you to continue to read me.

Sydney8201

Chapter's music:

X&Y by Coldpay

Warnings: brief explicit sexual scene, mentions of homophobia

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Chapter 4: Brotherly love

"A brother is a friend given by nature"

Gabriel Legouvé

A week after his quarrel with Dean, Castiel had still not gotten rid of the images of his friend and the stranger from the bar making love behind their motel. He had dreamed of it many times and had immediately felt guilty. But he had then systematically given in to the demands and wants of his body and had masturbated in the bathroom. And he hated himself for that.

Being with Dean all day long certainly didn't facilitate the task. The young man was a permanent temptation. He spent his time putting things in his perfect mouth, whether it be the cap of a pen, a piece of candy or even one of his fingers, and he too often let slip the bottle neck along his full lips. He also stretched constantly, making his shirt ride up and revealing his muscular belly and the beginning of an intriguing tattoo that started from his hip bone and down along his thigh. The tattoo that obsessed Castiel since he had seen it in its entirety when Dean had made love with the man from the bar. It was a constant distraction that kindled an incredible desire in Castiel. He had started to notice dozens of other things with his companion. His freckles. The way his Adam's apple moved under his skin when he was swallowing. The delicacy of his wrists. The jeans always too tight that he wore and accentuated the perfect outline of his buttocks. The way he bit his lower lip when he was thoughtful. Castiel had taken note of all these little things and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

It had become a real torture for the young man. His mind was constantly invaded by images of Dean in unimaginable positions, asking Castiel to take him here and now and especially not to hold back. And the young man then felt the need to release the pressure immediately and masturbate to not go crazy. He didn't know how long he could resist without saying something compromising. He was afraid to end up revealing his morbid attraction to his companion and to ruin everything between them.

They had finally made a detour to Las Vegas and Dean had refused to leave his hotel room while Castiel had spent the evening enjoying the scenery and watching people playing in casinos. They had then reached San Francisco and Dean had seen to show the city around to his companion. It was splendid. But even more than the scenery and the atmosphere, it was the effect it had on Dean that had left Castiel completely breathless. The young man looked incredibly happy and free in this city. His eyes shone brightly and his face had lit up beautifully when they had finally joined the Golden Gate. When they had decided to leave, Castiel began to fear that his attraction to Dean hides something more serious. That his feelings for the young man are deeper than he liked to think. He couldn't have fallen in love with him. He didn't know him. It was irrational and it was stupid. But the more Castiel looked at the young man sitting behind the wheel and singing over the radio, the more he realized that his heart had no intention of listening to his brain on this point. He was well and truly falling in love with his companion. And this couldn't last.

Because despite his attraction to Dean and the strength of what he was beginning to feel for him, he didn't ignore all that was weird about him. He kept hiding his face when they were in too crowded places. He was constantly looking over his shoulder and chose the least frequented bars and restaurants. He kept his hood and sunglasses even when one and the other were unnecessary. He was strange and always on guard. Castiel should have been scared of him. He couldn't be so.

They were on the road to see the Grand Canyon and enjoy the pleasant weather to try to go down inside and enjoy the view from below when Dean announced that he wanted to go out alone tonight. Castiel knew what it meant. His companion was going to get someone to spend the night with. He would find someone who would make love to him or to whom he would make love. And Castiel was jealous. He couldn't deny it. He wanted to ask Dean why he wasn't enough. Why he didn't ask him to fill his desires. He would have accepted in the minute if that had been the case. But Dean hadn't made any such proposal since his quarrel with Castiel.

The young man hesitated to ask him if he would choose to go with a man or woman tonight. He needed to know if he felt the need again to be dominated like with the stranger from the bar or if he planned to take the reins tonight. But he said nothing and only nodded instead. Dean had the right to go out and find someone to spend the night with. Castiel should probably have done the same. So he swallowed his jealousy and frustration and let his companion choose the motel where they would spend the night. Alone for Castiel. Probably accompanied for Dean. Unless he chose to sleep with the man or woman he would bring back outside the motel like last time. Where everyone could see them. Where Castiel could come upon them.

The young man was relieved to find that their rooms weren't side by side. He wasn't likely to hear anything compromising. He could ignore what Dean was doing overnight and try to keep a semblance of control over his emotions.

He threw his bag on his bed and dashed to take a shower. He was fidgety and knew the night promised to be complicated. He hoped to sleep a minimum because the road was still long and he needed to regain his strength. But his mind was constantly taking him back to what Dean was probably doing. And it drove him completely mad.

He lay down on his bed when out of the shower and turned on the old TV with the remote control. He channel-hoped for a few minutes, unable to focus on anything other than his companion. He tried to watch a talk show for a moment before giving up and choosing instead an old movie in black and white that he remembered having already seen.

He then threw the remote on the bedside table and clasped his hands under his head and stared at the TV. He knew right now Dean had already gone out. He was probably heading for the nearest bar. He had perhaps already arrived. Castiel didn't doubt that it wouldn't take long for him to find someone interested. He was extremely attractive and he caught people's attention.

Castiel probably should have gone out in his turn and find a bar to pass the time. He should have sought a man for the night. He should have tried to forget Dean just a few hours. But the young man was definitely not comfortable with this idea. He didn't want to sleep with a man just to release his frustration. It would not be fair to the person in question. He didn't want to use someone while thinking about someone else. He couldn't do that.

Castiel abandoned the idea of watching the movie that was on TV and looked up to the ceiling. Like every time that his mind wasn't busy with other things, he automatically thought of Dean. He closed his eyes, annoyed that he had no control over his thoughts and let images of the young man abound behind his closed eyelids. He viewed the perfect drawing of his lips, the freckles on his cheeks and nose, the span of his shoulders and the muscle structure of his buttocks. The young man licked his lips as his body began to tense significantly. He thought about how his companion had let himself being penetrated without resistance despite the obvious lack of preparation. He imagined what the stranger from the bar might have felt in being intimately joined to Dean. He guessed that the sensation had to be extraordinary. He would have given anything to know what it was like. But he would probably never know. He had no illusions on this point. Fantasize on the other hand was allowed and he didn't intend to deprive himself of that for the moment. He would certainly feel guilty as soon as he would finish. But he didn't care. He needed it. He slipped a hand under the waistband of his pajama pants and grabbed his sex delicately. He tried to imagine Dean over him, his mouth approaching him with determination. He began moving back and forth along his sex as he now imagined the mouth of his companion closed around him, his tongue slowly sliding down his erected member and wresting moans from him. Castiel could already feel his orgasm rear its head, contracting the muscles of his belly and thighs. He began to shake his hips while in his fantasies, Dean continued going back-and-forth with his tongue along his sex. He let out a cry when he finally came, spreading himself on his fingers and his stomach. He fell back on the bed with a long sigh and wiped his fingers on the tissues that were on the nightstand.

He always hated himself when he had finished and the effects of his orgasm diminished. But he began again and again, unable to do without. It was a vicious circle and he had no idea of how he should go about to get himself out of it. He would have to hope that with time, his obsessive attraction to the young man would markedly lessen and that he could finally resume a normal life.

Castiel opened his eyes and looked around. He straightened up and then stood up and walked to the window. He watched the empty parking lot for long seconds and tried to persuade himself that he wasn't there in the hope of catching sight of Dean. He pressed his forehead against the glass and waited patiently. When he was tired of waiting for nothing, he turned his back to the window and watched his room. It was depressing and ordinary like all those he had dwelt in since the beginning of his journey. The walls were gray and the floor covered with carpeting. The furniture was of very poor quality and the mattress hard and old. Castiel hated these places. He missed his bedroom. He missed his books. But he didn't intend to return to his parents for all that. He certainly didn't want to abandon his new freedom for the comfort of his bed. He was happy on the road. He was happy with Dean. He wanted to enjoy that.

Castiel simply needed to take his mind off things. He went to the small desk located in a corner of the room and grabbed his cell phone. He reached into his contact list and stopped on the name of Gabriel. Castiel couldn't return to his family but he knew he could count on his big brother to not feel so alone.

Castiel sat on his bed, waiting for Gabriel to respond. He knew that his phone call was going to surprise his brother. But he also knew that he wouldn't hang up on him either. He needed to talk to him and Gabriel would feel it immediately. They had been close in a time of their lives. They could be again.

Castiel was beginning to lose patience when his brother finally picked his phone up.

"Hey Cassie!" Gabriel said by way of greeting.

Castiel couldn't help but smile when he heard his nickname in his brother's mouth. He hadn't realized how much he had missed Gabriel until now. He forgot all his other problems and concentrated on the voice of his older.

"What's up bro?" Asked Gabriel whose voice was cheerful and enthusiastic.

Castiel shrugged and looked at his surroundings. He didn't know where to start. He knew that Gabriel would never judge him on his departure from home or even on his homosexuality. But he hadn't talked with his brother for a long time now and he had lost the habit of discussing with him.

"So many things that I wouldn't know where to start." He finally explained.

He heard Gabriel laugh at the other end of the line and for a second, Castiel wondered what his brother was doing when he'd called. He knew nothing of the life that Gabriel had now. His brother had told him briefly about his work, but Castiel didn't know if he had met someone, if he had friends or if he was alone. There was so much he wanted to ask his brother. He would have time when he would have arrived at Chicago. But for now, he still didn't feel ready to settle somewhere. He liked traveling and spending time with Dean. He immediately got the young man out of his head and took a deep breath.

"I left Gabe… I left home." He then confessed.

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I dropped my studies and I went around the United States by car." He added.

Gabriel said nothing for several seconds and Castiel wondered if he hadn't said too much. He couldn't have shocked his brother. Not after he himself had left everything a few years earlier to start a new life in Chicago. His silence, however, made Castiel uncomfortable because he didn't know what to think.

"You did what?" Gabriel finally asked in a voice that Castiel didn't recognize him.

He seemed really surprised. Castiel could understand. When his brother had left, he hadn't been kind to him and had taken the side of his parents. He sincerely hoped that Gabriel wasn't mad at him for not having supported him.

"I left everything Gabe." Castiel answered, annoyed to have to repeat himself.

He would have liked his brother to immediately support him and encourages him to live his life. If Gabriel didn't do it, no one would in his family. He was his only chance to have a place to stay. His only chance of not being totally alone.

"Fuck Cassie… you're crazy! You're completely crazy!" Gabriel cried out after another long silence.

Castiel frowned, surprised by the reaction of his brother. He had expected anything but that. He ran a hand over his face then in his hair and cast a glance at the window over his shoulder. Dean was probably back at this hour. He was probably accompanied.

"I did the same thing as you a few years ago. I expected a different reaction from you." He admitted, turning his attention on the wall in front of him.

Castiel was totally lost. He didn't know what else to say to his brother. He hadn't planned this conversation. He hadn't thought he would have to convince Gabriel. He had only expected support and encouragements.

"It's totally different Cassie… Mom and dad absolutely didn't care about me. They would have me boot me out one day or another, and I preferred to take things in hand so this decision becomes mine and not theirs. It was easier to live."

Castiel knew their parents had been considering throwing Gabriel out for a long time. He was disobedient, disrespectful and refused to follow the path that had been traced for him. They would have eventually disinherit him. Gabriel had been right to leave and to avoid this humiliation.

"You on the other hand… you're the prodigal son… the one who was to meet the expectations of our parents. You could have it all… and you threw everything away on a whim."

Castiel couldn't help but snicker. He had always done everything to satisfy his parents. In appearance, he was actually the perfect son. The one you had every reason to be proud of. But his parents knew nothing of the real him. Nobody knew anything about him.

"If they knew the real me, believe me, they would have kicked me out before you… and they would have been pleased to say it!" He commented, shaking his head.

He waited a second to give Gabriel a chance to say something or even to apologize but at his silence, he chose to give him details.

"I'm gay, Gabe." He calmly declared.

It was the first time he said this openly to someone other than Dean. It was incredibly liberating for him. He felt a weight on his shoulders disappear. He smiled weakly then rose from the bed and went back to the window. The parking lot was still empty.

"You what?" Asked his brother after a few seconds.

He really seemed to have difficulty understanding what Castiel was telling him. The young man was still annoyed to have to repeat himself but he chose not to say anything about it. He didn't want to quarrel with Gabriel. He was seeking his support.

"I am homosexual… I like men." He clarified.

He knew what his family thought of homosexuals but he had never broached the subject with his brother. He had always thought that Gabriel was someone open minded and tolerant. He hoped now that he hadn't been wrong about him. He prayed that his older doesn't mind that his little brother was gay.

"Oh okay, you're right… they would have kicked ya out with no hesitation if they had known. You gonna tell them?" Gabriel finally said.

Castiel shrugged before turning back on the window. He didn't really know why he was continuing to survey the parking lot. He had no chance to spot Dean. The young man was most likely already busy with someone else. He was maybe even tied to a bed and roughed up by a man about to make love to him. Castiel wiped the idea from his mind to avoid being too aroused when he was having an important conversation with his brother.

"I don't know… I don't see what that would change. They already wrote me off and… I… I don't know." He admitted.

Castiel had never considered having this conversation with his parents. He didn't intend to return home either. He would live his life as he saw fit. No matter what his parents really knew of him. They were cursing him for dropping his studies. He was already classified as "persona non grata" at home. That wouldn't change anything.

"You might want to be honest with them… not to hide anymore." Gabriel claimed hesitantly.

Castiel shrugged and slid down the wall against which he was leaning until he was sitting on the floor. He then bowed his head, pulling his knees against his body.

"What are you gonna do now Cassie? Ya told me you were traveling but… I guess you're not gonna do that all your life." Said Gabriel who seemed to have realized that his brother preferred to change the subject.

It was now or never for Castiel to explain to Gabriel the reason for his call. He needed him. Needed his support of course, but also and especially to be able to join him at Chicago for some times. He swallowed hard, looking at the floor.

"I thought maybe come to Chicago. I thought I could come to see you."

Castiel closed his eyes, waiting for the reaction of his brother. He was scared stiff at the thought of being rejected by Gabriel. He didn't know what he would do if he didn't get his consent. He couldn't imagine spending his life on the road as Dean seemed to want to do. He needed a pied-à-terre. A place that would be home.

"You wanna know if you can stay at my place?" Gabriel asked, visibly surprised.

He wasn't getting angry and that was a good point for young man. He could have refused immediately and hang up on him. Maybe he was wrong to be so terrified by his reaction.

"Not for long… just… just the time to find what I want to do… to find a place where I could live." He claimed.

He opened his eyes and looked at the wall facing him. He was conscious of gambling a part of his future on the conversation. He could feel his heart pounding in his temples.

"Cassie, you know that you can come whenever you want and... you can stay as long as you like. You don't even have to ask."

Castiel sighed in relief. He had got what he had hoped from his brother. Now he was certain he would never be alone. That he had made the right choice and that he had been right to trust Gabriel. But he couldn't help but wonder what his brother really thought of his choices. He hadn't told him whether he approved or not his departure… or if he had a problem with his homosexuality. Castiel needed to know.

"Cassie, something's wrong?" Gabriel then asked, visibly worried before the prolonged silence of his brother.

Castiel hesitated for a second before asking the question he was dying to ask. The answer would be decisive for him and for his relationship with Gabriel. He cleared his throat before starting.

"Thank you Gabe… thank you but… you didn't tell me if… you didn't tell me what you thought of me being gay. You're not disgusted?"

He crossed his fingers with his free hand hard enough for his joints to become painful. He wanted to trust his brother, but he couldn't help but doubt. He had all too often heard his parents speak of homosexuality as a serious and deplorable sin. He had come to believe that his entire family thought the same thing.

"Of course no Cassie. You don't disgust me. Quite the contrary. I am proud of you and I find you extremely brave. No matter that you're gay… you're my little brother and I love you exactly as you are. You should know that I've never shared the opinions of our parents. They are intolerant and stupid and I hate them to have made you doubt of yourself."

It was exactly what Castiel needed to hear. The words were sincere and the young man knew that Gabriel wasn't only seeking to reassure him. He really didn't care about his choices and preferences. He accepted him the way he was. It was such a relief that Castiel felt he was beginning to tear-up. He smiled as his vision blurred significantly.

"Thank you." He whispered as he needed to explain to his brother that he was grateful for all.

"Don't thank me… it's no big deal. Let's talk about less sad things okay? Look, tell me what you've seen during your trip… or what you plan to see before you join me at Chicago."

Castiel nodded even though his brother couldn't see him. He took a few seconds to swallow down the tears that were still coming to his eyes and wiped his wet cheeks with the back of the hand. He then took a deep breath and stood up. He turned back to the window and watched the parking lot outside.

"We crossed Georgia and Texas. We stopped in Las Vegas and San Francisco. This city is beautiful. You really should visit it. And tomorrow, we should take the road to the Grand Canyon if the weather allows it." Castiel explained, keeping his eyes fixed on the empty parking lot.

Castiel really wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Dean spoke of it as the most amazing thing that he had been given to see. He wanted to form his own opinion. And going down the canyon accompanied by the young man made things even more exciting.

"We?" Gabriel said at the other end, pulling him out of his daydreams. "Who's "we"?"

Castiel frowned one second without understanding what his brother was asking. He then realized that he had included Dean without thinking when describing what he had done until now. He hadn't really meant to. He just hadn't been able to help himself.

"Dean and I." He explained without waiting because he refused to lie to Gabriel.

"Oh, I thought you were traveling alone. Dean's your boyfriend?"

Castiel immediately shook his head, pressing his face against the window that separated him from the outside. Gabriel couldn't be more far from the truth than that. Because Dean was having sex with someone at this very moment and it was inconceivable that he becomes one day more that Castiel's friend.

"Not at all, he's… he's just a hitchhiker that I picked up in Florida. He's been traveling for some time now and we decided to spend a bit of time together."

"And he's not gay?"

Castiel closed his eyes for a second.

"He's bisexual actually."

"But you don't sleep together."

Gabriel had always been curious by nature. It was a trait they had in common. Castiel wasn't embarrassed by the question of his brother. Nor by the nature of his relationship with Dean. They were traveling companions and friends in a certain way. There was nothing more. At least nothing concrete. In the young man's head, however, Dean had a completely different importance. And in his fantasies, his companion had an essential role. But he had no intention of telling his brother.

"We don't sleep together. We're friends, that's all." He assured.

He wasn't really sure he could define Dean as his "friend" in the strict sense. He knew nothing of him and they never evoked his past or his family. But he liked to think they were a little more than two people traveling side by side because it was easier. He wanted to believe that Dean stayed because he enjoyed his company. Maybe he was imagining things. But it was more pleasant than to imagine that the young man chose to stay only for not having to look for someone else.

"Is he nice, at least?" Gabriel asked after long seconds of silence.

Castiel sighed, moving his face back of the glass. He seemed to glimpse something in a corner of the parking lot. He narrowed his eyes to try to see what it was.

"He is… He's so different from me Gabe. He is carefree and funny and… He lives from hand to mouth without worrying about the consequences. He's free… He doesn't want any attachments. It's… sometimes it's a little unsettling for me."

"Unsettling?"

Castiel watched two figures significantly coming up to the motel. He still couldn't see their faces or even if they were men or women. But he had a strange sensation in the pit of the stomach and an unpleasant feeling.

"He's very secretive… He never really talks about himself." He continued to give his brother a true picture of his traveling companion. "Sometimes I get the impression he's hiding something from me and that he's maybe on the run. Except I don't know what he may seek to flee."

"Does he scare you?"

It was a good question. Castiel didn't know how to answer it. He wasn't afraid that Dean may hurt him. He knew that his companion would have already acted out if it was his goal. But he couldn't wipe the idea that there was something he refused to talk about. Something grave and serious. Something that pushed him to hide his face when they were surrounded and that led him to choose the least crowded places when they stopped to eat. He wasn't afraid of Dean but afraid of what he didn't tell him.

"I know he means no harm to me. But I don't know what to think of his attitude and sometimes… he destabilizes me. I don't usually interact with people like him."

It was the whole truth. Castiel had never really had any friends and had never met anyone as mysterious as Dean. At the back of the parking lot, the two figures seemed determined to approach the motel. The young man followed them with his eyes and felt a shiver go up his spine when he recognized Dean. He was accompanied. By a man. When Castiel realized what that meant about the night activities of his companion, he felt his body react. He was incorrigible.

"I certainly don't wanna be like dad and give you the impression that I know better than you what ya should do but… be careful with him Cassie. I don't want to find you in a ditch with an ax in your back." Gabriel claimed.

Castiel knew that Dean wasn't a killer. He was at least sure of that. His life wasn't in danger with him. His heart, however… it was another matter. The young man watched his companion attract his one-night stand to his room. They kissed several times on the way. Dean was even pressed for a few seconds against the hood of a car, bent over as the man behind him was shamelessly rubbing against his ass. Castiel wondered one second if they were going to take action right before his eyes. But Dean eventually straightened up and grabbed his companion by the hand to attract him further. When they were finally out of his field of vision, Castiel turned his back to the window and walked to his bed. He collapsed on it and closed his eyes.

"I trust him." He assured.

He wasn't really sure of what Gabriel had told him or if he had asked him any question. But he felt the need to defend Dean. Although at this very moment, he hated the young man. He hated him for having forced him to witness once again his lovemaking with another man. To see what he would never have.

"I don't know how to explain it to you because I have no idea what drives me to believe in him without knowing him… but I know he won't hurt me. I know he's not dangerous. He is… he is everything I'm not Gabe. He saw so many things and have been experimenting and… it's a bit as if he had everything to teach me. He is so okay with what he does… with what he chooses. He's not ashamed. Not even of his likings…"

Castiel paused before saying too much. He certainly didn't want to mention what he had seen to his brother.

"His likings? Cassie, what likings?"

Gabriel had always loved to discuss about the gossips he heard here and there. He had a sixth sense when it came to feel whether or not people were hiding something. And he seemed to have guessed that Castiel hadn't told him everything. The young man could attempt to elude his questions, he knew that his brother wouldn't give up. He was like a dog with a bone. He would eventually get what he wanted.

"I caught him with a man a few days ago… behind the motel where we slept and he… Let's just say he likes to be submissive when he sleeps with a man… he likes being dominated and roughed up and it's strange because he is strong and independent and… that doesn't fit in with the character, that's all."

It wasn't all of course. But Castiel refused to talk about the effect that Dean's attitude had had on him. About the fact that he kept thinking about it constantly and he had masturbated several times while seeing the images in his head. It wasn't a conversation he wanted to have with his brother. To tell the truth, it wasn't a conversation he wanted to have period. Except maybe with a psychologist. Because he knew that his reaction wasn't normal.

"You're attracted by him?" Gabriel eventually asked.

Castiel put his free hand over his eyes to shield from light that was above him. He didn't know how his brother could read this easily in him without him having to say anything.

"He is attractive." He answered.

He couldn't lie on this. Dean was a gorgeous man. There was no doubt on this point. Castiel had caught several women and several men watching with want and desire. He was one of them. He couldn't deny that he was curious to know what the young man could look like naked. He was dying to know. But he would never act in this way. That was not what Dean wanted and Castiel wasn't sure to be ready for anything like that. He preferred contenting himself with the fantasies that populated his brain for several days. They were harmless.

"You're in love with him?"

Castiel hadn't expected such a question. And he had no answer to give to his brother. Because he refused to reflect on this for a while now. He felt something for Dean. Something more than physical attraction. He didn't know if he was in love with him or if he was just disturbed by what he had seen. He knew that the young man made him laugh and he loved to see him smile. He found him interesting, fascinating even, and intelligent. He loved spending time with him. But he couldn't tell if it was love or just friendship. He had no experience in the matter and he didn't know how to recognize signs. That greatly facilitated the task to him. He didn't have to wonder since he couldn't provide answers. But now that his brother had taken care of it for him, he had to admit that there were tell-tale signs. He was totally lost.

"I don't know Gabe… in all honesty, I have no idea. And it doesn't matter because Dean doesn't want any attachment… he doesn't want to settle down, or to commit himself to any relationship."

"But you love him."

This time, it wasn't a question but a statement. Castiel accepted it without trying to refute it. Gabriel was probably better qualified than him to know.

"Don't go on this way brother… you'd end up suffering." His brother advised him after a few seconds.

Castiel knew he was right. He knew that it wasn't reasonable to consider anything like that with Dean. He wasn't even sure of actually wanting it. He just wanted to enjoy a few months of freedom which he benefited to make new experiences and discover the US. He didn't need additional complications or feelings holding him back when he would need to move forward. He would eventually separate from Dean to join Gabriel and he didn't want to suffer from it. He wanted this trip to remain a good experience that he would remember all his life. For this, he had to scrap what he could feel for his companion and concentrate on what awaited them on the road.

"Promised… and thank you. I'm going to leave you."

Gabriel didn't protest and didn't insist either. He seemed to know what his brother needed and Castiel was reassured to feel his support. He wasn't alone and it was exactly what he had hoped when calling his brother.

"Have fun Cassie and call me to let me know your plans."

Castiel promised then they exchanged "good nights" before hanging up. Castiel then put his phone on the bedside table and turned on his side to face the door of his room. He didn't want to think about Dean and what he was probably doing a few meters away. He wouldn't let his body again have the upper hand over his good resolutions. But the conversation he had had with Gabriel had brought back his doubts and questionings. He didn't know what was appropriate to do next. He really enjoyed Dean's company. He liked that his companion shares with him his experiences and drags him where he knew there were things to see. He liked the companionship that had grown up between them. But he couldn't deny that the constant presence of the young man beside him was torture. He ended the days exhausted both physically and mentally. He gave in to his impulses systematically and he ended up hating himself for being so weak. He would have liked everything to be simpler for him. That wasn't how he had planned this trip. But despite all that was wrong in his head and in his heart he didn't envisage for a second to abandon Dean. He didn't envisage for a second not to continue to travel with him. His absence would be even worse than his presence. Between two evils, Castiel was determined to choose the lesser. He sighed and then glanced at his watch. It was late and he probably should have been sleeping to be on form the next day. But he knew he would be unable to fall asleep as long as his brain would be flat out. He finally got out of bed and pulled on his jeans over his pajama pants. He also put on his jacket then grabbed the keys of his room and went out. He immediately walked to the drinks machine and inserted a coin to buy a soda. Once he had retrieved it, he went back to his room. The fresh air was pleasant on his face and he could already feel his muscles relax considerably. He had always had a greater ease to think when he wasn't enclosed within four walls. He smiled weakly, thinking back to Gabriel and his unfailing support. He arrived at the door of his room when he heard laughters and voices a few meters from him. He turned in the direction of the noise and saw Dean and his one-night stand discussing before the door of the room of the young man. They seemed to have much fun. Castiel sighed deeply as the two men exchanged several quick kisses. Then Dean pushed his companion and shut the door in his face. The man remained motionless for long seconds before spinning round and moving away to the parking lot. Castiel watched him a few seconds before returning to his room and removed his jeans and jacket. He then settled back on the bed and took a few sips of his soda. He put the can on the bedside table and closed his eyes. When he felt sleep take possession of him, he made an effort to ignore that he managed to fall asleep when he was sure that Dean was alone again. He ignored what it could mean and let himself be overwhelmed by nothingness without trying to fight a second longer.