Mary

So, we got to Volterra, and… let's just say a lot of hysterical screaming went on. Sue was hyperventilating.

"Oh. My. God. It's the Volturi. I cannot believe this."

Aro looked at us, grinned weirdly and said, "Hello. You must be the Renesmee-haters. Welcome to Volterra."

Sue was so pleased at finally meeting Aro (he was her favourite character when we forced ourselves to read the books) that she ran at him, threw her arms around him, and knocked him to the floor. He was so shocked at being attacked by a teen fangirl that he just stood still (like stone… ha ha… geddit?). Marcus and Caius looked faintly amused – until she turned on them.

This was funny enough – imagine when Sue touched Aro's hand. It was honestly the funniest thing I have ever seen. I don't want to imagine what she was thinking at that moment, but it must have been fairly perverted, because Aro's head kind of snapped back, and the only expression on his face was shock. Sue laughed evilly and told him she enjoyed making him squirm.

But we didn't have any time to spare if we wanted to destroy the horror, and we got down to business right away. Marcus thought we should lay an ambush for it, Caius thought we should just open fire on it and its relatives in public, and Aro thought we should kidnap it and bring it back to live in Volterra, and force it to marry him, 'because it would be such a waste to destroy her'. This shocked even Sue's dirty mind. We always knew he was a pervert. But the rest of us agreed we had to get rid of the horror permanently.

The only question was – how? We couldn't really just attack it in public – we'd get arrested, which was not exactly on our plan. Marcus suggested we should send a message to it, telling it that the Twilight Saga had won the prestigious Book of the Century Award. (We made it up, but we reckoned that the horror would be so pleased to have won the prize that she wouldn't go too deep into it.)

There was another decision to be made – how many of the other vampires would we want to destroy? Obviously, Bella had to go, and Edward too. Sue and I wanted to leave Jacob, the Volturi wanted to 'murder all the wet dogs' (in Caius' words), but we told them that the flamethrower was ours and we would be deciding who got flamed.

Eventually, we drew up a list:

To destroy: The horror (Renesmee), Bella, Edward, Emmett (too strong to let live), and Jasper (too good at fighting).
To let live: Rosalie (we reckoned she'd come to her senses once the horror was gone), Alice (ditto), Jacob (who would get over his imprint and maybe fall in love with Leah!), Carlisle (a good vampire, apart from having created Edward), and Esme.

Aro kept going on about his plan to marry Renesmee, until we put superglue on his hand and glued it to Sue's. That shut him up.

We stayed in Volterra for three days, during which Sue managed to annoy Aro almost to insanity. Here's something I bet you didn't know – Aro has Facebook. I know. Pretty amazing, huh? And I thought my gran was up to date. But anyway, Aro kept going on Facebook whenever Sue was around, so he could pretend he was busy. This backfired on him when she saw him logging in, memorised his password, and then used it the next day to post I LIKE TO WATCH PORN all over his account.

Oh, and we cancelled his internet connection. He got a bit annoyed about that.

We 'acquired' free first-class tickets on a plane back to Seattle (Travel tip: it helps if the vampires you are travelling with have connections). Needless to say, the flight back was a lot more pleasant than the flight over. Even walking through an airport with three paper-white, red-eyed vampires and a huge bulky flamethrower-looking-like package was interesting.

We arrived back in Seattle, told Miss Drew we were back and our relative had mysteriously got better. The dim-witted woman didn't see anything wrong with our story and sent us out again, supposedly to photograph buildings.

We met up with the Volturi behind a department store. They had the flamethrower, and the fake invitation to the Book of the Century Award Ceremony:

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Your wonderful series, the Twilight Saga, has been selected for the Book of the Century Award. This prestigious award is only given to the best of writers, and we are delighted to tell you that you have won a gold trophy and a lifetime's supply of book vouchers.

The awards ceremony will be held at the Seattle Theatre at 7.00pm this Saturday. Please notify us if you are unable to attend.

Yours,

The Book of the Century Award Team

Renesmee

I had had a long talk with my family, and we'd eventually decided that it was time for me to tell the world the true story: how I was actually Stephenie Meyer. Although obviously we couldn't expose ourselves as vampires, I would tell the newspapers that I (still acting like my name was Stephenie Meyer – we couldn't reveal too much) was camera-shy and had decided to hire another person to act as myself, but had now decided to tell the truth. I'd make headline news of course – I could already see the headlines – 'Brave authoress tells public the true story', 'Stephenie Meyer revealed', 'Young Twilight author reveals herself to her avid readers!'. Mmmm… I did so love being the focus of things.

To be truthful, it was partly the discovery of those two horrid girls in the department store which had sparked this. But I had always been reluctant to let someone else take my fame, so, really, it was all my doing.

Mary

We sent the fake invitation in the post to Renesmee. It was now Thursday. With two days to go till the 'awards ceremony', we had to make our final plans.

Mana and I got up fairly early on Friday morning. Our focus for the day was people. Taking pictures of random people walking past was not exactly my idea of fun, but having been away for about four days in Italy, we had to catch up on the work we'd missed.

As we walked out of the hotel we were staying in, we saw a newspaper vendor standing outside. His papers read something like: 'Twilight shocker – fake Stephenie revealed!'

We looked at each other, then hurried over and bought one. It was a cheap, colourful tabloid, called the Seattle Star, with all the usual celebrity gossip inside (and spelling mistakes), but we turned straight to the Twilight article.

TWLIGHT SHOCKER!

Multimillionaire Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, has been revealed to be a fake! Yesterday, a 14-year-old girl went to the offices of the Seattle Star and revealed herself to be the writer of the awesome No. 1 bestselling series, the Twilight Saga. Miss Stephenie Meyer revealed that she was scared of crouds and had paid another woman to act as 'Stephenie Meyer'! Our celeb correspondent, Miss X, interviewed the shy teenager:

Miss X: So, Stephenie, why did you decide to tell the world the truth?

SM: (smiles shyly) Well, I was tired of pretending a lie. I thought it was only fare that my loyal readers knew the truth.

See tomorrow's paper for the full story!

We think your fab, Stephenie, whatever your like! We and our readers love you and Twilight!

Exclusive: Turn to page 13 for an exclusive Stephenie Meyer make-up look!
Turn to page 45 to win copies of New Moon!

We looked at each other, resolute. Renesmee had just made our job a lot harder – the paparazzi would be round her for weeks – but trust us when we say: she was going down.