After school, Sue Ellen waited outside with Lisa, anxious to visit her friend's house.
"I hope your mom gets here soon" Sue Ellen replied, "I can't wait to meet her."
It's my dad I'm more worried about you meeting Lisa thought.
Marge soon pulled up in the red station wagon and the two girls got in.
"So you must be Sue Ellen" Marge said, "what a pleasure to finally meet you. And what lovely hair you have."
"Thank you Mrs. Simpson" Sue Ellen replied "your hair is nice too, although I don't think I could get mine to stand up like that."
"It helps if you use a lot of mousse" Marge replied.
The two girls chatted all the way to the Simpson house. When they arrived, Sue Ellen quickly took the lead and ran to the door. Marge fumbled with the keys and they were soon inside.
"Well here we are, now let's go up to my room" Lisa said quickly, grabbing Sue Ellen by the arm.
"Hold on, let me look around a little bit" Sue Ellen replied, pulling herself from Lisa's grip. The girl wandered into the living room, where Homer was sitting on the couch.
"You must be Mr. Simpson" Sue Ellen said, "I'm Sue Ellen Armstrong, from Lisa's school."
"Ah yes, hello there" Homer replied, in a fake British accent "I am Lisa's father, a well-behaved gent who enjoys crumpets and never swears."
"Oh God" Lisa buried her hands in her face.
After exploring the rest of the house, Sue Ellen followed Lisa up to her room. "You never mentioned your dad was British."
"He's not."
After both girls arrived in Lisa's room, Lisa got out her Malibu Stacy's while Sue Ellen pulled something from her backpack.
"What a wonderful doll!" Lisa said, upon seeing it.
"This is Pema, she's a World Girl doll from Tibet" Sue Ellen explained.
"I think I heard about those" Lisa replied, "didn't their company go out of business because their supply didn't meet the demand."
Sue Ellen nodded "my friends Muffy & Francine and I went to the World Girl World and saw them being made" she explained "Muffy used to have a whole bunch but she gave most of them away. I'm sure she'd let you have one, if you asked nicely."
"I'll think about it." Lisa said, "It would be nice to have a doll that represents another country. "The closest Malibu Stacy ever came was the 'around the world' line. But it turned out it was just Stacy with vacation slides from various countries."
"Hello Malibu Stacy, I'm Pema and I'm happy to welcome you to Tibet" Sue Ellen said, moving her doll.
"Thank you Pema" Lisa replied, manipulating her doll "I look forward to visiting this great country, especially its' renowned Buddhist temples."
"May I offer you some milk from my yak?" Sue Ellen asked.
"Absolutely" Lisa replied.
Dinner soon arrived and the Simpsons took their places. Sue Ellen was seated in between Lisa and Bart.
"So, you're in my sister's class, huh?" Bart asked.
"Yeah, and you're in fourth grade. My friend Prunella is in that class, do you know her?"
"Crazy rat chick?"
"That's her."
"Yeah, I put a whoopee cushion on her chair today" Bart replied "man, you should've seen the look on her face."
Sue Ellen ignored Bart and turned to her hosts "this smells very good Mrs. Simpson" she said.
"Thank you, but it's just meatloaf."
"And delicious meatloaf it is, dear Margery" Homer replied, in his British accent "as wonderful as having tea with the queen, or playing cricket in Westminster Abbey with Elton John and Scary Spice. "
"Mr. Simpson, you don't have to speak with an accent to impress me" Sue Ellen said, "Lisa mentioned you weren't British."
"Oh, thank God!" Homer exclaimed in his real voice "I had to watch a bunch of Doctor Who episodes to perfect my accent. Man does that show suck!"
"So Sue Ellen, what do your parents do?" Marge asked.
"My mom's a homemaker, but my dad's a diplomat" the girl explained "so I've lived all around the world. I was living in Costa Rica before I moved to Elwood City."
"How exotic" Marge replied "we visited Brazil, but our trip wasn't that great."
"I'm sorry to hear that" Sue Ellen replied, "so Mr. Simpson, Lisa tells me you're an electrician."
"Pfft, I wish" Homer replied "no, I'm the supervisor of the new nuclear plant."
"My dad says that plant is dangerous" Sue Ellen commented "he told me that one meltdown could destroy the whole city."
"Probably" Homer replied "but there hasn't been a meltdown on my watch."
"There's been a bunch of near-meltdowns though," Bart added.
"Big deal, nobody died" Homer said.
Marge quickly decided to change the subject "anyway, while I was at the supermarket, I met the nicest woman. She's an accountant, and her husband's a caterer."
"A caterer?" Homer asked, "ooh, maybe we could get him to cater our next dinner party!"
"Homer, we don't have dinner parties."
"So, we'll invite a few losers together, then call him. I hope he knows how to make ham wrapped in bacon, that's my favorite."
"So anyway, this woman has a son about Lisa's age. So since Bart hasn't made any friends since we moved, I set him up on a play date tomorrow. Isn't that exciting sweetie?"
"Aw, mom why are you always setting up play dates with losers?" Bart asked.
"I thought you'd have fun" Marge replied "her son sounds like a very nice kid, and you could use some good influences, following your little food fight incident."
"Your mother's right boy" Homer added.
"Screw that."
"Why you little!" Homer yelled, and choked Bart, forgetting that they had a guest at the table.
"Homer, ixnay on the okingchay" Marge said.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Homer asked, and then remembered Sue Ellen was there "oh, my bad." He quickly released Bart; "you shouldn't use that type of language at the table son."
"Bite me."
"Why you little!"
The night wore on and soon the girls were preparing for bed. As they brushed their teeth, Lisa approached her friend.
"Look, I just want to apologize for what happened at the dinner table" she said "most of the time my family isn't so weird."
"It's okay" Sue Ellen replied.
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Well then, OK" Lisa replied and went back to brushing. Wow, I thought for sure she'd be freaked out by dad's actions, but I guess not. Maybe I was worried about nothing.
After a breakfast of pancakes and cereal, Marge drove the girls to school. Lisa was amazed that Sue Ellen said nothing about witnessing Bart being choked the previous night, but figured the girl knew it meant nothing.
But at lunch, it was a different tale.
"So he said 'why you little!' and started choking him" Sue Ellen explained "and then he only stopped when Mrs. Simpson told him to. Then he did it again, and something tells me this isn't the first time."
"What an awful man!" Muffy said "no wonder that kid is a brat. He's just acting out to cover his pain, or at least, that's what Dr. Bill said on last week's Hoprah."
"I can't believe Lisa would have an abusive father" Brain added, "why didn't she tell us about this?"
"I don't know, maybe she's scared" Sue Ellen replied "but we have to do something to get her away from that monster."
"We should tell Principal Haney, and our parents" Fern suggested.
"Good, and I'll talk to Lisa later" Sue Ellen added, "maybe I can convince her to speak out."
"You're such a good friend" Fern replied.
"I know."
The end of school came quicker than expected, and Arthur talked with Buster as they waited outside.
"So my mom set up a play date with that new kid with the spiky hair" Arthur said "and I'm really worried, cause I think he's gonna wreck my stuff."
"Just keep a close eye on him and don't let him near anything he could take home to the mothership" Buster instructed.
Suddenly, Bart appeared "hey, what are you guys talking about?"
"Nothing" Buster said, "certainly not any evil alien plans."
"I'm not an alien, long ears" Bart replied.
"I didn't say you were" Buster replied nervously "um, I gotta go Arthur, tell me how things work out" he added, before rushing off.
"So, I guess we'll be playing together later" Arthur said.
"I guess so."
"Do you like Bionic Bunny?"
"What the hell is that?"
Before Arthur could answer his mother pulled up. The two kids entered the car, with Bart getting in the back with D.W.
"Who's this kid?" she asked.
"I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?"
"Mom, he said a bad word!"
"Let's just try to be nice to our new guest" Mrs. Read said "and Bart, I don't like that kind of language around my kids."
"Damn it!" Bart replied.
"Mom!" D.W. yelled.
Mrs. Read only sighed.
Eventually they made it to the Read home, where Arthur & D.W. fought over the remote.
"It's my TV time, you got it yesterday!" D.W. said.
"So, I should get it again today!" Arthur added.
"Hey, shouldn't the guest get to choose the program?" Bart asked.
"I guess…"
"Great" Bart replied, snatching the remote and turning to Krusty.
"What's this?" Arthur asked.
"You're telling me you've never heard of Krusty the clown?"
"Not really."
"Ooh, I like clowns!" D.W. said, "can I watch?"
"I don't care" Bart replied.
"Well kids, looks like O.J's in the news again" Krusty said "with all his legal troubles, he should change his name to "Oh-no J." The clown waited for laughter from his audience, but there was none.
"What do you kids know about humor? You all think Spongebob is funny" Krusty replied "just enjoy Itchy & Scratchy ya bunch of humorless putzes."
After the opening title, the Itchy & Scratchy episode "Cleaving Las Vegas" came on. Scratchy was in a casino, staffed by various mice, and playing the slot machine. He pulled the lever and the machine came on three cherries and spilled out several coins.
"It must be my lucky day," he said, as he pulled the lever again. This time, he got three bells and even more money.
"This machine's really paying off" Scratchy said and pulled the lever a third time. This time, he got three Itchy heads.
"Huh?"
Before Scratchy could figure out what that meant, Itchy emerged from the machine, knife in hand.
"Jackpot!" he said, before stabbing Scratchy repeatedly in the chest. As the cat stumbled around with his wounds, he bumped into a dog playing craps and knocked off his throw. The dog growled and proceeded to beat up the hapless cat. He then tossed him into the roulette wheel, where he spun around and around, until landing on a nearby table. Itchy grabbed a sign that said "free buffet", resulting in the other patrons eating him.
Back in the Read living room, Bart laughed at the scene, while Arthur was more repulsed. D.W., meanwhile, ran out of the room screaming.
"Mom, mom, mom!" she yelled "the mouse, he killed the cat and people ate him and it was scary and…"
"What on Earth are you talking about?" Mrs. Read asked.
After a few minutes, the woman came into the living room with D.W. in tow.
"Young man, you may be a guest in our house, but I don't allow my children to watch violent programs" Mrs. Read began "either watch something else or you're not watching TV."
"Fine" Bart grumbled "hey four-eyes, you got a Nintendo or something?"
"Yeah" Arthur answered "have you ever played 'Dark Bunny: Curse of the Moomy'?"
"What is it with you kids and bunnies?" Bart asked as he left with Arthur.
Arthur: D.W. may be annoying, but making her watch that show was mean.
Bart: Hey it's just a cartoon man. Kids know stuff on cartoons isn't real. You don't see real kids making other kids' parents into chili or beating up giant chickens, or living in a world where everything is nice and nothing bad ever happens.
Arthur: That's true, I guess. (Angrily) Hey! Were you implying that nothing bad ever happens to us?
Bart: Ya got that right.
Arthur: Bad things happen all the time. Like when Buster moved away for a few months. Or when the Sugar Bowl was nearly destroyed. Or when there was a fire at school.
Bart: Let me ask you something, you ever have your city declared a disaster area and covered with a huge dome?
Arthur: No…not really.
Bart: Then shut it. Anyway, next time, Homer's accused of being an abusive dad,and finds out what it's like to live in a city without booze.
Arthur: Plus my family visits for dinner. That can't be good.
Bart: So read and review.