A/N Thanks for all your reviews! I'm away this w'end so there won't be an update till monday. Sorry! I've also changed the title to "This Curse That I Call Love." I think it works a little better, but please tell me your views! It's from the song "You Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack, and that whole bridge bit is beautiful. You guys should get the lyrics!

Chapter Four- Ray

"She was the one love of my life, and I let her go,

And if I look like death today, then please let her know."

- "I'm Waking Up To Us" Belle and Sebastian

Ok, god, fate, whatever. Funny joke. Now you can let me wake up. Because this can not be happening. She is not walking away from me again. The woman I love, the woman who made me a better person, the woman I can't live without is walking away from me because I'm a stupid, ignorant, twat. But I'm not really. Really I'm a kind, funny guy who shows her how much I love her, in real life I would never hurt her. So this must be some kind of... nightmare.

I pinched myself, but it made no difference except to make my arm hurt.

"Neela! Wait, please! I'm sorry!" I called after her but she just kept walking. She must really hate me -and I couldn't blame her. I couldn't believe I'd been such an idiot. I closed my eyes, hoping to wake up with her sleeping next to me. But no such luck, I was still standing in the corridor of the ER, and she had still gone.

I walked to the locker room in dismay. I didn't care about the patient I'd just left, I couldn't think about anything other than the sorry state of my life. One fight, one misunderstanding, and everything was falling apart. And there was one reason for that, me and my pettiness. Why hadn't I talked to her on the roof, she'd obviously come up there to talk to me. But no, I'd let my ego do the talking, I'd wanted her to grovel or something. But it was me who needed to be grovelling. I'd messed it up for both of us. I don't know what I was thinking, all that about pity, I don't even know. Alright, so I thought we could try for kids. Way to prove it by turning into a kid myself, right?

What the hell did I drink last night?

"Idiot, idiot, idiot," I muttered to myself as I walked to my new locker. My old one was still broken after my little fight with it, the last time I'd been annoyed with Neela. Seriously, this love thing didn't seem to bring out the best in me.

"Yeah, although I think I'd go for something a little stronger."

I turned and saw Abby standing by the coffee maker. "I blew it Abby, I fucking blew it."

"It's not blown yet, though you've gotten pretty close in a hell of a short space of time. You need to do some serious grovelling."

"She won't forgive me after the way I've treated her. I wouldn't forgive me."

"Neela's a better person than you."

I sighed. "Maybe... maybe it's for the best. I'm not good enough for her, she deserves someone like... Gallant."

She held up her hand, as if she was about to hit me, "I am going to kill you Barnett, if you do not go round to my apartment tonight and make this up to her. So help me, I will make you sorrier than you're feeling right now. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start thinking of how you can make this up. Neela chose you, alright? It wasn't a hard decision, and by hurting her you've made it even harder. You need to go make it easier."

I gaped at her. There was no sensible reply to that. "When did you become so wise, Lockhart?"

She shook her head, "A fine line you're treading there Barnett, very fine."

"Sorry, I just... you're right. Too right for my own good."

I opened the door to our apartment and let the silence fill the air. Was it only yesterday I'd woken her up with breakfast in bed? I went round, switching lights on -it was so dark. That was always her routine, go in, switch the lights on in the kitchen, the living room and the bathroom. Then the apartment would glow. It didn't seem to work when I did it. God, I'd only seen her hours ago and yet I missed her already. But I guess seeing her wasn't enough, I needed to hold her, touch her, kiss her. I stood in the hall wondering what to do with myself when there was a knock on the door behind me. I'd left it open by mistake and the guy who lived in the opposite apartment was there holding a letter.

"Um, hey, this got posted to me by mistake. You're Ray, right?"

"Huh? Oh... yeah. Thanks," I said, taking the letter from him. "See you around."

He nodded and walked off, I closed the door while looking at the letter. The handwriting looked familiar... but I'd never seen my name written in it, only Neela's. This was Michael's handwriting. I went into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, opening it.

Barnett,

I don't want you to think I give up easily, so I wanted you to know this is one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write. In fact this must be the seventh or eighth version, but these things had to be said.

First, I don't hate you. Alright, for a while I did but I've realised that, what happened between Neela and I, it wasn't your fault. It would have happened eventually, with or without you. I guess you were just the catalyst. I loved Neela, more than I've ever loved anyone, and that's what made me realise I had to let her go. I would do anything to keep her happy, and she wasn't happy with me. I hate the fact that I had to lose her, but as long as she's happy... I can try to be happy too.

I want you to tell her that I never meant to hurt her. I know I should tell her these things myself but, it's just too hard. I always wanted the best for her. I thought I was the best for her, but I know that we weren't right. She was never a soldier's wife, and I will always be a soldier.

Ray, I want you to make her happy. That's the only reason I'm letting her go, in the hope that she will be happy now. If you have any inkling of what a wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman she is you will do anything in your power to make sure she is always happy with you. I know you love her, I saw that years ago, and I know she loves you. She wouldn't have told me that she loved you, unless she was really sure of her feelings. Neela is not the kind of person to do things on a whim. I hope to god that you aren't either. Because if you hurt her, then all the hurt I've gone through these last few months will be in vain. I'm starting to work my way out of it, but only in the knowledge that we're both probably better off.

I'm posting the divorce papers at the same time as this, so you'll get them together. I know you'll support her through this. Even though it was the right decision, this is a hard time for her, because I know that once she did love me. I hope you know her well enough that I'm writing this for nothing, because you already know it, but Neela will be feeling guilty. I don't want her to be guilty for hurting me, she made the right decision, to do what she needs to do. Make sure she knows that.

One day I'll try to write her a letter, but right now I need you to tell her how I feel. Please do that for me. You're a lucky man, to have her love. Make sure you keep it.

Yours,

Michael Gallant

I slumped to the floor. I knew I'd hurt her, but I hadn't realised how much. I'd never thought that she would need me, like I need her. I never thought... I was a fool, an utter fool. I'd been so wrapped up in our happiness, that I'd forgotten what she was going through elsewhere. And I'd been upset when she said it was the wrong time. Of course it was the wrong time. I just... never realised. I'd always though I was the one who needed her, she was the strong one. I'd forgotten because she never let down her defences, she never showed people that she needed them. But I should have known anyway. I needed to support her, like she'd supported me. I thought it was enough that I could make her laugh, make her happy. But I needed to be there for her, when she said she needed me, and when she didn't. I wanted Neela to be my forever, but the only way I could do that was to understand her. And I wasn't sure that I did. Maybe... maybe we weren't right for each other. I thought we were meant to be, but if I didn't even know that she was hurting, feeling guilty... what good was I? I'd been right when I told Abby I wasn't good enough for her.

Neela thinks you are.

I shook my head, silencing the voice in my head that thought I had a chance. No, Neela left. She's realised what a pig I am, self-centred, arrogant. I never even realised it. I thought I was a nice guy.

I got up and went to the phone. I dialled Abby's number and thankfully the answer machine picked up.

"Hi, you've reached Abby, Luka and Jasmyn. Please leave a message after the beep."

I wasn't leaving a message for them. I knew I should say all this to her face, but I couldn't bare to see her. I couldn't bare to see what I was losing.

"Hey... Neela, it's Ray. I just... I had to tell you that I'm sorry. I know I should say this to your face but I can't see you, I can't see what I'm... losing. I... I know I've not treated you how you deserve to be treated. I never knew that you were sad, and that makes me an utter idiot. I was too wrapped up in being happy that you were with me, I forgot about... you. I'm sorry. I wish I could turn back time, and start this over again but... I can't. I've done some things I know you'll never be able to forgive me for. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I hope one day we can be friends again... I hope one day you will be able to forget the pain I caused you. I will always love you, Neela. I..." I trailed off, then added in a hoarse whisper, "I love you, Roomie."

I put the phone down and sat on the sofa, my head in my hands. I can't believe I'd lost her again. Only this time, I knew there was no hope. This time, it was forever.

A/N Wow, that was hard to right. Um, sad enough for you? I hope it worked and just didn't seem stupid but... yeah. Hope you liked. Please tell all in your reviews! And what thinks you of the new title? Do you prefer the old one?