Outsiders

We've seen some change

But we're still outsiders

(The Outsiders/Frantz Ferdinand)

IV

Alwaysy There

"You are not going back to Azkaban. I won't allow it. Do you understand? You'll be home by supper, I promise you," Remus said and released Pansy's tear-stricken face. It was painful to watch her being taken away by the Aurors. Painful and infuriating.

For a while, he lingered in the middle of the street, staring at the pavement and trying to make sense of what had just happened. Icy gusts of wind pounded into him, making his tatty pyjamas flap around his thin frame, but he didn't notice that. I didn't do anything wrong, rang in his ears, and he could still see Pansy's haunted look. She was right – she hadn't done anything wrong. Only half an hour ago, she had been cruelly attacked: he had seen her bloodied lip and bruised cheek. Thank Merlin he had interfered, because he didn't even want to think what could have happened if he hadn't. But instead of being treated as a victim, she had been unceremoniously dragged to the Ministry for questioning, without any regard to her physical or psychological state. It seemed so wrong to him, so unjust that her Azkaban past had automatically placed her under suspicion.

Foolishly harbouring a slight hope in the victory of logic, he had attempted to reason with the Aurors. Alas, they hadn't cared. That wasn't anything new. He had seen that kind of attitude before, and apparently things hadn't changed after the war. Prejudice was still alive and well in their new world. The Aurors' indifference and his helplessness made him so bloody angry that he let out a deep growl into the black sky. Of course, the air swallowed it, and the clouds continued on their lazy journeys. Defeated, he turned around, walked up the steps, and almost destroyed the doorknob by tugging it too hard.

Pacing the narrow corridor, he tried to calm down, but the scene that he had just witnessed was making him ill. He didn't know which was worse: the sorry excuse for a wizard who had tried to assault Pansy, or the Aurors who had taken her away. As usual, it wasn't long before he had convinced himself that everything was his fault. Why hadn't it occurred to him that it wasn't safe to let Pansy go out shopping on her own? He should have known better. During the three weeks she had been living with them, she had never left the house. Why hadn't he realised that the outside world was dangerous for her? He'd thought that her playing with Teddy only in the courtyard had been just a matter of convenience. It should have been obvious that she was afraid of something. Alas, he hadn't paid any attention, and now, because of him, she was in danger. Moreover, he had given her a promise, and he hadn't any idea how he was going to keep it. He halted, raked his fingers through his hair, muttered, "Idiot," and began to pace again.

Eventually, he decided that pacing wouldn't help anyone, and went to the kitchen, where he made himself a cup of tea. It was still too early to go to the Ministry, and he thought that he had plenty of time to work out a plan. Naturally, however, somewhere between the second and third sips of his tea, Remus heard the patter of little feet on the wooden floor. A few seconds later, Teddy, his hair bright purple and eyes wide, appeared in the doorway.

Standing up and smiling, Remus opened his arms and said, "Good morning, lad. Did you sleep well?"

Teddy ran to him and, grasping his hand, began to pull him towards the corridor.

"What is it?" Remus asked, following his son. Teddy stopped in front of the open door to Pansy's room and pointed at her empty bed.

"Oh." Remus rubbed the back of his head. "Pansy just went shopping. There is nothing to worry about."

Teddy's face fell, and Remus noticed a telltale glint in his eyes. Oh no, he thought and picked him up, pressing his warm little body to his chest. "I know, Teddy, I know. She'll come back, I promise," he muttered into his purple hair.

Teddy raised his face and gave him a long inquisitive look. Peering into his son's blue eyes, Remus felt his heart tightening painfully. There was so much wariness in them. A three-year-old wasn't supposed to look at him like that. But people kept disappearing from his life, and it was only logical that Teddy didn't believe him. Remus' eyes began to sting. He cleared his throat, kissed Teddy's forehead and said again, "I promise. Please believe me."

Teddy held his gaze for a moment longer, but then, to Remus' relief, his round face broke into a cute smile, and his hair slowly changed, first into light lavender, then into its normal blue. The boy giggled and gave his father a sloppy kiss, the kind that only toddlers know how to give. Remus laughed, though his throat still felt constricted and his eyes still stung. "Come on, mate," he said. "We need to get dressed. We're going to see Aunt Molly today." At this, Teddy began clapping and squealing with joy. "See, I knew you'd love that!"

Teddy nodded with enthusiasm and, pointing at Remus' shoulder, made swishing noises.

"You want to fly?" Remus said. In answer, Teddy's hair turned bright orange. "Let's fly, then!" Holding the boy under his stomach, he began to spin him around. Teddy's giggles filled the house, and a sudden sense of peace filled Remus' heart. Everything will be all right, he told himself, looking at the happy face of his son. We'll be all right.

Two hours later, somewhere around eight o'clock, Remus arrived at the Ministry. The knowledge that Teddy was being looked after made it easier for him to focus on the task at hand, though, to be honest, he had yet to decide where to start. He disliked the Ministry with its crowded corridors and bureaucrats running amok, and only visited it when there was no alternative. He could count on the fingers of one hand how many times he had gone there in the past three years.

Now, making his way through a frantic morning crowd, he felt completely out of his element. To go straight to Kingsley seemed wrong and presumptuous. He had never asked for favours before. But he had given his word twice already, and there was no turning back now. In the end, he decided to see Arthur first, in the hope that he would be able to help him or, at least, give him some pointers. Thank Merlin, he knew exactly where to find him. In any case, with Arthur he felt more at ease. Avoiding the most congested areas, he began to move towards the lifts.

"Remus!"

Turning around, he saw Kingsley towering over the crowd, waving and walking towards him. For once pleasantly surprised, Remus stopped, waved back, and watched everyone else politely stepping aside, allowing the Minister a clear passage.

"So glad to see you," Kingsley said in his rumble of a voice, when there were only a few feet between them. "Long time no see. I think the last time we met was at the Victory ball." By now, he was close enough to shake Remus' hand.

"Glad to see you too, and indeed, it's been a while." Remus shook Kingsley's hand with genuine warmth.

"How are you? How is Teddy? Tell me, how have you been?"

"I … we ..." Remus faltered, noticing how interested everyone around them looked. Suddenly, the idea of telling Kingsley about his family problems in public became unattractive. Dozens of curious eyes that focused on him was making him increasingly uncomfortable. "We're all right, thank you," he managed eventually.

Kingsley frowned and narrowed his dark eyes. "Come on, let's go to my office, where you can tell me how you've really been," he said and beckoned Remus to follow him into the lift.

After a moment of hesitation, Remus nodded and went with him. Perhaps, he thought, everything would be easier than he had expected. Fortunately, Kingsley didn't ask any more questions until they reached his office, which surprised Remus by being brightly lit and airy. Once the Minister had sat down behind his mahogany desk, Remus was forced to answer a barrage of questions about Teddy, Andromeda, and himself. It took him a while to convince Kingsley that he and Teddy were doing all right, and that Andromeda was receiving the best possible care. All that was true. Since Pansy had appeared at his door, they had been doing fine. Up until this morning, that is.

"So what brought you to the Ministry? And at this hour?" Kingsley said, gazing at him thoughtfully.

Remus sighed, raked his hair and then cleared his throat, while Kingsley patiently waited. "Well," he finally said, "after Andromeda fell sick, I needed someone to look after Teddy."

"Yes?" Kingsley prompted.

"I found a nanny, and we were doing fine." Remus stopped and cleared his throat again. "Early this morning, she was assaulted near our house. I was able to stop the attack and rendered both attackers unconscious. I called the Aurors."

"So everything was done correctly, and the attackers are in custody."

"Yes." Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. "The problem is that the Aurors also took the nanny in for questioning, and against her will."

Kingsley frowned. "That doesn't seem quite right. What was the reasoning they gave you?"

"They didn't comment, and trust me, I did ask. I believe it had something to do with her past." A wave of anger engulfed Remus once again.

Understanding seemed to dawn on Kingsley. "Who is your nanny, Remus? What is her name?"

"The name is Pansy Parkinson. In any case, I don't see why she was treated like a criminal this morning. She didn't do anything wrong. She was the one who had been attacked, and those Aurors didn't even try to treat her civilly or as a victim."

Kingsley shrugged. "Well, you have to agree, they had every reason to be suspicious. She'd been in Azkaban."

Feeling even more livid, Remus stood up and leaned towards Kingsley, placing his palms on the desk. "I don't. I really don't think she should have been sent to Azkaban in the first place. They were all just kids, for Merlin's sake. Tell me, Kingsley, is that what we were fighting for, taking an assaulted girl to the Ministry for questioning? Is this it? Is this our new shiny world? Because if it is, frankly, I'm disgusted."

The Minister also drew himself up and boomed, "No, it is not. However, in order to keep our population safe, we had to act. Yes, we may have been too harsh to some of them, but we were still at war, and it was no time for gentleness. Some of those so-called kids were Death Eaters. They killed people. Do you remember?"

Remus slumped back onto his chair. Kingsley walked around his desk and leaned on it across from him. "I understand your disappointment. But you don't know all the factors in these cases."

"It still doesn't make it right. At least in this particular instance." Remus looked at the wizard. "Please, look into it."

"You know, I think I will. Right now." Kingsley stood up and went to the door. "Wait here. It shouldn't take long." With that, he left.

After the first hour, it was clear that Kingsley would take a while. In any case, it was definitely long enough for Remus to start thinking about the events of the morning again. He kept torturing himself with the same question. Could he have prevented all that occurred? Sitting in the Minister's office and analysing the past three weeks, he realised that he hadn't been fair to Pansy. Indeed, he had hardly treated her any better than those Aurors. Somehow, he had fallen into the habit of accepting her work without acknowledging her, almost without talking to her. Yes, at first, he hadn't wanted to make her uncomfortable and had wanted to give her space. Still, she had been living with them for three bloody weeks, and he hadn't asked her a single question. It hadn't occurred to him that maybe she had needed help, friendly advice, or just a sign of sympathy. She was alone in the world. He should have known exactly how she felt, and yet he had chosen to remain cold and detached. He didn't understand how he could have behaved that way. Had he not trusted her enough? No, that didn't make sense, since he had trusted her with Teddy. Had her energetic presence been unsettling to him? He didn't know why it had been easier for him to just ignore her.

Suddenly remembering the way her body had shuddered in his arms, and how her tears had soaked his pyjamas, he whispered, "Oh, Merlin." Feeling ashamed of himself, he sprang to his feet and began to pace again. For the last three weeks, he had been a callous git. That much was clear. All that will change the moment she returns, he promised himself, and sat down, covering his face with his hands. Why was he always making so many mistakes?

The sound of the opening door interrupted his session of self-loathing. Kingsley came in with a smile.

"Everything's been taken care of. The Auror behind this door will take you to her, and the two of you will be able to go home straight away."

Remus sprang to his feet, but the Minister stopped him.

"However," he said, "there are a few things. First of all, even though it was made clear to those two bastards that they will lose their place in the team if they ever go near Parkinson again, I can't guarantee anything. Unfortunately, I can't go any further, since I couldn't persuade Miss Parkinson to file charges against them. No matter what I said, her answer was no. Maybe you will be able to persuade her to change her mind."

Remus shook his head. "I'll try, but I'm not sure. I don't think she trusts our authorities."

"Yes, I can understand that. Still, you should try to talk to her about it."

"I will," Remus said, extending his hand for a shake. "Thank you for your help. I truly appreciate it."

"Yes, but there is still one thing …"

Remus tensed.

"You probably should supply miss Parkinson with a new set of clothes, since her current one consists of stolen items."

Remus collapsed on a chair. "What?"

Kingsley sighed. "I don't think she had any choice, Remus. It doesn't matter. Just find her new clothes. Also, if, by any chance you have a spare wand, perhaps you can lend it to her. It will make her life much easier."

"I … I didn't know she was allowed to have one." He couldn't believe it hadn't occurred to him to offer her his spare wand.

"She is. I suspect that she lost her wand in Azkaban, and wasn't able to buy a new one."

"I'll do it tonight. Thank you again." This time both of them extended their hands simultaneously, ending their meeting with a warm handshake.

"You're very welcome." Kingsley smiled. "Please let me know if you need my help with St. Mungo's. And keep Miss Parkinson off the streets, will you?"

"I will."

Remus hurried to a foyer where the Auror was waiting for him. After a brisk walk through the labyrinth of corridors, they stopped at a plain wooden door. The Auror silently opened it, and Remus stepped inside. Unlike Kingsley's office, this room didn't have charmed windows and was dimly lit. Nevertheless, he saw Pansy right away. Although a chair stood right beside her, she was sitting on the floor with her forehead on her knees.

"Pansy," he called.

She raised her head, and their eyes met. "Professor," she said. Jumping up, she ran across the room and threw her arms around his neck. "Remus," she whispered into his coat, "you're here."

Awkwardly shifting from one foot to another, Remus confirmed the obvious, "I am," and added, "I think it's better if we get going."

Pansy let go of his neck, drew back, and, not looking at him, with her cheeks ablaze, agreed, "Yes, it is."

After a few seconds of hesitation, he took her hand in his and said, "Let's get out of here." Pansy nodded and allowed him to lead her. Five minutes later, they were at the Apparition point. Keeping her hand in his, he said, "Ready?"

She smiled and boldly stepped in closer.

Closing his eyes, he pressed her slight body to him and Side-Alonged them home, although the way her arms circled his waist didn't make it easy to focus. Perhaps that was the reason why he hastily untangled himself, the moment they landed in the kitchen.

Pansy let out a sigh and gazed around. "Where's Teddy?" The concern in her eyes caught Remus off guard.

"He's with Molly. I'll pick him up tomorrow morning."

"Oh … I'll make the tea, then," she blurted and immediately picked up the kettle.

"Please allow me." Remus took the kettle from her hand and gently pushed her into the chair. Soon two cups of tea were ready, and he sat down across the table from her. "We have to talk," he said, watching Pansy warming her hands on the cup.

"We do?" She focused her brown eyes on him.

"Yes. We do."

They did. He asked her to tell him everything he needed to know to keep her safe, and anything she wanted to get off her chest. She told him about Azkaban, about her parents, and about the baker's son. She didn't cry, but her voice grew quieter with every new detail, with every new loss. At one point, he reached out and covered her hand with his. It was the least support he could offer her. After she finished her tale, they ate his chocolate and drank tea with Firewhisky, because tea alone simply wasn't enough. He offered her one of his wands, and that was when she started crying. It took him a long time to calm her down, but he managed, by telling funny stories about his youth. Then, when exhaustion had overcome her, he walked her to her bedroom.

"Good night," he said, opening the door for her.

"Good night." She nodded, but when Remus turned to leave, she called him, "Remus."

"Yes?"

"Next time, it will be your turn."

"My turn?" Remus frowned, not quite grasping her meaning.

"Yes." She smiled. "I told you my story, now you ought to tell me yours. You know… to keep you safe and stuff."

"Oh," he chuckled. "Fair enough."

"Is it a promise?"

"It is."

"Good." She drew a content sigh. "Well, good night, then."

"Good night," he said, and once again turned to leave.

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for being there for me," she whispered, stepped inside, and closed the door.

Staring at her closed door, Remus muttered, "You're very welcome," and went back to the kitchen to finish the bottle of Firewhisky. It had been a hell of a day, and he needed a bit more alcohol.