Author's Note: This chapter is kind of odd, in the fact that it shifts tone-wise very quickly. It starts more focused on the Doctor and River finding info on Clara, but soon becomes more about River's fatigue and pain (which was hinted at in the first chapter before she saw the Doctor) and how she tries to keep this from her husband. When you're reading this, especially try to keep in mind the heartache that River is facing as a result of her parents deaths, and how far that might push her if she tries to hide it long enough. She's quite vulnerable, like she was when the Doctor healed her wrist in TATM, but at this point, even more so.
After hearing that last bit, the Doctor couldn't help but stiffen. The gears of his alien mind turned at rapid speed.
Lee Harvey Oswald. Oswin Oswald. Clara Oswin Oswald.
"Doctor?" His wife's calm tone ushered him out of his mental-thought process.
"Hmm. Oh, right; yes, dear?" He snapped his head back up, turning to face River.
"I said, 'what do you think of that?'" River's finger pointed to the description on the screen.
"Oh, well, I don't know, really. Coincidence?" Running his hands through his hair, the man in the bow tie tried to sound confident, but as usual, failed atrociously.
"A coincidence? That's all you have to say?"
"Well, what more is there to say? It's probably nothing. I mean, Clara and JFK's murderer just happen to have the same last name and a connection to the 23rd of November. So what?" His hands flailed about in the air as he explained his reasoning.
"What's that you've always told me? Never ignore a coincidence?" She chided, making her point all-too-clear.
"Unless you're busy." The Doctor finished, his thoughts flashing back to a Roman Centurion and a long-ago conversation beneath Stonehenge. Best not think of that, he told himself, wanting to avoid the darks depths of despair he'd been living in ever since he'd lost the Ponds.
"We're not busy, dear. In case you haven't noticed, we're looking for Clara Oswin Oswald, a woman twice-dead, with virtually zero records of background available, so I'd say any sort of connections must be important. If we want to find her, we can't afford to be negligent. And yes, I do realize that it could be nothing, but after the whole 'winter is coming' incident, I'd wager that this is at least worth a look-in. So, I'll ask again, 'what do you think?' And don't tell me 'coincidence' because I saw your face just now and I know that's not what you were thinking." River's green-tinged eyes nagged at his hearts, giving him no choice but to answer.
"Okay. Okay. Let's see…" By that point, the Doctor had begun his pacing. "Same last name. Same date. Different people. Different year. 1963, you said? Hmm…1963, what's so special about 1963?"
"Isn't the whole 'police-box' exterior of the TARDIS circa 1963? As I recall, you tried to blend in during that year and the TARDIS chameleon circuit got stuck on the phone box setting."
"Yes, yes, that's true. But does it mean anything? Is it just a coincidence or connection?" irritation filled his voice as he continued his spiel.
"Well, if it is a connection, then I'm almost certain this all has to do with you. What if it's like the 'winter is coming' message; maybe this is someone or something's way of attracting your attention. Or maybe it's a warning." That last suggestion came out rather quietly, and River sounded a bit unsure of herself.
"A warning? Against what? And how would that be possible anyway?" he mumbled incoherently, more to himself than his wife.
"How I am supposed to know? Just throwing out suggestions here. But given your past history, I think we may be onto something."
"Hmm…a warning? How could it be a warning?"
"Didn't you say that Oswin was a Dalek, when you first met her? I'm assuming she tried to exterminate you, am I right?" River broached the subject calmly, hoping that the suspicions she began to have were of no real value.
There was a brief pause, and the Doctor's expression grew grim.
"Yes… She did try to kill me. But she was forcibly turned into a Dalek, her humanity stripped away from her; it wasn't her fault." He started, almost sounding defensive.
"I never said it was. But do you see the possible connection, here?" she eyed him beseechingly, her expression terse.
"What, that Clara, or Oswin, as she was then called, tried to kill me and failed, and Lee Harvey Oswald tried to kill President Kennedy and succeeded? Are you really suggesting that Clara is a murderer or a weapon against me? Because you of all people should know I've been there, done that. Plus, everyone in the universe thinks I'm dead. The Daleks don't even remember me. You said it once yourself, I deleted myself from every databank in the universe. You're one of the only people who knows the truth. So I don't see how that'd work."
"I'm not suggesting that, of course not. But…I can't help…can't help but wonder…what if there's something dangerous about her? All this mystery…what could it all be leading up to? As much as I'd like to think this is all just a big coincidence, my gut instinct tells me it isn't." Shuddering, River Song tried to keep her voice steady.
For a moment, neither River nor her husband spoke, both clearly in deep thought.
"You're worried about me, aren't you?" the raggedy man realized, his gaze immediately falling on his wife.
"I…just…I…y-yes. Maybe. A bit. Sometimes you just…I don't know. I…I worry about where you might end up. Not just …not just because of Clara…just in general. My mother's last charge to me was to look after you, and I fear that I'm…I'm not doing such a good job." Her eyes strayed away from his, then, and she found herself staring down at the floor below, her cheeks growing slightly red.
Sensing River's seriousness, her husband stopped his pacing, suddenly moving closer towards her, his hand finding hers in a matter of seconds. His thumb stroked her palm soothingly as if to speak the words he could never say aloud.
She felt her breath hitch in her throat, an eerie sense of comfort sweeping her body at her husband's silent gesture.
"River…" the Doctor's tone was heavy, laced with concern, and as much as she wanted to listen, she knew that this really wasn't the time for a serious conversation.
Turning her focus intently on her portable computer, the Doctor's wife pretended to act enthralled by whatever was on the screen.
"Riv—"
"Right, then, I doubt we'll get much done standing around here. Sweetie, why don't you go take my computer and download the info on Clara to one of the TARDIS databases? While you're doing that I'll go into the TARDIS library and see if I can find any other info. Now that I have some idea of what to search for, we might actually find something of use." Without sparing him another word, River hastily thrust her scanner in his hands, allowing him no time to protest.
"Wha—wait. River?" he squeaked, confusion etched across his face.
She stopped dead in her tracks, her back stiffening, shoulders tensing.
"Yes?"
"Are…you…Did I…I mean, are you feeling all right?" his fingers scratched his cheek.
"Yeah. Of course. I just thought that we might get a bit more done if we split up…you know…It won't take very long." She promised, briefly forcing herself to meet his sorrow-filled eyes.
"Okay. Right, I'll just…I'll just be…on my way then…" River heard his voice taper off, and took this as her cue to leave, keen to be out of his sight.
Making her way out of the blue-tinted console room, the curly-haired woman wandered through a vaguely familiar hallway, halting once she managed to find the library.
To be honest, she couldn't help but feel somewhat surprised, seeing that it hadn't changed at all; the rows and rows of books still lined the extravagant- looking room, the beloved swimming pool still shown mid-center, the ceiling still towered magnificently high above her.
How long had it been since she'd been in here? The thought circled through her mind, and with a pained hesitance she remembered. After Manhattan, this was where she'd spent so much of her time, where she slaved away on that book, where she'd gone to escape the unbearable silence that had drifted between her and her husband for days on end.
But that's not important, right now. I need to get to work.
With that, River perched herself on a rather comfy chair, eying the digital screen before her, which oddly enough bore a striking resemblance to the one she'd been using earlier at the Luna University.
Sighing, she placed her fingers on the top of the desk, waiting for the digital keyboard to appear.
Even as she did so, she couldn't help but notice the way her hand was trembling, her skin having gone quite pale.
It's nothing. A voice in her head rationalized, but the more she pondered it, the more she realized just how mentally and emotionally exhausted she felt, how appealing sleep would be.
Her headache from earlier returned, and she groaned, placing a hand to her temple.
Come on, just do something…you're the one who suggested this in the first place. If you don't go along with it, he'll get suspicious.
Pressing on, the woman who'd survived so much continued about the task she'd assigned herself, typing in whatever key words came to mind, hoping to goodness she could get herself together before her husband returned.
About an hour later, a very sweat-drenched, paranoid Doctor burst through the doors to the TARDIS library, his wife's small computer clutched in his hand.
After one hasty glance, he recognized the unmistakable figure of River Song, who sat on one of those amazingly-comfy chairs that he'd had the TARDIS install ages ago.
"Oh, good, River, there you are! I've been looking all over for you. Finished downloading the stuff a while back…just couldn't seem to find this room. Seems the Old Girl kept switching everything around…trying to…" Pulling up a seat next to his wife, the man in the bow tie stopped speaking, recognizing the look on River's face instantly. "River…?"
Her eyelids flickered open and closed and she seemed startled for a moment, as if she had only just become aware his presence.
"What…yes?" her voice came out more groggily than she anticipated. Clutching the lenses of her Harry –Potter-like glasses, River shielded her eyes.
"Making progress?" the Doctor asked, furrowing a brow in question.
Snapping herself back into reality, the professor of archaeology answered her husband's inquiry.
"Not much, to be honest." She continued wearily, her voice sounding drained. "Looked through the TARDIS' current files on police boxes, going off of the whole 1963 idea. Just seeing if there might be some connection to where Clara is now." She drew his attention to the screen.
"So?"
"Like I said, I didn't exactly get anywhere. But I did notice something that might be useful or else completely rubbish. I know this is absolutely ridiculous and far-fetched, but have you ever noticed the words, 'St John's Ambulance' on front of the TARDIS?" she whispered, slightly apprehensive.
"Well, yeah, of course, you know, after walking past those doors for so long, I was bound to…wait, what does that have to do with anything? Those words aren't just on police boxes; they're often used with medical organizations and vehicles…"
"Will you just let me finish? That's what I'd originally thought, too, but something told me that if police boxes are what connect you to 1963, then perhaps 'St John' might mean something. But I didn't get much beyond that." Her hand adjusted her glasses yet again, as if to help her focus.
"Okay…well, I downloaded all the data on Clara from your computer, so you should be able to access it anywhere in the TARDIS databases, now." He informed her, hoping she might actually turn to face him. "River…"
"Alright, let's see then…" she started, her fingers quickly moving to the keyboard-like instrument.
But before she could even type a coherent word, her husband grabbed her hand.
"Ah, ah, ah. Oh, no you don't." He spoke with authority, forcing her to meet his eyes.
"Sweetie, really, we have to…"
"No, River, don't try to distract me. We can deal with the research later. Right now, we need to talk. For starters, why did you tell the Old Girl to hide this room from me?" His grip on her hand tightened.
"What? Who said I ever…"
"I may be old, River, but I'm certainly not stupid. So don't play games. I know the only reason you suggested we split up was because you were trying to avoid me. Why?" his tone was high-pitched by the end of that sentence, revealing just a fraction of what he felt.
He hoped for a reasonable response, but instead his wife just turned her focus to the screen, ignoring him altogether.
Another beat of silence.
"Alright, if you're going to be like this, then let me approach it a different way. River, when was the last time you slept?" his fingers rubbed the back of her hand, beckoning her to answer. "And don't you dare lie to me."
A pause.
"I…I'm not sure. Days? Weeks? Months, maybe?" she muttered it so softly he was surprised he could even understand what she was saying.
"Months? River, that is absolutely ridiculous! You may be part Time Lord, but you're also part human. Enough so that you need to sleep at least once every few days. You can't just go without sleep for months, that's terribly unhealthy." His hand began to shake as he continued speaking.
"Yeah, says the man who sleeps only a few times a year." River shot back, pain and anger in her voice.
"That…that is different and you know it. My body is capable of doing that. Yours isn't. So, would you care to explain why you've allowed yourself to become this physically exhausted?"
"Doctor, I'm perfectly fine. I'm not exhausted at all. I've been helping you just fine ever since you arrived, haven't I?" she reasoned, trying to get him to let the situation alone.
"River, the only reason you've been so 'awake' up to this point is because your body was running on pure adrenaline. You were just falling asleep when I walked in a second ago, and that's only confirmation of the suspicions I've had since the moment I saw you walk into your flat. You're beyond exhausted." The truth of his words unnerved her, giving her an uneasy feeling.
"It doesn't matter. Like I said before, I'm fine, Doctor, and you asked me to help you, so here I am…"
Pulling River firmly into his arms, her husband caught her off guard.
"What, what are you do—"
"Come on, you're going to bed." The Doctor explained, tightening his hold on her.
But her immediate reaction was to struggle, for fear of that if she slept the awful memories of a night long gone by would resurface yet again.
"No. Doctor, stop, I can't sleep. I have too much to do, research, grading papers...there's no time for…"
"Then we make time. You are going to sleep. And that is final. Don't make me force you." He warned, growing frustrated.
"I'd like to see you try." River managed to humor herself despite the situation, though she soon grew strikingly quiet.
Her husband barely flinched at that, clearly not in the mood for exchanging innuendoes.
"River!"
Knowing he only had her best interests at heart, River grudgingly submitted, despite the fact that she could've easily knocked him out in a heartbeat if she'd felt the need to.
"You can let go of me, now. I'm not a child you know." She intended to sound confident, but instead it came out more pitiful than anything else.
"Of course not." He found himself drawn to her, stroking her hair fondly.
"Then why are you treating me like one?" she snapped, glaring at the Doctor, a sadness present beneath the angry façade.
"I…I…I 'm just looking out for you. Can't you see that? I know you think it's your responsibility to take care of me, but can't a husband take care of his wife once in a while, too?" His watery eyes stared straight into hers, showing just how much it hurt him to see her like this.
Her jaw tightened, and she didn't answer, instead intent on veering down the hallway to their bedroom.
"River…"
It wasn't until they reached the room that River finally spoke.
"I'm going to change." She mumbled, voice sounding vacant and empty.
He nodded, propping himself on a chair beside the bed, before proceeding to remove his shoes. After that, he simply sat there, his hand pressed against his cheek as he waited, finding that he was also quite tired, having not slept since right after he'd lost the Ponds.
About five minutes later, River stepped back into the room, a long, surprisingly modest nightdress covering her body.
The Doctor nearly commented on how gorgeous she looked, but changed his mind as soon as he caught a glimpse of her tear-streaked face.
Without another word, his wife thrust herself in the bed, before pulling her body beneath the covers and turning off the small light on the bedside table.
And she didn't even acknowledge him. Not a word. Not a single goodnight. Nothing.
She sniffled as quietly as possible, though her husband could hear her all too clearly. His hearts ached in his chest. Maybe he had gone about this the wrong way. Maybe he should've just let her be and waited until she dropped dead of exhaustion. Maybe he should've ignored the situation altogether and just kept on with the research.
His hand rummaged through his hair and he couldn't help but feel a burdensome sense of guilt. He didn't know for sure why River was really so against sleeping, but he had a feeling that it had to do with him.
The more he listened to the sound of her crying, the harder it was to bear.
Sensing River's need to be alone, the Doctor straightened himself, moving to his feet and beginning his trek back to the console room.
"Doctor…" her voice barely rose above a whisper, so quiet, so mousy, so unlike the River he knew. Whatever had done this to her had eaten her from the inside out.
His hearts clenched at that sound, and his throat tightened as he tried to respond.
"Yes, dear?" he asked as kindly as he could manage.
"I…I …don't want…to be…alone." River's broken plea pierced him to the very core. The fact that she was even admitting this spoke volumes to him about the pain she kept hidden from deep within.
Slipping off his purple frock coat, the Doctor soon climbed into bed beside River, having left the remainder of his clothing on.
"I would never do that to you." He whispered to his wife, his breath warm against her ear as he pulled her into a loose, innocent embrace. "Goodnight, River."
And there she lay, silently, secure in her husband's arms, as she drifted off to the sound of his heartbeats, fighting the terror that she feared would return to her dreams, clinging to the Doctor with every ounce of strength she had left, until she became lost in the sea of darkness she'd been avoiding for some time.
Note: Just so you know, I intend to explain more about why River is so upset in the next chapter. I know it's quite a shift from how she normally acts (for sure), but this is my attempt to explore how much her parents deaths and the Doctor's depression may have affected her. I also plan to go into more about the whole 'St John' reference, seeing as this is a lead in to The Bells of St John. Hope you enjoyed it.
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