Chapter 4: The Epic Conclusion.

Note: The narrator of this story has just committed suicide; I now attain custody of his paycheck and smokin' hot wife.

" . . . mhm . . . yes . . . oh, yeah, baby . . . uh huh . . . yeah, you take that Harry Potter book . . . humph! Vasoline! . . . Vasoline!"

In case you were wondering, Arceus is watching the porno that Ash made with Misty who was dressed up like Jesse (may her breasts rest in peace.) They couldn't find a shark fin or a back waxer to use as a wig, so they used Joan Rivers as a substitute. Surprisingly enough the quality was outstanding. Misty still only had one fuctional tit, but Arceus didn't seem to mind as he fapped and fapped and fapped. I really don't know how it's masturbating. Please don't ask me to describe it.

"SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!"

At that spoiler, Arceus orgasmed the greatest orgasm in the world. Ash's house became a TastyKake filled with vanilla cream in less than a second. White fluid oozed from the windows and doors. It was like a tidal wave of jizz.

"EEEEWWWW!!!" Misty groaned as she rid her entire body of Arceus Juice. "Even I can't stand this much bukkake."

Ash stood motionless in the midst of the torrential deluge. After a moment he gathered a great big mess of splooge on his index finger and inserted it into his mouth. "Tastes like Filet Mignon drissled with kangaroo piss."

"Ahh . . . " Arceus lay down on its back, its cock still erect (which touched the cieling by the way.) It used its psychic powers and shit to make a cigar float over to its mouth already lit. To make sense of proportions, it had to be a Cuban to get some satisfaction. Then it fell asleep and never called me back the next day.

"Ok, so the porno you made was pretty good." Arceus said as he made his dick disappear.

"Yeah," Ash wiped his nose, you know, like when people are so proud of themselves that their nostrils itch like motherfuckers, "I was thinking of giving it to Hugh Hefner before his bitches snap him like a twig."

As a side note here, Microsoft Word did not underline the word "Hefner" or give me any spelling suggestions . . . that tells ya a lot.

Arceus arose adamantly and asked an aardvark an aquisition. Why the fuck did I type that? "Unfortunately, you failed to perform what I requested. I know full well that you burned Jesse to a crisp and used Misty as a replacement.

A giant exclamation point appeared over the two children's heads.

"Oh my god, Snake. METAL GEEEER!" Misty shouted.

"Enough is enough!" Ash protested. "I've had it with these monkey-fighting referencs on this Monday-through-Friday fanfic!"

"Do I look like a bitch!?"

Ash continued "How the fuck did you know?!"

"Ah, bitch please . . . " Arceus boasted. "I'm fucking GOD in this universe. I brought Mel Gibson's masterpiece What Women Want into this world, and I can surely take it away if I so will it."

Don't judge me . . .

"Oh well, I tried . . . " Ash put up his hands, leik wen anny-mae karakturs giv up . . . ok . . . I'll stop now.

Misty wasn't about to give up as easily as she plainly showed by strangling Ash's neck. "YOU BETTER FUCKING FIX THIS, OR I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE I DIE!!!"

"Duck Sause!" was all Ash could spurt out as his neck was being strangled.

Arceus, now wearing a suit and tie (don't ask,) sat down on a rubber duck. "Well, I can't blame you for killing Jesse . . . since you're retarded . . . so I'll give you another option."

Misty released Ash's throat. He panted and then pissed his pants "Shit!" Then he shit his pants. "Piss!" He pissed his pants again. What the fuck do I have to do now?

"It's simple really. Just give your father a great big man-hug." Search google images for imhappyplz to know what Arceus looked like as he said this.

"Simple? SIMPLE?! How the fuck is that simple?! My father has never been shown in the series. I don't even know who the fuck it is!"

"But he has been on the show. Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

Ash massaged his breasts like John Heller does sometimes to make his friends feel uncomfortable. "All I'm feeling is the shit and piss running down my leg, so just fucking tell me who the fuck it is."

Arceus now took on the image of the ya srsly owl "It . . . is . . . GIOVANNI!"

"BULLSHIT!" Ash blurted.

"Wow. He used all three font styles all by himself. I'm so proud of him . . . I mean . . . scared for my life. Help?"

"Nope sorry, he's your father, like it or not."

"Oh yeah? Prove it cumbugger!"

Arceus revealed a collection of Birth certificates, DNA tests, family photos, and a book entitled Giovanni is Ash's Father by John Heller.

Ash pouted. "It'll take more than that to make me stick my hand up the koala bear's ass, so they say."

"Who the fuck said that?! Look, you can believe it or not." Arceus was now on a treadmill while OKGo was playing. "All you have to do is show us you're not afraid to get up close and personal with a manly man who shaves his pubes every Tuesday."

"Didn't need to know that, but I'll fucking do it!" That's what she said . . . I mean, what Ash said. Misty was too busy in a leather sex suit getting whipped by Pikachu.

" . . . ergh . . . nngh . . . bllrt . . . Ripples . . . fgsadl . . . "

No, I'm not just having fun with the keyboard . . . well, ok, I am, but regardless of that, the point is, Giovanni was sound asleep in his lovely penthouse . . . gym when he started having nightmares. And I don't mean the ones with Mewtwo and the compact discs.

"Gah!" He jerked off . . . I mean up from his laying down position . . . and became erect (what a dirty sentence.) "Wh-what's going on!?"

"Perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsian?"

Giovanni looked perplexed. "Well, if it's not my pussy giving me the heebie jeebies, then what could it be?" The gym leader/criminal mastermind gasped when he saw the ghosts of TAAHFT floating above his bed. "How'd you three get in here!?"

"Well, boss . . . " James began, "it all started when I was but a wee lad . . . "

Jesse punched his ghost balls. "What retard number 1 is trying to say is that we're kinda . . . maybe . . . a lil' . . . perhaps . . . dead."

Giovanni stared at them for a moment, and then wet himself. "OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!" He fell to the floor in his Pussy-cat Dolls pajamas, and doubled over in laughter. "It happened. It really happened! Dreams do come true! AHAHAHA!"

"PERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSHHHHHHAAANNNNN!" said the not dead cat rioting on its backside.

"Oho, tell me . . . Giovanni wiped a tear of joy from his eye, "to whom do I owe the service of getting rid of you all?"

"We was killed by dat twerp we told yas about, Ash Ketchup!" said the dead cat.

"Ah, I see. That means he shall arive shortly."

"What do you mean, boss?" James said in a squeaky voice, covering the void where his sperm pouches used to be."

"Nothing that concerns you . . . " Giovanni looked at the clock. "Three in the morning . . . I must get ready."

"B-but, what about us!?" TAAHFT asked.

"Oh, don't worry . . . " the gym leader said with an "I took a shit on your mom last night" smile, "I have the phone number for a 24-hour exorcist."

So yea, the morning came . . . the sun's shining and stuff . . . I kinda gave up a little inside . . .

"Fat and Spicy's the way I like it!" yelped Ash, brushing his teeth and combing his hair. Remember kids. Stay in school, don't do drugs.

Misty was blowing up a balloon to put in her shirt. "AGH! I can't blow it up enough!" It popped.

"That's a shame . . . " Arceus said, now wearing a tutu, drinking cofee, and reading the newspaper, while watching Oprah. "Delia, my dear, could you spot me?"

"Sure!" said the mother, as she rubbed herself against the deity's body.

"WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!" Arceus spilled the last of his java on his paper. "I wanted more coffee, not your whore-self on me!"

"My bad." She poured him another cup.

Arceus shook his head. "Me only knows where that body was last night, Stripperella . . . "

Get it? It's a God pun . . .

"AL-RIIIIIIIIIGHT!" Ash bellowed as he jumped down the flight of stairs, slipped on the last step, and landed on his neck. I just watched some chick peg a dude, and I'm ready for some full-on hug-fucking!"

"Excellent," Arceus lit his tutu on fire and returned to his godly manners. "My ship sails in the morning. I wonder what's for dinner."

"Oh, boy!" Pikachu said . . . wait, what? "I'm so hungry I could eat an octorok!"

Ash kicked Pikachu into a wall. "SHUTUP!"

"Let us go to Viridian city, young trainer. We have much to accomplish, and . . . " Arceus hooked up a PSTriple "little time to do so."

"Ok, but you're going to teleport us there, right?" Misty asked while stuffing some books down her shirt.

"Silly trainer. TRIX ARE FOR KIDS! I mean, I do not know the move teleport."

Ash was taken a back. "Then how did you get here in the first place!?"

"With the help of Chuck Norris!" Arceus countered dramatically.

Touche'

"Well then, what moves do you know?"

"Let's see." Arceus pulled up the start screen, selected Pokemon, and then clicked on himself. "Oooh. Look at those base stats! Okay, I have Cosmic Power, Punishment, Natural Gift, and Judgement."

"Hmm . . . " Ash pondered. "Do you have any berries?"

"Let me check." Arceus bent down and looked at his underside. "One and two . . . and three"

"Okay, we'll get rid of gay Cosmic Power. Good thing I got this TM by fucking one of the clerks at the Pokemart!"

Ash, the gay faggot booted up a TM. It contained Teleport. Teach Teleport to a Pokemon?

"No, I want to fucking eat it. OF COURSE I WANT TO TEACH IT, YA BITCH!"

Fuck you.

"BALLS!"

Which Pokemon would you like to learn Teleport?

"Arceus, Goddammit!"

. . . We're sorry. Arceus cannot learn Teleport.

*Pure silence*

"WHAT THE SHIT!?!?!?!?" Ash screamed at the top of lung. For more info, look up John Freeman on youtube. "What do you mean his ass can't learn teleport!? What kind of pureed bullshit is that!? Like hell you're sorry!" Ash shook the disk, because that's what TMs are: discs. Apparently a disc is a machine.

You're right, we aren't sorry. So suck it duckweed!

"AGH!" Ash pointed at Arceus. "This is your entire fault. If you were fucking God, you should be able to learn every move!"

". . . You're right . . . " Arceus shed a tear. "I'm so ashamed . . . " *Spotlight on Arceus*

"There, there . . . " said Delia. "It happens to the best men I've fucked . . . "

"AND YOU!" Ash pointed at . . . ME!? "Why did you base this fic on the games and not the anime?!"

Hey, I only do as John Heller commands. According to him, having more than four moves is cheap. Dumb-ass.

"HOLY EGYPTIAN CARD GAMES I FUCKING HATE THE WORLD!" Ash was crushing his head from a migraine the size of Prof. Oak's prostate.

"Um, Ash?" Misty chimed in. "If this is based on the game, why don't we just walk? I mean, it can't take more than 5 minutes."

"And walk through the tall grass without repels so I can get swarmed by weak-ass Pidgeys and Rattatas which I don't want to, because I could kick their ass in a single attack, but they don't let me choose what fights I have, so I'll have to try running away, but it'll fail like fifty times until I have to fight, adding more gay to this fucking parade?" Ash replied to himself calmly. "No." He turned to the bemoaning Arceus with bloodlust. "Instead, I'm gonna force-feed this TM up your FUCKING ASSSSSSSSSSSSS-HOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLE!"

And . . . he was serious. He pounced Arceus, and proceded to shove the CD up his ass. George Lucas was barking and foaming at the mouth as he ranted: "MORE MOVIES! MORE STAR WARS! NEVER LET IT DIE! BEAT THE DEAD HORSE!"

Eight o'clock A.M. Do you know where your kids are?

Well, Ash and Misty made it to Viridian. If you give two shits how, after 2.5 hours of off screen anal rape, Ash got the TM to work using the rare candy trick. Don't ask how. I think I saw Action Replay get shoved up there as well.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ash breathed in and out. "Nipple piercings!"

"Pikachu!" said the fucking rat.

Ash glared at Pikachu and stomped it with his foot. "Who the fuck said you could talk? This is my time!"

Arceus, who was sweating bullets after his abuse heaved, "You're running out of time, you young bastard."

At this, Misty's second breast (the only functional one) deflated, because that's what happens when you have breast cancer. Your boobs pop. "AHH!" She grabbed Ash by the throat. "You better fucking find your asshole of a dad and hug the shit out of him!"

Ash shoved grass and dirt into her mouth. "Hold your goddamn herpes, woman!"

"Oh my ME!" Arceus made another god-pun. "I feel like I delivered a Dragonite backwards."

"Yeah, but it was definitely better than walking, am I right?" Ash but up his hand, and gave that smile you give when you farted, and people start to smell it.

". . . Fuck you kid." Arceus scoffed.

"HEY! You can't say 'fuck'! This is a family oriented fanfic!"

Everyone got a good laugh out of that one.

"AHAAHAHAHAHAAH!" Came a laugh different from the group. This came from the Viridian City Strip Club . . . er, I mean gym. This laughter came from, you guessed it, Giovanni.

There he was, in the glory of fireworks and topless dancers. "Yes, it is I! G. O. Vanneee!"

"Dammit!" Ash cursed still hoping for Kevin Bacon.

"Now, young trainer!" He jumped from his thrown to the ground, pointing his finger at Ash, but missed the gymnast mat below as a result, and broke both of his legs. "AGH! GAH! OH, MY, ARCEUS!"

"You rang?" said the pokemon.

"UUUUUGH, IF I WASN'T IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN RIGHT NOW, I'D CAPTURE YOUR RARE ASS!"

Arceus sighed. "Yeah, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one."

Giovanni bit his lower lip to ignore the pain. "Alright, fuck the pomp and circumstance! Just give your father a great big hug, dammit!"

Ash felt a bit queasy having a middle-aged man ask him that with legs and bones jutting out in impossible directions. He looked to Misty, a bitch who would kill him if he refused. To Arceus, the one who told him this bastard was his flesh and blood. To Pikachu, the one he wished to return to Wal-mart. He had to make up his mind. Ash walked closer to Giovanni, knelt down to his level, and opened up his arms to embrace his father, when suddenly . . .

"DENIED, MUTHA-FUCKA!" Ash slipped back at the last minute and let Giovanni fall to his face.

"Why, you little shit!" Giovanni cursed.

"YOU ASS-TARD!" Misty cursed.

"KAAAAAAHHHHN!" Arceus cursed . . . wait, what?

Ash got back on his feet. "You think I actually believed Giovanni was my father!?"

"HUUUUUH?" All three said at once.

"Don't you think I watch the 4kids anime? If Giovanni was my father, that means he left me alone with my mom. By that logic, 4Kids would have killed her off long ago because 1 parent families are bad for children.

In all seriousness, I wish I was shitting you, but what Ash just said is the honest-to-Arceus truth. That's what happened to Brock's mom. If you don't believe me, look up Pokemon WTF on youtube.

"NO!" Giovanni yelled. "He found us out, Arceus!"

"Impossible!" Arceus was now wearing glasses. "How could I, the god of all pokemon be denied?!"

While the creature lamented, and the trainer gibed, Giovanni whispered to his Persian. "My precious, we must not let ourselves be defeated in this way!" He pulled a bomb out of his pocket. "You know what we must do."

"SQUADALAH!" The Persian replied, taking the bomb in his mouth. He snuck up behind Pikachu, and shoved the bomb up the rat's ass. When he felt his sphincter get violated, Pikachu blasted Persian to hell with thunder.

Ash stopped his fit of laughter. "Wait. Since I proved you wrong . . . does that mean the universe is fucked now?"

"No," Arceus said as he teleported away with hemorrhoids, "it just means that instead of saving Misty, I'll make her spontaneously combust."

"OHHHHHHHH SHIIIII--!" Misty mimicked John Heller before bursting into flames. She melted faster than I did that one time at Wendy's. Man, I tasted like water then . . .

At that instant, Pikachu blew up into a million pieces.

"AHH!" Ash Shouted "I'm so mad I gotta kick something!" Seeing on the ground what he mistook for a yellow beach ball, he accidentally kicked Pikachu's head into a wall. It spurted out so much blood and gore that it seemed like 4Kids was the opposite of what it is now. By the way, their dubbing Elfen Lied next.

By then, Ash realized what he had done. "N-NO!" Tears flew endlessly down the trainer's face. "Now how am I supposed to return this fucker to Wal-Mart with him all dead and shit." With insurmountable rage, he crumpled up the receipt, which totaled about $2.37, and threw it to the ground. This was an intense moment. Like when Goku went SS3 (No, not SSJ3. Why the hell would I type that extra letter just because the Japanese pronounce it different?) You could just hear "Down With The Sickness" playing in the background as Ash's rage was unleashed in one simple, yet dirty word: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

The end! Well, I may make a bonus chappy! Please review =P