"So this is it. E.T. goes home," Dean mumbled taking a swig of beer. I glanced over at him wishing I could do anything but nod, anything to reassure the pain from his face. I realized I hadn't been there for him when he needed me and now he wasn't ever going to see him again. I was probably his only friend and he couldn't even depend on me. It wasn't fair. His life wasn't fair. I sipped from the beer bottle myself and laid my hands on the bar table. The least I could do was try and make Dean feel better. Humans as far as I could tell responded well to good memories, so I shared my best one with Dean.

"Do you remember when I went on that hunting trip with you and I had to dress up as the F.B.I.?"
"Oh hell yes," Dean laughed, "You showed your badge upside down and then you started talking about demons and angels to the police officer. I was so pissed. Oh man..." Dean trailed off. "Oh god, that was the day you were so sure you were going to get smote by Raphael, so I took you to that stripper place to get you laid. Still a virgin aren't you?"

I nodded.

Dean chuckled while shaking his head, "If only we had more time. I would make that happen. I don't suppose you're going to get any action up in heaven?"

"No Dean. That would be blasphemous."

"Angels are no fun."

"By definition," I stated simply.

"And that stripper's name was Chastity. Jesus, that was ridiculous and then you talked about her father and we were so busted we had to run out of there. That might have been the greatest day of my life. I hadn't ever had that much fun with anyone, not even Sam. I remember that."

"That was a good day."

"Do you remember when you were watching porn and then started talking about it? Which, now that I think of it, we shouldn't even be talking about but I was so fucking disturbed but when I saw the way Sam was taking it I just thought it was hilarious. Not that I would've ever brought that up. You were such a baby. A baby in a trench coat."

"I still resent that comment."

"Doesn't make it any less true."

"It probably didn't help much that I didn't realize what I was watching. Only now I understand that they didn't even actually love each other."

Dean laughed struck by another memory, "Haha, and then when Meg kissed you you fucking attacked her. I remember thinking there was something seriously wrong with you until you said you learned it from the pizza man. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try it out but I remember being horrified that you of all people were willing to test it with Meg, a demon."

"I'm very fond of that memory," I shot back, displeased that Dean seemed to have found it humorous.

"Of course it is! When else have you ever kissed a girl like that?"

"Remember the day we met?"

"Yep. You were such a hard ass for a while there. I absolutely hated you to be honest. You were similar to a robot, had no desire to help us, and yet you kept interrupting our lives. There was a good long while I'd wished more than anything that that knife I'd stabbed into you would've done the job. Did that hurt by the way?"

"Terribly, actually. But I've always been one for being a little dramatic. It wouldn't have had the same effect if I'd sunk to the floor holding my chest or even whimpering. You would've jumped on that. Instead I had you scared out of your mind which was more of what I was going for."

"I was not scared," Dean insisted.

"To hell with that. You were terrified, at least until I calmed down and just started talking at you. Then were just confused, you didn't understand why some angel would care whether you were alive or dead."

"I still don't."

"I admit at the time my intentions were far from admirable, but I would still do it knowing what I know today because it got me a friend and a sort of freedom I never expected or never even thought existed."

"You know," Dean began, "Even though we've been through some shit and a ton of it had to do with crappy decisions you made I wouldn't change a thing either, I mean unless some serious shit goes down tonight. If Sammy dies, I might not forgive you, but other than that I'm glad you saved me too."

I sighed and leaned on the bar table already mentally exhausted with the thought of Sam dying or really anything going wrong. There were so many opportunities whether I closed heaven or not where it could go wrong. And that was just based on what I knew about Sam's illness which I couldn't even begin to heal. "Thanks for bringing that up," I groaned.

"Sorry," Dean whispered, "I just can't think about anything else. We were having fun, weren't we?"

"Still could."

"Alright, nerd angel, give me one more."

"There was the time when I yelled assbutt at Michael before throwing that hell fire at him."

Dean burst out laughing, splattering a mouth full of beer all over the bar table. The bar tender gave us a intense glare before wetting a towel and swiping up the mess. But Dean hardly noticed, he was still laughing and it got to the point where I could see tears building in his eyes. I laughed some, more at the realization I had no idea what was so funny, and waited for Dean to wipe away the tears and slow into the occasional hiccup of laughter. He sighed and put his hand on my shoulder, "That, my friend, was your finest moment."

"That day was kind of all our finest moments in one. Only that would've got Sam back."

"I sounded so stupid, too when you said that. I was like Assbut? Seriously? Who the fuck even says that, when I should've been trying to come up with a plan besides driving up in my Impala with music banging and hoping to god Sam would just randomly appear."

"That was possibly the worst plan ever invented, I'll admit."

"The world was gonna go up in flames anyways. Who cares?" Dean laughed again and this time I joined in. Just thinking back on how screwed up our lives had been and how even more screwed up they were now, left room for an ironic laughter. I gripped his shoulder and reluctantly stood from the bar table. "I think I see cupid," I said pointing over to a girl who had just hooked up two men, "We're out of time, Dean."

"So I won't ever see you again."

"No," I sighed, not ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ever ready to say goodbye to Dean which is why I never did. Dean reached for my hand and pulled me into a fierce hug similar to ones I'd seen him give Sam. I gripped him hard and maintained the hug until Dean began to pull away. He cleared his throat a bit afterwards and walked with me out of the bar. I started walking towards cupid when he pulled me back for a brief second.

"Can I ask you one last thing in case this is the last moment we ever get to talk?"

"Yeah."

"What was the most painful thing you ever did?"

"Listening to you prayers every single night Dean and not doing anything about it. I kept telling myself I shouldn't care, thanks to Naomi's brainwashing, but I did. And every day when I heard your voice I was paralyzed. Naomi could do nothing to me, like the connection was broken, and I was incapable of following orders. And I would just sit in one of her white chairs, drowning myself in my aching heart and your aching words until I hated myself because it was what I deserved."

"It's not your fault."

"Thank you."

"Wanna know something?"

"Sure Dean."

"I thought it was gonna be taking that archangel on so we could get out. I mean, being killed by an archangel couldn't have been painless."

"It was awful, but I was doing it for you Dean. It could've been much worse because at least I was doing it for the right reasons."

Dean took a deep breath and said, "My most painful memory, besides the times of lost Sam, was realizing I'd let you get away from me. I'd just failed another person I loved because I wasn't paying close enough attention and looking out for you the way I should've been. Just think, we wouldn't be here now if I'd just..."

"It's not your job, Dean. That's a part of free will as I see it. People make mistakes and you have to let them. Promise me Dean that no matter what that you try. You try to find that way to keep surviving and try to get past all the bad stuff that happens because the world is one lucky place to have you in it."

"Shut up and give me another hug, you asshole." Dean pulled me in, ruffled my hair a bit, and then shoved me towards cupid. "Good luck, man."

"And you."

I strolled away and glanced back to see Dean shoot me a smile. It wasn't reassuring, it was frankly kind of depressing but I was pleased he was even making an effort because walking away from each other now just didn't feel right.

"Dean?" I yelled.

"Yeah?"

"Are we good?"

There was a long pause and I was worried it would never feel right, but then I could see him give me a thumbs up and yell back, "Yeah, man. We're good." I smiled, knowing that might be just enough to get me through eternity.

Remember When-Avril Lavigne

Remember when I cried to you a thousand times

I told you everything

You know my feelings

It never crossed my mind

That there would be a time

For us to say goodbye

What a big surprise

But I'm not lost

I'm not gone

I haven't forgot

These feelings I can't shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I'm not coming back around

These feelings I can't take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It's getting harder to pretend

And I'm not coming back around again

Remember when...

I remember when it was together till the end

Now I'm alone again

Where do I begin?

I cried a little bit

You died a little bit

Please say there's no regrets

And say you won't forget

But I'm not lost

I'm not gone

I haven't forgot

These feelings I can't shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I'm not coming back around

These feelings I can't take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It's getting harder to pretend

And I'm not coming back around again

Remember when...

That was then

Now it's the end

I'm not coming back

I can't pretend

Remember When

These feelings I can't shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I'm not coming back around

These feelings I can't take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It's getting harder to pretend

And I'm not coming back around again