Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!
Isabella (The December Project)
NOTES...
On the writing of this chapter: Not much to say. These are really taking forever. They do say "dying is easy, comedy is hard," don't they? You've been warned, Anyway, thanks so much for all your amazing encouragement. This is why I love you.
Sorry this one is lacking a bit in the humor department. I had to work some story in somewhere. :P
On dedications: The fourth chapter to awesome reviewers and the "few" of you fluff-lovers out there.
On you pressing the review button: See the previous chapters. I can't ask for more. You guys are awesome.
On me owning Bleach: Poor Ichigo would be even more tortured than he is now if I owned Bleach. No one wants that! Save the Ichigos and never let me own Bleach!
Chapter IV: Chappy II's Egg-celent Adventure in Rukia's Shirt
Hours later, Rukia had finally recovered from her second act of filicide of the day and was finally asleep in her closet. She'd taken hours to calm herself enough to finally drift off. She had decimated three full tissue boxes before collapsing. Ichigo wondered if girls just retained more water and had to find some way to release it all at once. That might explain the phenomenon. Rukia could have been her own personal fire department.
If nothing else, he was smart enough to know not to deal with an emotional woman, especially where her "babies" were involved. Only after she was out cold did Ichigo dare extract the eggs from her grasp.
The white egg carton was luminous on his desk, glowing in the moonlight out of reach of dangerous teachers and hungry sisters. Now if only he could get them out of Rukia's reach. That shouldn't be too hard, since he estimated her height at around four feet. The problem was, she was a conniving, evil, maniacal genius. If she wanted them, she'd get them.
Only ten of their twelve remained. If they were careful, they could still probably pass. Maybe he could sell his soul to Nomura for a C.
Finally, Ichigo gladly took the opportunity to collapse onto his bed and stretch lazily. Life was always a little bit more difficult with Rukia around. Maybe it wasn't all bad. At least he slept better. Exhaustion could do that to a guy.
He settled down at long last and drifted off to dreams of terrifying chickens and a more terrifying midget shinigami.
Rukia woke hours later and looked around the room, stopping to gaze guiltily at the carton on the desk. It was making her sick just to think about her poor lost baby. She had named him Chappy IV. All her babies had names, including the first casualty, Mr. Happy Pants. There was even Ichigo, Jr.
Ichigo, Jr. was the one that looked the grumpiest. She called him a "bad egg," mostly because when Ichigo and Renji had decided to fight their ultimate battle (of bad egg puns), Kuchiki Rukia had been listening intently.
She slowly made her way to the desk, careful not to disturb Ichigo, Sr. She opened the box and ran her fingers over the smooth, cool surfaces of the ten remaining eggs.
She lifted out Chappy II. He was closest to Chappy IV and obviously in great pain. After a good five minutes of cooing at the distraught egg, she decided it was time for both of them to go back to sleep. Lucky she had such quiet babies. Inoue had warned her that often new mothers couldn't sleep through the night.
Her phone, sitting closest to Ichigo's head, gave a deafening chirp. Then another.
Ichigo sat up quickly. If he caught her with one of those eggs, he would surely employ one of the vicious methods of death that could befall the eggs to destroy her. She could see it now. Rukia… sunny-side up.
Rukia panicked and shoved the egg down her shirt. Kon had never in his life been so jealous of another inanimate object. Of course, there was no time or means for him to complain as Ichigo shoved a hand down the stuffed lion's throat to fish out the pill that would free him from his body.
Rukia, on the other hand, couldn't seem to find any means to do the same.
"Come on, Rukia." Ichigo hissed, crouched in his window. He jerked his head in the direction of the hollow. "Don't bother."
Since several months ago, when Ichigo had accidentally taken out half of the city's most prominent building ("It came out of nowhere!" he'd argued.), Yamamoto-taichou had ordered that Rukia must accompany him to supervise. That didn't mean she actually had to help.
She hesitantly climbed onto his back and the two were off into the night.
It didn't take long before they happened upon the hollow in question. It was wildly chasing a young woman down the street. She quickly jumped behind a dumpster as Ichigo landed lightly between woman and hollow. Rukia climbed off of his back and stood impatiently by the sidewalk.
"What do you think, Rukia?" Ichigo called back with a smirk on his face. They'd had a running game for a few weeks.
"Five," she answered smugly.
He looked mildly insulted. "One would be easier, but five it is." Ichigo jumped after the hollow. The first crescent arc slashed through the monster's arm. It howled furiously and came back more fiercely than before. Kind of like Rukia.
Damn. He should really focus. He tried to put Nomura's face on the hollow, but pure evil just couldn't seem to fit into any other form. Not to mention, he knew he'd have this hollow's ass whipped in three seconds flat if not for the rules of the game.
Anyway, he figured that cutting a teacher's head in half would definitely be on the list of "Things That Might Get You Expelled," right between breaking into the girls room to steal panties and dressing up as the mascot to spray-paint rap songs onto the principal's car.
"That's one. Speed it up!" Rukia hollered impatiently.
The hollow whipped its bony tail and growled. Ichigo took all of two seconds to give him an identical matching wound in the opposite arm. "Two."
The third slice cut through his chest. The hollow stomped a huge foot, sending the entire ally shaking. "Thr-" The frightened woman bolted out from behind the dumpster with a small shriek. The monster caught sight of her in less than a step.
The razor-sharp tail shot at its prey. Ichigo was too preoccupied with an arm to see the tail. Rukia caught it first. As she pushed the dark-haired lady back behind the dumpster, the stray appendage caught her in the chest.
With a sickening crack, she collided with the opposite wall. Only then did her companion notice. With one furious stroke, he cut the hollow's mask clear in half. In one more stride, he had reached her.
"Rukia?"
She laid still against the wall.
"Rukia!"
There was no answer.
/.end chapter
Endnotes: Ooh, suspense. Sorry for a bit of a cliff hanger, but honestly, it's a comedy and do you really think I would hurt my lovely Rukia? Drop a line, tell me if you enjoyed it.