"Yeah, yeah, he can be a fucking cute kid when he tries, seriously. G'night, bitches. Er... Deidara-chan, what the hell is a bipolar?"
Everything went well during that night... till 4 AM, when Kakuzu lazily opened his eyes and...
"Nnghh... What happened? It looks like I slept for ages, and I'm hungry..." Kakuzu's thoughts were flowing, as he felt a very familiar fabric underneath his hands. "It's my bed... But... I can't see anything! I can't get up! It's dark in here... Where's everybody? Hidan! HIDAN!"
Unfortunately, Kakuzu couldn't voice his thoughts properly, because he was still a baby, so all he could do was crying desperately. "Nyeeeeeeeeeh! Nyeh, nyeeh, nyeeeeeeeh!" That was enough to wake Hidan up.
"Shit..." The Jashinist said, yawning, still with his eyes closed and slowly getting up. He turned on the light, walked towards Kakuzu's bed like a zombie — he wasn't completely awake — and picked up the baby, who was glad to see his partner.
"Hidan! Listen, I'm hungry! Give me something to eat, my tummy hurts... Did I just say tummy?" Hidan headed to the kitchen, cradling the crying baby Kakuzu as if he was a sack of flour; Zetsu was at the table, having a glass of tea.
"Oh, hi, Hidan, waking up so soon? What's with the screaming brat?" The albino said nothing, he just shoved the baby into Zetsu's arms and walked back to his bedroom, mumbling.
"Don't cry, Kakuzu, be a nice little baby and... Shut up!" Zetsu rocked Kakuzu back and forth.
"Zetsu... I want my breakfast!" All Zetsu could hear was Kakuzu's piercing cry. "Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! Nyeeh, nyeeeh!"
"I think he's hungry... Well, feed the porker! Don't worry, Kakuzu, I'll prepare you a bottle. You hold him, I'll make it." Zetsu cradled Kakuzu in an arm, while the other mixed awkwardly the formula. When the bottle was ready, he sat down with Kakuzu and gave him his meal; Kakuzu accepted it greedily. "Good boy! Drink up and shut it, you pest!"
"I wanted food, not milk... But that will do. I'm hungry as hell..." The baby gave a deep sigh and closed his eyes while sucking on the rubber nipple and curling his toes.
"Aww, he's so cute... He's a fat ass. And don't go all retarded on him, or I'll die from sugar overload!" Kakuzu finished his meal and Zetsu put him on his shoulder to burp him. "Come on, Kakuzu... And don't spit up on me!", he said, gently patting the baby's back. Suddenly, Zetsu hears a scream from the room that Hidan and Kakuzu shared.
"HOLY JASHIN, WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Hidan ran into the kitchen, still in his pyjama pants, and he looked nervous. "Zetsu! Where the fuck is Kakuzu? You didn't... eat him, did you?"
Zetsu rolled his eyes and sighed. "Of course not, Hidan, why would I do that? Besides, I've had breakfast already. Poor little Kakuzu was awfully hungry, though..." He said, gazing upon Kakuzu with concern.
The chubby baby was cradled in the plant man's arms, gurgling, spitting bubbles and looking peacefully at his partner. "Oh, hi, Hidan, where have you been?"
"My bad, Zetsu, I was just worried about the little fucker..." The albino gazed down at Kakuzu and reached out a hand to lightly poke the baby's nose. "I shouldn't be, though. You're fucking noisy, seriously!"
Kakuzu looked away, pouting. "Quit getting mad at me and leave me alone, baka... Being trapped in this situation is upsetting enough." The stitched baby felt like crying, and the Jashinist quickly stomped off to their bedroom, leaving a very hurt and confused Kakuzu. "Are you really leaving me alone?"
Hidan got back to the kitchen holding Kakuzu's pacifier and shoved it into the baby's mouth, smirking. "I don't want you to bawl in my ears again, Fatso." He laughed softly at Kakuzu's sigh of relief, as the baby sucked a pacifier that seemed to be too small for his plump, chunky face. "I fucking hate your crying..." Kakuzu gave a little hiccupping and snorting giggle when Hidan shook his hand playfully, grinning at him. "...but you're fucking funny when you laugh up a storm."
"I'm not funny... Did you just call me 'Fatso', Hidan?" The sweet Kodak moment between Hidan and Kakuzu was interrupted by a very familiar squeal coming from the corridors.
"Aww, Hidan-san does care about little Kaku-chan! And the baby likes his mommy!" Tobi skipped into the room all of a sudden and waved at Kakuzu, who was lying across Zetsu's lap.
"Shut the fuck up, you orange heathen, another remark like that and I'll sacrifice you, mask and all!" Hidan sneered, letting go of Kakuzu's chubby hand and trying not to shout and scare the little stitched baby. Tobi kept crooning at Kakuzu.
"Look at little Kaku-chan's blushy cheeks, he's so adorable, Uncle Tobi likes your squishy face!" And the good boy pinched the baby's cheek, startling Kakuzu. "Coochy-coochy-coo!" The baby blushed, spat up some formula and started to wail and squirm, he seemed embarrassed.
"I hate that, Tobi!" "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaah, waah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"What's going on here?" Pein appears, followed by Konan. He glances at the baby, who cried pitifully and dropped his pacifier. "What happened to Kakuzu?"
"Nothing, really... Tobi is pestering the kid." Zetsu said, holding a squirming Kakuzu. The ginger-haired man picked the baby up and rubbed his back gently, shushing him.
"Shhhhh, Kakuzu, you're alright, shhhh, don't cry..." The light motions were soothing, and soon Kakuzu stopped crying; Pein was sure he heard a comedic choking sound behind him. "Hidan, let go of Tobi's neck, you know sometimes he doesn't know what he's doing... ITAI!" The stitched baby was pulling one of Pein's piercings in his ear. "No, Kakuzu, don't!" Pein gently pried Kakuzu's hand off his ear and looked at him sternly. Kakuzu's eyes got bigger and teary; he looked away and pouted, avoiding the Rinnegan eyes. "It's okay, Kakuzu, don't be sad, I couldn't be mad at you." Pein said, ruffling the baby's big mop of hair before handing him to Konan.
"Pein knows pain..." The blue-haired angel giggled, making her lover shyly look away.
Tobi washed the pacifier in the sink and offered to Kakuzu. "Uncle Tobi's sorry, little Kaku-chan, Uncle Tobi won't pinch you anymore!" He said, patting the baby's head; the good boy earned a grunt of understanding from Kakuzu, and he beamed under that mask when the baby reached out his arms to him. Konan laughed lightly.
"You didn't hurt him, Tobi, I guess it's the whole babytalk that gets him annoyed..." Tobi giggled and skipped to the living-room with Kakuzu.
"Uncle Tobi thinks Kaku-chan is a good boy too, so Uncle Tobi's got a nice present for you!" He laid the baby on the couch, took a scroll from a pocket in his cloak, opened it, made some hand seals and... POOF!
"Tobi, that's a nice crib, un!" Deidara entered the room at that moment. The good boy had bought (with Kakuzu's money, but that's a thing the baby doesn't need to know) a wooden baby crib that was also a playpen and even had a changing table attached. "You saw that, little Kakuzu? Now you won't sleep on that hard bed of yours anymore, un..." The blonde said, picking up Kakuzu and nuzzling him before putting him in the crib.
"This thing is comfortable... I could spend hours and have my meals in here." Kakuzu seemed satisfied, playing with his feet and gurgling, as always. Everyone came to see the baby's new bed.
"Aww, just look how cozy and snuggly he seems, Itachi-san... Soon he will be rolling over, then sitting up..." Kisame grinned, reaching out a hand to gently poke the baby's belly.
"And then he's going to crawl..." Itachi agreed, smiling at the giggling baby.
"...and start to fucking mess with my stuff and toddle around the base like mad." Hidan sneered, making everyone laugh. "Seriously, he's fine like this." Suddenly, the baby gave a grunt and Konan scrunched up her nose, playfully.
"I think little Kakuzu has made a stinky..." Sasori patted the albino's shoulder, smirking.
"You said the baby is fine like this, so I'm sure you won't mind cleaning him up, Hidan..."
"WHAT?" Again, Hidan's shouting startled Kakuzu. "I'm not gonna change his shitty diapers!" Tobi made a little dance around the silver-haired man.
"But Hidan-san, it's not hard, it's something every mommy in the world must know! Tobi will help you!" Hidan clenched his jaw, but calmed down; after all, someone would help him out.
"I... I'm not feeling fine... Please someone help me..." Kakuzu's face was red, and he pitifully whimpered, flailing his arms, begging to be held. Deidara sighed, narrowing his visible eye at Hidan and picking up Kakuzu.
"Okay, Tobi will bathe him and I'll change Kakuzu's diaper, un. But you're going to dress him up, Hidan, or I'm going to start calling you a "careless mom" from now on, un!" The Jashinist groaned, defeated.
"Fuck... Alright, alright, Blondie, understood! I'll get his clothes." Of course Hidan thought about choosing some outfit that was easy to put on the baby; he settled for a light green baby bodysuit and a pair of white woolen baby booties. Kisame and Sasori pushed the crib to Kakuzu's and Hidan's room.
"Little Kaku-chan is squeaky clean!" Tobi appeared in the room, holding the baby, who was wrapped in a soft towel. Deidara patted the masked boy's shoulder, something very rare to see.
"Good boy, Tobi, un. Put him on the changing table, I'll take it from here." The blonde bomber took a fresh diaper and slipped it under Kakuzu and started the cleaning up. In the meantime, Hidan took a little nap in his own bed, while waiting. But it was hard for him to nap while the baby gurgled and giggled happily and Deidara cooed at Kakuzu. "You silly baby, un. Now you're smiling, eh? Uncle Dei likes when you smile, un..."
"Can 'Uncle Dei' and 'silly baby' keep it down? I'm trying to fucking snooze, here..." Hidan couldn't have a wink of sleep, mainly because Deidara put the diapered baby on his stomach. "What the hell?" The blonde smile triumphantly, folding his arms.
"It's your turn now, Hidan. Dress him up, or he's going to catch a cold, un." And he left the room along with a skipping Tobi, while Hidan brought the baby to Kakuzu's old bed, lying him on the unbuttoned baby bodysuit.
"Don't you give me a hard time, Fatso.", said the albino, poking Kakuzu's nose and shoving the pacifier into his mouth. "Fucking hold still and be quiet." Hidan proceeded to put the woolen booties on the baby's feet. "Well, that was fucking easy."
"You're calling me 'Fatso', again? My name is Kakuzu, damn it... Oh, no, don't do that, don't..." Kakuzu started to laugh and snort madly, Hidan was trying to put the baby's arm through the bodysuit's sleeve, tickling him in the process.
"Here we go again... Oi, Kakuzu, stop kicking your fatty legs, I'm not tickling you! At least I'm not trying to..." Then he did the same to the other arm, and he couldn't help but smile slightly at the cute, laughing Kakuzu. Finally, he buttoned the bodysuit and picked the baby up. "Come here, you squirming little fucker." Hidan sat down on his bed to bounce Kakuzu on his knee, holding him under his armpits. "Just look at you, Kakuzu-chan, bouncing like a fucking rag doll..."
"That's fun..." Kakuzu let out some squeaks and snorts of happiness and gave a big toothless smile to Hidan, maybe because his partner was grinning at him.
"Bouncy, bouncy Kakuzu-chan..." After a couple of minutes, Hidan stopped bouncing him. "Okay, that's enough and I'm bored, you're going to your fucking crib."
"Why did you stop playing?" Kakuzu's eyes started to blink tears and his lip quivered. "I... I was liking that... I..." The Jashinist groaned and put Kakuzu on his shoulder and patted his back, shushing him and sort of soothing him in his own peculiar way.
"Shhhh, Kakuzu, be a nice little rascal and don't fucking cry..." Sasori and Deidara entered the bedroom by that moment.
"Awwwwwwww, un, look, Danna... Hidan is a natural mother!" Hidan glared daggers at the blonde.
"See, Hidan? It's not so bad when you take care of someone who knows you so well." Sasori smirked. Hidan gazed down at Kakuzu, who was snuggling up on his bare chest and eyeing his necklace. The albino chuckled.
"Tch... Kakuzu, you don't want to play with the rosary this time? Don't be fucking shy, I won't slap your hand away again..."
At that, Deidara's visible eye twitched. "Hidan, un... Have you slapped the baby's hand?"
"Ah, er, it was a... corrective slap? He was tugging on my necklace... Anyway, it was just once, Deidara-chan!"
"Don't 'Deidara-chan' me, un!" Deidara made some hand seals. The albino handed Kakuzu to Sasori and sprinted. The blonde bomber chased him outside the base.
"KATSU!" Zetsu could swear he saw Hidan flying while he was at the training grounds.
Sasori sighed and smiled down at Kakuzu. "You've got not only an overprotective mother, little guy... There's an overprotective uncle, too." Little Kakuzu gave a hiccupping giggle and leaned on Sasori's chest.