A KICK IN THE BALLS
Chapter Four – I'm on the Highway to Hell
BPOV
"Mike?" I barely squeaked out, "What, what are you doing here?" I couldn't believe he was actually standing there on my balcony. My life was caught up in some vicious cycle of agonizing insanity that had been unending. I guessed this was just par for the course.
He stared back at me and I could tell from his expression that he was starting to get really angry. I could not have blamed him in that moment because what he had seen was presumably the worst way he could have found me. I had been wrapped up in a cocoon with Edward in the hammock, and our positions probably looked all too friendly for Mike's liking. Hell, we were almost engaged at few days ago from his perspective.
"Maybe you should first answer me what you were doing up here? Who was that guy?" he fumed as he motioned towards the hammock. I had understood that there was no way this was going to end well. I was at the point of no return. My emotions were on a rollercoaster and the insinuation that I was doing something dishonest was going to get the best of me. There were going to be at lot more tears. And a whole lot of yelling.
That fiery side of me that was constantly getting me yellow carded in my soccer games was trying to coming out and it looked as though Mike was to be the recipient of my fury. No, he didn't deserve it, but I felt compelled to refute what he saw and defend Edward. Edward was there to comfort me when I was sure that no other person would offer me that kind of affection. Everyone that I had a history with was either pissed at me or hurt by me, and he was the only one who did not know what I was capable of. I was probably just a damsel in distress to him but I would take it.
"He's my new roommate, Mike," I stated with my teeth partially clamped together.
"Your roommate you just met this weekend? A stranger?" he seethed. I could tell that his emotions were starting to get to the boiling point and I needed to calm him down. But, that was not what I did.
"I was fucking hysterical Mike! If you haven't fucking noticed I AM A COMPLETE MESS!" I screamed back at him. My fists were clenched firmly to my sides, and I was just getting started. I was so very angry. I spun around to remove him from my sightline and try to manage my emotions. I could tell from Mike's breathing that he had been trying to get himself under control also. He took deep uneven breaths and I had thought that he would try to approach the situation with a little more discretion. I was really wrong.
"YOU'RE the victim here, Bella? YOU are a mess? What the fuck does that make me?" he spat out as he pointed his finger at me angrily. "Turn around and look at me! Do I look fine?"
I turned to look at him and what I saw was a man on fire. I knew that I had cut him so deeply that he should never forgive me. His brow was furrowed and he looked at me like he wanted to rip my heart out. Fuck, he could try – I wasn't quite sure I had one.
"Did you come here for this?" I said through my teeth as I motioned between us. "I thought you said you never wanted to see me again?" Maybe it was I that did not want to see him again. It was easier just to let him go than to hash it out like this.
"You think I could do that? Did you think that was it? We were just done?" he continued as the level of his voice started to drop. The anger was seeping out of him and I could tell that I was just re-opening the wounds. Weren't we over? How could he still have feelings for me after what I had done?
"How could I think that you would forgive me? I am a horrible person, Mike. It would be best for you if you just fucking forgot about me and moved on," I rapped out as the traitor tears started to well back up in my eyes.
"Bella, you know me better than that," he started as he let out a deep breath, "I love you. And you love me. I know you do. Why don't you see it?"
I wanted in that moment to fly away; to go somewhere were no one would find me. I was about to face one of those demons that I kept bottled up inside me. He deserved that. He deserved better than that – but it was all I could give him. The tears started falling from my face again and Mike moved toward me. I knew that he wanted to comfort me, but I couldn't let him. That feeling of raw emotion, the feeling of absolute self-loathing was what I deserved. I hated myself for what I had done but there was no turning back. Time was my enemy again; as it always had been. You could never get back time.
"Mike, stop. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep letting you believe that I am something that I am not," I had begun, not knowing how to convey how I was feeling. I felt as though my heart was starting to shatter and all my pain started to come to the surface. "The love you give me; I cannot give back."
Mike rushed over to grab my hands and gently started to reassure me. It was a futile act. I looked at him as I searched my heart for the love that I should feel for him, but there was only emptiness. I had to let him go. He was one of the only people who have given me his heart and I was about to break it. Again. I started to feel queasy and I could feel the bile in my throat. I was despicable. I was her.
"Bella, baby, we can make this right," he said as he took my face in his hands. I quickly grabbed his wrists startling him.
"NO, we can't Mike. I don't deserve you!" I shouted as I pushed him away from me. The tears were falling furiously and I could not keep my anger at bay. "I am so fucking broken, Mike. I am NOT capable of loving you like you love me. I can barely look at myself in the mirror knowing what I did to you."
He was looking at my face and I saw that his face had fallen after he registered my heartless words. He had to have known in that moment there was no going back. I had failed him. That he had wasted his dreams on me.
"You need to go. If you stay I will only hurt you more...please, Mike," I said as the anger dissipated from my voice. "Please just go," I said, my voice trailing off into a whisper. I felt that there was no air to breathe at that moment and I was trying to hold myself together for just one more minute. I wrapped my arms around my chest and hoped that he would leave.
"Bella," he began as his voice started to break, "I wish you saw what I do." He approached me again and lifted my face with one of his hands. He used his thumb to wipe away the tears that were falling. He turned his face away from me and brought me into his arms and squeezed me to his chest. I knew that this was the last time he would do this to me; that he would offer me his comfort. Mike may have not been the love of my life, but he was one of the most loving and caring people I had ever known. Life would have been ideal if I could just return the love he gave.
He slowly released me and turned from me, not meeting my eyes. I knew that he was in pain, but he was still being my protector. He did not want to show me how much the pain was contorting his features. He made it to the door of my room and ducked his head to the side so I could hear his voice.
"Good bye, Bella."
I watched as he walked out of my life forever.
EmPOV
It had been two tortuous hours since Mike had left. I had waited long enough for her to come downstairs and decided to go to her.
I walked out onto the balcony to see her figure lit by the soft moonlight. She looked pale and her features were drawn. I knew that she had been crying, but her face was dry. There were hints of salt on her face, but it looked as if she was done. It was quite possible that she had nothing left.
"You did the right thing, kid," I whispered as I sat down next to her. She continued to stare at nothing in front of her and I was wondering if she had finally broken. She always kept herself from falling to pieces around us, except when she went on her notorious runs. She never talked about her feelings; she always dismissed them and told us she was okay. Alice and I knew better. She was like a pot on the stove – just waiting to boil over.
I caught Mike as he left the house. It took me one look to know that Bella had done the right thing. Although I could tell that she had put him through the wringer, I also knew that she had told him what he needed to hear. Maybe, just maybe, Bella was figuring it all out.
I gave that kid a whole lot of fricking rope all the time, and by now she could have hung herself with it a million times. We never pressed her to deal with it, possibly because Alice and I were also renowned dodgers. We all knew real life existed outside of the bubble the three of us lived in, but it was much easier to just forget everything else and live in the present.
"Want to talk about it?" I said as I handed her a mug of beer. I probably shouldn't have been pushing a drink into her hands, but she looked like she was completely checked out.
"No," she uttered in a small voice, "I think that I had all I can take today."
She was right. I couldn't fucking blame her for feeling how she was right then. I put my arm around her and brought her to my side.
"I'm pretty fucking proud of you, you know," I said as I gave her a reassuring squeeze. She proceeded to take a long, healthy pull from her mug. That's my girl!
"Your little friend Alice tried to hammer all the pizza, but I was able to save you some. Interested?" I asked as I had known she was probably starving. I know eating is what I do when I am stressed.
She stood up and started walking to the door. It started to unnerve me that she still hadn't looked at me. I was starting to get worried that today may have pushed her too hard. I searched her features, but she looked so empty and her face was vacant of any emotion. My palms started to sweat and my heart had begun to race.
Was this too much? What had I done?
"Bella?" I whispered my voice cracking slightly.
She turned around and her expression took my breath away. It was like every semblance of Bella was gone. She looked so different. There was no feeling behind her eyes. They were dead. She scared the shit out of me.
I closed the distance between in three steps and brought my face to hers. I needed to tell her something that would make it right. Something that would erase those eyes and bring them back to life. Something that would bring my Bella back.
I didn't know why in that moment I chose that particular memory. But, fuck, I had been grasping at straws.
"Do you remember the night we kissed?" I asked. Her eyes suddenly moved to mine and she looked disturbed at my question. It was a fucking start at least.
"What?!" she choked out.
"The night we kissed. Don't you remember the best night of your life?" I said with a straight face. Her face went from being disturbed to really confused. At least she was communicating with me and out of the zombie phase. She raised both of her eyebrows at me.
That a girl come back to papa.
"It was slightly better than tonight," she responded with some of the color coming back into her voice. Her voice was pretty rough, almost like she had smoked at least of dozen cigarettes, or something.
"Slightly, my ass! You were talking about that kiss for weeks," I roared. She let out a small laugh and I knew that this would blow over in time. I knew that we had so much further to go, but I had to remind her of the good stuff.
"You have the biggest flipping ego, Emmett," she said as a little tear escaped of her eyes. I was half-way to being successful at coaxing my little Bells back out of her shell.
Come on, Bella.
I was about to say something when she came back at me. "Should I tell Rosalie about your kissing prowess, or does she have first hand knowledge?" she suggested.
"This girl doesn't kiss in tell," I said as I grabbed her by the side. She gave out a little yelp when I crushed her to me.
"Ready?" I said knowing my words had a double meaning. She gave me what I had guessed to be a strong squeeze back, and we proceeded to head downstairs. I was happy that this hurdle was out of the way, although I still was feeling guilty.
Calling Mike had been the right thing to do.
BPOV
As I descended the stairs I didn't know what would be waiting for me in the kitchen. I half expected it to be empty with everyone going about their business, because life went on without my intrusions. I made the last twenty-four hours insane with my antics and I expected that they would have had enough of it. I had always dragged others down with me and even if I thought that I didn't deserve happiness, they most certainly did.
I hoped that Mike would eventually realize that I was right; that we didn't belong together. I had been so unfair to him, staying with him as long as I did, but there was something so easy about being with Mike that made it hard to let go. I liked that. He never challenged me, never went up against me when I was in one of my moods, and I knew I wasn't in love with him. Our relationship was stale from my point of view, and it lacked the passion that I so desperately needed to feel. He didn't bring me to life; he merely scratched the surface of the fire that was beneath.
From what I had seen of love, one person should complement the other, not dominate the relationship. That was how we had operated. Mike did everything in his power to please me but it was never enough. I had wanted to take the opportunity this summer to let him go, but I was too afraid of being alone again. It was the one part of my life where I felt utterly out-of-control, and let others dictate what would happen. I had learned my lesson; I would never let someone else determine my happiness.
They had been waiting there for me; all of them sat silently around the large table in the kitchen as I entered the room. What does someone say in a situation like that? Luckily, I didn't have to decide.
"Bella, you look like hell warmed over," Alice shouted as she got up to come over to where I was standing, "Emmett didn't let you see a mirror did he?"
She went about trying to fix me up, which was a general occurrence in my life, and took a wet towel to my face. When she had been successful in her attempts to make me look better, she turned and grabbed me into a hug.
"It's always darkest before dawn," she whispered in my ear so that only I could hear. Couldn't she for once just tell me what something meant? That cryptic bullshit was really starting to get on my nerves. My head hurt too much from crying to even attempt to think about her comments, and I released her from the hug.
"Thanks for that, I think," I began as I looked at her with an inquisitive look, "I heard you tried to eat all my pizza?"
Alice just rolled her eyes and started to laugh. "Is that what he told you? I had to hide an entire pizza from him. I put a decoy in the oven so that if he snuck any I would find out," Alice said as she turned to Emmett.
"It's not my fault, you obviously didn't order enough," Emmett responded as he pulled a pizza box out of the oven. He quickly took a piece and bit off half of it into his mouth. "What?!" he managed to get out as he chewed.
"I can tell you only have boys in your family," Rosalie started. It surprised me that she knew so much about Emmett already. She turned to look at Alice and me. "I am surprised that you two put up with his shit."
Okay, she had definitely been spending too much time with Emmett. The overuse of curse words in conversation was the major indicator of that. Alice grabbed my pizza and went to heat it up and I tentatively went towards the table. Edward had been sitting there quietly taking in the scene around him, but I couldn't help feeling that he had been watching me the entire time.
I didn't know what to say to him; my mind was blank. In the time that we had known each other, we barely shared a few words. He was an absolute mystery to me and I had no idea what had led him to my balcony tonight. I felt so awkward as I approached the table like a spotlight was being cast upon me. I supposed he knew everything about me, because obviously my dirty laundry had been front and center in our lives over the past two days. How much did he know? I sat down next to him hoping that my proximity to him would allow me to thank him quietly. That had been my plan; but God knows that my plans have not been going through as I had envisioned them.
"So, you two, want to explain to Uncle Emmie want you were doing upstairs?" Emmett asked as I damn near choked on my pizza. Edward had simutamulosly spit out a little of the beer he had been drinking.
"What the fuck, Emmett? Could you give me five minutes to eat before the Spanish Inquisition?" I spat out as I glared at him.
"Right, Bella. As if you would give me a fucking pass on something like that," he said mockingly as he looked back at me.
"Emmett, I was simply doing something that you would have done if you were here," Edward started. He said it so plainly and without emotion that I hardly recognized his voice. What was usually soft and velvety had turned cold and unfeeling. He didn't seem like the same person that had been with me upstairs.
Alice elbowed Emmett in the ribs and he winced in pain. It was surprising how much pain a little thing like her could inflict. "Give Edward some credit, Emmett," Alice said as she started to glare at him. "Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
I looked over to Emmett and it seemed that Alice had said something that had really gotten to him. She knew something that he didn't want me to know. In the spirit of what had been close to an apocalyptic day for me, I decided I wasn't going to let it go.
"Spit it out, Emmett. Just fucking tell me, this day couldn't possibly get any worse," I uttered as I looked up at him.
He didn't say anything for about a minute, and towards the end of that minute I was starting to become unnerved. Alice finally answered for him.
"If you won't, I will," she said as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"Fine, fuck you are the most demanding little shit," he began. I could tell by the motions of his hands that he was definitely nervous about telling me this. "I kind sorta was the one who called Mike."
My eyes flew open and I stopped chewing. I could feel the anger starting to boil up inside of me and I just stared at him. I was about to open my mouth – but I stopped.
"Is there anything else that you did that I should be aware of?" I questioned with a slight edge to my voice.
He stared at me for a moment most likely wondering why I didn't go postal of him. I had most absolutely wanted to go off on him, but after the day I had I didn't have any fight left in me. Emmett was the all-time best meddler in my life, and Alice came in a close second. They were both always getting me into ridiculous situations that constantly made me wish they would knock that shit out.
"I called Charlie too," Emmett quickly spit out.
"Holy hell, Emmett! What the fuck has gotten into to you?" I screamed unable to keep my voice down as I stood up from the table. I felt a hand suddenly on my arm and I looked down to see Edward looking back at me. I stared at him for a moment as I felt an odd electricity pass between us. I lost all focus and I slowly lowered myself to my chair.
"Bells, I'm sorry," Emmett said as he came over to me. Edward had turned to look at Emmett and quickly removed his hand from my arm. Emmett's face gave a disapproving look towards Edward as he came up behind me. "I just wanted everything back to normal."
"If Rome wasn't built in a day, how did you think I could just fucking deal with all of this in a day? I am so tired and checked-out right now; please just tell me he isn't coming here?" I said with little fight in my voice. The prospect of having Charlie here was making my stomach feel like I was on the tilt-o-whirl again. I had no control over my emotions whatsoever. It was like in a second I could be crying or yelling at someone.
"No, he's not coming here," he said tentatively as he started to rub my shoulders. Shit! This had to be bad. Emmett only does that when he wants something or he broke something. "We might be going on a road trip tomorrow."
I turned around in my chair and gave him my evilest glare – he had to be kidding.
Nope...of course, I had to be wrong.
"Charlie is expecting us sometime around dinner tomorrow," Alice offered.
Great, they had to be in this together. Traitors.
I huffed, I moaned, and I did some other childish things. I kicked at my chair. I hit Emmett a few times, and went about doing some other things that could only be classified as a small temper tantrum.
"Finished?" Alice asked in amusement. "We are going tomorrow if I have to drag you with us. There is no way we can allow you to go to soccer practice with this much angst. You might kill somebody."
"Can you just tell me when I get the rights back to my life?" I spit out sarcastically as I got up to go replenish my beer. I walked out onto the back porch hoping that maybe this trip would be a good thing. I had planned in my mind to make it back to Forks one of the weekends prior to school starting and work out everything with Charlie. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was something that I had to prepare myself for. The incident with Mike earlier tonight took so much out of me and I knew what could potentially have taken place between Charlie and I could be impressive and painful.
The one positive note was that I was going to be with Alice and Emmett. That meant that I could do some serious acts of deflection. That's at least what I was hopeful for. I walked back in the kitchen to find the four of them in the center of the kitchen discussing something. They stopped when I approached and yet again, I was the elephant in the room.
"People, seriously. I am going to have a complex if you don't knock this shit out," I said as I gestured and walked past them into the living room. I couldn't think of what else to do so I popped on the TV and had begun to cruise the channels for something good. The couch cushions simultaneously puffed next to me as each of them sat around me. Alice had sat down and was looking at me. I knew that she had something that she wanted to talk about and I was feeling the pressure from her eyes.
"What?" I said softly as I continued to look through the guide.
"Bella, we were wondering if it –" Alice started but was cut off by Emmett.
"Charlie's house has enough room for five, right?"
I was about to yell at him for being rude to Alice when his words finally registered. I looked at him and he had a strange smug look on his face like he had just won a prize playing skeeball at an arcade. I had been thrown under a very substantial bus. I couldn't say no, right? I mean, Rosalie and Edward had been overly gracious in regards to the absolute crazy train I had just taken them on. Jeebus, I went against everything that was intelligent and safe.
"Yeah, someone will have to take a couch, but there's enough room," I said.
"It's settled then! I knew you would say yes! I need to start getting what we need ready and I definitely have to make a road trip mix on my iPod!" Alice exclaimed. She did one of her weird fist pump things that just looked awkward and ran up the stairs. I am sure that she made it up in only five steps.
I got up off the couch completely unsuccessful in the attempt I had made to calm myself down. "Bella's Death March," I whispered under my breath.
"The overdramatics are unnecessary, kid," Emmett said as he leaned back into the couch and grabbed the remote. "Old Chuck won't be a big deal and maybe we might have some fun," he finished and winked at Rosalie.
Ballsy, man.
I looked at Edward and was quite sure he didn't see that display which was why when I turned back to Emmett I saw a wide Cheshire grin on his face. The man didn't need self-preservation when you are built like a Mac Truck. Edward looked like he might last all of three seconds against him.
"I dare you to call him 'Chuck' to his face tomorrow, Big Boy," I offered with a defiant tone, "Preferably after he's cleaned his guns."
The look on his face was priceless. It was somewhere between shock and panic. If there was one person on this Earth that Emmett feared, it was Charlie.
"Maybe I should take it easy on the old guy," Emmett responded trying to look engrossed in the TV program he was watching.
I took that as my cue to head upstairs and get myself ready for bed. As I trudged up the stairs all I could think of was sinking into my bed and curling up in the covers. If there was one thing that I appreciated more than a good shower, it was sleeping.
I was walking through the threshold to my room when suddenly I felt a small jolt of electricity from a touch on my back. I turned abruptly to see Edward standing in front of me. I had known it was him. He had this strange energy around him, it was almost tangible in the atmosphere around us. I began to bite my lip due to my apprehension and I waited for him to say something.
"I took this earlier and I wanted to return it," he said as he held out a small hair elastic. I looked at it and couldn't remember when he could have taken it because I thought my hair had been in a ponytail all night. Then I remembered. I flushed at the memory of it.
I closed my eyes for a second to remember the sensation of his hands as they ran softly through my hair and the brush of his nails against my scalp. It was a sensory overload with the memories of his smell, the feel of his body, and the warmth of his skin striking me all at once. My heart started to race again and I wondered if my reaction to him was the standard for everyone. Maybe this man has some sort of weird voodoo vibe to him. My thoughts were interrupted by Edward clearing his throat.
"I'm sorry. I am just filled to capacity with emotions right now," I started as I felt the blush intensifying in my cheeks. He gave me one of the most warm, reassuring smiles and I had to look away because he was having an extreme effect on me.
"Bella, there is no reason to be ashamed," he said and I looked back up at him. His beautiful green eyes were teeming with concern. "With the given circumstances I think that you did really well. I don't think you know how strong you are." He reached his arm up to brush my hair behind my ear.
I don't know where my next thought came from. It was from left field that was for sure. I had never been that forward before in my life. Maybe it was because I was feeling vulnerable. Maybe it was because I didn't want to be alone. Maybe it was because Edward was a picture of sex on a stick. Maybe it was all three – but, that was beside the point.
Once it left my mouth I wanted to back.
But, the bigger part of me, wanted to know what his response would be.
"Will you stay with me a while?" I hastily murmured so that only he could hear.
His eyes started to smolder and he bent down so that his mouth was at my ear.
"Bella, you should really get some sleep tonight," he whispered and I could feel the rejection start to wash over me. I had asked enough of him. This was to be the icing on the cake of my epically horrendous day.
I turned to walk into my room and revel in my defeat, but Edward grabbed me arm and brought his mouth back up to my ear.
"Leave your door unlocked, I'll be back in a few minutes," he said as a shiver ran down my spine.
I walked back into my room and grabbed a pair of mesh shorts and a tank top for bed. Edward had already seen me in the best I had so I settled for what I wore everyday. I went to the bathroom to continue my night routine and I stopped when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. There were no words to express what I looked like but Alice's earlier assessment of 'death warmed over' was spot on. After I had washed my face I put on some of the cucumber-cooling stuff that Alice had in the bathroom under my eyes hoping it would help me not look like the night of the living dead. I really did need some serious sleep.
I heard a noise inside of my room and could see the flickering of the TV from beneath the door.
Edward was in my room. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach multiply and I was nervous to open the door. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes as I turned the handle of the door.
Edward was lying on top of my bed with one arm behind his head watching TV. He was shirtless – which made my legs halt forward motion. He was eating popcorn out of a big bowl with the other arm. He looked like the picture of perfection in my big bed and the light of the TV made the features of his chest look perfect. My breath caught in my chest. I took a deep breath and slowly made my way towards the bed. He flashed me one of his heart-melting smiles and patted the bed next to him.
I slipped into the bed and under the big comforter that he was holding for me. I caught of glimpse of the tight pair of athletic shorts he had on, and the oven was officially on. He propped up some pillows next to him and I slid hesitantly over to his side. I must have given him a strange expression because he started to laugh to himself.
"I though we would watch a movie, maybe talk a little," he said as he shrugged his shoulders. "That is, if you are not too tired?"
I rolled my eyes. "It's still really early, what are we watching?" I asked as I tried to stifle my yawn.
"Top Gun or Miracle – you pick," he said between throwing popcorn in his mouth.
"Um, Top Gun, I have a soft spot for the Ice Man," I replied with a small smile as I felt my blush starting to rise.
He smiled back and jumped out of the bed. I couldn't help myself as my eyes were drawn to the muscles on his back. They made the most perfect 'v' and my eyes traveled lower to the tight fabric across his backside. They should probably have that thing sculpted in marble. He had turned around too quickly and caught me in my ogle-fest. He gave me a little smirk and shook his head infinitesimally as he climbed back in the bed. I wanted to thank God for making the room dark so that he could not see how heated my face was. I thought that I was about to explode. I was aware that my body was becoming very rigid as I tried to suppress my emotions.
"Bella, relax," Edward whispered as the movie was starting, "Come over here and nuzzle with me. You know you want to." He moved closer to me and I obeyed. I had no self control at this point.
As the movie wore on, I was fighting off the sleep with everything I had, but it was a losing battle. We did not talk to each other but he held me the same way he had earlier in the night. I had been enjoying his warmth, his smell, and the way his chest would shake when he laughed too much, and I wanted these moments to last longer. My head sank lower on his chest until it was covering his heart and I could hear its slow rhythms.
Then everything faded to black.