This chapter contains drug usage and sexual implications. If that offends you, then I'd advise you to skip to the chapter break. Thank you!
Half an hour later, Matthew found himself at the bar. He took a seat at the bar and the bartender glanced over at him. The blond handed his ID over as he looked over the bottles in the back.
"What can I get you?" the bartender said, handing the ID back.
"Whiskey on the rocks for now." the woman nodded and filled a glass in front of the Canadian, turning back to the people she was talking to. Matthew took a sip, rubbing his head slowly.
What a mess. How had he been so naive? It was stupid to think that coming home would solve all his problems. He could have been partying with Feliks right now, forgetting his own name. Instead he was stuck in some stupid small town bar, wishing he wasn't so stupid.
Matthew took out his phone, ignoring the ten missed calls and multiple texts from his father and called Feliks.
"Mattie! How are you?" the blond smiled at his voice.
"I'm surprised you answered." Feliks giggled in response.
"We decided to, like, have a night in. Seriously, though, how are you? It feels like years since we last talked!" the blond bit his lip.
"I'm doing great, man. Got a job, started classes. Just missed you, is all." his best friend laughed.
"We totally miss you too, Mattie. But you're making your life better and we're, like, super happy for you!" Matthew looked into his glass, smiling lightly.
"Thanks.. I'm gonna go, Feliks. Have a good night."
"You too!" they hung up and the Canadian sighed, feeling worse than before. He downed the rest of the whiskey and called the bartender over, ordering three shots of tequila. All he wanted to do was black out. As he took the first shot, a man came up next to him. He had dreads tied into a messy bun that complimented him nicely. A Hawaiian shirt covered his chest.
"Hey." Matthew looked over at him and took the second shot.
"Can I help you?" the man smiled.
"You looked like you needed a friend. I'm Carlos." the Canadian chuckled.
"Well, Carlos, unless you have something stronger than alcohol or you're interested in men, I don't need a friend." the man put his hand on Matthew's inner thigh.
"Why not both?" the blond looked at him and smiled.
"Got a car, Carlos?" the man nodded and Matthew downed his last shot. He left his money on the counter and followed Carlos outside and around the back to a black SUV. The Cuban pushed Matthew against the car, kissing him deeply. The blond kissed back eagerly, gripping his shirt. He normally had a new partner every other day. It was weird to be alone since he came home. This was just his element. Sex was like a third language to Matthew.
Carlos pulled back, keeping his arms on either side of him.
"What's your poison?" the Canadian looked back, holding the man's arms.
"Got any lines?" the Cuban smiled and pulled back, opening the back door.
"Let's make some." they got in the car and Carlos pulled up the floor mat, taking out a toolbox from a compartment. From within, he pulled out a small bag of cocaine. He put the box back and pulled Matthew over to him, pulling off his shirt and laying him down on the seat. The blond bit his lip and stayed still as the man put some of the powder on his stomach and formed it into a line before snorting it off of his skin. Carlos shook his head and exhaled sharply, licking up Matthew's body. The Canadian let out a soft sound and took the bag from him, gathering some powder on his fingertip and snorting it. The Cuban chuckled and gave him a bit more space.
"Here, baby, sit up and get yourself a proper hit." Matthew giggled and sat up, leaning over the console.
"Mm, aren't you a gentleman.." he lined up some powder and snorted it again, shaking his head. "Shit, this is good.." the blond sat back and kissed Carlos hungrily, pulling him back on top. The man pulled off his pants and undid his own, pulling a condom out. He paused for a minute to slip it on and went back to kissing the Canadian, moving down to suckle on his neck. Matthew leaned his head back, letting out pleasured moans and taking in all of the feelings he was experiencing. Carlos pressed against him, making the Canadian arch slightly.
Suddenly, the door behind Carlos opened and the Cuban was pulled out of the car. Matthew sat up, covering himself with his shirt.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Carlos yelled. The Canadian crawled to the other side, seeing Gilbert standing over the man.
"Me? What about you?!" the German yelled back. He looked at Matthew and scowled. "Get dressed. Now." the blond blushed and swallowed, doing as the albino said. He got out of the car when he was fully clothed, holding onto the door for stability. Between the coke and the booze, the world was starting to spin beneath Matthew's feet.
"Hey, he owes me." Carlos said, standing. Gilbert sighed and took out his wallet, shoving a handful of singles into the Cuban's hands.
"It couldn't have been that much. I never want to see you near him again." the silver haired man grabbed Matthew's arm, pulling him along. The sudden jerk made the blond nauseous instantly.
"H-Hey, Gil, wait!"
"Are you kidding me? Nein, your vater is worried sick and-" Matthew pulled away sharply, doubling over as he threw up. He felt the man pull back his hair as he heaved again. Gilbert sighed softly. "Feel better?" the Canadian wiped his mouth on his sleeve, standing up straight.
"Not at all.. Please take me home.." they silently walked to the car together, Gil helping Matthew into the passenger seat. The blond leaned against the cool window and closed his eyes. The other man got in and started the car, pulling away slowly. It was silent for a few minutes.
"So, what all did you do tonight?" Gilbert asked softly.
"Hm.. I drank some whiskey, three shots of tequila, and a line of coke.." the German made an annoyed sound.
"When did you get so destructive?" the Canadian was quiet and Gilbert took a breath as if to say something else, but stayed quiet. They both seemed to replay memories of the two sharing joints in the German's basement, giggling and trying to attempt smoke tricks. It was silent the rest of the way to Matthew's house. When they pulled up, Gil got out and helped the blond up to the door, walking him inside.
Francis and Arthur were waiting by the door.
"Matthew!" the French man hugged his son tightly. "I'm sorry, Mathieu, I'm so sorry." he looked up at Gilbert. "Thank you so much for bringing him home."
"Ja. He got a little.. Rough, so it'd be best to put him to bed." Arthur walked up to him and accompanied the German outside while Francis took Matthew up to his room. His father put him in bed and sat on the edge, brushing his hair back.
The blond felt ashamed of how he had acted earlier. He looked up at his father, but stayed silent. So many things had happened in the past three years. He couldn't spend the rest of his life apologizing. This was one time when he would just have to accept the consequences of his actions.
".. Papa?"
"Oui?"
"I might get sick later.. Could you bring me a bucket or bag or something?" the man nodded and got up, leaving his son. By the time he returned, Matthew had fallen fast asleep.
A week had passed after Matthew had gone out. He spent his days mostly keeping to himself as he studied and worked at the store. He and Gilbert hadn't so much as looked at each other since that night. That was fine for Matthew, though. He really didn't want any sort of distraction while he kept trying to reach his goals.
It was Friday evening. Matthew found himself at the store like always. He looked through the shelves of the store thoroughly, letting out a frustrated groan after he finished.
"It's been a week. How hard is it to price a camera?" he grumbled. The blond walked back to the counter and looked at the door to the back room. He'd never been back there. It was like Gilbert's personal work space. The Canadian checked the time and bit his lip. It was a quarter to six. He either had fifteen minutes, or an entire hour. Maybe just a peek? Just to see how close the camera was to being priced. Matthew looked around the shop slowly, then quickly jumped into the room, the door clicking shut behind him.
It was actually decently sized. The blond had expected a tiny, messy room. Instead, it was the size of a typical room, with a desk in the corner. A bulletin board hung above it, covered with various notes, papers, and pictures. A large bin was in the corner, labeled "trash". Within the bin were various broken items like toys, antiques, and trashy clothes. There were three medium bins next to it, sorted into toys, antiques, and clothes also.
Matthew looked around the room and spotted the camera bag hanging on the back of the chair at the desk. He smiled and went over, picking it up. The blond looked up at the bulletin board and paused.
Pinned in the corner of the board was the selfie he had taken. Why? Didn't Gil hate Matthew? The Canadian lifted up a paper, revealing an old picture of the two at their senior prom together. Matthew smiled as he remembered that night. Their theme had been a masquerade. Gilbert had a mask modeled after a hawk and Matthew had been a bear. The blond giggled, remembering how the albino had pecked him with his beak and made stupid puns all night. They had also shared their first time that night. Wrapped in the plush sheets of a fancy hotel, they'd brought their relationship its peak before graduation. Before Matthew left.
"What are you doing in here?" the Canadian whipped around, freezing as he saw Gilbert.
"I.. Uh.. Just.." the German looked at the pictures behind him, then the camera bag in the Canadian's hands.
".. You want the camera. Take it. Pay Chelle, though." the albino walked past him and sat at the desk. Matthew looked at him and bit his lip.
"Gilbert.."
"What?" the silver haired man snapped, looking up at the Canadian. The blond took a shaky breath and gripped the camera tighter.
"I.. I didn't want to break up with you." the man looked up at him and his red eyes seemed to pierce straight through him.
"Oh really?" the German stood. "You didn't want to break up with me? You didn't want to prance across the country? You didn't want to get drunk and high and fuck every guy that crossed your line of sight?" he prodded the Canadian's chest. "You wanted to. You wanted to watch me suffer. You wanted to rub your fabulous lifestyle in my face while I struggled here by myself." Matthew felt himself tearing up.
"You don't understand how I felt! No one ever noticed me. I had you and Feliks. Everyone else never even knew I existed!" the German grit his teeth, clenching his fists.
"I should have been enough! But nein! I never was! Nothing will ever be enough for a slut like you!" Matthew reeled back and smacked Gilbert as hard as he could. It was silent.
The Canadian dropped the camera and ran out of the shop. Why had he done that? Why did Gilbert's opinion even matter? It didn't. It never did. No matter how much he tried to tell himself, though, he knew it just wasn't true. He cared a lot about what Gil thought about him and right now, he thought Matthew was a slut. He wasn't, though. Yes, he loved sex. He had multiple partners, but he was safe. He never cheated on anyone. He was essentially a good person. Sex wasn't bad.
The blond walked home, heading straight to his room and locking the door. He had left his backpack at the store, but he'd have to deal with it for tonight. He took out his phone and called Feliks, rubbing his eyes.
"Mattie, baby! It's been forever!" the blond sniffled.
"H-Hey, Feliks.."
"Uh oh. What's wrong, honey?" Matthew wiped his eyes.
"D-do you think that maybe you can come home tonight..? I'd really just like to meet up with you.." there was soft discussion on the other end.
"Yeah, sure, Mattie. I'm like two towns away, okay? I'll pick up some drinks and we'll just hang in your room like when we were kids." the blond nodded.
"That sounds great.. Thank you.. I'll leave my window open.." they hung up and Matthew went over, opening the window. He sat next to it and hugged his knees. Everything felt so crappy. It was just like he was in high school again, begging for something to change. It all seemed so pointless. Matthew stood and walked over to his old stereo, putting multiple pop punk CDs into the slots. Times like this, he was thankful for being an emotional angsty teen. Music like this really made him feel better. The blond laid on his bed and waited, closing his eyes. It wasn't long before Matthew heard someone climbing the tree outside his window.
"It's about time.. I hope you got tequila, because I want nothing more than to pass out."
"I didn't know I was supposed to bring drinks." Matthew snapped up and looked at Gilbert, who was sitting on his window sill. "Been awhile since I've been in here. Hasn't changed much. Or, at all." the blond scowled.
"What do you want?" the albino sighed and stepped into the room, pulling the Canadian's backpack off his back.
"You left this." the blond took it and set it on his bed, staring at Gil.
"Yeah, okay." they were quiet. ".. You can go now." the German sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Look, Matthew, I'm sorry. I was angry and emotional and I said things I didn't mean." the Canadian rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm sure you totally don't think I'm a slut." the albino clenched his fists lightly.
"Why can't you just accept an apology?"
"Because you don't mean it, do you?" Gilbert shook his head, looking away.
"You don't understand anything." Matthew stepped back into his line of sight, pointing to himself.
"Oh, I'm the one that doesn't understand?"
"Ja!" the Canadian crossed his arms.
"I understand that you hate me, and that's enough." Gilbert gave him a confused look.
"Was? I don't hate you."
"You totally do. No one has hated me as much as you do." he stepped closer to Matthew.
"Matthew, I don't-" the Canadian put his hand up to push him back, speaking over Gil.
"Stop lying to-" the blond was cut off as Gilbert caught his hand, pulling him against his chest and kissing him. His eyes widened and he pushed the man back. The silver haired man looked at him, then let go. His pale cheeks turned red as he avoided the blond's eyes.
"I.. I'm sorry.." Matthew shook his head, walking over to his door and unlocking it before pulling it open.
"Just.. Get out.." Gilbert looked at him silently, then nodded and left. The Canadian shut the door and put his back against it, sliding down to sit on the floor. He held his head in his hands, staring at the floor.
".. That was tense." Matthew snapped his head back up, seeing Feliks at his window this time.
"Fuck, you scared me.. Come in." the Polish man crawled in with a bag on his arm, shutting the window behind him. He walked over to Matthew and handed him the bag, sitting next to him. The blond pulled out a bottle of whiskey and shrugged, laying his head on his best friend's shoulder. Feliks put his arm around his shoulders and squeezed him lightly.
"What's been going on, Mattie?" Matthew groaned and opened the bottle, taking a deep drink. He shook his head and looked at Feliks.
"So much bullshit.." over the next twenty minutes, the Canadian filled in all the experiences he had dealt with since coming home. "... And the worst part is, I don't even know what I want." he finished, looking at the wall. Feliks nodded thoughtfully, taking the bottle and drinking a bit.
"This does sound like quite the predicament." Matthew sighed and shook his head.
"What am I supposed to do?" the Polish man smiled and stood up.
"Remember when, like, I broke up with that guy in high school and we totally shredded pictures of him?" the Canadian looked up at him.
"Yeah..?" Feliks walked around the room, taking a picture off the wall.
"Well, why don't we do the same with you guys?" Matthew stood up and bit his lip.
"I dunno, Feliks, that doesn't sound very great.." the Polish man rolled his eyes and put a picture in his hands. It was the first one he had noticed when he came home. A blurry shot of Gilbert, reaching for the camera with a playful glint in his piercing red eyes.
"C'mon, just try it!" Matthew shook his head.
"Feliks.." the man grabbed his hands and pulled, tearing the picture. The blond stood, shocked, and stared at the torn picture. It was just a picture, but it hurt. Why?
What a stupid question. He knew why. He knew the day he came home and saw this picture on the wall. He knew when he felt his chest tighten. The day he reunited with Gilbert and felt the pain of being shunned, he knew how he felt. A tear slipped and fell onto the photo.
Feliks put his hands on Matthew's face and made him look up. He smiled softly.
"Do you understand now?" the blond nodded and hugged his best friend tightly. He rubbed the Canadian's back and pulled back after a bit. "Let's get you some tape and go to bed, huh?" Matthew nodded and picked up the bottle of whiskey again. He looked at it and took another deep drink. Feliks went to the desk and rifled through the drawers. He came back and traded objects with the other man. The Canadian sat on his bed and taped the picture back together carefully. He set it on his nightstand and laid in bed. His best friend clicked off the light and laid next to him.
"Thanks for being here, Feliks.." the blond grabbed his hand, squeezing it sincerely. The Polish man giggled and squeezed back.
"Anything to help you, Mattie.. Night.." Matthew made a small sound of acknowledgement and the two slipped into a satisfied sleep.