Disclaimer: I still don't own D. Gray-man, much to my dismay.

Edited 27/03/2017 - fixed Komui's name!

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It descends into a brawl five minutes in, because of course it does.

Kanda just makes him so mad, though. Good manners cost nothing, and anyway, who had a bamboo practice shinai lying around to bash someone over the head with? That seemed a bit counter-productive, this being a mental asylum and all. Shouldn't weapons be banned? Just being here kind of denotes a certain level of danger to other people.

"My name is Lenalee Li," the girl who's patching him up says, bent down with a cool rag to press against his forehead. Kanda is off to the other side of the room with Lavi, looking almost rabid. It takes zero imagination for Allen to picture how Kanda got here, and it involves numerous bodies and lots of blood. At least when Allen kills someone, he's saving their souls. "Komui Li is my brother. It's a pleasure to meet you, circumstances aside."

Allen blinks up at her, kind of fuzzy. It isn't fair that Kanda had the advantage in weapons, even if it became all but useless the moment Allen had gotten in close enough to do some real damage with his fists. He hopes he gave the shinai splinters with his hard head.

Neah is proud of him. That makes all of this inexplicably worse.

"Your brother put you in here?" he says, because his mouth isn't properly connected to his brain and basic politeness isn't working very well for him at the moment. Damnit, he was supposed to be nice and friendly and trustworthy and –

His head really, really hurts. He hopes Kanda has bruises. He hopes that they're sensitive and painful.

Lenalee doesn't take offense, though, because clearly she's some sort of angel, dubious familial connections aside. She's really pretty, too, with hair almost as long as the jerk's, and lovely eyes. Allen hopes his eyes are half as lovely.

"He's just worried about me," Lenalee says, smile bright. She presses the rag hard enough against Allen's forehead that he feels a sting of pain. "Oh, sorry," she says when he yelps.

"It's fine," Allen says, because Allen is a nice person, he is, no matter what Neah says. And Neah is saying quite a lot, at the moment, because Neah doesn't know when to shut up.

You should have got him straight in the jaw, he says, cackling. Neah has a terrible cackle. Allen can just picture his grin, a slash of red against a shadowed backdrop. But you got some good hits in on the stomach, and close to his throat. I didn't think you had it in you, but you do!

Shut up shut up, Allen thinks. "Shut up."

Lenalee's eyes narrow, and her face loses some of its shininess. Allen blinks pitifully up at her. "Excuse me?"

Two options here, Walker. Neither look good. He casts a nervous glance at Lavi, who is still in the process of extracting the bamboo shinai from Kanda's death-grip. He is failing. He is failing rather badly.

"I wasn't talking to you," Allen says, and tries very valiantly not to throw up all over his shoes. Or Lenalee's shoes. She has really nice boots. Allen wonders how difficult it would be to get nice boots just like hers.

Lenalee's frown doesn't lighten, and Allen's stomach drops somewhere below his not-as-nice-as-Lenalee's shoes. "Oh," he says, clearing his throat. "Lavi mentioned that he had…well, mentioned me to you. Before."

Lenalee nods. "Yeah," she says, and then kills Allen's hope swiftly and without mercy. "You're the new intern. We lost the last one after a series of fires that – well, let's just say that no one came out of the experience happier for it. The only good thing that came out of that whole mess was my brother banning strippers from the work area – the cop turned out to be a call-guy, apparently."

"So he didn't discuss…anything else," Allen says, vainly trying for calm and basically ending up somewhere between pathetic and desperate. This is a good thing! They don't know he's supposed to be crazy!

Lenalee shook her head, pigtails flying out around her in a dramatic halo of hair. Allen is once again envious, even though he knows from Cross's constant complaining of the utter evils of hair-care. Brushing, trimming, layering, colouring (though absolutely no one is supposed to know about that One Time that Definitely Didn't Happen, What Are You Talking About). Allen had suffered the most, though, because there had been no one else to go buy hair-care products at three in the morning when the streets were crawling with thugs and prostitutes. Not that he has anything against prostitutes. Some of the best people he's ever met are prostitutes. Er.

"I'm sorry," she says, and she sounds so sincere that Allen's addled brain forgives her instantly. He vows silently to never become concussed again. "But Lavi likes his big, dramatic reveals. I'm surprised he even told us you were the new intern – though Kanda might have had something to do with that…"

In unison, they both turn to survey how Lavi is faring against Kanda. They are now both on the floor, and Lavi is wailing in what appears to be utter agony. The shinai, at least, is gone – Allen doesn't know where, and he can't see it anywhere close to them – but Kanda makes up for the lack of sword-like object by…basically strangling Lavi with his hair. Allen is almost impressed, before he realises that he doesn't like Kanda and doesn't want to be impressed by anything he does.

"That looks like it hurts," Allen says, gesturing vaguely. "Do you want to…go save his life?"

"Oh, Kanda won't kill him," Lenalee says, smiling like he's just said something funny. Allen blinks at her, and then glances back at where Lavi is struggling desperately for air, arms windmilling out around him in a vain attempt to catch Kanda off guard. Kanda's smile is vicious. Lavi's face is turning blue.

"Are you sure?" Allen says doubtfully.

"Oh, yes," Lenalee says, the very picture of unconcern. "Now, please, what was Lavi supposed to tell us?"

Allen sighs. Neah laughs at him, because Neah has no concept of what it is to be in pain. Someday, Allen is going to find a way to strangle him, and he hopes that Neah suffers as much as Lavi is suffering now. "I'm not very comfortable talking about it," he says. "It's personal."

Lenalee purses her lips and gives him a narrow-eyed look that makes Allen want to scoot over to the wall and hide his head in shame. He's impressed, because no one has made him feel shame in a very, very long time. "How about," she says, thinking out loud. "I trade you. A story for a story. I'm guessing that you're not one of the normal interns."

"It's personal," Allen says, a little desperately.

"Not anymore, if Lavi knows," Lenalee says. "If I know what he's got over your head, I can help you. I'm very…good, at reigning these boys in."

Lavi is now twitching spasmodically. His arms have gone limp. "Really," Allen says.

"I'll prove it," Lenalee says, and she's smiling at him like he's being silly. "And then you can tell me, and I'll personally make sure that nothing bad happens to you during the duration of your stay here. Deal?"

Allen regards her frankly for a few seconds, kind of horrified. He's been out-conned. This concussion-thing is never happening again. He feels so worthless. "Deal," he says, a broken man.

Lenalee's smile widens. Then she turns to where Kanda is grimly finishing Lavi off and gets to her feet. "I'll be back in a second," she says.

Allen watches her go, feeling vaguely hopeless. Neah's stopped making ugly comments long enough to watch Lenalee set to work, so he's got a quiet headspace for a few minutes, which is…well. He almost wishes he had something to distract him from – from that.

Lenalee returns a few minutes later, dusting her hands together and smiling wide. Allen no longer questions her brother's decision to place her here, because he's certain that she could do so much damage on the outside world.

Kanda skulks off to who-knows-where, opening and door and disappearing into the darkness like a brooding vampire with really nice hair. He is nursing visible bruises across his body, as well as a black eye and a bloody nose. Allen and Lavi are only responsible for the bruises.

Lavi is relatively intact, and he stays, which makes him a braver man than Allen had initially given him credit for. He's slightly worse for ware, and his eyes are sort of unfocused, though when he talks he still sounds annoying enough to grate Allen's ears.

"Lenalee, my love, thank you for saving me!"

Lenalee's smile doesn't change, though her eyes do crinkle upward slightly. "Of course, Lavi," she says. "Now, what can you tell me about our newest…intern."

"Oh!" Lavi says, turning to Allen. "Of course, I forgot" – his face is bashful, and it doesn't fool either of them – "Lenalee, this is Allen Walker. He's managed to squirm out from under your brother's meticulous paperwork skills and scored a job instead of a padded cell. I'm impressed, myself. Wish I'd thought of that."

"Your grandfather brought you here directly," Lenalee says absently, studying Allen with a slight frown. "You were supposed to be a patient, here?"

Allen ducks his head and stares at his feet. You can still be sweet and charming, he tells himself. It can't be that hard. You've played poker in worse situations. "Yes," he says. "My Master – Cross Marian – brought me to the gates. He sent a letter, but Lavi apparently…acquired it before the Chief could, and here I am."

Lenalee is still staring at him. "Here you are," she repeats thoughtfully. "Cross Marian, you said? Lavi, let me see that letter."

Lavi adopts a tragic expression. "I'm afraid I left it in my room, Lenalee my love, so –"

"Go get it," Lenalee says, sweet as anything. Lavi disappears so fast Allen can almost see the puff of smoke spelling out 'NOPE' left behind. "Now, Allen. I believe I promised you a story? An eye for an eye, and all that."

Allen lets out a sigh. "I don't suppose I have a choice, now."

Lenalee places a hand on his shoulder, helping him stand up and leading him over to the couches. They're very comfortable and thick, and Allen allows himself to sink deeper into the fabric than he would usually permit during polite conversation. It's been a long day, and he isn't even sure it's lunchtime. His stomach thinks it's time for lunch, of course, but his stomach always thinks it's time for lunch. And dinner. And breakfast.

What was his point again?

Oh, yes. It can't be more than eleven, by his estimate. Eleven in the morning, and he's already witnessed what appears to be a revolution against the oppressive upper classes, has been blackmailed by a total stranger, and got a concussion. He's only got up to go from here.

"I know this is very strange," Lenalee says, sitting next to him and patting his back in a consoling manner. Lenalee is officially his favourite. "But really, this place is quite welcoming. My brother makes sure that we're taken care of."

"The minions outside just started an uprising over a lack of coffee," Allen says.

Lenalee has the grace to look embarrassed. "Well," she says. "I love my brother very much, but he sometimes is rather…eccentric, when it comes to his experiments. He feels that giving them something to complain about will focus everyone on hating him, rather than hating their jobs."

"I think they hate both," Allen says.

"We're getting off track," Lenalee says, voice gentle. "I just want you to know that this is a safe place for you. We're not here to hurt you."

"I have a concussion," Allen says.

Lenalee ignores him. "So please, feel free to ask any of us about anything you need. We're always happy to help, especially if you're one of us."

"…us."

"Well, you were sent here because you attacked people, isn't that right?" Lenalee says. "That's what happened to all of us. My brother was very upset about it, of course, but there was nothing to be done."

Allen frowns. "Why did he send you here?"

"Do you want me to answer that, Lenalee my love?" Lavi says, popping back behind them and scaring ten years off Allen's life. He doesn't wait for Lenalee to respond. "This lovely lady thinks she can fly."

Lenalee's eyes flare. "I don't think," she says. "I know."

"Komui caught her practicing off a twelve-story balcony and freaked out, just a little," Lavi says. "At least, that's what I've heard. He checked her into the Institute, and then freaked out some more than get himself employed here."

"Yes, yes, very tragic," Lenalee snaps, grabbing the letter out of his hands and scanning over the first line. Allen debates on whether he can grab it from her and stuff it into his mouth fast enough, and then concludes rather sadly that he isn't game enough to try. "I'm sorry, Allen, I haven't been thinking. is it okay if I read these? I know they're private."

Allen stares at her.

"I won't read them if you don't want me to," Lenalee clarifies.

"…I'd rather you not."

"Though you will tell me why your Master sent you here," Lenalee adds.

Allen nods. Lenalee gives him a look of approval and then gives him the letters. Lavi squawks, but Allen is too busy staring at the envelope to notice. Komui Li is written in surprisingly neat cursive. Allen hates that handwriting with every single fibre of his being.

Careful to keep the letters away from Lavi's grabby hands, Allen puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out the lighter he had smuggled and clicks it open.

Then he sets them on fire.

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A/N: Goddamnit I needed those letters for the future, but Allen makes a very convincing argument in favour of destroying them. Ah, well. Also could you guess that Kanda's my favourite? No? But I gave him ten whole seconds of screen time, what are you talking about?

ANYWAY! Thanks so much to everyone who liked and favourited: SPECIAL thanks to jy24, 1over7, waterlit and xXxPhantomxXx for reviewing. You're all wonderful :)

See you next week!

Mneme