003. Ends

Spock loves Nyota. He just doesn't know it.

Everyone else knows, it's pretty obvious from the way he looks at her. By the way he holds her. By the way he smiles at her. By the way that he - the logical, unemotional, always-stick-by-the-rules, has broken just about a dozen of his beloved protocols for having a relationship with her. Even Bones, who doesn't care to notice that sort of thing - has noticed it and knows it. Nyota knows it - feels it in her bones. But Spock remains happily oblivious.

He's not stupid - no one could ever describe Spock as that - but he knows little in the ways of the heart, so he doesn't know what it means. He knows that his heart beat stutters a little every time he walks into a room where she is and he didn't expect to see her. He knows that her touch leaves a trail of fire behind. He knows that her kisses leave him longing for more. He knows that he cares for her. He knows that he lusts for her.

Spock also knows that Nyota returns these emotions. She came after him when his mother died, wanting to know what she could do for him, and not what he could do as captain, for them. She smiles when she sees him, she blushes when he shows little tokens of affection. She was on the verge of tears when he left on what should have been a suicide mission; but she was so strong, and she only kissed him and wished him luck. Because Nyota didn't cry.

She's the only person ever who he's let touch his ears.

When they board the USS Enterprise once the maintenance work has been finished and just before they leave for their five year mission, Spock knows that he feels relief that her name is on the crew list. Spock puts up with Jim's larking about without much annoyance, when he sees Nyota smile for him, when she sees that he is coming too. The pride in her eyes, when he becomes First Officer. He doesn't even throw too much of a fuss when Dr McCoy brings his five year old daughter on board, saying that she was coming with them. After all, he knows and quite likes the little girl who he's babysat for more than once. And Nyota thinks Joanna should come.

Joanna is the only one who is able to read him completely. Spock puts it down to the intuition that all little children seem to have, but he suspects it's got more to do with the fact that, like her father, she's a genius. And, like her mother, she's charismatic. So when Joanna tells him he loves Nyota, he believes her.

It takes a little while for the message, to sink in though.

Half an hour later, Spock is eating with Jim and Chekov in the Mess hall when suddenly he realises. He loves Nyota. The others, noticing that Spock has gone rigid in his seat and that they can tell that he's surprised, ask what's wrong. Because surely something must be wrong for Spock to be showing so much emotion - other than irritation - so blatantly.

"I love Nyota," he tells them.

This statement does not shock either Jim or Chekov and he wonders whether he actually said the words, or if they got caught somewhere between his heart, his brain and his mouth.

"Yeah, we know," Jim says, obliterating that thought. "So, seriously, what's up?"

Spock mutters something about the placement of objects in relation to himself not correlating to their importance either physically or emotionally, but Jim rolls his eyes; they've had that argument before.

"I think that Commander Spock has only just realised," Chekov says, around his thick Russian accent and the bite of food in his mouth.

Jim laughs raucously, until Spock asks him why he finds it humorous. This shuts Jim up pretty quickly, but before he has time to voice the thought; 'wait, seriously?' Spock is up, out of his chair and out of the door, leaving behind half his lunch. And Jim knows that Spock must be serious, because; firstly, the Vulcan never jokes, and secondly, he's left half of his nutrients-rich, carefully balanced lunch behind. Which never happens.

Spock does not waste time talking to the crew members who ask him what his wrong, doesn't answer his com when it goes off, because it is not Nyota, and he must see Nyota.

She is on the bridge, working through the new systems that maintenance have updated and familiarising herself with the equipment before they make their first contact with another race in two weeks' time. Spock pauses in the doorway, just looking at her, soaking up every detail of her body. Which is illogical because he sees her everyday, has made love to her, and he knows every detail. Still, it comforts him.

Nyota glances up after a little while and shoots him a half smile. She returns to her work without asking why he is there. Before she continues working, Spock steps forward and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Nyota," he says quietly, with more confidence than he actually has. "I did not want to interrupt you, but I had to tell you-" he hesitates, and she frowns at the unfamiliarity of the gesture. "-that I love you," he finishes quickly.

Her smile is like sunrise, warming him inexplicably. She stands and drops a kiss on his lips, then sits back down. "I know, Spock, you didn't have to tell me." She grins brilliantly up at him. "I love you too."

"You also do not need to say it. I am aware of your feelings," Spock tells her, his nervousness and joy making him sound more formal and cut off than usual. He squeezes her shoulder, so she knows that he does not mean to offend. But Nyota is smiling and he knows that everything between them is fine.

He kisses the top of her head as she returns to her work and then leaves, walking slowly back to the Mess hall with a smile tempting to curl the edges of his lips. He remains in control until he sees Jim grinning foolishly, expectantly and catches his eye. A tiny smile slips out and Jim's own expression becomes softer - a shared moment of understanding that is so rare between them. But their mutual enmity for each other had faded, somewhere during Spock saving Jim's life and Jim saving Spock's life, so he thinks that those shared moments will increase in number, although perhaps not frequency. It is good to know that he is no longer enemies with Jim, but perhaps friends.

It is better to know that Nyota loves him and that he, without any doubt, loves her.