Chapter 4

I was locked in the bathroom sobbing my heart out. I had been dreading this day and after being awake only an hour it was proving to be everything I feared. Eric was stood on the other side of the door threatening to tear it off its hinges if I didn't open it or come out.

"Go away, Eric!" I moaned through the tears. I was curled up in a ball on the floor. My back was against the cold surface of the bath and I was surrounded by tissues. I just couldn't stop the tears.

"Sookie, love, let me in and tell me what is wrong. Please my love." I could hear his desperation and fear but that only made me cry harder. Adding guilt to my already heavy heart. I had closed off the bond so that Eric wouldn't be burdened with my pain. I knew he hated it when I did that but I wouldn't have him feel my sorrow.

It amazed me that he didn't know what was wrong. It didn't take a genius to work out that today was the anniversary of gran's death. I always missed her but on this day my grief seemed to consume me. Now, with my added hormones, my misery was pure torture. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I remembered her smell, the musky scent of baking grease mixed in with the lavender perfume she wore. I remembered the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled and her lips would curl up slightly. I remembered the way it would feel when she held me. No one else could make me feel like that. It was the comfort of a parent. Protective, loyal, loving and affectionate all at once. It made me feel warm and safe no matter how bad things had seemed before. God I missed her!

"Sookie you are scaring me. I will give you to the count of ten and then I am coming in door or not!" Eric was yelling and the cold tone of his anger made my chest heave. I couldn't breathe. I just curled up tighter in my ball and wished with everything I had that I could see her one more time. I wanted to tell her I was pregnant. I wanted her to meet Eric. I was sure she would hate him. "He's not a good Christian gentleman Sookie." She would say, "How do you know he will treat you right?" She loved Bill for his southern gentility. Eric was everything that Bill wasn't. I also knew, without a doubt, she would be happy for me and once she saw how well Eric treated me she would be singing his praises. Gran was nothing if not open minded.

"3, 2, 1..." I didn't move not even to the loud crash of Eric breaking down the door. I didn't look up. I didn't speak. I just curled up in my ball and cried. I felt cold hands lifting me but I didn't move. I remained rigid even as he carried me to the bed and placed me on his lap. He curled his arms around me and nuzzled his face in my neck.

"What's wrong Sookie? Speak to me?" The pain in his voice made me shake with grief and guilt. Gran would kick my ass if she saw me like this. You can overcome anything if you don't bellyache.

"Eric," I slowly uncurled myself and buried my face in his chest. I was tiny on his lap. His grip around me tightened and I felt his body relax slightly. "I'm sorry. Today is the anniversary of gran's death. I will be alright I just need to get it out of my system today." I sniffed as I spoke.

"Would you like to go to Bon Temps today? We could take flowers to her grave?" His voice was heavy with his concern. I looked up into his face through my bleary eyes.

"That would be great." I smiled tentatively at him and he smiled broadly back at me. "Would you mind if I get ready by myself while you sort the driver and stuff?" I knew he would want to stay with me while I got ready but I need a few minutes to pull myself together.

"As you wish. I will wait for you in the kitchen." He lifted me off his lap, kissed me and then disappeared.

I dialled the one number I could think of that might help me today.

"Sam Merlotte." I internally cringed at the sound of the shifter. I really didn't like him. He was my best hope for advice on Sookie.

"Sookie is upset. We are coming to Bon Temps can you think of anything I can do to make it better?" He chuckled down the phone and I nearly crushed the handset in my ire.

"Of course she is upset Eric. She is grieving and her gran was everything to her. She will be a mess all day but you just have to be there for her. Bring her to the bar and I will talk to her about it. She tends to clam up when she is upset." Was this dog actually telling me what to do? Me!

"Very well if you think it will help but what else can I do?" I hadn't seen mourning like this in hundreds of years and I was worried that I would make it worse for my wife.

"Take her to the grave to say goodbye. If she needs time alone respect that. You could also take her the house so she feels closer to the memories that are probably flooding her mind right now." I could feel her getting closer even though she had blocked the bond. All I could feel was the warm glow of her life. I hated the loss of the bond and it pained me that she felt it was necessary. This was not like her. She had never seemed so defeated before. My warrior goddess was strong and stood firm against all enemies but the demons of her heart were winning today.

"It will be done." Kale came in from the laundry room and poured Sookie's coffee.

"Oh and Eric...don't tell her it will be alright just let her remember." I snapped my phone shut just as she walked in. Her eyes were red and puffy but she still looked like the goddess she was. She had curled her hair up in a twist at the back of her head and she was wearing the white dress with red flowers that I loved. She only wore that dress on very special occasions and I began to understand the importance of this day. She had never spoken of it before and I wondered at my lack of knowledge. It seemed silly to me to mourn this way. She was just as dead today as any other, why grieve more today?

I got dressed in a haze and plodded downstairs. I was hungry and while I didn't really want to eat I knew I had to for the baby. When I arrived in the kitchen Kale was handing me my coffee (the only cup I was allowed a day) and a plate of pancakes. I climbed up onto Eric's lap and he wrapped his arms around my waist while I ate. On any other day having breakfast in my husband's lap would have been enough to fill me with joy and plant a solid smile on my face. Not today. Today I missed gran's breakfast. I missed her telling Jason to stop eating like a pig. I missed her humming as she fried bacon, eggs, everything she could find in the skillet. I missed her.

I ate in silence and I was glad that Eric didn't try to get me to talk. I just didn't have it in me today. He held my hand as we headed to the car and I noticed that Will was our bodyguard today. He had his arms full of flowers as he climbed into the car with us and I was glad that he didn't speak to me either. He had a tender look in his eyes and I knew he understood, as only those with heartbeats could.

The car parked at the house and Eric and I walked to the cemetery. Eric ordered Will to wait with the driver by the car and he took the flowers. The walk seemed to take forever although it was only a few minutes. Eric stopped just as we were approaching the grave. I noticed that there was already a small bunch of flowers there so Jason must have visited earlier.

"Do you want me to wait here so you can have a minute alone or do you want me to come with you?" I smiled weakly at Eric for his thoughtfulness. It meant a lot to me that he would understand I needed time alone.

"I could use a few minutes." He nodded and handed me the flowers. I took them and kissed him long and hard. "Thank you," I breathed into his mouth. He seemed pleasantly surprised by my reaction.

I laid the flowers down neatly against the white headstone. I fell to my knees and pressed my hands into the hard earth.

"Hey Gran," I whispered. A singe tear rolled down my cheek. "I miss you so much but I want you to know that I am alright. Turns out you were right after all. I would get everything I ever wanted when the right guy showed up." I rubbed my stomach absent mindedly. "Wish you could see us. I am still keeping my promise. I am using my gifts to help others and I swear I won't stop. It scares me sometimes but you were right about that too and if it hadn't been for you I might not be where I am now. Thank you, gran. Thank you for taking care of me right till the end. I love you." The empty hole in my heart seemed to throb but I knew that I had given into my misery for long enough today. I had a wonderful life and, while I would never stop loving her, I had to live my life. I closed my eyes and breathed in the dusty smell of the graveyard. I could hear the birds singing happily in the trees above me and I could feel the sun warming my skin through the branches. It was a nice day.

I got up and walked to where Eric was leaning, very sexily, against a tree. He was looking down at the ground but I knew he had been watching me very carefully and he could hear everything I had just said. I opened up the bond and he looked up at me with a ridiculous smile.

"You promised her you would use your gift?" I nodded and he took my hand in his. We were walking towards the house but he was going at my very sluggish human pace. I was starting to get hungry again and I wondered if he would mind stopping at Merlotte's for lunch before we left. It had been a long time since I had enjoyed burger Lafayette. "What did you mean if it hadn't been for her you might not be where you are now?" I could hear his anxiety as well as feel it. I smiled up at my husband. He was such a ruthless badass and yet I could reduce him to a nervous mass. How did I get so lucky? I stopped and looked up at him.

"Do you remember the night I first came into the club with Bill, the night we met?" His fangs ran down and his smug smile spread over his face wiping away his uncertainty. He ran his hands over my dress and I shivered at is touch.

"Of course, you wore that dress. I had never wanted anything so much in my existence. You were an angel surrounded by monsters and I wanted to take you as mine." I smiled remembering how little I had wanted Eric then. I had been interested in him, to be sure, but I was so in love with Bill. I couldn't see anything else. What a fool I had been!

"Well I was there because Gran told me to use my gift to try and help my brother. If it hadn't been for her I might never have met you and who knows where I would be now. She told me I should use my gift to help others because god had given it me for a reason. She said I was destined for something great and if I followed my heart and did what was right god would steer me right." I shrugged and took his free hand in mine. "She was always right. It led me to you." I pressed both of his hands against my stomach, "it led us to this." He pulled me into him and kissed me passionately. I could feel his desire pressing against me but I knew that he wouldn't push. He kissed me long, his tongue probing my mouth and twisting with mine but I could feel through the bond this wasn't about sex. He was just expressing his love for me which was all I wanted right in that moment.

"Min angel, jag älskar dig." [My angel, I love you.] He placed his arm over my shoulder and I curled into his side as we continued to walk to the house. I was surprised that he led me inside without direction. How did he know I would want to spend time here today?

When we got inside the fire was already lit and he sat me down on the couch pulling the old afghan over both of us. I giggled at the face he pulled at the offending cloth but snuggled contentedly into his side. I was suddenly very tired but I didn't want to sleep.

"Tell me about her." I raised my eyebrows and looked at him. He responded by pulling me tighter into his side. I sighed and watched the fire crackle and hover.

"She made this," I said taking a handful of the afghan. "She made it for me right after my parents died. She said that when it was wrapped around me, keeping me warm I could remember them and it would be like they were hugging me. It never worked. I always thought of her. It was like she was hugging me."

"I wish I could have met her. I would have liked her." I kissed his chest. I knew he meant it and coming from a vampire that meant a lot.

"She would have hated you," I teased. He chuckled and absently stroked my arm.

"Of course, she wouldn't have been a very good guardian if she didn't protect you but no woman could resist my charms forever. She would have come round." I laughed heartily at that.

"Like I did?"

"Exactly." We sat laughing and talking for a long time. I told him stories of my childhood and he asked me about the woman I had come here to remember. It felt good to talk to him about her and being in her house as we talked made me feel like she was still with me.

"You are hungry," he said after a couple of hours. I nodded but made no attempt to move. "Let's go to Merlotte's and get you something to eat." I looked up at him in surprise and he roared with laughter at the look on my face. "I know you." Was all he said to explain. He helped me up and we left hand in hand. I didn't look back at the house.