I know, I know, I'm the worst updater ever :S The only excuse I can give is that in this season, so close from Christmas eve I haven't had much time to write. I hope you enjoy this chapter and the wait was worth. It is set exactly at the end of 7x06 "Epilogue." where Dave is sitting next to Carolyn's grave. So, enjoy it and remember, any comment or criticism will be appreciated. Also, I want to give a HUGE thanks to those who have left me a review, It really means a LOT to me :D ... and of course, Happy Holidays Everyone!

I want to thank Nebula2 for the beta.

I don't owe Criminal Minds or any of his characters.

OoOoO

Chapter IV: I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

Hotch got out of his car and started walking slowly, his footsteps soundless over the green grass.

He had been here just a few days ago, along with the rest of the team at Carolyn's funeral, wanting to be there for Dave, supporting him.

The funeral had been simple and small, led by Father Jimmy, Dave's long time friend. Dave had organized everything so quickly that only two of his siblings had been able to come with such short notice. Dave's mother had wanted to come, Mary, Dave's older sister had told Hotch, but she had been in poor health lately and her doctor hadn't authorized her to fly.

Carolyn didn't really have family, her mother and brothers had died a long time ago, but Hotch had asked Garcia to do a little research, and she had found and contacted some of the friends she had in Georgia, where she had been living the last few years, and they had been able to come.

After that night when Dave had told him about Carolyn's disease, they hadn't really talked. He hadn't seen Dave either after the funeral, remembering how much it had botherered him sometimes when people, neighbors and sometimes even the rest of the team were hovering over him, asking if he was okay. He had known back then that they just wanted to make sure he was okay, but still, sometimes it was too much, and he had wanted, needed to be alone.

He had made a point to call Dave every now and then though, to ask if he needed anything, and implicitly, to let him know he was not alone, that if he needed someone to talk, he was there.

Today, now that the team had the day off and Jack wasn't with him, Hotch had decided to go see Dave. When he had arrived at Dave's, he had found the house empty, but had immediately know where Dave was.

Hotch stopped a few feet away, watching.

Dave had put a blanket over the grass and was sitting in the front of Carolyn's grave, his shoulders slumped forward. Hotch pressed his lips together, remembering the countless times he had spent hours sitting in front of Haley's grave, just wanting to be near her. Hotch shook his head and began walking toward Dave, stopping at his side.

"I had a feeling I'd find you here," Hotch said, throwing Dave's words back at him, the ones he had told Hotch after Strauss had offered him retirement, and he had gone to see Haley.

Dave turned his head toward Hotch, acknowledging his presence, but didn't say anything, he just turned his head back, his melancholic gaze glued to Carolyn's grave.

He wasn't surprised, he had felt Hotch's presence, had felt the other man's eyes on his back for a few minutes, probably since he had came here.

During the instant Dave turned, Hotch looked at his face carefully, for any signs of discomfort that would indicate Dave would rather be left alone, but didn't find any, so he lowered himself, sitting next to Dave.

Hotch remained silent, without saying the words 'I'm sorry' or asking him how he was, knowing that in a moment like this, after a great loss, words were useless. Knowing that hear someone say ´I'm sorry´ did not made you feel any better, and ´How are you?´ was an absurd question, because you couldn't feel more than miserable.

Looking at Dave out of the corner of his eye, Hotch pressed his lips together, and waited. Ready to hear what Dave had to say, when the older Agent was ready to talk.

They sat in silence for a while, the only sound coming from the joyful singing of some birds in a tree nearby, offsetting with the pain and grief this place bore.

Licking his lips, Dave finally looked at Hotch sideways.

"You never asked me what I did."

It was a simple sentence, but they both knew what Dave was talking about.

Hotch shrugged. "There is no reason why I should know, and well, I thought you would tell me if you wanted to... when you were ready."

Dave nodded looking away. It took him some time, but eventually he continued talking, his gaze fixed on his hands.

"I don't... I called her that night, to ask her if I could go see her, to talk." Dave stopped, drawing a deep breath before finish. "She took the pills before I got there. She- I didn't help her. I should have- I should have called an ambulance, I... I didn't do anything, I just saw her die. I just held her while she slipped away."

Dave had his hands stretched out, palms up before him, as if holding someone, his gaze fixed on them.

Hotch listened carefully to what Dave said, shaking his head in disagreement, but waited until Dave had finished before speaking.

"There was nothing you could do, you couldn't have saved her," Dave's head snapped up, and he looked at Hotch with an incredulous, angry look. Ignoring the gaze aimed at him, Hotch continued gently. "Even if you had called an ambulance and they had arrived on time, you wouldn't have been able to save her, not really, because she didn't want to be saved." Hotch paused a moment, searching for the best words to say what he was thinking. "You told me she wanted to go on her own terms, and this was the only way she could do it."

The thought that she would have done it again, when she could, was implied in Hotch's words.

Feeling the tears pool in his eyes, Dave looked away.

"She told me she knew I wouldn't do it, that's why she- that's why she did it alone."

Aaron drew a slow breath, pressing his lips together but didn't say anything.

It wasn't until Dave felt he had his emotions under control that he looked back at Hotch. He cleared his throat.

"You didn't seem surprised," Dave said, nodding in the direction of the small grave next to Carolyn's, remembering the shocked and open-mouthed expressions on the face of everyone on the team, except for the man beside him.

Hotch risked a quick look at where Dave was pointing at, before returning his gaze to Dave's face.

"I kind of had figured it out." At Dave's arched eyebrow Hotch shrugged. "The thought had crossed my mind a few times, but well, it's not something you can just ask."

That was all Hotch said, knowing that the last thing Dave needed right now was hear his profile.

Dave nodded, a sad smile on his face.

"I never saw myself as a parent, you know? It was like parenthood and I didn't... fit. Carolyn knew it. I still remember when she told me she was pregnant." A wishful expression appeared on his face, remembering. "She stood before me and said she didn't care if I wanted a baby or not, that she was going to have him and it was my decision if I wanted to be part of it or not."

Hotch watched Dave carefully as he spoke, his lips curling into a sad smile. Dave's body was relaxed, his gaze ahead him, eyes bright and a light smile on his face.

"I was so happy, it was as if what I had hoped and waited my whole life had finally come." The smile faded from Dave's lips and a painful expression appeared on his face. "It... there were some problems during the birth, , I... the doctors were able to complete the delivery, but the baby had trouble breathing and feeding and... he died two hours after."

Hotch drew a slow breath watching as a tear ran down Dave's cheek, feeling his own eyes fill with tears. He could't help but think of Jack, Hotch don't know what he would have done in Dave's place, if he had lost his son. He felt a chill go down his spine, just thinking about it.

"I'm so sorry Dave, I..." Hotch sighed, not knowing how to continue he just shook his head, looking away.

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes before either of them spoke again. Surprisingly, it was Dave who broke the silence.

"Everything changed after that, it- I think that's why our relationship ended, It was hard just to see her sometimes,"

Pressing his lips together, Hotch nodded slowly, not knowing how to respond.

"I got a bit carried away, didn't I?" Dave said after a bit of silence trying to lighten the mood but failing, his smile tight and his eyes slightly bloodshot.

Hotch shook his head effusively. "No, no, of course not! I just... I'm sorry, I don't-" Aaron drew a deep breath, trying to settle himself. "I can't imagine how hard this is for you, reliving everything... I just want to thank you for trusting me with this." Hotch finished, looking straight in the eyes of the man he considered was his best friend.

Dave offered him a watery smile. "You know how much I trust you. I... I haven't talked about him for a long time. Since he died," Dave opened and closed his mouth a couple times before he could speak. "Thank you for hearing me out."

"You have nothing to thank me for." Hotch said, a sad smile on his lips.

Dave nodded his understanding, and they fell silent again.

It kind of made Dave feel good, to let it all out. To talk about James. The only other time he had address the subject had been right after it happened, to Jimmy. It had hurt like hell, but in the end, it had been good, and it had made him feel slightly better, over time.

"Where's Jack?" Dave asked after a while, frowning slightly.

"He's at JJ's. Jack has been pushing on going to play with Henry for a while now and yesterday JJ said I should take him to her home because Henry wanted to see him too." Hotch said smiling. It still amazed him how well Jack and Henry get along in spite of the age difference between them.

Dave nodded, but didn't say anything.

Hotch looked quickly at his watch, he should go pick Jack up from JJ's in less than half hour. He looked at Dave.

"I should go but I..." Hotch bit his lip, as Dave's eyes met his. "I know it wasn't the same, but I know what it's like to lose someone important in your life, someone you love. I know how hard it is but... but alienating yourself from the people who love you is not the answer, believe me, I know. You know we're all here for you, all of us, you just have to let us in." Hotch offered him a small smile. "Besides, Jack misses his uncle Dave."

Dave blinked at Hotch a few times, before nodding. "I know," He whispered, rubbing his forehead.

Hotch put a hand on Dave's shoulder, squeezing it lightly before he got up and walked away, leaving Dave sitting over the grass, looking after him.

OoOoO

So, I lied, this will be a five-shot after all. This chapter ended too long so I break it in two parts. The other part is almost finished, so I'll post it quickly, I promise :)

A/N:Thanks to all who read it. I hope you all have enjoyed, and as always feedback appreciated. Thank you.