4
In the early hours of the following morning, Rick made his way back into the infirmary after spending most of the previous day with Ezekiel. Moving into the semi lit room, Rick's breath hitched in his chest when he saw Carol's broken body, totally unprepared for seeing her like that. Tears stung his eyes when he moved a little bit closer towards the bed, trying not to focus on how vulnerable she looked. His time spent outside in the hall with his brother had caused his long-buried guilt to reemerge. He'd managed to bury his shortcomings so deeply that it had taken something like this to break them open again. He had been reminded of everything he'd done wrong, everything...
Hot tears blurred his vision when he moved closer, his fingertips coming to rest on the pink mottled blanket that was draped over Carol's body. Blinking at the moisture in his eyes, Rick took a deep breath and allowed his gaze to settle on the woman who had plucked at his conscience. She was laying in the bed, her eyes closed and her arm outstretched, clutching the hand of the man who was sleeping in the chair beside her bed. For a moment Rick couldn't move. His eyes were transfixed on the couple, and for the hundredth time that day, he admonished himself for not paying attention. These two were bound to each other through a bond that went far deeper than love...and he'd missed it. He'd missed it at the farm...he'd missed it at the prison...he'd even missed it when Carol returned to stop Negan in his tracks. He had failed both of them on an epic scale...but most of all, he had failed her.
He stood at the end of her bed for a few moments, feeling like an intruder in her room. Her eyes were closed and her silver hair was highlighted against the whiteness of her pillow. He tried not to notice how fragile she looked, or how the edges of a bandage peeking over the neckline of her shirt, made her skin look somehow paler. With an IV above her and small bruises covering her pale arm, he felt his resolve crumble around him. Taking a step away, he moved backwards, intending to leave the couple to their sleep, but before he could leave the room, Carol's eyes snapped open.
Rick was rooted to the spot, part of him wanting to flee. For a moment he watched silently, feeling like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His mouth opened, but his words got lost in his throat. He wanted to tell her he was going to make everything right again; and he would make up for the terrible wrongs he'd inflicted upon her. He wanted to flee and beg her forgiveness at the same time, but when she offered him a tired smile, his relief spurred him forward and drowned out all of those thoughts. Coming away from the door, he moved back towards her bed, tiptoeing so he wouldn't wake his dozing brother beside her. He watched as she followed his gaze, turning her head to check that the man beside her was still asleep, before she looked at him again.
"He's finally sleeping," she whispered, nodding towards her slumbering protector, pleased that he had finally given in and closed his eyes. She allowed her gaze to drift over his crumpled form once more, unprepared for the surge of love that soared through her in that moment. This man had managed to dissolve many of her insecurities by staying by her side throughout all of this...and she couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from him.
"Hey… how're you feeling?" Rick whispered, keeping his voice deliberately low as he moved closer to stop beside her bed. He came around to the opposite side, careful to avoid the IV tube that ran over the bed and into her hand. He reached out to her, laying his hand over her blanket covered knee. He patted softly before he pulled his hand away and smiled down at her, his eyes awash with tears.
"Been better," she smiled as she tore her eyes away from Daryl to look up at him. Her breath caught a little when she saw how he seemed to be slowly coming apart before her eyes...but when he didn't say anything else, she felt a sudden need to break the silence. "You brought me here?"
"We both did," Rick nodded as he glanced across to his sleeping brother who hadn't moved. "I'm glad to see you finally got him to rest."
"Yeah," she chuckled softly. "He's too stubborn for his own good sometimes...it took a lot of coaxing just to let the doctor look at his hand."
Rick followed her gaze, his eyes flaring with guilt when he saw his brother's bandaged hand. Nodding silently, he smiled up at her, wishing that he could erase the image of her broken, lifeless body out of his mind...but before he could tell her he was happy to see her looking better, she spoke again, knocking his world off kilter again.
"How did he do it?" she asked him, gesturing towards the man beside her. "He won't tell me."
"He...ah...he was a mess," he told her. "He took his frustrations out on the wall...he...doesn't do too well without you."
"I know the feeling," she chuckled mirthlessly, feeling a tiny measure of guilt when she saw something akin to shame flash in Rick's eyes.
The former sheriff lowered his gaze, suddenly unable to look at her. He owed this woman so much, and until a few days ago, he hadn't realised that he'd never even apologised to her for what he'd done. Things had happened so fast that there didn't seem to be any time for dwelling on past mistakes...but by not addressing them, he'd only managed to make things worse.
"He made me think on some past mistakes I'd made...and some...bad choices."
"We've all made some bad choices, Rick," she told him on a sigh. "Some of us just can never recover from them."
Silence hung between them, mingling with the sudden shift in the room. She was watching him with multiple accusations in her eyes, and even though he knew he deserved them, he just wished that he could escape her scrutinizing stare. Lowering his gaze, he focussed on his hands instead, unable to look at her.
"I'm not proud of what I did to you," he admitted softly, his voice still low. "And... I should have apologised to you a long time ago."
Rick lifted his head to chance a look at her when she remained silent, her steely gaze fixed on him as he tried to explain. This woman had the power to terrify him, like she had an invisible switch that just turned on when she was needed to get things done. She wasn't afraid to take on a psychopath like Negan, and she wasn't afraid to single handedly walk into a place like terminus and kill anyone who was a threat. She was so strong, so much stronger than he gave her credit for...and part of him was just waiting for her to finally punish him for the treacherous thing he did to her.
"What I did to you…it was wrong," he told her solemnly, her silence unnerving him. "Carol…"
"What do you want me to say?" she asked him then, her voice low as she shifted a little in the bed. She grimaced when the pain shot through her abdomen, but she was careful not to make a sound. She hissed out a breath as she glanced across at Daryl, making sure she hadn't disturbed his sleep.
"I need to know we're okay...Carol...I..."
"You want me to tell you I don't harbour any ill feelings towards you?" she asked him, her voice strangely calm. "You want me to say everything's okay?"
"No... yes…"
"Am I supposed to forget you told me I would kill your children?"
"I was wrong…"
"Yes, you were," she hissed, knowing this wasn't the time to unleash everything onto him. So, taking a breath, she reigned those feelings back inside. There would be another time to deal with him, when she was stronger and not tethered to a hospital bed. Turning her gaze onto his flushed face, she watched as a myriad of emotions flashed in his eyes. She could see him crumbling, unravelling and tearful, so she waited for him to regain his composure before she spoke again. "But you did me a favour by kicking me out that day."
"What…" shaking his head, Rick took a step closer towards her until he was perched on the side of her bed. "Don't say it like that, Carol. Please don't...I…"
"What would you call it then Rick?" she asked in a hushed whisper. "You locked that car door and threw my bags onto the street…"
"I was worried about Tyreese…"
"You were worried about yourself," she snapped, her voice slicing icily through his. "And after terminus you treated me like I had to be grateful that you took me back into your precious group."
"Carol…"
"You taught me to be careful who I trusted in future," she told him honestly. "And for a while, I was going to leave again as soon as I got Ty and Judith back to you. I would have gone too if Daryl hadn't found me before I could leave."
"I… I didn't know that..." Rick's voice wavered, guilt fraying his words. "I'm so sorry...I know I can't ever make up for what I did, but I want you to come home to us when you're well enough...Daryl needs you to come home...and I do too."
"I can't promise you that," she sighed sadly. "You forced me to survive on my own, and now I can."
"Carol…"
"Whatever I decide to do, I'll be doing it for Daryl," she told him, her voice softening when she glanced back to the man still sleeping beside her. "I promised him I wouldn't leave him again."
"I…"
Daryl's eyes suddenly snapped open and he sat up stiffly in his chair. Blinking heavily, he clutched her hand a little tighter before he noticed that his brother was perched on the side of her bed. He nodded towards Rick as he squeezed Carol's fingers, bringing their joined hands towards his lips.
"Hey...yer supposed to be sleepin'."
"That's my fault," Rick told him, his eyes flitting between the couple who were still clutching one another's hand. "I only intended to stay for a few minutes, but…"
"Rick just wanted to see how we were doing," Carol nodded, looking towards Daryl with a reassuring smile.
"Yeah," the former sheriff agreed, smiling gratefully at the woman in the bed. "I just wanted to see if you two needed anything while I'm here."
"Ya goin' back to Alexandria?" Daryl asked as he sat up straighter in his chair and stretched out his back.
"Depends on you two," Rick shrugged, looking between the two of them expectantly. "If doc says Carol can go home in a couple of days then I'll stay around and ride back with you."
Daryl felt Carol's fingers tighten around his and he instantly caught her gaze. Nothing had been decided, but he knew going back to Alexandria wasn't something she was ready for yet. He squeezed her fingers before he looked towards his brother and shrugged his shoulders.
"We're probably gonna stick around here for a while," Daryl told him, trying to ignore the flare of worry in Rick's eyes. "Doc wants to make sure she's healin' right, and I ain't goin' anywhere 'till she's ok."
"But…" Rick started, but his voice died on his lips when Daryl got to his feet.
"She's supposed to be restin'"
"Daryl...All I've done is sleep," Carol groused, already knowing that her annoyance had no effect on her stoic protector.
"And yer gonna sleep some more," he told her firmly, ignoring her protests and his brother's chiding grin.
"I'm tired of seeing these four walls…maybe you could see if I can get up to use the bathroom at least?" she tried again, hoping he would relent and get her out of here.
"Ya heard the doc," he admonished, shaking his head in defiance. "Ya ain't goin' nowhere 'till he says ya can."
"What are you going to do? Tie me to the bed?" she huffed, completely ignoring the fact that she would have said those words in a teasing tone once upon a time.
"If I have to," he snapped back, but his exasperation melted within seconds when he saw her eyes flash with hurt at his tone.
Rick watched the two of them silently, and he wondered if they even remembered he was still in the room. Their fingers were still entwined and their eyes were locked in a heated gaze, and he suddenly felt like a voyeur as he witnessed whatever this was that was brewing between them. He moved from the bed, trying to make an awkward exit, but before he could move, the couple seemed to come to a silent agreement. He watched in fascination as they smiled at each other; a real, genuine smile. Just seeing the sincerity in his brother's face made everything between the couple so completely real.
"So, am I gonna have ta tie ya down?" Daryl asked her, his eyes sparkling with mirth when she flashed him a wide grin.
"Well Pookie, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of kinky!"
"Pfft...think ya funny don't ya!" he scoffed, even though his face was burning under her gaze.
"Little bit," she chuckled as she tried unsuccessfully to stifle a sudden yawn. "Okay, I won't fight, but only if you promise to rest too."
"Alright," he told her with a wide smile, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. "I'll be fine sleepin' right here."
Carol nodded and watched him silently when he stretched the kinks out of his back and she suddenly wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him...how she had missed him so badly when she'd left to find the solitude she had thought she'd craved. This man had given her so much in such a short time, and even though he claimed he wasn't good at relationships, he had already shown her how loving someone was supposed to feel.
"Gotta take a piss," he announced, his declaration bringing a teasing smile to Carol's lips. Shaking his head, Daryl chuckled as he released her hand, waving off her smirk before leaning forward to press a kiss onto her forehead. He didn't even realise what he'd done until he pulled away, and his cheeks flamed slightly when he caught her bright smile. He couldn't help but return it as he grinned back, feeling lighter than he'd felt in months.
"Stay with 'er," Daryl looked towards Rick, his voice leaving no room for negotiation.
"I'll be right here, brother," Rick nodded. "I won't leave her alone again."
Daryl nodded, not missing the look that Carol fired towards the man standing beside her. He knew he'd awoken to some tension between them, and whatever it was, was still yet to be resolved. He glanced back towards the bed, his eyes meeting her blue gaze. He wanted her to stay here until she was well enough, even though he knew she would fight him throughout all of it. Deciding on pitching another course of action to her doctor, he grinned at her before he left the room.
On his way back from the restroom, Daryl went in search of Carol's doctor, hoping to run something by him to make her recovery a little less stressful. Moving along the corridor, he spotted Tonia in deep conversation with one of Ezekiel's guards and instantly changed direction. He'd been so furious with her, and part of him was still unsure why. She'd forced him to delve deeper into the relationship he'd always had with Carol, but until she'd gotten sick, he had to wonder how long they would have continued to just stay as they were. He didn't want just a friendship with Carol, and until he'd witnessed her reaction to Tonia, he hadn't realised that she wanted them to become more too. He loved her...he'd always loved her, and it took almost losing her to make him finally act on it.
Carol's doctor came out of a side room when Daryl saw him. He sped up his pace, calling out to him before he could disappear. "Hey Doc…"
"Mr Dixon," the doctor nodded as he turned around to face him. "Can I help you with something?"
"Uh yeah, I think so, doc... Carol's gettin' restless," he told him on a sigh. "I ain't gonna be able to keep 'er still for much longer."
"Mr Dixon your wife is recovering from a pretty nasty infection."
"Yeah, don't ya think I know that?" Daryl huffed, too tired to correct the doctor on his wrong assumptions right now. "But if ya knew 'er, you'd know that woman never listens to a damn thing when it comes to herself...she's always doin' stuff for everyone else and…"
"I understand," the doctor grinned, patting Daryl's shoulder sympathetically. "My wife was much the same when she was alive."
"I…"
"Look, tell your wife I'll be in to check on her later today. If her temperature is down and her next bloodwork comes back okay then maybe you can take her out into the gardens."
Nodding hopefully, Daryl knew that Carol hated the fact that he knew she had a catheter fitted. It didn't bother him one way or another, he was just so happy that she was awake and recovering. So, he hadn't mentioned it, even when she'd mentioned getting up to use the bathroom… and even now, Daryl still didn't think she even realized just how sick she was.
"She's gripin' about using the bathroom too, just so ya know," Daryl chuckled, shaking his head when he thought about Carol's determined glare earlier. "She ain't used ta bein' the one taken care of."
"Well one day at a time," the doctor smiled. "Let's see how her tests come back today."
"Alright," Daryl worried on his bottom lip thoughtfully for a moment before another thought struck him. "If her tests are good, in a few days can I take care a her at home instead a here?"
"I'd be reluctant because of the distance…"
"Nah we got a house near the kingdom," he cut in hopefully, his mind focussing on the run-down house where he'd found Carol before the war. "It's not far from here, an' I'll be with her every minute...won't let 'er do anythin' she ain't supposed ta."
The doctor regarded him for a moment, surprise registering in his eyes as he took in the sincerity of the man before him. The man looked gruff and stoic, so far from the loving husband that he was. "We'll discuss it later."
Daryl nodded his head in thanks as he turned away from the man before him. It wasn't a confirmation by any means, but it was a possibility. He hadn't discussed it with Carol yet, but he hoped if the doctor gave his permission, then she would accept the help he was offering. He wanted to stay with her and explore whatever this was that had been growing between them. So, he made his way back towards Carol's room, a new resolve in his step.
000
When he opened the door to Carol's room, he was surprised to see her sleeping again. Looking towards Rick, he eyed him questioningly when his brother pressed a finger against his own lips, hushing any questions he was going to ask. Rick got up from his chair and looked down at the slumbering woman once more before he reluctantly moved away and made his way towards him.
"We were talking," Rick whispered softly. "She just fell asleep in between telling me what an idiot I am!"
"Yeah?" Daryl grinned, looking around his brother to focus his gaze onto the woman in the bed.
"Yeah, and she wasn't wrong either," Rick chuckled. "I'm heading back to Alexandria tonight...if she's this exhausted after just talking, then she's not ready to travel home."
"She okay?" Daryl asked worriedly as he started towards the bed, but when Rick reached out to stop him, placing a hand on his arm, it took all his restraint to not push his brother away from him.
"She's going to get through this," Rick told him reassuringly. "You both are."
Daryl regarded him for a long moment before he nodded his head, "I'm gonna stay with 'er, ya know that right?"
"Yes, brother. I know."
"Okay," Daryl told him softly, aching to return to Carol's side. "And if she's not ready to go back home, then I ain't leavin' without her."
"I know that too," Rick smiled sadly as he glanced back towards the sleeping woman. "She deserves everything from both of us...I can't take back what I did, but I can give her this…"
"She talked about before? When ya left her out there?"
"Yes…" shaking his head, Rick lowered his eyes, shame cascading through him once more before he lifted his head and focussed on his brother's worried face. "The two of you need this...she needs this…"
"And if she doesn't wanna go back? Ya goin' to accept that?"
Rick closed his eyes against the swell of sorrow that soured through him. He didn't want to lose them, of course he didn't. They were his family, both of them... he was going to miss them, and grieve with every moment of their absence, but he knew he had to let them go.
"If it's what she needs, then yes," Rick told him, his voice cracking slightly as he spoke. "Because of you, I have my family. Because of her, I have my daughter. I owe both of you so much, and I owe her so much more than I can give her."
Daryl watched his brother silently, he too feeling the tear inside his heart. This man was his kin, regardless of blood. You made your own family in this world, and he'd found everything in these people since the turn. He'd gone from a man who clung to his brother because he was all he'd had, to a man who had been granted love from all different directions. His life had a purpose because of his makeshift family...and he'd been made whole because of the woman asleep in her bed.
"We'll come back one day," Daryl whispered, feeling his own grief beginning to burn in his eyes. "We will."
"I don't doubt it brother," Rick sniffed, clasping Daryl's hand tightly in his own. "If you need anything…"
"I'll get a message to you," he nodded, swiping at his eyes as he released his brother's hand. "Take Tonia back with ya too, there ain't nothin' for her to do here now. Whatever Carol needs, I'll be here."
Rick nodded solemnly and took one more look behind him before he offered Daryl a watery smile. With one final nod, he reached forward, engulfing the man before him in a tight embrace, before he released him just as quickly to pull the door open to step out of the room. Daryl watched the closed door for a few moments as he tried to blink the tears away. He would miss them all, there was no doubt about that, but he loved Carol...and she was everything.
Turning back towards the bed, he made his way over to retake his seat beside her. He couldn't help but watch her for a few moments, relishing the delicate curves of her cheek. Leaning back in his chair again, he sighed when he realised he missed the feel of her hand in his, but he didn't reach for her this time Instead he watched her while she slept, already making plans for their future in his head. Carol whimpered in her sleep and he was instantly on high alert. Sitting up in his chair, he leaned closer towards the bed, sliding his fingers over the blanket. He watched silently, his heart leaping inside his chest when she flexed her fingers and moved her hand, seeking blindly until she met his. He shuffled closer, wrapping his fingers around hers, her warmth filling him with a sense of relief.
"It's okay," he whispered softly, skimming a fingertip across her knuckles. "'M here... never gonna leave ya again…"
Carol sighed and slowly opened her eyes, blinking heavily as she focussed on his worried face. "Mmm... I fell asleep…"
"S'okay," he told her softly when he brought their joined hands to his lips. "Ya need ta sleep."
"Will... you stay?" she yawned, even though her eyes were closing as she spoke.
Daryl nuzzled her fingers, peppering kisses over her knuckles before he rested their interlocked fingers against his cheek.
"Always," he whispered softly, watching the small smile tug at her lips before she fell into slumber once more. His gaze lingered over her long after she had closed her eyes. Nothing mattered any more, nothing but her. With their hands still clutched tightly together, Daryl lowered his forehead onto the bed beside her and allowed the past few days to wash over him. Closing his eyes, he sighed against her fingers, hoping to find some blessed relief from all of the fears that flittered around inside his head... and as his body relaxed, giving in to the exhaustion that encompassed him, he knew that his life would never be the same again... and he wouldn't have it any other way.
tbc