Joker spends a long time with you, mostly talking about what happened to the crew of the Normandy as a whole directly after you destroyed the Citadel. You learn that everyone (save for EDI and Legion, who are missed immediately upon remembering them, the thought of which wretches your soul) aboard the Normandy survived the battle. They crash-landed several systems away, on a relatively unsettled planet in the Arcturus Stream, and had to repair the Normandy manually before setting off to find the closest Mass Relay. Which, as you knew before he even said so, was nothing more than a hunk of twisted metal. The crew (he doesn't mention specific names, much your dismay) managed to get to a colony that somehow avoided the invasion and acquire the necessary fuel and resources to make their way back to the Sol System – even with their superior engines and the leaps and bounds made in FTL travel, without the Mass Relays, it took 3 months to get back to Earth. By the time they had returned, the Alliance had already began to work on repairing the relays, the entire crew was all set to receive the highest honors that every single Council planet had to offer, and you were barely more than a hunk of meat fighting to stay alive on a surgery table in the best hospital humanity had left standing.
He said they found your body in London, under a ton of rubble, barely alive. In fact, he said, if it wasn't for Dr. Chakwas immediately taking charge of your care upon her return to Earth, they would have pulled the plug on you the same week the crew arrived back.
The more you talk to Joker the more you remember how much you enjoyed his company – he is trustworthy and honest, and a good friend to have. You miss his beard, you think once as you see him raise a hand to rub the now smooth skin there, but facial hair is hardly what makes Joker the man he is today. You decide that he is as good of a person as any to ask the question that has been on the tip of your tongue since waking up.
"Joker", you say slowly, carefully considering your words so you don't come off completely insane. "I'm having some... trouble... remembering everyone."
"Trouble?", he questions. He cocks an eyebrow at you, obviously amused.
"It's just... I see everyone's face in my head, but I can't seem to put together who they belong to."
He laughs, a hearty laugh accompanied with a broad smile; it makes you feel a little silly for being so afraid to ask him – or Karin, for that matter – earlier.
"Oh how they mighty have fallen." You rolls your eyes at him. "I'm kidding, Commander. What can I do to help?"
"Can we just, like... go through the list? Usually when you say the name it hits me – when Dr. Chakwas said Jeff was coming, I didn't know who she was talking about though. It wasn't until she said Joker that it hit me. So, I don't know. Start at the beginning?"
Joker leans back again, bringing a hang up to run his (smooth) chin as he thinks about where to start. He starts, like you had suggested, at the beginning, with the crew that flew to Eden Prime with you back on the SSV Normandy.
Kaiden Alekno, who you by no means had forgotten, the gifted human biotic who gave his life for the cause on Virmire. (You remember him being an integral soldier and a loyal companion, and are sad that he didn't get the chance to see how everything turned out.) And Ashley Williams... Ashley. You remember Ashley, but it's fragmented. She smells like brown sugar, she loves the color purple, and you remember thinking she was beautiful (in the way that you would think a younger sister is beautiful – a strange combination of admiration and jealousy). The terms of your friendship are blurry, unclear, and for every single ounce of love you feel for her, you feel the same in anger. You shake thoughts of Ashley Williams away, their complexity too much for your tired brain to process right now. Joker moves right along at the nod of your head, thankfully. He talks about Garrus Vakarian, the turian ex-CSEC officer that came to be your best friend (you remember Garrus surprisingly vividly, and out of the people mentioned by Joker so far, you are most excited to see him). He talks about a few others on your crew, important people like Urdnot Wrex, Tali'Zorah, Liara T'Soni...
Liara.
You stop him when he goes to move on from Liara.
"Wait", you say, interrupting the beginnings of a story about a kind man you remember named Adams, "Liara. Tell me more about Liara."
"Of course you want to hear more about her", he laughs. "She's an asari archeologist. You picked her up on Therum when we were looking for information on Saren – her mom lost her mind and was following him around like a puppy, so we went to see if she knew anything. Turns out she's a genius that can use a gun, who would have thought, so she came with us."
"Do you... um...", you trail off, not sure how to continue without sounding insane and creepy. "Do you have a picture?"
He considers, eventually pulling up his omnitool. He taps away at it as you sit by impatiently, craning your neck to try to see what he's pulling up – he chuckles and jerks away every time you get close, however, leaving you to pout as he searches for whatever it is he's looking for.
He finally extends his arm to you so you can see – pulled up on his omnitool is a picture of you and the absolute most beautiful asari you have ever seen, leaning on the guard rail over the galaxy map on the new Normandy. You're both happy, smiling broadly, her pointing excitedly to something on the map and you looking at her like she's the only person on a ship filled with staff.
"Traynor took that", Joker says (you remember Traynor, too, vividly – you rather enjoyed her company, actually, and you remember losing many games of chess to her in your cabin).
"I love her", you whisper, eyes transfixed on the photo, before you even notice the words tumbling from your lips.
"Traynor?", Joker says, a smile on his face and his eyebrows in his hairline. "Don't tell Liara that."
You shake your head and look up at him with your own eyebrow raised.
"No...", you drag out, "Liara."
"Well, yeah. You've been together, and annoyingly happy, for a while now. Hey, it's kind of weird that you remembered me almost instantly but not Liara–"
"Stop, Joker."
"I'm just saying, Commander, maybe it's a sign. Me and you shoul–"
You use your good arm to shove his shoulder weakly, to which he mocks a serious injury and threatens to start disconnecting various tubes from your body.
After laughing, the two of you fall into a not entirely unpleasant silence.
The two of you are quite for a very long time, during which you are sure you dozed off several times and always woke to find Joker still there, he sighed heavily and leaned his head forward to rest on the guard rail of the bed. You use every last bit of your strength to raise your hand and awkwardly pat his head in an attempt to do something at least mildly reassuring.
"I hated you", he says, breaking the comfortable silence you had fallen in. When you don't say anything, he continues. "I hated you for months because of what you did – I mean, destroying all synthetic life? The Reapers were gone, yeah, and I was over the moon about that. But..."
He trails off, and you hang your head.
"But, EDI", you finish for him.
"Yeah. EDI."
You wrack your still acclimating brain for something you could say to him, but you can't think of anything that will make what happened make sense to him the way it does to you. You settle on the facts – the truth, though often painful, is usually the only way to get people to take you seriously. (Well, you say that now, but look at how long it took the Council to be even a little concerned about the Reapers when you were there yelling at them about it for three years – you suppose that sometimes even the truth doesn't matter, and that thought makes you a little sad.)
"I had other options", you begin. He immediately raises his head and looks at you with his mouth agape – you can see the confusion etched onto his face, you can see the gears in his mind working to think of what the other options must have been to lead you to settle on the one you did. You half expect him to begin to argue, but he doesn't say anything. Your throat is sore, and simply talking seems to strain your lungs in a way you're not at all used to yet, but you press on.
"The catalyst... it gave me other options. I could have controlled them."
Joker deflates a little.
"Like the Illusive Man wanted."
"Or", you continue with a tight nod in his direction, "I could have become one with them. I could have become one with all synthetic life. Become one with the Reapers."
He deflates even further, falling back roughly against the chair, and hangs his head. Silence once again settles over both of you, but it isn't comfortable like it was the first time – this silence is strained, Joker trying to make sense of everything and you doing what you could with what little grasp you had on your ability to explain it to him. When he finally speaks, the tears are falling all over again – your heart breaks at the sight.
"I didn't say goodbye", he says, barely above a whisper. "We took off out of Earth's atmosphere with EDI still down there and I thought, Shepard can do this. Shepard will do this. And we'll pick her and EDI and everyone else up in the Normandy and high tail it out of here when it's all said and done. Ashley and Liara had to basically force me out of the Sol System."
You wonder how long Joker sat just outside the Earth's atmosphere, watching all of the other ships leave the Sol System in a frenzy, waiting for you to call for the shuttle and come get you. You wonder what it was like on the bridge, Joker with Ashley and Liara (God, Liara... you want to see her so badly all of the sudden – you're sure she's been here to visit, knowing her she visited more often than anyone else, but you haven't seen her yet. And you desperately need to see her) all realizing that the call wasn't going to come. That you didn't make it. That you weren't coming back.
"But you did it, Shepard. You did. You did what everyone thought was impossible. More than once."
The muscles in your face strain and pull, the pain tingling underneath the dull buzz of the painkillers beginning to surface, but you ignore it to offer him a strained and tired (but genuine, none the less) smile.
"I wish there was another way, Joker."
He nods.
"Me too."
Joker stayed a little longer, until Dr. Chakwas wandered back in to administer your next (much needed) dose of painkillers. As soon as she exited, he pat your hand before standing slowly. As if for old time's sake, he saluted you – you were too tired to laugh, though you wanted to, so you offered him an eye roll instead.
"Damn happy to have you back with us, Commander. Let me know if you need anything."
"Actually, Joker", you say as he starts to make his way towards the door, "could you do me a favor?"
He spins around immediately. "Absolutely. What's up?"
"Message everyone. Liara, first. But... everyone. Tell them I'm awake. Dr. Chakwas said she was going to wait, but... I don't want to wait. I want to see them."
Joker smiles, still odd to you without the familiar facial hair but definitely the same smile you remember, and immediately raises his omnitool to type up what you can only assume is the message to your crew.
"Get some sleep. And expect a lot of visitors tomorrow, Commander."