Despite being "dead" my first rest as a vampire is plagued by an awful nightmare. In this dream-place I'm standing with Godric in the snow but we are absolutely silent. Instead of communicating we stand facing one another as the snow drifts around us until it is all that we can see. I'm satisfied with just this until the first gun shot echoes around me. Instinctively I jerk my body toward action but Godric's stare alone keeps me in place.
Stunned into paralysis the only thing I can do is stare into those magic eyes with desperate yearning. I know what's going on, I can hear the screams and the shouts and the laughter and the chaos but I cannot make a move. Tears burn my vision so that everything mixes along with the snow and the only thing that becomes my reality is what I cannot do. I'm a vampire now and I'm with Godric and together we can save everyone but we don't move.
Why won't he let me help?
Why won't he let me do anything?
The sound of wheels whirling tugs me out of my deep slumber and catapults me out of bed. I expect to be met with cold and pain and hurt and terror but a brief scan of everything around me quells my immediate worry. I'm in my new room now. The black wall is up to reveal the fresh night sky and the pond that rests just beneath it. Across from my window is the one that peaks into Godric's room and from my place on the bed I can just barely see him on the verge of sitting up too.
Part of me wants to wait for him to get me but I'm too restless to wait in bed anymore. I slide out from beneath the canopy so that I can rush to the closet that calls to me. After slipping inside I shut the door behind me so that I can take in the beauty of everything all over again. Before I had been taken to that place I was an only child with a very loving family and a mother that taught me how enchanting dressing up can be. We use to play all the time together and randomly have our meals in our fancy dinner clothes but being stuck in that place has made me lose my style in exchange for appreciation of anything that isn't soiled by someone else's blood.
But now I can't appreciate anything because I have done an awful thing.
Last night I was able to think about my family as an abstract concept without feeling the emotional ties that bind us but now that I have focused on a memory I'm losing my grip once again. My hand lifts up to keep in any sound that I might create as tears spill into my eyes but I don't know if that will be enough. When Nelson had given me the news I swore I would never think about them again if I could. I swore that in order to survive I would have to bury the news deep down inside of me until I was safe and allowed to mourn but not even that is good enough. I know now that I can never think about them because I will never be able to handle it.
Never.
I grab at a dusty rose dress and bring it to the mirrors with the intention of changing immediately but once I take off my nightgown I become lost again. For a long time I had such a childish body with nothing like the breasts that I own or the hips that are curved like they are. I had been pin straight for so long I never thought it would change. I was twelve years old when the Doctor told my mother and me the bad news. Of course I didn't really think it was bad news.
The doctor—Dr. Arnold—had explained that because of some medicine my mother had taken during her pregnancy with me I would never be able to have children of my own. I wouldn't have a menstrual cycle like the other girls or develop like them either, which I was just fine with. This thing called puberty had turned the girls into monsters and my friends into strangers over night and I wanted nothing to do with it. I remember my mother's sad eyes though as she heard the news. She was so upset I thought she would break down right there in the office but she kept it together for me.
I didn't have the nerve to tell her that I didn't want to develop like the other girls. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't interested in the way boys and girls treated each other because of sexual things. I didn't want girl parts that made guys swoon or men interested. I just wanted to play with my dogs in the backyard and have our fancy dinner parties together.
But I didn't get my wish.
Around my sixteenth birthday was when my body had decided to go crazy on me. I would look in the mirror and cry at what I saw because not even the largest clothes could cover me up. Of course the bodies of my sisters showed me what real women were forced to deal with yet in my old life what I had was enough. His name was Patrick and he was my best friend's dad. It was at our joined birthday party that he told me I was special and I could be a model. I asked for the bathroom but I got something different instead.
"Amie?"
Godric's voice is just outside of my room, which means he is across from where I am and if he were to come in he would see me naked again. To the back corner that can't be seen from the door I rush to avoid his stare as I call out, "I'm in here!"
"Are you alright?"
Godric's voice fills up the entire atmosphere making it hard to try and hide the evidence of my crying. My eyes stay upward toward the light—an old myth I had heard to dry tears—as I wipe my face with my nightgown then change into the dress, "I'm fine. I was just playing dress up until you woke up."
"You have no need to hesitate in awakening me, Amie. I have forgotten that a new vampire often rises as soon as the sun sets," he speaks in a tone so steady I can tell he is nervous though I don't know how.
After clipping the dress at my hip I move out from my hiding place to meet him as I nod, "Okay."
"Good. Now that we are both ready we have important matters to discuss concerning our-"
I turn my attention to him with immediate concern. Though we don't know each other that well I'm sure he doesn't just stop sentences for no reason. I search for the cause of the break but when I look at him there is nothing I can see wrong except for his cryptic expression. With uncertainty I question, "Our?"
"You have been crying," his hands take hold of my face as if to inspect something lifeless that has just been filled with life. I want to take a step back from him but the gentleness with which he touches me makes me want to hide in his arms to escape the memories knocking at the back of my skull. To my surprise though he solemnly whispers, "Do you regret accepting my proposal?"
"No!"
Anger begins to stir in me as I step out of his hold on my face but it's not at him—it's at me. How could it have been so easy for him to tell that I had been crying? Am I really that easy to read? I thought I could have hidden it well by wiping my tears away on my nightgown but it seems he's not easy to fool. I glance down at the thing in my hand with the intention of throwing it away but something terrifying captures my attention.
My chest begins to constrict as I see the red stains on the fabric I had just worn and when I reach my fingertips to my face I see that there is more. My hand comes away with bloody smears that cause me to shiver in revulsion as I stammer, "Wha-? What is this? What's happening?"
"You are a vampire now, Amie," he begins but I don't have the patience to let him finish.
"I know. I know that I'm a vampire but what is this? Why am I bleeding?" I cry out as I watch that with each swipe of my hand more and more of that sickening red is produced, "What is this? What is this!"
Godric grasps my wrists suddenly in a solid hold that keeps my hands away from my face as my body vibrates chaotically. His eyes are dead center on me but I'm shaking so much I can't find a focus on anything that's going on. All I see before me is Cally's head with that mush squishing between my fingers as I try to put her head together. I see Cassy's leg mangled and distorted by what had happened to her in that bear trap. There's Allie…Allie's face beneath the center of that bastard's boot.
But that's not all.
That's not even it!
That massacre is replaying before my eyes and I feel a scream on the verge of my throat but before it can escape Godric seals it back up with an embrace I didn't expect and couldn't plan for. His arms are so tight around me I might suffocate if I had been my old self. I want to ask him what he's doing but when I try to gain control of my voice I realize that I'm still crying and I'm thrashing around and the only thing that's stopping me from going crazy is how he holds me right now. That dream hits me and I want to slam my fists against his chest but all I can really do is cry as I succumb to his hold. That earth and lavender smell is all around me but I don't know if I can enjoy it with all these emotions that are boiling over. I shut my eyes and take in deep breaths through my nose that I release through my mouth until I'm calm yet he doesn't release me until five minutes have passed.
When he lets me go I feel embarrassed for losing it and becoming so frantic. There's a part of me that is desperate to apologize but I can't even manage to look at him as I step back from the single space we had just shared. The silence surrounds us until he lets out a deep breath, "There are aspects of the vampire life that even the oldest of our kind still struggle with to this very day. There are pieces of our unique and unanimous truth that members of our kind choose to ignore or deny because it makes living too difficult or to strenuous to maintain. There is information that you will need to know to survive and information you might be able to live a long life without ever acquiring but I swear to you that I will give you everything. Whatever you would like to know; whatever you would not like to know. I will give you an answer to the best of my knowledge and if that does not satisfy you I will not stop you from doing what you must to be find joy. No matter what it means, I will not stand in the way of your happiness but all I ask is that you give me this night to explain the basics before you decide to go. Is that acceptable?"
The curious blender of emotions still rises inside of me but even if I wanted to I can't deny Godric's plea. I trust in him, trust that he will be positively honest with me and yet I'm not soothed. He speaks like I have the choice to leave, stay, or something else but whether I accept what has happened to me or not I have no options. If I decide to leave I have nowhere in the world to go. My home has been eradicated by Nelson's hand so right now Godric is all that I have.
"Amie?"
To pull myself out of my mind I nod my head, "Okay. We can do that."
The air around us changes as Godric turns around with determination in his step. I follow him, of course, but suddenly I can feel this desperation inside of me that I can't understand. His back is my only guide as I navigate through what I'm feeling but this desperation makes me feel so frightened I just might return back to that hysterical state. It had been five months into my captivity that Nelson pulled me into his office alone. I was afraid that it would be the night that he finally took me like he took the other girls but instead he did something much worse. He sat me down and on his desk there sat a flyer with my face on it. On the top were red bold letters that spelled out the word: MISSING.
At first I felt so happy at the thought that my family was searching for me but slowly I realized that if Nelson had it…something bad must have happened. There was that smile on his face that never left with those dead eyes I could never stare into. It all came in a blur. He told me they couldn't have any loose ends like that anymore and either they killed me or they killed them. I was too valuable—he said—to waste on an easy kill and so they had to get rid of everyone I loved.
I swore I wouldn't think about it.
"Do you recall that drink I had you consume last night?"
My face turns upward so that I can look at him and I find it so strange that I didn't realize we had walked into the kitchen. I swallow down the tight ball that had filled my throat as I reply, "Yeah, that awful thing?"
There's a brief flash of what might be amusement behind his eyes but he's way too morose to commit to the emotion, "Yes, the awful thing."
"Do I have to drink it again?"
He's quiet for a moment as he pulls from the cabinet a glass and a bottle that looks very familiar. Godric seems to be gathering his words as he opens the top to pour the contents into the tall glass. There's a stray memory that tugs on my mind as I stare at the bottle and it isn't until I catch a glimpse of the label that I realize where it's from.
That man that had forced me to hold his hand in the darkest hours of the night had sat drinking that exact drink. He had looked so sad as we rested on that couch staring out into the night sky. I had been so nervous about what to do or what to say but all we had was silence. The noises of the grunting men crept their way around us as if to remind me of what we should be doing but he remained still. Just before the sun was to rise he released me to my chamber and that was the last time I saw him.
"I want you to understand, Amie, that here you have a choice," his voice is tender as if he is nervous though his regal manner makes it strange for me to believe that he could be, "Have you heard any news of the vampire existence within the past three years?"
I shrug to express how uncertain that I am, "Not really. I remember my parents explaining what vampires are and explaining that just because people are different doesn't mean we should treat them bad but that's all."
"Have you heard of Tru Blood?"
"No, but I have seen it before," I answer honestly.
"Good," he responds as he hands me the glass he just poured, "Despite whatever misconceptions the flavor has given you I ask that you try to understand that Tru Blood is a powerful aid to vampires all around the globe. Since the beginning of time Vampires have depended on the consumption of human blood to thrive in our world but with the advent of this drink that is no longer the case. Tru Blood is an alternative source of nutrition for our species and has allowed us to assimilate into human society without fear that we will attack them on sight. However, the option still remains to deny this fantastic creation in favor of the real thing."
"The real thing…" I pause, "Meaning blood?"
"Yes," Godric nods his head as he gazes down at the glass in my hand, "Trust me when I tell you that there is nothing on this earth like human blood. I won't dare make an attempt to explain the hold it has over our kind fore no explanation can truly describe what it is and what it does for us. It heals us, it satisfies us, it arouses us, but the greatest thing that it can do is show us what we truly are. I can promise you that never again will there be an instance in which you are comfortable around a human being. Their blood will always tempt you. It will be a constant battle to control your self around their kind and, if I am being honest, you will often lose."
I don't know what to say to that. I don't know how to digest this information that is boiling inside of me. What he means is that I have become a monster that will thirst for the human walking down the street all the years that I live. What he means is that no one is safe from me just like I was never safe from anyone.
"But if you stay I can teach you to control your impulses. There are many different flavors of Tru Blood that we can try until you find the one that best fits you. It will be hard but if we work together I am certain we can find a solution," his hand reaches gently to rest just over my wrist and with that contact I can feel floodgates burst between us. From him I feel a deep-rooted sadness as if inside of him is a never-ending well of loneliness and despair that seems impossible to fill back up. I understand that though he is giving me options—to go or to stay, to drink blood or to not, that third mysterious thing that hangs in the air—he has a clear image of exactly what he wants from me.
His hand drops as if he thinks I don't appreciate his touch when I absolutely do. The flood stops before I have a clue of how he wants me to respond and I'm unsure of how I feel about that. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing yet I know saying nothing at all is the worst thing to do. There is so much zipping through my mind at once and even with my advanced mind it will take some time to go over everything. The only thing I can manage to do is drink the contents of the glass in my hand in one quick gulp before placing it into the sink as he had done the night before.
I can feel Godric's eyes on me as I grab the nearest rag I can find to wipe at the corners of my mouth. There's a small smile that lights up his eyes as he takes the cloth from me to clean off a spot that I had missed, "I will not rush you to make your decision."
"I have nowhere else to go," I whisper as I lift my eyes up to meet his, "There is no decision to be made."
"I will not force you to suffer this existence," he begins but stops as if he can't finish the thought.
It's then that I realize what he means; it's then that I realize what the third option is. Anger bursts inside of me suddenly that I can't control, "Is that what you think of me? Is that what you really think? That I would rather die than face what's happening to me? You think that I would give up instead of fight? How could you? You called me brave and selfless but now you've changed your mind? You asked if I could be a companion of Death. You asked if I cold walk through the world—through the dark! I said yes, Godric! I didn't change my mind. How could you change yours?"
There's the blood again, falling from my face and spilling over my cheeks and onto my hands. That crimson liquid that stains is at it again, staining my skin and my dress and the pavement and the basement and the snow and the walls that are everywhere around me. I can feel my body shaking once again and so desperately I wrap my arms around Godric to prevent myself from careening backward into darkness.
All I did was ask to use the bathroom. I was as polite as I possibly could be and still he put that thing to my nose and…and I don't know what! Did he sell me? Did he willingly give me away at no cost? The questions come at me from all angles with the ferocity of a wave but before they can consume me I am in Godric's embrace. He is a life jacket that's keeping me afloat but still I'm being thrown back and forth by the images in my mind. I had sworn not to think about it, not to think about my parents, not to think about the things that happened during or before that place because it wasn't going to help me get through it. I had sworn!
"Amie!"
The rushing tsunami of thoughts flea to the edges of my mind as if they are pepper and Godric's voice is liquid soap detergent. The warmth of his arms, his scent, reminds me of that dark place that had felt so much like home before we had emerged. I am weak in his stronghold and so when he places his lips to my ear I can do nothing but listen to what he speaks.
"Nothing will ever change my mind about you. Always you will remain the bravest and most selfless individual I have ever come across and should you choose to leave this life it would make no difference. Deciding when it is your time to go is no cowardly decision and still you are right. I should not have pushed that on you. Foolishly I allowed my insecurities to act for me. I saw you crying and instead of comforting you as I should have done I…I let you down and for that I apologize. It was the wrong time but I suppose I wanted you to truly understand that you are in control of your own life now. I wanted to know that it was you choosing to stay here and not me forcing you."
"Godric, when I said that there was no decision to be made I meant that I had already made up my mind. I may not know what's going on or what being a vampire means but I have already made my choice. I'm staying here, with you, because for the first time in so long I finally feel safe and free and I don't want to give that up. You promised to tell me everything and now I promise to tell you everything too. This is exactly where I want to be."
If he weren't so solid and stone I would swear that I could feel his chest quaking but he is a statue that can stand the test of time. I'm tempted to pull away so that I can get a good look at him but the strength in his rigidness promises that he needs this more than I do. So, I get comfortable with my arms around him and keep my face unmoving to not displace his mouth that is still at my ear. His breath sends shivers down my spine I don't let get the best of me because I don't want to pull away. I feel like he is telling me so much with his silence and I want to tell him some things too.
I have lost everything that I have ever loved and even if I don't know what he or this situation means to me I am not going to add him to the list. When he was still Death I had asked him a question that could have had a simple answer but his was not. I had asked: Why me? His reply was: To give us the thing we have both been deprived of. Life. In that one answer everything was revealed to me and even if I don't quite understand it yet I will honor it. He was given me a chance to hope again and I promise to return the favor.