Snake in the Shadow

Buffy

Chapter four

Waiting must be one of those levels in hell no one talks about. God, I hate this. There is nothing to do. There is nothing to change because everything that could be done is being done. You're just sitting, or in my case pacing, trying to keep it together while internally panicking. Because there has to be at least one person to keep it together. Mom might be really sick, dad's not here, and Dawn... God, she's so young. She gets to be the one to fall apart. It must be nice not to have to keep the brave face on and only worry about mom right now. The life of a slayer is never quite so simple. Mystery vampires and super strong demon women are nagging at me on top of all the things that could be wrong with mom. Shit, I think I might go crazy in this drab room. I can't wait another second staring at insipid paintings of flowers and outdated issues of People magazine.

I suck in a breath trying to organize my thoughts. Maybe I should call Giles and see if he's gotten around to questioning Spike about my late night visitors. Or maybe he'll have some information about frizzy haired Demon Bitch. At least I wouldn't be just waiting if I called him. I hate waiting. With one last look at Dawn I let my feet carry me to the phones only to have my eyes roam over to exam room three. That's the one mom's in. Maybe I could go in for a bit and see what's going on. She has to be done with the CAT scan by now. Swallowing a lump in my throat I change route to the grey green door; just before I can push it open, Riley swings in. My stomach drops with dread. I know I didn't tell Giles to keep mom's testing hush, hush but I didn't want anyone to know before I knew. You know? I definitely didn't want my smothering boyfriend to come in and tell me everything is going to be okay. Because it might not be okay. And I don't want someone to comfort me. I need to be strong for Dawn.

Yet, I lean into his embrace playing my part of the normal girlfriend happy to see her man. But he's too much right now and I feel all the air leave my body when he's here. Even as he's holding me, his large arms wrapping around me tight... too tight. I can't help but compare him to Angel. Like when Angel would walk in and I would feel my heart race and my brain would stop and I felt the whole world pause because he was there for me. God, that's mushy and kinda pathetic, looking back on it now.

But with Riley, he walks into the room it's like he's sucking me up and I have to put on an act and don't get me wrong, I wanna put on the act because, I think I love him. I should love him? But sometimes there's just nothing and then that nothing turns to guilt because I know he loves me. Maybe this is what grown up love feels like. Nothing? Love shouldn't be like one bad drama. Fuck, shouldn't it feel like something too? God, I don't know and I really don't wanna be dealing with that right now.

So, my eyes close and I burry my face in his broad chest. Trying to take comfort in the fact he's solid. He says to me, "Sorry, I heard. I thought you might need..."

I stop him before he can finish. I don't want to hear what he thinks I need. I feel myself reply, "I do, I do I'm glad." Soon I am looking up into those brown eyes. They are so warm and kind. Angel's eyes were never warm or kind. They were always lost, tortured, and lonely. And when he was Angelus there was nothing in them besides hate. Fuck, why am I comparing him to Angel? That's wrong. That's bad girlfriending 101. No comparing of the boyfriends. He wants to take care of me and that is sweet and he loves me.

His lips press down on top of my head, drawing my mind back to cooler lips that don't belong to Angel. I'm such a bad girlfriend. Not only did I let Spike kiss me, I liked it, and deepened it. I close my eyes and stammer, "I just, hmm, I... I didn't want... er, until we knew..."

His fingers brush my hair behind my ears and he nods understandingly. Even though he doesn't understand, but he's a good guy and so he says, "I understand. How's she doing?"

And that's the million dollar question that I don't have the answer to. "She just had the CAT scan and I was about to find out." He needs something to do. Something to make him feel helpful. Like he means something to me. And that's the reason why I didn't tell anyone besides Giles and Spike. Okay, Spike only knows because he flew through my window, but at least he's not going to swagger over and try to help when he's not wanted. Well, maybe he would. The kiss thing is throwing me off a bit. But the sun, broken bones, and sorta mortal enemies thing is keeping him at bay. And Riley is right here, waiting for orders like a good soldier. Trying my best to look grateful I give him something to do, "Could you keep an eye on Dawn while I go and find out?"

A flash of disappointment crosses his face but it's gone in a second, "Right... Okay. Whatever you need."

"Thank you," I hear myself say before spinning away to see mom.

The room is too dark, and mom and the doctor look grim. "Hey, Mom... can I come in?" Dread is crawling up my throat as I look at the scans on the light board.

"Yeah, sure baby, come in." They don't make much sense to me but Mom is looking at them like the world has just ended. She at me now and I want to cry, but I don't. Strong. I need to be strong. "Where's Dawn?" She asks.

I reply, uncertain of anything, "Uh, she's with Riley, watching TV." I hear something about an OR as the balding doctor leaves the room to give me and mom privacy. "OR?" I question, my voice becoming small.

Mom's nervous. I can hear it in her voice while she's trying to be reassuring. "Doctor Isaac says I am lucky there's one available on such a short notice. Some people wait weeks... even months for the OR."

Voice still small I ask, "What did they find?"

She sounds so unlike mom. Her voice is distant, a heavy whisper in the air, "A shadow. I got a shadow somewhere." And I wanna stagger back like I just got hit by a Fyral demon. But mom is still talking and I need to hear this. No running for Buffy, "There going to do a biopsy." A biopsy; that's when they stick a long needle into whatever is affected and try to figure out what's wrong. They're going to stick a needle into my mom's brain to figure out what's wrong with her. Meaning they still don't know anything. God, I'm going to be sick. "It's still too early to be concerned... We don't know anything yet." Mom's voice is cracking and I feel like I just got slashed by the shards.

We hug - it's the only thing to do in the circumstance, and I try not to cry. Crying would not be good right now. Mom needs to be able to break down. And she can't if I'm weeping like a child. I put on a tight smile, "Right, still too early. No Concern."

In a few moments they're wheeling mom to the OR. Dawn is awake and asking questions, "Where are they taking mom?"

Gently, I explain, "They're going to do a biopsy. Th-there's a shadow." Riley wraps an arm around me, while Dawn launches at me. I hug Dawn, breaking away from Riley. My shirt is wet from silent tears and I kiss her on the top of the head. I rub her back and tell her, "It's okay, Dawnie. We don't know anything yet. It's way too early to be freaking out." After a long moment of tears and reassuring, Dawn goes back to her chair and we watch TV. And wait. God, there is too much waiting going on here. Riley is desperately trying to help by holding my hand and stopping my pacing. But it's not helping. And I feel like he's intruding, like only Dawn and I should be here in this waiting hell. For that, I want to yell at him and tell him to go away, but that would be wrong. He loves me and wants to help, but he can't.

After hours of waiting Doctor Isaac comes out. Dawn is sleeping and Riley just put his jacket on top of her. It's sweet and normal. He tries to follow me when he sees that I am heading over to the doctor. With a look, I still his feet and keep going. Doctor Isaac has bad news face and I suddenly just want to run away. He starts to talk but all I hear is brain tumor. As he goes on, my brain translates everything back to brain tumor with a fancy Latin name that means something awful. He won't shut up. He's asking all these stupid questions that I don't have answers to. Dad should be here. Dad would know the answers to whatever questions Doctor Clueless is asking.

By some miracle, a cute intern tells Doctor Isaac he is needed somewhere else. He gives me one of those sympathetic smiles, "I thought you could use a break. The guy is great but he doesn't get social cues. You know. I'm Ben by the way."

I nod, still in my own world, "Buffy. Nice to meet you." absently I say, "H-he said there was nothing I could do."

Ben nods a little too cheerfully, "Yeah, and I'm going to say the same thing. There's nothing you can do. So you should go. You mom is going to be out of it for a while. Come back later this evening and we should know more. There you go, all my unsolicited advice for the day."

I nod, "Thanks. You're right. I should go." I walk back over to Riley. He scoops me up in a hug. "It's bad, Riley. Really bad."

He looks at me, gently rubbing my shoulders, whispers in my ear, "It's okay. It's all going to be okay."

The words ring hollow and I feel sick. I wanna shout and tell him he doesn't know that. That the doctor told me she only has a one in three shot of making it. How the hell could this be okay? But my lips stay silent and I back away.

He's still desperate to be needed and it makes me ill. "Buffy, is there anything I can do?"

The need to scream 'no there's nothing for you to fix' pulls at my tongue but I suppress the need. Instead, I give him a task, "Could you take Dawn to school? I gotta talk to Giles." Maybe there's a healing spell or something.

Once again, that kicked puppy look that screams his disappointment loud and clear crosses his face. But he's trying to be the good guy and says, "Of course, anything you need."

I wake up Dawn and tell her mom's still in recovery and she won't wake up until later. "Riley's going to take you to school."

Instantly, Dawn whines, "Do I really have to go to school?"

There is no way she'll be able to focus on 'To Kill a Mockingbird' or whatever else she has to study. It's the same reason I'm ditching my philosophy class. Nevertheless, I hear myself say, "Mom wants you to go to school. You are already going to be late. Please, don't make this harder."

She sighs, "Fine."

I hug her, "Thank you. We'll meet up at the Magic Box after school and come right back here, okay?"

Dawn agrees and soon we separate. The Magic shop seems like the best place to find Giles but I still don't know what to say to him or the Scoobies who will be there researching our demon bitch. I walk for a long time putting my thoughts in order. Mom is sick. Mom might die. There's nothing I can do but read stupid pamphlets. No, that can't be right. There has to be a spell or something! That thought pushes me faster to the Magic Box and I storm in, nearly taking the bell off the door. Anya is behind the cash register, Willow and Tara are reading books, while Xander munches on a donut. At my dramatic entrance, all heads turn to face me. I go over to the research table. "Where's Giles?"

Willow answers, "He's looking for Spike. Buffy what's wrong?"

"What do you mean he's looking for Spike? Spike's at my house?" I wanna stomp my foot and pout that Giles isn't here when I need him.

Xander explains, getting up from his spot. "He wasn't there. I went over with Giles to fix the window and Spike was gone. We think he might have just taken off. So Giles went to look for him." He tries to guide me to his vacated chair. "Buffy, what's the matter?"

I want to stand, so I pull away from Xander. "I need a healing spell for mom," I blurt out looking at the group, suddenly very tired. The story of mom's brain tumor comes out in waves, and by the end of it I want to hit something.

Willow is on her feet, giving me a hug, "We'll look for something but I don't think magic is the answer, Buffy."

I wipe away a few stray tears and shake my head, "There has to be something."

Tara gently explains, "Natural illness can't be fix by supernatural means. There are always consequences that could make everything a lot worse." She's right and I know it, but it doesn't make it easier. If not for the fact Tara's like a scared little rabbit most of the time, I would tell her to go to hell. But she's so sweet I can't be mad at her.

Anya pipes in, playing with the petals of a white lily, "Besides, we've reached are quota of making things worse today."

Xander and Willow pale at the off handed comment. Instantly, Xander tries to cover it up, "Oh, Anya - Buffy doesn't need to hear about our little fight about ex-boyfriends sending you flowers."

Anya looks confused, "Huh? I wasn't talking about your gaping insecurity, I was-"

Willow cuts her off, "Yeah Anya, Buffy has a lot going on. She doesn't need to hear about some ex demon thing."

I sigh, "Spill?"

Xander explains, "Glory got a hold of some magical doohickey that can bring to life some giant lizard thing".

Fuck, that's not of the good at all. "How? What did she get? Is everyone alright?"

Willow smiles guiltily, "It was the Khul's Amulet and Sobekian bloodstone. And the good news - everyone is fine. No one got hurt at all."

Confusion slips into my features, "Then how did she get it?"

Anya answers, "Willow sold it to her. Without Giles' permission."

I swear, Willow's voice jumps five octaves, "Giles asked me to help with the store and, and I thought it was a fake. Plus, how was I to know that girl was Glory?!"

There's no time to be pissed, "This thing makes lizard monsters, right? Does this lizard thing just appear, or do they need an actual lizard?"

Tara stutters, "Sh-sh-she'll need an a-a-animal first."

"Right, guess who's going to the zoo,?" I groan.

Xander tries to stop me, "Buffy, maybe you should wait a moment. Come up with a plan or something."

I shake my head, "No, I need to find this snake thing first."

Willow tries to help Xander, "Yeah, don't you wanna check it with Giles first.? Maybe he'll have some information about this thing."

There both trying to stall. It won't work. "I got to do this."

Chapter End Notes:

Big thanks to all who read this. Especially AnnaH who edited this chapter for me. Next chapter should up sometime after thanksgiving. Please tell me what you think. construtive cristim is always helpful.