A/N: Thank you to AResidentGhost, Pimraya, and see-why-in-shadows-i-hide for following this story and special thanks to Heeso Y for following and favoriting!
Drenched in golden sunbeams.
I remember the sun on my skin feeling so good. The light breeze rustled the trees and I truly felt content.
"We get everything we need from the earth and to the earth we return." Father said to me, sitting down.
"Didn't life originate in the water, though?" I asked him. The first microorganisms were theorized to have lived in water. It would take a very long time for even amphibians to live half in water and half on land.
"That's what the scientists think." He said. I sat down next to him.
"But in religious text, it's said that God took the earth, breathed life into it, and Man was born." He informed me. I hugged my knees to my chest.
"Yeah, but that obviously didn't happen." I told him. He raised an eyebrow.
"There's no way to prove that other than some book; that's it! And, truthfully, The Big Bang makes more sense that some God making the world in seven days." I told him. I had recently learned all this in biology class and loved showing off.
"There's no proof that it didn't happen though." He said. I was going to butt in, but decided to let him continue.
"No one was there at the creation of the world, so no can really know. No one can prove the existence of a God and no one can disprove it." He continued. I pouted.
"I thought you weren't religious." I said to him.
"I'm not. I'm agnostic." He replied.
"Doesn't that mean you don't believe in God?" I asked.
"That's atheist." He informed me. I took in the new information.
"So the difference is that Atheists don't believe in God and agnostics...don't care?" I defined crudely.
"Basically, yes." he said.
"Then I'm atheist." I self proclaimed at a young age. Later, I would join my father in the belief that no one has the answers in agnosticism.
"Anyways, you're right, but evolution still makes more sense." I told him and smiled.
"Whatever the creation of the world, we must still love it." He said and wrapped an arm around me. I closed my eyes.
"Remember this feeling of the sun and breeze; this is what it's like to be alive." He said happily. I took his words only half seriously at the time.
But in the darkness and chill of my house, I only felt death upon me.
Music lessons! Out of all the offers he could give me, he had insisted upon that? I couldn't wrap my mind around it!
"Wh-what?" I said so soft I wondered if he even heard me.
"A simple yes or no." he responded.
"Wait, what? I have questions! Who are you, what are you doing- why? Why? Why!" I started to panic.
"A simple admirer of the arts." He responded so coolly. No this thing was shady man who was capable of heinous crime. Crime like-
"Get out! Leave!" I suddenly yelled at Erik. His burning eyes stared down at me. He didn't move.
"I-I'm not interested." That was a lie. I was interested in the letters he offered, but I couldn't stand the thought of being alone with him, let alone singing! He glared at me, clearly seeing through my paper thin lies. I wondered what compelled him to offer that. 'Teach me how to sing.' I already knew how to sing. And why would he tell me to leave him alone and then seek me out? He had much better things to do…Really, though?
"Th-those men back there..." I trailed off and looked at the ground, wide eyed.
"Dirty gang members. After you." He said easily. I became lightheaded.
"Me? What would they want to do with me?" I was terrified; who would want to hurt me? Was this part of my father's warning? Why had he stopped them from getting to me? What would have happened?
"Perhaps you should find out in the correspondence." He irked me. I straightened up.
"I decline your offer." I said with all the confidence I could muster. I would not let him stay here and pull the strings. I saw his yellow eyes glare at me, but he swiftly disappeared out somewhere. It's almost ironic that I had searched him out, but now that he was here I was too afraid. It had taken a while for me to calm down. I wasn't able to sleep well that night in fear of him returning, but after waking up at six after two hours of sleep, I had regret. I had another two performances and I drank three energy drinks to get through both of them. By the end of the second show my performance was fairly lack luster and a few people asked me if I was okay. I responded as one should.
"I'm fine, I'm okay." Of course, I was tired and scared, but no one really looks for an honest answer with those types of questions. I looked at upcoming audition dates and took a picture for later reference. I drove my car home that night, too afraid to take public transportation. I kept thinking about those men. They would have killed me. Those images kept flashing in my mind, creeping upon me whenever I let my mind wander. All of this from a few letters and phone calls? It didn't make sense to me. If it was that easy, father wouldn't have warned me more. It didn't add up. When I got home, I had another sleepless night spent working on audition preparations. It was mostly as a distraction for my shaken mind. I was considering to take some Unisom, but after the energy drink shock my body suffered, I wondered if it was healthy to keep drugging my body.
It was around four AM when I finally checked my voice mails I've been avoiding. I had wanted to talk to someone, but remembering the disastrous dinner made me sick. Three voicemails from Meg. Five from Raoul. I felt guilty again. After listening through them, I decided to leave messages.
"Um, hello, Raoul. It's Christine. Obviously. Sorry. Listen, I'm sorry about what happened at dinner with Meg. I know it's a lame excuse, but I haven't been feeling great recently and the show is kind of stressing me out. I know that isn't a proper excuse, but I don't really know why…I really was happy to be with you guys and I thought that I wouldn't feel this way with you guys, but it happened anyways. Just pathetic, old Christine. Like always. I wonder why you guys continue to be friends with me, honestly. I'm not worth anyone's time, but…I know it's selfish, but I don't want to be alone."
"Beeeeep! You have exceeded the time allowed for a message. Press one to take another message. Press two to save this message. Press three to delete this-
Are you sure you want to delete this message? Press one for yes. Press two for-
Message deleted."
"Christine Daae?" I heard my name being called. I nervously walked onto the stage, squinting at the bright lights.
"Good afternoon." I introduced myself and announced the song I would performing. I wondered if they took one look at my pale, pathetic self and came to their own conclusions, but didn't feel the motivation to do much makeup. Before my sixteen bars were even up, I was stopped.
"That'll be enough, thank you." A man said half interestedly. I choked up a bit.
"Thank you." I mumbled and I breezed offstage quickly. I knew it was unprofessional, but I was overwhelmed. What had Erik even seen in me? He said I had a…beautiful voice? I didn't know how he could see anything other than something flat and weak. The familiar feeling of self disgust slithered back into my mind. After some half hearted choreography, I drove back home in the dark. When I parked my car, I leaned over and pressed my forehead onto the steering wheel. I picked up my phone again, but I just stared it. What a disaster.
"Am I really that desperate?" I whispered to myself. I looked up suddenly got the paranoia to get back inside. I slammed the car door shut and locked it while I was running away. It was like when I was younger. When I would turn off the light downstairs and ran as fast as I could upstairs to escape the dark. I slammed my front door behind me and and wondered if the neighbors could hear me for a second, but I didn't care. I turned on the lights and opened up my computer to play some music. I leaned back on the sofa with some tea I made.
Was I truly considering his proposition? Was I really that desperate? My old vocal teacher had clearly lost all hope with me and she was a professional in her field.
I remember how singing used to be. It had so much more meaning with father. Father, who was friends with that shadow of a man, had instilled in me this love and I've lost it. Would I find it again with…him? Everything in my head said no except for this small sliver of hope. No, Christine, how would you find him? Risk walking alone again at night and get jumped? I shivered at that thought. I didn't need him always saving me. I had only ever seen at night in the streets, but that's not going to happen. I would have to lure him out. How? I focused on the music playing in my house.
Music, that's how.
And so I would call my connections, use my name and money, and I would sing publicly again. This would be the last time I would have to pull strings to perform. I would either get the talent to have them all at my feet (because I was so tired of being at theirs) or I would give up once and for all.
"Christine? It's Raoul. Meg and I have been really worried and we're sorry we can't check on you. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. Meg doesn't admit it, but she's constantly worrying about you. I encourage you to reach out to her. If you need someone to talk to, though, call me. Please"
Raoul send another message to Christine. One of so many that she hadn't replied to. He sighed and leaned back at his work table, paperwork everywhere. He guiltily admitted to himself that if he were truly a good friend, he would go over to Christine right now and talk to her, but she was so unstable that he didn't know what to do. Communication was important, but she wasn't saying anything at all. He had certainly voiced his concerns. He had been overjoyed when he finally met with her again and she seemed happy (well, happy enough for someone who's suffered a family loss) and they had fun together, but she'd been going downhill. He felt guiltier when he thought about all the signs he dismissed earlier. She'd stop seeing him as much and stopped telling him things. He wanted to be a part of her life again, but his life has demanded so much out of him it's seems impossible at the moment.
She needs him now, though. His phone rang. He lazily checked it and jumped when he saw 'Christine' as the listed number. He answered right away.
"Christine?" He asked after a moment. A beat of silence that made him doubt so.
"Yeah…" It was her voice and he breathed a silent sigh.
"I got your messages. Thank you." She said.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"…I'd say fine, but you wouldn't believe that." She laughed, but there was little humor.
"Whatever you're comfortable with." He encouraged. She went silent again.
"It's actually nothing. I shouldn't have called you." She rushed.
"No-" but she hung up. He stared at his phone and the Call Ended screen. He should have called her back in that moment, but once again she refused to reach out to him. He was feeling pushed away and it hurt him.
So he set the phone down and continued working.