Chapter 4

When his phone rang early the next morning, Chandler answered on the first ring, hoping it would be Monica. He heard Rachel's voice instead.

"What's up?"

"I wanted to see if Adrianna could come to our apartment today to play with Emma. She really liked your daughter, and this will give you a chance to see our brownstone on the Upper East Side. Does that work?"

"It sounds nice. Let me ask Adrianna."

She nodded at the invitation; Rachel told Chandler to be at her place at eleven.

An hour later Chandler opened the door, ready to escort Adrianna into the hallway, when she stopped.

"What's wrong?" he asked, and then followed his daughter's gaze.

Monica stood on the other side.

"I've come at a bad time," she said, turning to leave.

She'd hesitated to come. Maybe it was a sign that Chandler was heading out. She wasn't sure she was ready to face him anyway.

"I'll be back in a few minutes, half an hour at the most. I'm taking Adrianna to Rachel's for a play date with Emma. You could come with us if you want."

Monica shook her head. She didn't know how much more of the happy families she could take. She knew it made her seem petty and small, but seeing her friends with their children was eating her up inside. She wouldn't purposely put herself through that.

"I should leave," she said.

"No, don't," Chandler said, not wanting to lose this opportunity. "You're more than welcome to wait in my room. I won't be long. I promise."

She nodded and stepped inside his room. It wasn't until he had closed the door that she realized she and Adrianna had not spoken a word to each other. It was not lost on Monica that Adrianna had felt comfortable with every adult in her apartment last night except her. She'd barely looked at Monica, and she'd spoken to her only when Chandler had encouraged her. She wasn't happy about the situation, but she knew there was nothing she could do about it except continue to be nice to her.

Monica tried to find a comfortable chair to sit on. She had a pounding headache, and she hadn't even drunk any of the wine the previous night. Her back ached, too, but she tried not to think about that. When she finally sat at the round table near the window, her eyes fell to several photographs of a happy family on vacation, most likely, at Disneyland. Monica finally saw Stephanie. The resemblance was undeniable. They'd even worn their hair the same way. How could that be? She picked up one of the photographs and then quickly threw it down. She couldn't do this. She couldn't talk to Chandler right now. She needed more time.

She tried to stand and felt a sharp pain in her back. She realized she had probably done too much the day before. Opening her purse, she pulled out her trusty bottle of pills. She'd brought them with the intention of handing them over to Chandler, after they'd talked, but now that she knew that wasn't going to happen, she poured some water into a glass and took one of the pills instead.

And then she left his room, sorry she had ever come there in the first place.

"Hi!"

Rachel, with Emma at her side ready to take Adrianna into her room, greeted her guests with a smile and ushered them into her home.

"I'm so happy you're here."

"Thanks for inviting us. This will be fun for Adrianna."

"I think so, too. Emma wants to show her the rest of her Barbie collection, and then…"

Chandler interrupted. "The rest of her Barbie collection?"

"Well, yeah," Rachel said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "She leaves some things at Monica's but, of course, she has more here."

"Of course she does."

"Hey," Rachel said, squaring her shoulders. "Don't you dare judge us, Chandler Bing!"

"I'm not judging; I'm amused. This is just such a 'Rachel thing' to be doing for your daughter."

She leaned in closer. "Between you and me, the more dolls she has, the less dinosaur stuff Ross can ply her with. There is a method to my madness."

"I didn't doubt that for a moment."

"Can we go into my room, Mommy?"

"Yes, but I want the door left open and play where I can see both of you."

The two girls ran into Emma's bedroom, which was decorated with a Precious Moments theme.

"Let me show you around," Rachel said to Chandler.

"Could we make it quick? I hate to beg off, but Monica's waiting for me in my hotel room."

"Oh, really?" Rachel said, her interest definitely piqued.

Chandler sighed. "Don't look at me like that. She just wants to talk."

"Oh, okay. Well, no problem. I'll show you around when you pick up Adrianna. You'd better go," she said and smiled. "I know you don't want to keep Monica waiting."

"Please don't read anything into this. She just wants to talk."

But when Chandler returned to his room, Monica was nowhere to be found.

"Damnit!" he said, when he saw that a couple of the photographs had been moved.

The last thing he wanted was for Monica to see Stephanie, especially in a setting where they looked like the All-American family.

"I know, Mon," he said, talking to the photo, "this is exactly what you have always dreamed of. And this is what I thought I might someday have with you."

He left his room, determined to find Monica.

After knocking on her apartment door without success, he crossed the hall and saw that Joey's door was slightly ajar. Pushing it back, he looked around and saw his buddy sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen counter.

"Hey," he said, making his presence known.

"Hey, yourself. So, how did it go?"

"How did what go?"

"Whaddya mean? Oh, man, you and Monica haven't talked?"

Chandler placed his hands on the counter, facing his friend. "She came to my room, but when I got back from dropping off Adrianna at Rachel's place, she was gone. That's why I'm here."

"And that's why I left the door open. I wanted to see her as soon as she came home. What is going on with you two?"

"Why don't you tell me, Joe?"

"I wish I could, but I can't. I promised Monica."

Joey had no sooner spoken her name than she appeared in the hallway.

"Monica!" he said. "Wait right there."

She stopped at Joey's commanding tone.

He motioned for Chandler to follow him, and then he grabbed Monica's arm, opened her apartment door, and practically pushed the two of them inside.

"Hey!" they both said in unison.

Joey shut the door and stood in the living room, his arms folded in front of him.

"My head is about to explode from all this adult drama. You two are going to talk, and I mean right now."

"Joey," Monica began, "you can't make us…"

"Yes, I can," he declared. "And I will. Watch me."

They both stared at him as he tried to determine his next move.

He snapped his fingers. "I got it. Chandler. Right before you showed up, Monica was going to visit you in California. There. Now. Go!"

Joey opened the door and made a quick exit, but not before telling them that he would be on guard in case either of them tried to leave.

Shaking her head, Monica made her way to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottled water. She offered one to Chandler who declined. She then slid carefully onto a kitchen chair and took a deep breath. Chandler remained leaning against the back of the couch. He didn't know how close or how far away Monica wanted him to be.

"Well," she finally said, tucking her hair behind her ears, "it looks like all my secrets are coming out. Where should I begin?"

"Start wherever you want," Chandler said, trying to encourage but not scare her. "And start whenever you're ready."

After motioning for him to sit across from her and then drinking half of the water in one long gulp, she replaced the top and said she was ready to begin.

"It's true I had pretty much decided I wanted to visit you in San Francisco. Things haven't been going so great for me lately. I thought maybe a change of scenery would help. But, instead, you showed up here, with your daughter, and I totally panicked."

"About what?"

"About my life. About everything that's been going on. Chandler, I haven't worked in over six months."

"What? Why? Did you get laid off?"

"I-I had an accident at the restaurant, and I've been on disability ever since."

"What kind of an accident?"

"I slipped on some marinara sauce in the kitchen and landed hard on my back. It's been totally messed up ever since."

"Monica, I'm so sorry."

He thought about reaching across the table to hold her hands, but decided he'd better not risk it. Yet.

"Thanks. I've tried everything, but nothing helps. I'm in so much pain, Chandler. I…"

She almost confessed about knowing that she was becoming dependent on her pain pills, but she couldn't quite bring herself to admit that part.

"You what?"

She shook her head. "It's just everything. My back and my body ache because I can't do the things I want to do, and two months after I injured myself, Richard and I broke up."

"Wow," Chandler couldn't help commenting, "talk about timing."

"Yeah, well, it's not like we hadn't had problems before. But this time felt very different and very final. I'm not the best person to be around these days, and my physical pain just escalated everything. I thought he was going to propose to me, but instead, he wanted me to move in with him with no guarantee of our future. I couldn't do that. I need more. Or at least the promise of more. I should've realized a few things a lot sooner than I did, like he had already been through the marriage and raising a family thing. I mean, he's already a grandfather. Ultimately, that's not what he was looking for, and it most definitely is what I want. Need. I will be devastated, Chandler, if it doesn't happen for me some time in my life!"

Tears of frustration and pain filled her eyes. She took a deep breath and drank more of the water.

"I promised myself I wasn't going to cry."

"If you need to, you should."

"I've already shed way too many tears. I want to move on, I do, but with this injury, I feel as though my life is in a holding pattern. Some days, it takes all my strength just to get out of bed."

"There must be something they can do."

"My orthopedist started talking about surgery. I would really rather these other methods work, but so far, they haven't. I guess I'll have to make that decision when the time comes."

"I think it's probably a good thing I came to New York. Five hours is a long time for you to be sitting on a plane with a bad back."

"I know. My doctor was going to let me make the trip, but there were all sorts of things I had to do to make sure I was comfortable and didn't mess up my back more. Joey's been great about helping me. The others don't know how much I'm hurting, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't say anything to them."

"Is that what was going on yesterday?"

Monica nodded. "I was in a lot of pain. I know this is going to sound strange, but sometimes, I go into your old room. The walls around here start to close in on me, especially when I'm feeling lonely. I don't know why, but when I'm in your room, I feel a sense of peace."

"Which is interesting, considering we never spent any time in my room."

"I know it's weird. The whole thing is weird. What can I say? You told me how you felt about me and how you felt about my getting involved with Richard again. I blatantly rejected you and your advice, you left, and then…and then…"

"And then what?" Chandler asked, his voice low.

"And then everything changed!" she cried. "I tried to be happy with Richard, I really did. But soon after you left, Rachel announced she was pregnant with Ross' child. That stunned me. It really did. Rachel was going to be a mother. She was going to have a baby. A baby, Chandler. The news affected me more than I could even admit to myself. It scared me how much it bothered me that Rachel was pregnant. I wanted to be happy for her, I did. Happy for her and my brother. But I was dying inside. And then it bothered me that I couldn't talk about any of this with the one person who would've understood. Who always understood my incoherent ramblings and jumbled feelings. You!"

"I thought about you when Joey told me the news."

"I couldn't tell any of them how I was really feeling. I couldn't even talk about it with Richard because he didn't get it. Not the same way you would have understood. I was going crazy, Chandler. I missed my best friend. So much. I didn't even realize how much until Rachel gave birth. I was so busy being angry with you and yet, deep down, deep, deep down, I needed you to be here with me. To help ground me. But you weren't here helping me. You were off in San Francisco making a new life for yourself. I couldn't believe that either."

"Monica, my life was out of control when I left. That's why I took off the way I did. I never should have told you how I felt about you, and I should have respected your relationship with Richard. But it killed me to watch how much you suffered when you guys broke up the first time. I was afraid for you, Mon. I didn't mean to make any judgments about you or him."

Monica shook her head. "You were right. In the end, everything you said came true. All I'm left with is trying to mend my broken heart. Again. I can't do this anymore, Chandler. It's too hard! How did you do it? How did you cope when your wife died?"

"I had a lot of help. Especially from Joey. He was great. I was so thankful that he, at least, kept in touch with me."

"He's the one who's been helping me, too."

Chandler shook his head. "Can you believe that Joey, of all people, has kept us both going? Who would've thought it? But he's been a great friend to me."

"Me, too. I think, in some ways, he thought he needed to try to take your place in my life. I'll be forever grateful to him, but it just hasn't been the same."

Chandler saw a small window of opportunity and decided to take it.

"Maybe we could start again?" he asked, his voice tentative.

Monica considered his words. "You're talking about being friends, right?"

"Sure," he said, not certain he was suggesting that at all, but he wanted whatever would work for Monica.

"Because I can't go through the whole romantic relationship thing. I just can't. I won't. I'm not strong enough yet."

"No one says you have to."

"Besides, you live 3,000 miles away and are raising a daughter all by yourself while working full time. I would say your plate is full."

"It is, but that doesn't mean I would never be open to having another relationship. My experience taught me that it's not as scary as I had always imagined it would be. Even when Stephanie died. I love my little girl, and I wouldn't trade what I have for anything."

'You've changed so much," Monica marveled. "I know it couldn't have been easy to lose your wife, especially so tragically in a car crash, but look at you. You've held it together and are raising a daughter. All by yourself. This has been something else I've had to come to terms with. I loved our friendship, but I have to be honest. I never saw you as husband material, much less as being a father. Proves how wrong a person can be, right?"

Just to have something else to focus on, Chandler reached for an apple from the bowl on the table and twisted the stem, avoiding eye contact with Monica. Still focusing on the piece of fruit, he sat back and cleared his throat before he spoke,

"As long as we're being honest, I have a confession to make."

Monica leaned in closer to the table. "Go on."

"I did marry Stephanie because she looked and acted so much like you. It was scary, Mon, and yet I couldn't stop my attraction to her. I saw you every time I looked at her. I would do something, she would react, and all I could see and hear was you. Your face. Your voice. Your expressions. I didn't see Stephanie. I saw only you. It was crazy, I know, and part of me wanted you to know I was married so you would see that I could be husband material. I knew that was part of the reason you didn't take me seriously when I told you I had begun to have feelings for you. I saw it written all over your face. I wanted to prove you wrong so badly. But I was the one who ultimately paid the price. I grew to resent Stephanie after only a few weeks of marriage, but for some reason, she wouldn't let me leave. She knew I wasn't happy, and I couldn't believe she was willing to settle for so little, but she was. She wanted me to stay. So, she did the one thing she knew would keep me tied to her for a long time. She told me she was pregnant and that she was going to keep the baby, whether I stuck around or not.

"I was so angry when I found out. I didn't think I could be that angry. I didn't want a child. I didn't want to be a father. Hell, I didn't want to be a husband! I wanted out of the marriage. I wanted to come back here and face everyone, especially you, and tell you how stupid I was for leaving. I wanted my life, my comfort zone back. Instead, I stayed with my wife and saw her through her pregnancy. And then, Monica, the strangest thing happened. Adrianna came into my life, and it was as if I'd been given a second chance to make everything right. I never knew how happy I could be until the nurse put her in my arms. It felt so right. So natural. She fit perfectly into the crook of my arm and nestled there like she knew she belonged. She was my daughter. I was responsible for her every need, but the idea didn't freak me out. I wanted to be a dad. I wanted to be her dad. It was an incredible time for me."

"And then Stephanie died," Monica said, barely above a whisper.

"Yeah," Chandler said, placing the apple on the table and folding his hands together. "We were never going to be couple of the year, but we had learned to get along better and to give each other space. We were trying, Mon. We really were. Adrianna misses her something fierce. I just feel like a major piece of the puzzle will always be missing from my daughter's life."

"I saw the pictures of the three of you. You seemed like the perfect family."

"I had a feeling that's what happened when I came back to the hotel room and realized you had left. Those pictures were taken at a good point in our lives, but believe me, we were never the perfect family and we never would have been."

"But," Monica said, her heart squeezing in her chest as she thought about those photos, "for a time, at least, you were a family. I would give anything to know what that feels like."

Chandler rose from the chair and Monica nodded. This time, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing and she didn't want to. They had both been given a lot and both had lost a lot. Despite everything that had happened, they were friends first and foremost.

"I'm sorry for all you've lost," Monica told him, holding out her arms even as the tears continued to spill down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, too, Mon," Chandler said, not quite believing he was holding her again but happy she had given him the opportunity.

She seemed more fragile, more vulnerable than he could ever remember. Even after the first time she'd broken it off with Richard.

"I want us to be friends again," she said, snuggling closer to him. "I need you in my life."

"I want that, too," Chandler assured her, tightening his hug but careful not to cause more discomfort to her back.

She sighed contentedly as he continued to comfort her. This is what she had been missing. Someone she could count on. Someone who she knew would be there for her. Her champion. Chandler had been that someone for her, and she hadn't realized it until he had disappeared from her life. Now that he was back, even if it was only for a few days, she did not want to take him for granted. And she knew she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could. She only wished she felt better.

Reluctantly, Chandler released his hold on her. They stepped back and looked at each other.

"That idea you had," he said. "I think it's a good one."

"What idea?"

"To visit me in San Francisco. Come with me," he offered. "When Adrianna and I return to California, I want you to be on that plane. With us."