Story: After All, What is a Whore?
Rated: T for language and thoughts and actions of over all self harm. These chapters' may be soon borderline M for self harm. Just warning ya.
Chapter 4: To Decide
Summary: How can you handle knowing you will never be able to look straight at the sun, and know that the lies are all you have? How can you know that you have changed all you have ever known for one person…and this person may truly hate you?
Pairings: SasukexNaruto, KakashixIruka (light bits if you're looking for it…actually it's blaring. Who could possibly have a problem with that? It's adorable! cough um getting off track…)
Disclaimer!(I totally forgot about this. Damn): Let it go people. Me. No. Own. I'm still coping with the realization.
A/N: I am skipping the fact that they are missing. Just so everyone knows. They are officially missing. It's just because… uh…because I'm lazy. Screw it! Screw it, I say! I have more reviews…sobs happily I love my reviews! I keep every single one… (shifty eyes) every single one… xD I'm so creepy! O, Nirvana made the first, and Linkin Park made the second song… and I don't try to make it song fics. Nope. I listen to these songs, and it makes me sad. … yep. Inspiration, I say:D I shall not keep you…I babble. A lot. x3
A/N (another one): This isn't incest. Maybe slightly…but not really. It just seemed more beautiful and real this way. I know this took forever...and I'm really, really sorry. Lately life's been bad. And i've been away. I'm sorry.
Text-text (rolls eyes)
Text-thoughts
Text-memories (…thoughts of memories…)
Text-dream
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Something in the Way
Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
It's okay to eat fish
'Cause they don't have any feelings
Something in the way…
With You
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
Even though you're so close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back
It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
with you
You, Now I see, Even when I close my eyes
I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
I'm trapped in this memory
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake slow to react
So even though you're close to me
You're still so distant
And I can't bring you back
It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
with you
You, Now I see, Even when I close my eyes
With you
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
with you
You, Now I see, Even when I close my eyes
ag·o·ny (g-n)
n. pl. ag·o·nies
1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. The struggle that precedes death.
3. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
4. A violent, intense struggle
-The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language
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The first part is Naruto's thoughts again. In the 'future' if you will. Like the whole whore thing. Comprende? And the other part with Sasuke is him contemplating. Kinda. On you go.
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Chapter 4: To Decide
Pain…what a fucked up word. It's funny…people say they hate the pain, the screaming agony they must endure.
Fuck that.
If they ever knew… loss. The absolute emptiness in your chest…
…they don't know what "agony" is.
I'd rather feel pain, than that nothing. The, "nothing at all." I'd sit in my room and I couldn't just let the emptiness take over, it was there, it was…bigger than me. …Always so much stronger. I don't know if or how I'll ever fill the emptiness… because it is so… terrifying. The shivers are my demons stirring beneath my skin, dying to feel the horrors that people can't let themselves be overcome by. Everyone has them…and people enjoy them…until they see what I have seen…
…I'm scared…
What would happen if I let it happen? If I dove into the nothing, let the nothing take over? I can feel it…I feel it every day. I knew Sasuke mattered the day I was standing above him, and I was so scared… but I let it happen. I thought he was gone… he was all I could understand. Sasuke is gone. I just didn't care anymore. You never know what you had, and how much it mattered until it's gone.
Later, I started having the nightmares, more now, with Sasuke. I started to realize how important he was to me… and what I always had to do. Love was a word I wasn't allowed to think. So, I had a defensive barrier for it.
What do I do now Sasuke? What do I do?
I was sacrificing myself for Sasuke…I am always in the way. He runs to me, as I'm falling backwards, and grabs my hand. I yell at him to let go. Then he is suddenly the one at the cliff, and I was holding him back. I couldn't speak, the words in my head was overwhelming!
I was whispering to myself…"Anyone but you. Anyone but you…anyone butyou anyonebut you anyonebutyouanyonebutyou,don'tgoSasukeplease…
You're all that matters."
He was throwing himself off that cliff, and I grabbed him, and would not let go. "I can't lose you…" He wasn't listening to my stream of words, but kept mumbling to himself, that they "had to speak, the silence is choking my air…" and he jumped off that cliff, and I grabbed sweaty hands to his shirt and he yelled at me.
"Naruto?"
He sounded so…confused… but I wasn't… it was so clear. It was like he didn't know who I was… and he desperately wanted "out" on everything. The ground was coming fast, and it was a short cliff.
I rolled our bodies so that I was on bottom, and he stared at me, just looked at me, and I smiled the only real smile I could smile. And I hugged him as I relaxed for the impact. "I'm sorry…" I whispered harshly. "I can't let you die.
I Relaxed for my small, yet ultimate sacrifice.
And then I woke up…wondering only one panicked thought every time…
Did I save him?
I never told anyone… that I never totally lost control. I lost it, succumbed, when he was gone. Every night, sometimes days…I did whatever I could to help myself…
…keep my heart beating.
He was my anchor… I knew, no matter how cold he was… he had the… "Nothing." too. The "absolute" agony. I watched Sasuke, from then on, just… saw him. I'd like to think I did. I saw his pain, his… sadness. It is absolute. I could see it when we spar…when he would look at me, and someone would mention his brother.
Whenever someone mentioned his brother he would look at his hands, or stare at a wall. Anywhere no one could see his eyes. Then one day, he looked at me, what I think was a mistake. After a while, he would automatically glance up, and let it wash over me.
In me.
He didn't "want" to kill his brother.
He actually tried to…kill him…
I heard him say it in his sleep…it was so child-like and alone…
I went home and "released" in some way every night. Whatever it took…I did it all.
Even things with other people.
Whatever made me forget…
I watched his agony, and… there was something in the way… I've never felt myself feel that way. I knew I loved him, the day I watched his pain, and, he made my heart and sole ache. I wanted nothing more than give everything up for him so he would feel what he deserves.
Something in the way…
Love. Even if it's not from me. I'm sorry I am the way I am…
It… it can't ever be from me. I know that now. I can't heal his heart… no matter how much I love him. I am a demon, a male. Stained, broken, and worthless… but Sasuke… I can't let go until I know you are okay…
…or until I break.
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"I'll step over the edge, won't say goodbye…
Just promise you'll never cry…"
Everything was hard, and my whole body seemed to ache. My muscles where incredibly stiff, and I was curled into a ball. I knew I hadn't had very much sleep, the air smelled like it does before dawn. I realized, not opening my eyes… this wasn't my room… I stilled my whole body, and listened and desperately tried to remember what happened.
"Ah…" I mumbled, when I realized what had happened and I came here on my own accord. I opened my eyes slowly, to the darkness of early dawn. I felt my face with my lightly callused hands, tears halfway dried. I licked my dry lips, and could taste my salty tears.
"Fuck." I looked around, and slowly stretched out my sore body. Then it struck me. Sasuke KNOWS… does he know? Does he care? I whimpered slightly, and put my head in my hands, my hair laced through my fingers, and fisted it. "Stop…thinking…" He doesn't… no one can know! They don't know…they don't know, they don't know…
I repeated it, over and over in my head, convincing myself. Well…covering it. My defense mechanism… I didn't realize it…not really, but it was killing me. "It is killing me…" When everyone says you're a monster, you hear it so much, you let yourself believe it…when everyone says you are alright, just loud, and desperate for attention…
Eventually, you let yourself believe it.
But no matter what, the pain is still there. Always there…
I pet my hair lightly, and rocked back and forth slightly. The mother I never had is me…the comfort…it only works really when you are younger…
But when you are younger you shouldn't have a reason to do it…
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"Dobe."
Sasuke always thought since he was little,
"Never live, never die
Never smile, never cry
I won't look back, and take away what should be gone
Because in the end all you are is all alone."
He had written it, after he had seen his family die, on his next birthday. He had hummed it to himself, as he sat alone in his room. Always alone… Sasuke had never told anyone, but he didn't kill Itachi.
They had fought, until the edge of the cliff, a waterfall, in the rain. The roar had taken away everything else. Sasuke only realized he was crying when Sasuke heard Itachi say, "Sasuke…" he looked away. "You don't deserve to kill me Sasuke."
"And they didn't deserve to die…and now I don't deserve to live." He stepped closer to Sasuke, away from the cliff, and Sasuke didn't move, he kept crying. It's not worth it…none of it was worth it.
"You never taste happiness in perfection.
You never feel whole with revenge.
Only loss, Sasuke. Only loss."
Then Itachi kissed him on the lips softly, and said softly…
"I love you Sasuke.
Happy Birthday."
Itachi committed suicide on that cliff. Harikari… and Itachi…had never seemed more noble.
When Sasuke had gotten back, injured and emotionally scarred, Orochimaru had then announced to him he belonged to him. When Sasuke told him there was nothing to own, he killed him in defense. Death never solved anything for Sasuke anymore. It only made a different kind of agony.
All Sasuke knew was he was never happy.
…And incredibly weak and alone…
But now as Sasuke stood staring at the Hokage monuments at the edge of the cliff he knew it still mattered. Except now…
He knew leaving wasn't worth it…and he only needed his special person.
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