Dear Faramir,
It has been two hours since we entered Moria and I have yet to find a decent restroom.
When we first arrived, Gandalf took forever finding the entrance. Lucky for him, a conveniently full moon came out behind the clouds and lit up the isilene, revealing the door on the rock face Gandalf just passed. Ignoring the stifled chuckles, the wizard looked at the dwarfish runes and frowned. I asked him what they meant. He ran his hand over each letter as he translated, "P-L-E…A-S-E-U-S-E…O-T-H-E-R-D-O-O…R."
There was silence. Then Pippin spoke up, "Well, that's that. Shall we go back to Rivendell, then? Might make it back in time for bingo night…"
"No!" burst out Frodo, his eyes blazing. "That we must not do!"
"He is right," agreed Legolas. "We cannot allow the ring to survive."
"I was talking about Merry and Pippin always cheating at bingo." We all glared at him. "What? They do!"
The next five minutes were spent trying to pry, shove, hack, or magic open the doors. All attempts halted after Gimli's blowtorch accidentally set Legolas's boots on fire. Our sinking spirits were halted by the sight of the Elf shrieking as he dashed to and fro in utter panic.
He dashed into the nearby lake to put them out. He came out just as fast, a gargantuan octopus creature in pursuit. As we began to fight it, Legolas argued with Gimli over whose fault it was. The battle was going badly and the dwarf had just called him a "melon-head," when a loud grinding noise announced the opening of the entrance.
We all retreated inside and the doors slammed shut behind us. For a moment, all was dark, then Gandalf lit his staff, announcing that there were older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. I could see the words starting to form on Pippin's lips, the hobbit about to make a wisecrack about "fowler" and "birds." Perhaps the wizard did as well, for he turned and scowled at him, the light from his staff casting ominous shadows on his face. Pippin's gulp was audible and he wisely kept silent.
Oh good. Aragorn's turn for guard duty, now. I'm going to go to sleep and enjoy some time oblivious to Gimli singing drinking songs in his sleep. Dang echoes.
Your brother,
Boromir