This is actually a CaptainSwan oneshot. (I know! Shocking!) After babysitting Robin and Regina's daughter Emma and Killian discuss having children of their own. A little OQ is included.
Emma's jaw was clenched in determination as she stomped up the walkway to the mansion. She didn't even bother to knock on the door. She was on too big a mission to ring doorbells. She quickly found the former evil queen in the kitchen.
"That's it Regina. Hand over the baby."
Regina turned to her with an agitated look on her face. "And just who the hell are you to demand my child?"
She shifted baby Raven in her arms as she squirmed. The former queen tried to put as much venom in her voice as possible but it lost all its bite when taken in with her appearance. Her white button-down shirt had three different stains on it. Her hair was in complete disarray, her curls starting to show through from lack of maintenance. There were bags under her eyes and her face seemed unnaturally pale without her usual make-up. She was the picture of new-mom hell.
Emma glared at her. "I'm the one who's had to deal with all the complaints from people about your hostile attitude."
Ever since Raven's homecoming Regina had been increasingly on edge. She'd had violent verbal outbursts on no less than ten citizens since her daughter was born two months ago. Her lack of sleep and adjusting hormones had made her positively volatile. A lot of people around town had voiced their concerns to Emma. She hadn't seen them so afraid of Regina since she first broke the curse.
"Those peasants are overreacting!" argued Regina fiercely. "I'm fine."
"No you're not," said Emma shaking her head. "You're tired and that's okay. I know it can be stressful having a new baby in the house."
Regina scoffed at her. The savior had no idea what stressful was. Any new baby could be a handful but Raven was more than difficult. Regina had known her daughter would be magical since she was pregnant but she hadn't expected the wave of chaos her powers would bring once she was born. The world can be a very bright and confusing place for a new baby and her daughter had not reacted well to it. It was very similar to when Emma had lost control of her powers under the Snow Queen. Regina and Robin couldn't make it through one day without Raven letting out some major display of her magical potential.
"You need a break," said Emma gently. "Let me take her for the weekend."
Regina let out a chuckle at that. "Leave my baby with you and hook for hands? You must be joking."
"I think we should take her up on her offer," said Robin appearing in the kitchen archway.
Emma grimaced as she took in his appearance. He looked absolutely exhausted. It was clear he hadn't shaved in days and she could swear he was wearing the same shirt he wore three days ago.
"Traitor!" hissed Regina as she held Raven closer to her chest. "We don't need a break. We're fine."
"No we're not," Robin sighed. He knew getting Regina to let Raven go would be a struggle. Ever since she'd discovered she was a having a little girl she had been determined to make sure that she didn't turn out like Cora.
He stood next to her by the counter. "Regina you know I love Raven with all my heart. I'd jump off a cliff without a second thought if she needed it but you have to admit… she's killing us."
"Robin I…," sighed Regina.
"Haven't slept in close to two days," he finished for her. "I haven't showered in close to four. We can't be good parents if we aren't even taking care of ourselves."
She shook her head at him dejectedly. "I just don't understand why it's so hard this time. I've done this before. I've done it alone and I've made it work."
"That was different," Emma chimed in. "Your body is going through changes this time. You have Henry and Roland along with Raven. Not to mention your fluctuating magic and hers."
"She's right Regina," said Robin. "This is more than we know how to handle and we need some time to regroup. Roland is at Marian's for the weekend and Henry is going on the class camping trip with the Merry Men. We could really use the break."
Regina looked down at the baby in her arms sadly. She loved her so much… but she was too exhausted to take care of her. She looked over at Emma in defeat.
"You've never taken care of a child in your life," she said weakly.
"No I haven't," admitted Emma. "But for a whole year you made me believe I had. That means everything I learned I learned from you."
She held out her arms expectantly. Regina reluctantly handed over her baby. "You better take damn good care of my daughter."
"I will," promised Emma.
XXXXXX
Getting out of the mansion was much harder than getting in. Regina would hardly let her take a step without adding on some new instruction for Raven's care. With the final agreement to take Regina's Mercedes instead of her own car Emma finally headed home with the baby girl in tow.
She had finally gotten an apartment with Killian a few months ago. It was a small two-bedroom with hardly any kitchen space but it was close to the beach and close to her parents so they loved it. As she set Raven's car seat on the kitchen counter she realized that car ride over had put her to sleep. She silently thanked her lucky stars.
Emma stared at the baby with a tilted head. She had thick black hair like her mother but it curled like her brother's. Although they were closed right now she knew her eyes were currently a light blue and everyone was praying they would stay that way. Same as her father's. Emma sighed as she watched her sleep. She had memories of Henry being this little and peaceful… but they weren't real.
She looked up as she heard the door unlock.
"Swan?"
"Killian," she said turning to him with a smile.
He pressed a kiss to her cheek as he walked up to the counter. "Why do you have Regina's car and daughter?"
"The car came with the baby," she replied cheekily.
"Who you procured because…?"
"Because we're watching her for the weekend," she said with a shrug.
"Really?" He raised an eyebrow at her. "And when did we decide that?"
She rolled her eyes at him. "Don't complain. It's not like you would've said no."
He gave her an annoyed look but smiled at the sleeping baby. "Perhaps I wouldn't."
Killian hadn't spent much time with the new princess. He didn't know if it was just her general dislike of him but he could tell Regina didn't trust him with her baby. The fact that she was even here now was a miracle.
"How'd you even manage to free her from the queen's clutches?" he asked curiously.
Emma shrugged her shoulders. "I reminded her she implanted me with childcare skills. Could you watch her for a second? I have to conjure up some nursery furniture in Henry's room."
"Alright," he said taking her seat at the counter. He watched Raven as she slept in her car seat. A part of him wanted to pick her up but he knew it wasn't wise to risk disturbing her. He eyed his hook with a frown. It wasn't exactly safe either.
XXXXXX
For the rest of the afternoon Raven remained positively docile. She woke up from her nap, enjoyed a feeding and seemed relatively pleased with her new surroundings. Emma spent most of her time playing with her while Hook helped out but kept his distance. He'd changed into his prosthetic hand just in case but didn't offer to hold her. By the time she put Raven down for the night Emma had started wonder just what all the fuss was about.
She found out when she woke up to find her whole room shaking.
She bolted upright when she felt the vibrations gently shaking her bed. Her head whipped toward her vanity when a book fell of it and slammed to the floor. When she looked up and saw the ceiling fan above her bed swaying from left right she decided to it was safer for her to stand. Earthquake? In Maine? She heard Raven's soft cries coming from Henry's room and ran to check on her. As soon as she lifted the baby girl into her arms, the shakes stopped.
Emma looked around the room and then down at Raven suspiciously. "Oh you didn't…"
Raven only squirmed in response.
Emma rolled her eyes as she tiredly walked her over the kitchen. "You know a scream would've sufficed."
She'd hoped that after she fed her Raven would go back to sleep but her hopes were quickly dashed. Despite her best efforts the tiny girl would only remain calm for no more than ten minutes at a time before crying again. To make matters worse her bouts of discomfort were accompanied by magical surges. Lights flickered on and off. Wind originating from inside the house. The baby girl seemed intent on making sure everyone around was just as uncomfortable as she was. Emma grew more and more desperate with each magical surprise. Nothing she did was working.
It was only when Raven shattered a window that Hook finally woke up. He confusedly stepped into the living room with no shirt on and his hair still messed from sleeping. "What the blazes is going on out here Swan?" he said tiredly. "Are you breaking windows?"
"That wasn't me," she hissed angrily. "Nice of you to show up by the way."
Hook looked around the room in confusion. It looked like a storm had run through it. Everything was strewn about and the floor next to the window was covered in shattered glass. "What happened in here?"
"It's Raven," answered Emma, clearly stressed out. "Every time she cries her magic goes haywire."
Hook eyed the baby warily. How could something so little be so powerful? "Have you tried getting her to calm down?"
She glared at him venomously. "Of course I tried. I have fed her and rocked her and changed her but now I'm starting to think she's just complaining for the hell of it."
Hook sighed before walking over the window. Making sure to be mindful of the glass he stuck his hand outside and gauged the weather. Windy.
"Grab your shoes Swan. We're going on a trip."
XXXXXX
Emma checked her phone and dejectedly let out a groan. It was one in the morning. She should be sleeping. Yet here she was standing at the docks in her pajamas and a light coat with her boyfriend and an irate newborn. The ocean wind whipped her hair into her face and brushed it out of eyes annoyingly.
"What are we doing here?" she asked Killian tiredly.
"Borrowing a lifeboat," he answered confidently, as he untied a small wooden boat from the docks.
She raised her eyebrows at him disbelievingly. "You can't be serious? Raven is having a fit and you want to take a midnight boat ride?"
He loaded Raven's car seat into the boat and held his hand out to her. "Swan… just trust me."
She reluctantly took his hand and grumbled as helped her on board. She checked on Raven and made sure she was still warm under her blanket. From what she could tell the baby girl should be perfectly fine but that hadn't stopped her from crying the whole way to docks. She tried to make her as comfortable as possible as Killian rowed them away from the shore. He didn't go very far. Just a few yards from the beach. The waters were just deep enough for the boat to rock with the waves.
Emma stared at him as he pulled in the oars and leaned back expectantly folding his arms. "And just what are we supposed to do now?"
"Shhhhh… Swan," he said raising a finger to her with his eyes closed.
She pouted at him as she leaned back against the edge of the boat. It was only when her eyes flickered over to Raven that she noticed the baby wasn't crying anymore. She actually seemed quite content as the waves rocked the boat back and forth. Emma watched in shock as Raven's eyes finally shut as she drifted off to sleep.
"Oh that's not fair!" she whispered fiercely. She'd been trying for more than an hour to get Raven to sleep and she goes down after only minutes on this boat!
Hook chuckled triumphantly at her. "The gentle waves of the sea. Capable of calming any beast, or babe."
Emma sighed as she tucked Raven's blanket tighter. "Might as well stay out here until she's down for good."
She turned to him curiously. "How did you even know this would work?"
"My mother," he said wistfully. "She used to tell me that when I was baby I would never stop crying. It tortured the entire family. One day, after she'd tried everything else, she decided to take me to a healer on an island nearby hoping they could cure my ailments. Halfway through the journey there I started to calm down but as soon as she stepped foot on land I started to get upset again."
"The boat ride calmed you?" said Emma with a smile.
"The sea calmed me," corrected Killian. "Turns out I was always built for it. As soon as she discovered this my mother went to the docks and convinced the sea master to loan her a small lifeboat at a reduced rate. She used to spend whole nights waiting for the waves to rock me to sleep. Eventually I grew out of it but sometimes, when I had nightmares or just couldn't sleep, she'd take me out there for the night and we'd fall asleep in the lifeboat. Never failed to calm me down."
"You and the sea, true loves since birth," said Emma with a smirk.
He raised an eyebrow at her. "Don't be jealous Swan. Green is not your color."
She laughed at him. "No I think it's nice that you retained the lessons from your mom."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Well she reminded me of it thinking it might come in handy when I had children of my own."
Suddenly Emma felt a rock begin to form in her stomach. They'd never really discussed the possibility of having children together. To be honest it was a topic she was hoping to avoid. She swallowed hard before speaking. "So… you've thought about having kids?"
He hesitated before answering her. "The thought has crossed my mind, yes. For close to 300 years I just always assumed that it would never happen for me. I was sure that my quest for revenge against the Dark One would end in my death. Now that I've given up that pursuit… I suppose I think about it more often than before."
"Do you want children Killian?"
"Do you?"
She could feel her heart beating against her ribcage as she stared into his blue eyes nervously. "I… don't."
As soon as the words left her mouth it was like a lead blanket fell over them both. Emma suddenly felt very confined in the life boat. The waves which had sounded so peaceful seconds earlier, were now loud and threatening. As she stared at Killian, awaiting his reaction, she half wished they turn over the boat and provide her with an escape.
Hearing Emma's lack of desire for children felt like a punch in the gut for Killian. He supposed that he shouldn't be surprised. She'd told him about the special medicine she took every day to prevent herself from falling pregnant. Still it was a different concept to comprehend. That his Swan, the woman he'd seen so fiercely fight for, defend and love her son, didn't want other children. He found himself going over every time he'd seen her with a child in his head. She'd always been good with them. She loved spending days with baby Neal and she already seemed quite fond of Raven. Why didn't she want children of her own?
He was shaken from his thoughts when he realized that she was waiting for a reaction from him. He cleared his throat awkwardly before speaking. "Would it bother you if I asked why?"
She tightened her grip on her seat and nervously shrugged her shoulders. "I guess… it's just never been for me. I mean… babies and diapers and bottles have never been things I saw myself doing. I'm just not built for it. Is that something you think you could be okay with?"
"Well like I said before children were never something I expected for myself," he said softly. "I've already made peace with the idea of not having them. And we have Henry's visits."
She nodded her head at the mention of her son. "That's right. And clearly we can borrow Raven and Neal whenever they're parents allow it."
He gave her a forced smile. "I'm perfectly fine with not having children Swan. I'm just glad I have you."
"Good," she said returning his smile. It didn't escape his notice that it didn't quite reach her eyes. She took another look down at Raven. "It looks like she is down permanently. Do you want to row us back as quietly as possibly?"
As Killian started to row them back to shore Emma cautiously observed him. He'd accepted her decision not to have children fairly well but she could see a sort of storm forming behind his eyes. He didn't look at her the entire trip back to shore.
XXXXXXX
The weight of Emma's confession hung over them both for the rest of their weekend with Raven. To Emma's chagrin Killian only grew more distant with her as time passed. Sure he smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek before leaving like always but it was forced. There was no banter between them, no playfulness. They were just going through the motions.
She had Raven in a baby bouncer while she waited for Regina to pick her up. She'd gotten easier to handle as the weekend passed. She was still pretty ornery but there were less explosions. Emma was starting to think she was warming up to her. As she watched her bat at the colorful toys in front of her she realized she'd miss having the little girl around. The weekend had been tough but she'd actually enjoyed spending time with her. She didn't think she could say the same for Killian. He hadn't so much as looked at the baby girl since their night in the boat.
Emma's inner turmoil was interrupted by a knock on the door. She opened it to find Regina on the other side. The former mayor looked completely rested from her weekend off. Her stain ridden shirt from earlier had been replaced with a professional blue dress. Her hair was back to its former glory and she'd even managed to put on a full face of makeup. She looked ten times better than she did before.
"I expect Raven is ready," she said automatically.
"Why hello and good morning to you too Regina," said Emma stepping aside to let her in apartment. Regina completely ignored her and made a bee line to her daughter. She grinned as she picked her up and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Oh I missed you."
Hook walked in the living room and gave Regina a small nod. "Hello Regina. You must be here to be pick up Raven."
"Well I'm certainly not here to see you," she said with a sarcastic smile.
"Pleasant," he deadpanned. He turned to Emma. "I'm going to head out, love."
"Okay," said Emma softly. "Um when will you be back?" Will you be back?
"I'll be back before dinner," he replied. He gave her a quick kiss to her forehead before leaving swiftly.
Regina watched their interaction with a furrowed brow. As soon as the door shut behind him she turned to Emma. "What the hell was that?"
"What?"
"Usually when you two are in the same room it's like watching a black lab and a golden retriever stare at each other like a pile of steaks," she elaborated. "But just now you two were… frigid."
"It's nothing," Emma lied.
Regina rolled her eyes and sighed as she set Raven back in her bouncer. "Look Emma, I may have fought you on it but the truth is you did me a really big favor by taking Raven this weekend. Because of that I am willing to reciprocate by talking about whatever problem you and the pirate seem to be having."
"Really Regina we're fine," Emma insisted unconvincingly.
The queen just gave her a disbelieving look and gestured to the couch. Emma rolled her eyes before reluctantly sitting down next to her.
"Fine. This weekend while we were watching Raven we sort of talked about having our own kids," admitted Emma. "He asked me if I wanted them and I said no."
Regina raised her eyebrows in shock. "Oh! Do you not want them now or…?"
"I don't want them… ever," clarified Emma.
"I see," said Regina nodding her head understandingly. "Was he upset?"
"No!" said Emma quickly. "He said he was fine with it and that he never expected them anyway but since that night he's done nothing but pull away from me. He's barely even looked at Raven either."
"Well I can't say I'll weep over that but how did the conversation go exactly?"
"I don't know. He talked about his childhood. I asked him what he thought about kids. He said that he'd thought about it and he asked me if I wanted them and I said no."
"Did he ask why?"
"Yeah. I told him that babies weren't for me and that I didn't think that I was built for them."
At that Regina studied her with a tilted head. "Is that what you said exactly?"
"Yes."
Regina leaned back with a disappointed look on her face. "Oh I see what the problem is now. He's not upset you don't want children. He's upset you won't tell him the real reason why."
Emma's clenched and unclenched her fist nervously. "What are you talking about? I was honest about everything."
"No Emma, you weren't," said Regina shaking her head. "After all we've been through you think I don't know when you're lying? You think he doesn't know when you're lying? There's more to this than you're telling him and he knows it."
Emma looked away from her guiltily before speaking. "So what if there is something more? This is my choice and my body and I shouldn't have to explain that to anyone."
"You know what Emma you're right," said Regina gently. "The decision to get pregnant should be yours first and foremost and if you decide that it's not something you want then you shouldn't have to explain it to anyone."
"Exactly," said Emma nodding her head earnestly.
"But Hook isn't just anyone," continued Regina. "Even if I'll never understand his appeal he's the man you love. And you want to build a future with him right?"
"Yes," said Emma softly.
"Then you have to let him know what that future's based off of," advised Regina. "Having children is a big decision for any couple but no matter what you decide you need to know that you both were honest with each other. No holding back."
Emma scoffed at her. "That's almost ironic coming from you."
"I know," said Regina rolling her eyes. "Opening up is not something I do often but it's different with Robin. He's the one person I feel like I don't have to hide from."
She looked over at Raven and sighed sadly. "You know Robin and I actually had to have the same conversation once."
Emma gave her a surprised look. "You told him that you didn't want to have kids?"
Regina hesitated before answering. "It wasn't so much that I didn't want to. It was that I… couldn't. I had cast an infertility spell on myself before we met."
Emma's eyes widened at Regina's admission. "But you… you have Raven now?"
Regina waved her hand nonchalantly. "Well Raven was quite the surprise but true love and curses. You know the deal. Anyway that's not the point. The point is after he told me that he'd chosen to be with me over Marian I had to tell him what that really meant for his future. That he wouldn't be able to have any more biological kids. So I told him when I made the choice and what my reasons were for it. I was terrified the entire time but he was incredibly understanding."
"So he was fine with it?"
"Shockingly so," said Regina with a nod.
Emma swallowed hard before speaking. "I want to open up with him but I just… I worry he'll take a look at all my scars and he'll just run from me."
Regina sent her an incredulous look. "Honestly Emma… when has that man ever run from you?"
XXXXXX
Emma spent the rest of day going over Regina's advice. She had to admit that the queen had a point. Killian had always been there when she needed to him to be. She had no reason to think that this situation would be any different. He deserved to know the truth. He'd earned that from her a thousand times over. Still… the thought of sharing her biggest fears with him made her feel incredibly vulnerable. The last time she'd done it things hadn't ended so well.
Once she decided to really open up to Killian she waited on the couch for him to get home. Honestly she thought if she took one step of the couch she would run never to return. When he walked in the door she felt a lump form in the back her throat. She tried her best to push it down as he gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Wait!" she said grabbing his arm before he could walk away from her. "Could you sit with me here for a minute? There's something I want to talk about."
"Alright," he said taking a seat next to her apprehensively. "What would you like to discuss?"
She took a deep breath before starting. "I wanted to talk about our conversation on the boat. About me not wanting to have kids. I just have more that I want to say about it."
Killian straightened his back and crossed his arms defensively. "Well I am all ears."
Emma pressed her lips together nervously. "When I was pregnant with Henry it was the worst experience of my entire life. I was seventeen. I was in jail. And I was terrified. I knew from the minute I found out I was pregnant that there was no possible way that I'd ever get to keep him. So I spent every day trying not to get attached to the baby inside of me and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. When I went into labor they drove me to the hospital in a prison van and handcuffed me to the hospital bed so I couldn't run. And when he was born I couldn't even look at him because was too afraid of wanting him. I spent my entire pregnancy convincing myself that I couldn't be a good mother so it would be easier to let him go and now I don't think I can convince myself any differently. Every time I think about having a baby and getting pregnant I remember the jail and I remember the handcuffs and I feel like I can't breathe."
By the time she was done she could feel her face burning and tears running down her cheeks. Killian immediately wrapped his arms around her and she began to cry into his shoulder. "I just can't do it again."
He rubbed her back soothingly. "Shh… Emma. It's okay. You'll never have to. I'd never make you."
XXXXXX
Emma didn't know how long she'd spent crying into Killian's shoulder. It must've been awhile because she woke up a few hours later in her bed. He must've carried her there after she'd passed out from exhaustion. Her face and eyes still felt sore from all the crying. She saw that Killian had left her a glass of water and a bottle aspirin on the night stand. His thoughtfulness made her smile.
She found him in the kitchen trying to turn on the stove for dinner. It didn't seem to be going well.
He turned when he felt her eyes on him. "I was just trying to reheat dinner," he said sheepishly.
She squeezed his shoulder and gave him a small smile. "That's sweet but I don't think it's going well for you."
She reached past him and pressed the preheat button on the oven. "Done."
He sent her a small smile. "You always make it look so simple Swan."
She chuckled at him. "Don't worry about it. It actually took me 28 years and fake memories to master the art of the kitchen."
He gazed her admirably. "You're incredible Swan. Don't ever downplay it."
She looked down at her hands nervously. "Killian I… I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you with… my feelings about everything."
He quickly reached out to caress her cheek. "No Emma. You didn't overwhelm me. When I told you I was a fan of every part of you I meant it. I never want you to feel like you have to hide pieces of yourself from me."
He pressed a kiss to her forehead and let out a deep breath. "If I'm perfectly honest your admission came as a bit of relief for me."
She looked up at him curiously. "A relief?"
"Well… I could tell you were holding back on the boat and I just assumed that the reason you didn't want children is because you didn't want them with me."
Her eyes widened at his words. "Why would you think that?"
He raised his hook sheepishly. "I thought it might bother you…"
Her mouth fell open as her eyes flickered between his hook and face. "You thought the hook might bother me?! Is that why you didn't spend any time with Raven this weekend? You were afraid you'd hurt her?"
His silence and clenched jaw told her all she needed to know. "Killian I don't care about that. You've had the hook longer than you had your actual hand. You're more than capable of being around kids without hurting them. I've seen you with Roland and my brother."
"It's more than just the hook Swan," he admitted. "I was a villain. For three hundred years. I did so many deplorable, unspeakable things. I couldn't imagine that you'd want to have children with someone with a past like mine. That you would want a future where you would have to explain all my dark deeds to our children."
She stared at him in shock. He looked so ashamed of himself and his past. She placed a hand on his cheek and forced him to look at her.
"My feelings about this have nothing to do with you or your past," she said firmly. "I actually think that given the chance you'd make an amazing parent. And I don't think your children would care about the person you were in the past. They'd care about the father you were to them. Henry and Regina are proof of that. Yes things were rocky when he first found out but he loves Regina. He always has and he always will. And he doesn't care about your past either."
"Are you certain it doesn't bother you?" he asked softly. "Because I am perfectly fine with not having children but I am not fine with you denying yourself them because of who I am."
"Who you were," she corrected firmly. "And yes I am certain. This was something I'd decided long before I met you. Even if I didn't realize it."
He searched her face for any sign of hesitation before nodding his head. "Alright."
"And you're certain that you can live without kids?"
"As long I have you I don't need anything else," he said firmly.
Emma felt a weight lift off her chest as she wrapped her arms around him. This was different and much better than the conversation they'd had on the boat. She had no doubts this time. No worries about whether he'd held back on her or her him. The air was clear between them. She didn't know if she would ever change her mind about kids. Maybe she would and maybe she wouldn't. What she did know is that they would be fine either way.
So what did you think? please review!