The Hatter was happily dreaming. It was a good dream. He and Alice were having a picnic in a meadow. He could feel a happy breeze, the sun was shining warm, the tea was hot and there was all the cream cake he could possibly want.
Alice was wearing a short, baby blue sun dress. She seemed really intent on feeding him chocolate covered strawberries.
Then like the snap of the fingers that dream was over…
Alice was dreaming. She was in a circus. And she was a tightrope walker. Not only was she really high up, she was wearing a shiny sequined number that didn't seem to cover a whole lot.
She took a breath and stepped onto the tightrope and the crowd cheered; which really didn't make this experience all that better.
Alice very firmly didn't look down. Instead she focused on her destination. And suddenly things were much better. There was the Hatter coming to meet her half way. And bonus. He was wearing tights!
And then…
Charles Xavier, the most powerful telepath on the planet reached out. His mind flows out like a mist and touches every sentient mind on the planet Earth; young and old, rich and poor, mutant and sapian, magic and mundane, even villain and hero.
He borrows their strength; the strength of his own children, of friends, of enemies, of strangers.
His mind touches Alice and the Hatter and through them he touches upon a world of good natured madness.
He adds them to the throbbing group mind. Xavier punches Galactus, Destroyer of Worlds in the face with them, "Hello Galactus. Remember me? I've brought six billion of my friends."
There is a sound like the foundations of the universe quaking. Galactus who had always scorned the lives he brought to end was experiencing all of them at once; pain, love, birth, dying, fighting, playing, growing. Everything. All at once.
The entire gauntlet of human experience shoved into the head of a primordial god…the results usually aren't pretty. Ask Illyria.
And to add to that gestalt of minds plus the sheer utter insanity of Wonderland?
Galactus whimpered. And passed out.
Professor Charles Xavier tried not to feel smug as he released the minds of earth. It was tacky.
"What the hell was that!" bellowed someone whose psychic aura was a swirling Mandela of chaotic color; bold bronzes, deep purples and dark greens dappled with electric azure. The aura, incongruously, seemed to smell of tea.
"Hatter!" this aura was all calm shades of blue and passionate violets and splashes of gold that weren't so much melted together as they were entwined like intracate lace with touches of sunshine yellow.
"Alice!"
Xavier watched in bemusement as the two souls embraced.
"What's going on?" the Hatter wondered. "One minute you were feeding me chocolate covered strawberries and the next it's like someone's using my actual brain to beat someone over the head!"
"Ah, yes," interrupted Xavier. "I'm afraid that was my doing. I apologize for any inconvenience." The professor was anticipating many irate phone calls from people who wouldn't really enjoy being used as a bludgeon. He especially wasn't looking forward to explaining to Scott's temperamental cousin.
"Who are you?" Alice demanded.
"I am…ah Alice Hamilton." Xavier peered closer at her fascinating mind and its ability to adapt to practically any environment. "I'm Charles Xavier. We have not met but, I do believe we know of each other. Several of my students hold you in high regard." He had been interested in meeting the young lady that Kitty had often remarked was 'made of awesome.'
And her companion. Wonderland was real. Huh. That would explain… well everything about the Hatter.
Alice remembered, "Oh, yeah. You're the headmaster of the 'Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters.'"
Xavier got the impression of a smile like a flash of sunlight.
"I don't mean to be rude. But, what the hell was that?" repeated the Hatter.
The professor explained.
"So you made every mind on Earth into a wreaking ball of doom and hit Galactus with it," Alice summarized.
"Essentially, yes," Xavier replied.
"Who's Galactus?" wondered the Hatter.
"Giant primordial god-thing who likes to eat planets," explained Alice. "He wears the ugliest hat known to sentient life."
"Ah," to the Hatter this made perfect sense. A bad hat. "Can we go back to bed?" he asked plaintively.
"Certainly, goodnight Alice, Hatter," and Charles Xavier sent them back home.
Alice fell off her bed with a whooph. She stared at her ceiling, "This is going to be a weird day."
"Welcome to another addition of 'Walking with Jabberwoks," said the voice over guy. Charlie's newest obsession was wildlife television. Jack hadn't been best pleased that the Hatter had gotten the White Knight hooked on the work of Nigel Thornberry and the late, great Steve Irwin.
Mostly because Charlie had decided that the thing to do was premiere his own version of wildlife documentaries. The king had watched the first viewing with a veritable twitch as Charlie had ruminated on the life cycles of the Bandersnatch. Who was a hairsbreadth of eating the knight.
It was a good thing Shelia was looking out for him. It really boggled the mind, how did he survive this long without her?
"Behold, the majestic Jabberwok as it glomphs in the Tulgy Wood. See how it sniffs the air in anticipation of a meal. Are you getting this Sheila?" Charlie grinned at the camera, mustache quivering in excitement.
"Charlie! Be quieter…I think it smells you," came Sheila's voice.
Charlie rolled his eyes, "Don't be silly Sheila. It clearly smells the plum cake I made for bait."
"The plum cake you fell into? The plum cake that's clogging up your chain mail? Is that the plum cake you're talking about?" Shelia sounded annoyed.
"Why yes. That plum cake," the knight grinned happily at the camera. "Besides, what of it? So what if it can smell me," he straightened to his full height, his armor gleaming in the sunlight. "I'm a knight," Charlie said confidently.
A noise like a thunderstorm screaming ripped through the woods.
"Oh," said Charlie. "Shelia, I think we should run. Very fast."
Sadly, no one was watching this riveting episode. Even sadder, they weren't having tea or eating cake or making out like teenagers.
Alice and the Hatter were running away from something very fast, weaving around furniture.
"This is familiar," Alice panted.
The Hatter laughed, "Tulgy Wood. Good times." He skidded to a stop, upended a coffee table and pulled Alice behind it.
"You think that's going to help us?"
Really, she should have a little more faith in him. "Just wait," he whispered against her ear.
Alice, despite having had an epic wakeup call and despite being chased by what looked like an angry knife that snarled, smiled. She'd had hundreds of weird days even before she fell though the mirror. And when other people were running around like they had 'squirrels in their paints,' she'd dealt with all of them with a ruthless practicality
Somehow, Alice was convinced that made her sane.
Doubtless, she'd have hundreds more strange days. But, it was nice to know, that someone would be dealing with them with her.
The Hatter picked up the table by its legs, using it as a shield and began to move in a slow circle, Alice who was forced to move with him as he had her pinned between him and the table rolled her eyes.
Great. One of his plans.
"Let me guess; you go this way, I'll go that way," she snarked.
"Alice," the Hatter murmured, "That knife means to draw blood. I'm not going to let it. I hate to bleed. And I hate even more when you bleed. So for once…cooperate."
She caught the annoyed tone. Was it wrong that she found an annoyed Mad Hatter so very sexy?
"Hey knife!" shouted the Hatter, "You're as dull as a soup spoon! Your shine has been replaced by rust! You're as scary as a plastic ladle!"
Alice tried not to giggle. He was mocking the cutlery. It deserved a giggle.
There was a silvery screeching noise from above. It was the knife. And it was glaring, with its little carved face at the Hatter.
"Come and get me, letter opener. If you think you're 'ard enough," the Hatter said cockily.
The knife screamed and flung itself at them, the Hatter swung up the little table. The little wooden table, thus did he catch the knife.
He plunked down the table with a triumphant crow. Then he kissed Alice soundly in celebration.
"How do you like that apple peeler?" mocked the Hatter.
Alice rolled her eyes, "Don't mock the scary knife."
The Hatter blinked, "Why not. It can't hurt me. Can it?"
"No. It's tacky."
The Hatter shrugged, "I wonder what kind of knife it is. And why it was chasing after me."
Alice sat on the leather turtle shaped footstool and tapped her chin. "It's a Phurba," she dredged up a comparative religion class lecture. "From India. A weapon against evil."
The Hatter pouted, "I'm mad not evil. You'd think a magical weapon would know the differece."
"You'd think." Alice lowered herself to eye level with the knife. "There is a difference, between evil and chaos."
The Phurba gave her a skeptical look.
Alice smiled, "Crazy is just as much a part of creation as order. They go together. It's were life comes from." She suddenly frowned. Where the hell was this coming from? Words coming out of her lips…she just couldn't remember thinking them. Oh, right. A touch of magic.
The knife considered this. It looked from Alice to the Hatter. It scowled.
"Oh," Alice understood. "This is awkward."
"Oh, what?" wondered the Hatter.
"It was trying to protect me," Alice said.
The Hatter glared at the knife, "You can tell it to sod off. Protecting you is my job."
The Phurba seemed to evaluate the Hatter.
"From you."
"Oi!" the Hatter exclaimed. And went nose to tiny carved nose with the knife, "Listen 'ere, butter spreader, I protect Alice. She's…" he groped about for words. "Everything…and, and why am I justifying myself to a bit of animated metal?"
Alice blushed at his admission. She started when the knife yanked itself out of the coffee table and spun into the air.
The Phurba circled them and hovered for a moment in indecision. To Alice's great surprise it kissed her on the cheek before coming to a halt in front of the Hatter's wild eyes. It snorted and its expression seemed to say 'you're not much but, you'll do' before speeding back to its velvet lined case.
Alice and the Hatter blinked at each other. Then they started laughing.
"Is this what your life's like? One odd thing after another?" queried the Hatter.
Alice nodded, "Yeah, pretty much."
"No wonder you weren't driven mad by Wonderland," he smiled. "If of course, by mad one means insane and not really irritated."
Alice rested her head against his shoulder, "My life is long boring days interspaced with moments of improbability and terror."
"Hum." The Hatter kissed the top of her head. "Better with two. Yeah?"
"Yes. Better with two."
----
Making sandwiches with the Hatter was always an experience. It would always start the same way, with the Hatter asking the same question about the origins of the word 'sandwich.'
They had sandwiches in Wonderland. Only, they didn't call them that. They called them 'betweens' because you put various fillings 'between' two slices of bread.
Alice would relate the same story about the Earl of Sandwich and how he wanted to eat and gamble at the same time. She tried not to gag when the Hatter made combined tastes that should never go together like salami, peanut butter, provolone and Skittles on toasted rye with spicy mustard.
It made her Nutulla and bananas on wheat toast with the crusts cut off look down right tame.
Then the Hatter would say something about the earl of the sand witches being very smart.
"Did you ever have the feeling someone's watching you?" Alice asked nonchalantly.
The Hatter who had been about to take a bite off his huge creation carefully lowered the sandwich to his plate and favored Alice with a bland smile, "Yeah, on occasion."
Alice nibbled and chewed and swallowed. Yes. She was putting this off. She'd tried to ease into the conversation… She had really wanted to avoid his 'Alice Danger Sense' if at all possible.
His polite smile told her of her failure.
"Ever since that night you took me out for dinner with my mom…" Alice had told Sue Storm about the possible skrull. She hadn't told the Hatter.
"You've felt like you've been followed for three days now and you didn't tell me," his smile grew even blander.
Alice winced and sipped her peppermint tea. "That's not the only thing I haven't told you." She sighed, "It really didn't occur to me to tell you. I'm…not used to having a partner."
The Hatter bit his bottom lip. Alice did say that she trusted him. Completely. Maybe, she just wasn't used to trusting him yet.
"Tell me," the Hatter said softly.
Alice told him. She spoke of Skrulls and the invasion. She told him about two months in a Skrull prison camp and the very bare details on her escape.
"And you think that one of these alien lizard guys is following you about possibly beheading people and steeling their knickers. And you told someone else first?" the Hatter asked calmly.
Alice clasped her hands before her, "Yes." Her voice was very small and he could feel the guilt that she was emitting.
Hmmm. She responded far better to sadly softly spoken words then she did angry ranting. He'd remember that.
And he'd remember the bit about her stay in a prison camp. The Hatter had ways of making her talk.
The Hatter reached out and patted her hand, "Are you sure it's the same shape changer?"
Alice nibbled. Mmm Nutulla. "I can't really see them sending an entire strike force after me. It's not like I'm a superhero." She thought a moment, "Whoever this guy is he's not very good at the infiltration."
"Why would you say that?"
Alice rolled her eyes, "He's wandering around as ridiculously good looking actors. In New York. All it would take is a phone call and he's fodder for the paparazzi."
Ridiculously good looking actors, was it? The Hatter took in the slow rise of her lips. Oh. The sly little minx. Well, he certainly wasn't going to rise to that bait.
The Hatter pecked her on the lips, "So, you start work again tomorrow?"
Alice nodded, "Yep." She was torn on one hand she loved teaching, on the other she adored spending so much time with the Hatter. That was another first. Usually, her boyfriends fell into two camps. The first were the commitment-phobes that inevitably ran. The second were the guys that clung.
The Hatter was neither. He had left his world for her. And okay he clung. But, she liked it.
A sound reverberated through the mansion. It was a low and chilling laughter. Alice could feel her spine prickling with something unpleasant.
"What was that?" Alice was off her chair and shifting into a ready stance
The Hatter chuckled, "It's properly just the ghost."
"The ghost?" Alice blinked.
"For what Jack paid for this place there should be a ghost," the Hatter returned. "A big old place like this should 'ave a ghost. Gives it character."
Alice's expression smoothed out, "You. Are really crazy, on anyone else it would be off-putting. On you it's charming."
"Thank you, darling."
"A karateka named Shoshin Nagamine once said, "Karate may be considered as the conflict within oneself or as a life-long marathon which will be won only through self-discipline, hard training, and one's own creative efforts," Alice told her beginners class earnestly.
"The Way of the Empty Hand is more than way to protect your self or stay in shape. It's a philosophy. Only with a clear mind and clear conscious can one be a karateka. It's a discipline that stresses self control. A single blow from someone who knows what they are doing can kill. Those who would misuse what is taught here bring dishonor upon themselves." The sensei studied her students, looking upon each face that had come to the dojo, to see their commitment.
Alice blinked. Jude Law was taking her class. Interesting.
A hand in the back tentatively raised itself, "Teacher." The voice was sorta British.
Alice stopped in her bare feet. Would he? Of course he would.
The Hatter in a white karategi and a beginning students white obi was grinning at her cheekily. He bounced on his toes. He was hatless and his hair was so appealingly messy, that she just wanted to run her fingers through it. He smiled widely. "I mean sensei," he bowed awkwardly at her.
Alice wondered at the tingle that the Hatter calling her sensei invoked. She gave him her sternest look, the one that made her look like a scary librarian. "You must be Mr. Write?"
"I must be, "the Hatter replied. He looked at her like she was chocolate cake.
Alice blushed. Why did he have this affect on her? It wasn't fair. The first time he'd touched her, when he examined the glow her heart had started beating like a drum solo.
"You had a question, Mr. Write?" Alice managed
"I don't suppose you'd like to go out with me?" asked the Hatter impishly.
Alice kept her face blank, "Mr. Write that would be inappropriate."
"Ah," the Hatter raised a sardonic eyebrow.
She didn't cringe. Okay, so Jack had been her student. So she dated him…
"Tell you what, Mr. Write. I'll go out with you. If and I do mean if you prove to be a proficient student," she said flirtatiously.
The Hatter looked startled. Good. It wouldn't do for him to get to complacent. "Really." His smile came back bigger and twice as wicked, "I'm going to be the best student you've ever had."
Alice didn't doubt it for a moment. She walked back to the front of the class with lips that couldn't help but curl up.
Jude Law glared at the Hatter.
-----
For the entire day they were followed by 'Ridiculously good looking actor clones' as Alice called them—the Hatter was pretty sure she emphasized the ridiculously good looking bit just to be annoying.
He wondered if telling her that he found annoying cute would make her stop. The Hatter decided not to risk it.
The Hatter was starting to get annoyed. This stalking of Alice was getting old. It would have been taken care of fairly quickly if the Fantastic Four weren't in Kentucky fighting the Mole People.
So, it was left up to the two of them.
-----
Alice and the Hatter left the theater hand in hand. This was the third Broadway play they had seen together.
The first was the Phantom of the Opera. The Hatter's running commentary and his theory that the Phantom and Raul were in fact, the same person had made her break into a torrent of gigglers. She hadn't been a giggler until she met him. Later that week he had made her melt with an impromptu performance of 'The Music of the Night.'
'Momma Mia!' turned him into an ABBA fan. The horror.
Tonight was 'Into the Woods.'
"So, how did you like it?" Alice looped her arm with the Hatter's.
The Hatter sighed, "It was very real wasn't it. Stories aren't as simple as they are in text. They go all over the place." He thought and let out a chuckle, "How does Wolf like it?"
Alice rolled her eyes, "According to him, Stephen Sondheim is prejudiced against lupines. But, then he has to be honest. Wolves are just like humans. Good, bad and indifferent."
"I suppose they would be," the Hatter replied. His face lit up in a smile that was all naughtiness and innuendo.
Alice's breath hitched as he brushed her neck with the back of his fingers.
"Alice, do you do things like this on purpose. Wear you hair up so I have to stare at your neck? It's a nice neck, all column-y with smooth pale skin." He leaned in close, "I think I 'aven't paid enough attention to this lovely piece of your anatomy."
"Oh," was her less then coherent reply.
"Come with me," he gently let her to the alley way between two theaters.
Alice protested, "Where are we going?"
"Here," the Hatter pressed her against the brick wall, his arm trapping her in. "Hello, Alice."
"Hi, Hatter," Alice breathed. She was very startled when he took in her scent from clavicle to the back of her ear.
"Just something I wanted to try," he murmured.
She suddenly remembered something, "Wait. Did you get this from Twilight fanfiction?" Alice had been both amused and disturbed at how the Hatter had been taken by books that pulled in the teenaged girls and middle aged women. He liked to read the naughty bits out loud.
"Maybe," then the Hatter bit her.
"Ouch!" Alice considered the sensation of the Hatter nipping sharply at her neck. "Do it again!"
The Hatter laughed once with elation.
His Alice had more than a little of the wild in her. He leaned in and kissed her sweet lips before returning to her neck.
This was shaping up to be a fine evening indeed.
Naturally, this is where they were interrupted. Rough hands pulled the Hatter from Alice and tossed him with great force at a dumpster.
Fortunately, it was closed.
The assailant looked like a 'ridiculously good looking actor,' specifically, Christian Bale. He glared murderously at the Hatter.
"Hey, Batman!" Alice stepped forward and with several short and sweeping movements that had him hit the ground with a thump.
She ran to the much bruised Hatter and helped him up, "Are you all right?"
"'M fine love," He straightened his hat. "Is that our stalker?"
'Bale' rose slowly from the ground. His features rippled and a handsome if scaly visage emerged. "Stop touching her! You don't get to touch her!"
The Hatter's eyebrow went up. He didn't get to touch her, huh? He snaked an arm around Alice's waist yanked her close and kissed her mouth lightly. Then he smiled winsomely at the skrull.
The skrull growled.
"Jash?" Alice recognized the skrull before them.
The Hatter's grip tightened when he felt all her muscles clench up and her stance shift, "You know this lizard?"
"Yeah. I know him," Alice's tone was icy as her eyes. "This is Lieutenant Jash of the Skrull Empire. He was my prison guard." She tilted her head, "Why are you on Earth?"
Jash stepped forward and said with great sincerity, "I have come to claim my bride." The skrull sighed at her blank expression. "I intend to marry you Alice Hamilton," he announced grandly.
Alice blinked. Then she burst into peals of rich laughter.
The Hatter loved the sound of her laughter it ran through his veins like warm caramel. Also, the hell?
"Why?" Alice demanded. "Why would you want to merry the woman who beat you into a bloody pulp, humiliated you in front of your squadron commander and stole your spaceship?" She was very much aware of the Hatter's proud grin and calculating eyes.
She really didn't want to tell him that story. Telling a mad man who made you his first priority over everything that something horrible happened to you would not go over well.
Alice didn't think that the fact that this had happened before they met would appease her devoted loon.
Jash said pompously, "By besting me in battle you have proven yourself worthy to be a skrull warrior's mate. You will have found that the males of your own species undeserving of you and you desire a real warrior to share your bed."
Alice gave the Hatter a lengthy once over that made him feel delightfully bare, "I have found nothing of the sort."
The Hatter bared his teeth. It was far to savage an expression to call a smile, "Alice would you mind terribly if I severely bludgeoned your young beau?"
Alice answered, "I kinda wanted to do it myself. After all, he is stalking me and killing waiters in my city."
"You got to beat 'im up last time. It's my turn," the Hatter whined.
Jash looked from one to the other in consternation. Had they forgotten he was here? "Send your playmate away, Alice, and come." This was a demand.
Her mouth hung open in a little o before snapping shut and held up a finger, "Do you love me, Jash of the Skrull? Or wait. Skip that. What do you actually know about me?"
Jash was taken aback. What did that mean? "I…"
"What's my middle name? What's my favorite show? What country did I backpack in during my junior year of college? Do I like coffee or tea?" she smiled thinly at the fuming skrull.
"Hortense. Stargate. Italy. Both." The Hatter recited happily. "Can I please beat him up?"
Alice sighed. Rolled her eyes. "Yeah, go ahead. Pummeling only. No killing." She tilted her chin and addressed her would be spouse, "I don't know what was going through that thick skull of yours. But, I know this. If I'm going to marry anyone it's gonna be him," she nodded at the Hatter.
The Hatter let out a little gasp, "Really?" His heart began to drum like a rock concert.
Alice kissed his cheek, "Yep." It wasn't, surprisingly, a hard thing to admit. It was a fact. The sky was blue. Magneto was crazy. Gravity made things fall. She was going to marry the Hatter.
And it didn't freak her out. At all.
It made her all happy. Alice smiled at the Hatter's look of absolute joy, "Ask me in nine months. I expect a nice long leisurely courtship."
"Whooohooo!" the Hatter whooped. He grabbed and dipped Alice, kissing her with complete abandon.
Jash screamed internally. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to want him back, not dismiss him like he was an errant child. In the prison camp, he'd admired her. It amazed him how someone so fragile could have so strong a will. She never broke.
That Alice had managed to escape, free the other prisoners and face him in battle had made her well nigh irresistible.
And she was rejecting him in favor of that garishly dressed buffoon. Even with his limited knowledge of earth fashions, he knew that you didn't wear those colors together.
When they finally pulled apart, Jash pointed a taloned finger at the Hatter, "I'm going to gut you open and leave your cooling carcass to the scavengers."
"Oooo," the Hatter did lazy jazz hands. "So scary," he mimed a little boxing. "Is he always this dramatic?"
Alice sighed, "Wouldn't know. Two months as his prisoner and the only time he'd spoke to me was during interrogations."
The Hatter frowned. He'd looked up the Skrull Invasion when he found out about Alice's stint as a captive. Three thousand people dead and the rest of the planet had been severely traumatized. He could only imagine what had gone down in that interment camp. And he can only imagine what Alice didn't tell him. Unfortunately, he had a great imagination.
It didn't help that sometimes, on the nights she fell asleep in his arms, she had nightmares. Sadly, she didn't talk in her sleep, so he really had no idea what they were about. And afterwards, she never wanted to talk about it.
And now someone who had possibly hurt her was here demanding her hand in marriage. This was going to be so much fun!
"Oh, go ahead," Alice huffed.
The Hatter smiled wickedly, "Really?
She rolled her eyes, "Really, really. But, no killing. I want him to spend a very long time in an S.H.I.E.L.D cell." Alice shot a grin at Jash, "Incidentally, Hatter's an excellent warrior."
The Hatter preened, "Shall we dance?"
Jash snarled and was promptly knocked across the alley by a red and black blur.
The Hatter looked down at his clenched right fist and sighed in disappointment.
It was a well built figure of a masked man dressed in red and black spandex.
Alice closed her eyes in horror and counted to three. Maybe if she wished really hard he'd disappear. Her eyes snapped open. No such luck. He was still here.
"Hiya, bestest buddy!"
"Hello Wade," Alice looked like she'd taken a sip of pure lemon juice and was too polite to spit it out.
"How's my favorite-st person in the whole wide world? Can you believe the nerve of some people? I come to visit my pal and some skeeve with scales is menacing her. Do like coconut cream pie? Not like, like coconut cream pie, 'cause that would be weird. I think we should go out for pie. And you don't have ta get coconut cream pie if ya don't want to.
You've always seemed more of a chocolate cream pie kind of girl. Or maybe you like apple a la mode. We've never really talked about you're pie preferences.
Hey, Alice, speaking of something totally different do you remember that time at Murderworld, ya know the time it was infested with zombies and you went after that one guy with a chainsaw?" blathered the figure in red.
Alice was very aware of the Hatter's sideways glance. He mouthed 'Murderworld' at her and smiled in a way that meant she wasn't going to get out of this one. Even if he had to tickle it out of her.
She was going to kill Harry Osborne for telling him, she was ticklish. Retired from supervillainy her ass!
"…and the blood was getting everywhere and then Nightcrawler bamphed us to the marry-go-round of death and we rode the horsies into the sunset? Good times. Good times.
I realized that I was spending so much time with Cable that I was neglecting my 'ittle buddy and so I stole a hover- bike crashed into Brooklyn and here I am!"
Alice, her face pale answered, "How utterly unexpected it is to see you." She smiled weakly.
"I know!" the mask looked over to the sprawled skrull then to the baffled and amused man in the hat. "Is this one bothering you too. 'Cause if he is I can totally take care of it for you."
Alice held up a hand hastily, "No. No, that's okay. He's mine. And I'd rather you'd didn't damage him. I want to keep him."
The mask seemed to smile, "Huh. Alice has a love monkey! How'd did you meet? Was it love at first sight? Did your eyes meet across a crowded room?"
"When I first met him I thought he was 'Mad, bad and dangerous to know,'" Alice quoted Byron with a small smirk.
"Oi!" the Hatter protested.
"Did I say that it was a turn off?" Alice laughed at him.
The Hatter perked up a bit. Hmmm.
Why? Why did it have to be Deadpool? She could see it now, he and the Hatter would get on like a house on fire. Screaming and running in the streets with the shrill scream of the firefighter trucks.
Still, she knew the dangerous psychotic wouldn't hurt her. In fact, Alice knew that without a doubt, the murderous loon cared deeply for her.
She's never been sure why.
"Wade Wilson a. k .a 'Deadpool' a. k. a 'The Merc with a Mouth' totally psychotic assassin for hire meet my boyfriend Hatter," Alice waved her hands like a game show host.
"Hatter is a terrible codename," said the merc. "Is he called that just because he wears a hat. Okay, so it's a pretty spiffy bowler… still where's the imagination?" asked Deadpool.
Alice laughed, "He's not called the Hatter because he wears a hat. He's called that because he's mad."
The Hatter pouted. He liked his nickname, thank you.
"Wait," Deadpool wiggled his finger for silence. He pointed at the Hatter then to Alice. He repeated this action five times, "Alice and the Mad Hatter?"
Alice nodded.
Wade Wilson began to laugh. "Aha ha ha wa haa ha giggle snort, hee he ha ha ha. I'm done."
Deadpool walked into the Hatter's personal space and peered down the smaller man's nostrils intently, "Hurt my friend and you'll know horrors beyond the ken of mortal man. Do ya dig? Do. You. Dig. It? I will make the Stygian pit seem like a day at the races. I will give you a million paper cuts and pour lemon juice on them! I will dance the dance of the drunken elephant on your head. I'll find your old embarrassing high school yearbook pictures and post them on the internet!"
Alice rolled her eyes as the two lunatics stared each other down. Boys. Yeash.
"Sounds fair," the Hatter decided. "Alice is my very own kettle of joy tea and tea cozy of delight. I would sooner do a strip tease in front of the Queen of Hearts before hurting her. I'd rather never wear another hat! To make her happy I'd steal the sky. I'd fight armies for her single fistedly. For a single smile I'd walk a thousand miles. I will spend the rest of her days as her devoted love muffin."
He meant every word.
"Okay," Deadpool replied taking a step back.
Jash stood and limped over to the three and reached out to grab Alice's arm. And was introduced to the sledgehammer, the Hatter fist knocked him into the wall.
"Owww."
"So far I like him," Deadpool proclaimed.
Alice silently thanked each and every one of her lucky stars. Things could have gotten messy.
"So, who wants pie?" the merc asked hopefully.
In the idyllic town of Coeur d'Coeur there is a pie shop shaped like a pie. Its name was the Pie Hole and it was arguably the best place to get pie in the world. And into that shop walked three people. One was completely off his rocker, the second was a little mad, and the third was very sane.
They stopped and breathed. It smelt like heaven's bakery.
"Ohhh. Instead of little boxes of dialogue we have a narrator," gushed the first. His name was Wade Wilson. But, people called him Deadpool. He was an assassin for hire who was once the subject of an experiment to cure cancer. It was only partly successful. It added insanity and a sometimes mania to his already annoying personality.
He wore a mask.
The second was young handsome man with a glint in his eye and a hat on his head. He was the Hatter and he was from Wonderland. It would take far too long to describe him in detail. Let's just say he is what is known as a 'loveable rogue.' "What's 'e on about now?" the Hatter asked the third, A lovely young lady.
"Wade thinks that we're in a comic book. Complete with dialogue boxes," the lovely young lady replied. Her name was Alice. No. Not the same from the book. But, nonetheless, just as splendid. She was a delightful mix of sanity with a light froth of quirky.
Sadly, her dress wasn't wet.
"A comic book? Really," the Hatter looked at her seriously. "It would explain so much about you."
Alice frowned, "I'm not a comic book character."
The Hatter shrugged, "Are you sure about that? I'm from a book. Someone could be reading your life right now."
She bit her lip. He did have a point. And her life was exactly that weird.
"The voice like that of a movie narrator is describing us and everything we do," Deadpool whispered in delight. "I like it here!"
The Hatter liked the pie shop too. Though, not for the same reason as the insane mercenary. It rather reminded him of home.
A very short, very pretty blond woman with a smile a mile long trotted up to them, "Hi! I'm Olive, welcome to the Pie Hole as in shut your…"
Alice smiled at the small exuberant woman, "Hello, what's good?"
Impossibly, Olive's smile grew wider, "Honey, everything's good."
There weren't many customers this time of night. There was private detective Emerson Cod who scowled at the newcomers.
And in the corner…
Alice blinked. In the corner sat three people. One was a redhead who wore a terrified expression like she was stuck between Scylla and Charybdis. On the girl's left was a striking young man with longish hair wearing tweed and a bowtie who was staring intently at the pretty blond women in a red hoodie who looked like she was about to bolt.
That wasn't all Alice saw.
The redhead was all raw shimmering potential. But, the other two…
The man flickered. There was eleven of him, fire, dandy, leather, ice, sneakers, rage, scarf (that was familiar), like the night, umbrella, tall, storm in the heart of the sun, short, dark, ancient and forever, fair, wise, burns at the center of time, foolish, brilliant, mad, destroyer, wonderful, savior, healer…
A touch of magic, Alice thought as it came. She steadied her breath. A storm sat in a diner in a bowtie.
Okay.
She made the mistake of looking at the blond girl. She was glowing like the sun. You have something of the wolf about you!
They were linked. Eternally bound. 'Not a bad life, eh.' 'Better with two.'
Alice decided to just go with it when the dead girl went to wait on them. It was just one of those very strange days.
Olive led them over to a table, "Here ya go." She handed them the menus.
"A coconut cream pie. The whole thing and a fork, short and pretty," Wade managed to leer with his mask on. "Can I kidnap you?"
Olive's huge grin faltered. She was being hit on by a man in a mask. At least that was what she hoped he was doing.
Alice slapped the merc on the arm, "No kidnapping."
The mask gave the impression that it was pouting.
She looked up from the menu, "I'll have a slice of the chocolate ganache, chocolate cream with strawberries in the champagne and white cheddar crust. And coffee."
The Hatter grinned, "I'll have a piece of the carmel apple, one of what my lady fair is having, and a slice of the peanut butter pie. And tea."
Olive nodded skipped off.
"Didja know that there's a DC comic's villain called the Mad Hatter?" Wade asked the Hatter.
This elected a glare, "Yes, a disgrace to the name of Hatter, a slander on my entire line of haberdashery enthusiasts. I will not stand for such an affront on my heritage…"
And they were off. They, much to Alice's terror, were getting along. Worse, the Hatter had managed to get many stories about her varied past out of Deadpool. Not that it was hard to get Wade to talk. At length. About anything.
She focused on the others in the shop.
----
The pretty brunette dead girl whose name was improbably Chuck slid across from the cross looking black man.
"You're knitting in public, Pooh Bear," Chuck graced him with a pretty smile.
Emerson Cod scowled at her, "Firstly, don't ever call me that. Secondly, I am secure in my masculinity. I enjoy knitting. It relaxes me. Particularly, when I converse with the walking undead."
Chuck shook her head fondly, "I admire your honesty. So, what's the case?"
Cod purled two, "What makes you think there's a case?"
"You get the cutest little furrows in your brow when you're thinking about a case," Chuck told him with a grin.
He glowered at her.
The Pie-Maker, a man named Ned who could raise the dead…
Deadpool giggled at the Narrator's rhyme.
For a limited time, a gift from no one in particular sat down by Emerson Cod and across from Charlotte Charles, a girl known as Chuck.
Chuck was his childhood sweetheart, with whom he was only reunited with after her death. The Pie-Maker could not touch her again, least she die, permanently. While this led to some difficulties it didn't do much to curtail their romance.
"We have a case?" asked Ned. "I know we do because your brow is all furrowed."
Emerson Cod sighed heavily.
----
The facts were these. Amy Pond was immensely uncomfortable. Being caught between an alien and a wolf in a pie shop was worrisome.
The alien was a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous, the time keeper. The Time Lords had dominion of time and were the oldest sapient race in the universe. He was currently, to the best of his knowledge, the last of his kind.
His name was the Doctor. He was in his eleventh regeneration. For a Time Lord, regeneration means they can die and come back as a different person. It was said that they could do this thirteen times.
Although, with the Matrix going kaput with the rest of the planet, he might be immortal with unlimited regenerations before him.
He finds the thought unsettling.
Amy, his newest companion had met him and was pulled into his mad life of running around the universe saving it.
The Doctor had a people saving thing.
Amy, like many others, had harbored a huge crush on the man…male being. She'd even kissed him once early in their friendship. It had been immensely uncomfortable afterwards.
Two things had convinced her that falling for him would be a bad idea with a capital 'Bah.' The first was this; he was the most exhausting man in creation. She could live with the storm for a little bit; but, not forever. She didn't want to just be a part of his story. She wanted a book of her own.
Secondly, he was already in love.
Martha and Mickey had warned her. Sarah Jane had warned her.
Her name was Rose and he didn't talk about her.
According to Martha, he had talked about her all the time. It worried the warrior healer that he wouldn't any more.
The Doctor had explained that while her memories would always be dear to him, his feelings had faded. He was a new man.
Captain Jack Harkness had listened to that solemnly before bursting into uncontrollable laughter at that 'drivel.' Then he pointed out that going around saying that he wasn't thinking about Rose wasn't in fact not thinking about Rose.
And then the words, 'Bad Wolf' had popped up all over creation and he was chasing after them desperately as if his lives depended on it.
When they found her he's snogged Rose until she could see stars. Rose had ran away like a bunny.
Amy had to admit that she hadn't expected to like the 'love of the Doctor's lives' but, she really did.
Especially, after Rose had saved her from the Nightmare Child who's somehow broken through from the time lock on the Time War. She had died.
And Amy had watched the Doctor come apart. Most terrifying thing she'd ever seen and she knew from scary.
Then Rose got better…
Seriously, the Doctor had sent her away with his clone? That was as lame as Superman giving Lois Lane an amnesia kiss.
And now they were in a pie shop not talking.
Amy abruptly shoved the Doctor, "I have to go to the loo."
Rose perked up, "I'll come with you!"
The Doctor shook his head, "No. I want you where I can see you. You'll just try to swan off. Again." He sat back down into his seat after letting Amy out, slid down and blocked his companions escape by trapping her with his long legs. He crossed his arms and smiled sweetly, "Hello, Rose."
Rose looked panicked.
Amy headed for the bathroom in a sprint, fingering the cell phone in her pocket. Maybe Jack could help sort them out. Maybe they could drag them to a couple's counselor.
----
Olive was back with there orders, "Here ya go sugar," she chirped at Alice.
Alice smiled, "Thank you."
The boys thankfully had stopped talking. To her terror Deadpool was taking off his mask.
"No!" she covered her eyes with her hands and whimpered. To her surprise there were no screams or the sounds of breaking cutlery. So, she slowly lowered her hands from her eyes.
The Hatter raised an inquisitive brow and the other people in the pie shop were staring at her after her outburst.
"Little bit rude," the Hatter pointed out.
She didn't answer as she was looking at a man she did not recognize. "What happened to you? The last time I saw you without your mask you looked liked moldering hamburger!"
The merc struck a dramatic pose, "I did a job for Dr. Strange. Totally helped him to SAVE THE MUTIVERSE!!!"
The Doctor and Rose turned from their awkward staring to gaze intently at Deadpool, there were some things that would grab their attention right off. That last phrase was one of them.
"I was so very awesome. I killed this twelve dimensional dude with nothing but some applied phlebotinum and a deus ex machina. He blew up good! And then Doc Strange fixed me.
I'm no longer healing and decomposing at disturbing rates," the newly attractive assassin beamed charmingly at the room. "My love life's already improving! Girls don't run screaming from me nearly as much as they used to."
"That's great Wade," Alice patted his arm. "You do realize that just because you're all pretty, Squirrel Girl still won't date you, right?"
Deadpool sighed wistfully and prodded at his coconut cream pie, "I know. She's an awesome primal force." He pouted, "The time I asked for her number she sent some of her squirrels to run up my pants! It was so sweet of her to take such notice of me."
The Hatter enthusiastically tore his peanut butter pie. Oh! This was good.
----
"I think we have a serial killer on our hands," Emerson Cod gave the low down to his friends. Not that he'd ever call them his friends to his face. In truth there was no one he was closer too. He'd just rather stab himself in the heart with his own knitting needles then to admit it.
"In Coeur d'Coeur? How exciting. Not that that's the right word. Terrible and unexpected might be better words," Chuck said.
Ned rubbed his chin and wished he could hold the hand of the girl named Chuck. He was sure their hands would fit together perfectly. "What makes you think it's a serial killer?"
"Because all seven people were killed the same way on a Wednesday," Emerson Cod explained.
"Why on a Wednesday?" Ned wondered.
Emerson Cod snorted, "How'd I know something like that? I don't have any deep insight into the minds of serial killers. And I won't have any insight until you put that magic touch of yours to use on a Popsicle. Ya dig?"
"I can dig it," replied the Pie Maker.
-----
"How long have you been alone?" The Doctor asked Rose. Seeing Rose die and resurrect before his eyes had nearly given him a hearts attack.
Rose shrugged, "Couple of centuries. We died together, you an me. We were old and we couldn't resist going on one last adventure." Her big brown eyes looked at him and saw someone else. "I died an old woman. I woke up the same age as when we met. I stayed and outlived our children and grandchildren…"
The Doctor's hearts hitched. He'd dreamed of having children with Rose. The one adventure…
"I don't regret it. Even if it did hurt. I 'ad to leave. That universe started to notice me. That I didn't belong…I had to leave before it destroyed itself in a trans-temporal irritant paradox." Rose's eyes grew glassy with unshed tears.
He reached out for her hand and his jaw tightened when she pulled it away.
"I should go…" she ducked under his legs.
The Doctor followed her, "You're what? Just going to swan off?"
She stilled, "This is me swanning off."
"Rose Tyler, I lost you once and then gave you up once. I won't let it happen a third time," the Doctor told her flatly.
She continued to the door and was about to push it open.
"Did I mention it travels in time?"
Rose slowly turned her heart in her eyes to face him.
The Doctor held out his right hand and waved, "Hello."
"Hello," Rose breathed. She didn't protest when he captured her hand and led her back to their booth.
Amy was amused, when she came back to discover the Doctor and Rose huddled together on the same side of the booth with Rose trapped between the wall and the Doctor.
"Is she coming then?" Amy asked airily.
"Yes," the Doctor said over Rose's protestations.
"Good, because otherwise I was under orders from Jack to kidnap her," Amy said.
Rose couldn't help the sudden laughter that bubbled out of her.
It might just be okay.
----
Alice smiled. Something good just happened.
"Alice," The Hatter nudged her.
"Yeah."
"Do you really have a line of suitors stretching a thousand long?" he asked anxiously. "Because, if you do I want a list. So's I can know what I'm up against."
She looked from the Hatter's serious face to Deadpool's gleeful one. "When I'm done with my pie I'm going to chase you around the parking lot with my taser." She smiled at the merc, "Just saying."
He shrugged, "Fair enough."
Her life was strange, Alice thought as she nibbled her pie. But, it was hers.
Notes
Professor Xavier tries to interface with Gah Lak Tus and gets mind-pwned. So on their next encounter, he links himself with pretty much the entire human race and then goes back.
"Hello Gah Lak Tus. Remember me? I've brought six billion of my friends."
Cue Gah Lak Tus spazzing out.
Here I am using the actual Galactus. A giant planet eating god-thing who wears a ridiculous hat is easier to deal with Gah Lak Tus, which is a group mind of city sized robotic drones that attack worlds via envoys like the Silver Surfer, followed by a flesh eating virus. I just really wanted to use that line. Also, easier to write about especially for a teaser.
In this verse Scott Summers has a cousin named…Buffy. And in one move I make the Summers family tree that much more confusing. Yay me!
Nigel Thornberry is a nature documentary maker from the Wild Thornberry's. He was voiced by Tim Curry.
The Shadow's mentor, the Tulku had a living knife called the Phurba. In Buddhism, the Phurba pretty much kicks evil ass. This one has a nasty bite.
Yes, I invoked the squirrels again.
B: TVS~ Fear Itself.
Better with two: The Doctor and Rose
A karateka is a practitioner of karate.
Obi (belt)
In the comics the Skrull Invasion was primarily in San Francisco, I moved it to New York.
Jash is a Skrull lieutenant from the comics.
Cable is a member of the Summers Clan. Way to complicated to get into. And he is very happy for Deadpool to go bug Alice instead of him.
Pushing Daisies
Yes, Rose and Eleven. I eternally ship D/R.
I er, dreamt this bit after I watched the awesome of 'The End of Time' I think I cried a bit.
SIMP! Again!