Is it your fault?

As I have been doing for the past while, I still sit with my back firmly stapled to the door behind me. In front of me, my bed sits all messed up, just the way I left it.
Now, I find myself staring at my wrist, mentally yelling at it.

You're the entire reason I'm here. Why Rias saved me that day, heck, that was the entire reason Yuuma bothered with me. If you weren't living in me, I could have carried on with my mediocre life. Now look at me, I'm a mess. The people I love are showing their true colors, and I'm left shooting them down. Has everyone has been using me? I don't know how I have never seen that. To Rias, I am nothing more than an easily persuaded pawn, who happens to be the host for the red dragon. The red dragon host, is that all I'm seen as? It wouldn't surprise me. Actually, that is the case. Rias wouldn't have brought me in without my dragon powers, Xenovia said she wants to reproduce with me because of the dragon, Hell, I bet the entire reason anyone in the Gremory house bothers with me is because of you.

"Harsh. You know I'm sitting right here."
My wrist begins to glow with each word spoken. I guess he was listening into my thoughts.

"So, are you just gonna sit here and feel sorry for yourself?"

I look seriously to the light on my wrist.

"I never asked for this."

He sighs.

"Do you know how cliche you sound?"

I'm already pretty fed up with everything going on, I'm not going to put up with his condescending bullshit.

"Shut up! You're the reason everything's like this."

He laughs before responding.

"Now isn't this ironic. Every person who has hosted me has become consumed by the strength I grant. Yet here you are, sitting down, pitying yourself because this power makes you different. Funny, even though you call yourself weak, you defeated Albion."

Looking past my wrist and to the floor, I keep silent. I don't know how to respond to that.

Sure, he is right. To defeat the white dragon was the ultimate test of skill, but in reality, all I did was break sword because of the dragons game-breaker. Wait, that's what it always comes down to, isn't it? I am weak, on my own.

"I never beat Vilkes."

Thinking out loud, I look to the dimly lit ceiling above.

"Really? Then do tell, who broke Zedd's weapon? I don't know how, but his blade infused with Albion, absorbing him. You did it Issei. No one can take that away from you. It was y-."

"But It wasn't!"

I yell at my wrist. How stupid does this dragon think I am?

"It was your power! I am nothing without this sacred gear, and don't pretend like I am."

"Listen to yourself Issei, my power is your power. We are bound until your death, even if you aren't strong without the power of the Welsh dragon, that is irrelevant. You will never be in a place where I will not be there, fighting with you."

He's wrong. Just because he lives in me until I die, that doesn't justify me relying on his inherited strength to protect everything I love.

"How can I be strong? I can fight, but only when the people I love are hurt or in danger. That in of itself is makes me pathetic. I can't fight without some motivation. Whether it's Koneko in peril, or Rias tempting me with her tits, there is always something more to push me to become a fighter. Now I find myself wanting to fill a hole in my life, to get a relationship with one of my cherished allies. I blew it, though! You were there, weren't you? Koneko approached me and asked to go on a date, and my weakness shattered any opportunity for that to happen. I went from extremely happy, to being pulled back to reality by Rias. None of them see me as anything more than a pawn with a powerful sacred gear. And you were right. I can barely manage the feelings I have for one person, how the Hell could I balance having a harem? There's just no way. So, let me ask you this Ddraig, if my desire is to acquire a girlfriend, and you pledged to help me fulfill my desire; I blew it with Koneko, Rias see's me as a pawn, Xenovia only cares about the red dragon in me, Akeno is in the same boat as Rias, Asia is like a sister to me, and even Irenia, I hardly know and she's an angel. How the fuck am I supposed to have true happiness if I already destroyed my chances of having an actual relationship?"

Staring at my wrist, I pant heavily. I may have gotten carried away there, but everything I said was true. A few moments pass by and the dragon hasn't said anything.

"Well?"

I ask, shaking my wrist.

"Answer me, damn it!"

Finally having enough, I fall to my left with those last words. Pathetically, I cry as I lay on the cold floor.

It's over. There is no coming back from this. I can never get what I truly want. No amount of begging, fighting, or hoping is going to change anything. So where do I go from here? Can I go back to the way things were before any of this happened? I could return to lusting over Rias, hoping to touch her boobs, Akeno would continue to tease the lowly pawn, Xenovia would ask to make babies, Asia and Irenia would stay the same, and Koneko would once again hate me.

That last one hurts though. She was so heartfelt when she told me she liked me, and then mustered the courage to ask me out. Why did I have to throw it away? I'm such an idiot.

What am I supposed to do? Frankly, I can't go back to the way things were, I don't want to. I have to move forward. Maybe forward isn't with the Gremory house.

No, it has to be. I'm bound to Rias, she is my master. For the first time, I'm starting to wonder if being saved by her was actually a bad thing.

Still weeping with the left of my face planted in the floor, I hear a gentle knock from behind me.

"Issei?"

Here I was thinking today couldn't get any worse.

Is she here to talk about what happened? That'd make sense, but my days might be numbered. I doubt Koneko is going to ever forgive me, at the very least she will probably break multiple bones.

Not answering, I lay motionless on the hard floor. How can I face her?

"I'm coming in."

Don't. Why can't I say that? One little word to prevent the oncoming awkward confrontation. It's times like this where I wish I had a lock on my door.

I feel a solid wooden door press lightly into my spine. After all, I am still pressing against the door, even as I am lying across the floor.

The force becomes greater as I slide across the floor as the door opens. I shouldn't be surprised, this is Koneko we are talking about. I beat she isn't even using a fraction of her strength to push the door open.

Stepping in, I see Koneko look around, searching for me. Perhaps it would be better if she just left without finding me. Unfortunately, it doesn't take her long to locate the weak pawn in the room.

She closes the door after seeing the pathetic chess piece. There is a brief moment where I am scared for my life. But, that fear subsides as my eyes meet hers. Instead of anger and rage, like I expected, her eyes read of having sadness and compassion. On top of being shocked by this, I feel even worse about what happened with Rias. Instinctively, I stand up, only to turn away from Koneko. I don't bother to wipe my tear stained face, she would have already seen that I have been crying.

Silence fills the room as I stand with my back to Koneko. Fully anticipating her to speak, I stand still.

"Are you ok?"

She asks. The only response I give is a slight shake of my head. I seriously doubt I could actually form words to say to her. Man this is awkward.

While I may not want to speak to her, I'm not not gonna be dishonest with her, I just can't bring myself to lie to her.

"Do you want to talk about anything?"

Again, I shake my head.

From behind me, I hear her breath deeply.

"Is that really how you feel?"

This could mean a number of things. She might be asking if I really do not want to talk, how I feel about Rias, or even what I said to the dragon. Although, I suppose the latter is unlikely, as there is no feasible way she could have heard that conversation.

"Issei, please look at me."

The sincerity in her voice is like venom. Every fibre of my being is telling me not to turn around, I'm worried what will happen if I look at her. Even still, I step and turn to face her general vicinity. I don't know why, but something inside me is telling me not to ignore her request. I turn to her, and reluctantly look at her face.

"I'm guessing you meant what you were yelling,"

Yelling? When was I yelling?

"So, I just wanted to tell you you're wrong. You're not weak."

I am though.

"You are more than just some person with a strong sacred gear,"

Don't lie to me.

"Everyone sees you as so much more than Rias's pawn,"

Stop.

"I'm not mad about what happened with you and Rias."

You have to be. How could you not?

Koneko pauses for a second before continuing.

"Issei, what happened with Raynere won't happen again."

Now I completely freeze. How could she know that is bothering me? No, she can't honestly know this all stems from Yuuma.

Koneko steps in front of me and places her hands below my shoulders, holding my arms tightly. I look down to meet her gaze.

"Issei, I want to be with you."

I shake my head in disbelieve.

"You don't"

I manage to say.

"I do. You might be a hopeless pervert, but you're strong, you always fight for what you believe in, your non-perverted side is so nice and caring, and you helped me."

Taking in a ragged breath I respond.

"No, you're wrong. Stop lying to me"

She shakes me lightly.

"Stop thinking I can't love you! Issei, I mean every word I'm saying. Even if you think the others only see you as a pawn or a dragon emperor, just know I see you as more!"

No, she has to be lying. There is no way she can mean any of these things she's sayi-

Wait, did she just say…

It was a double negative, but I'm pretty sure she meant she loved me. Or am I just reading too much into this? She probably meant something else.

I sigh.

Who am I kidding, I can't even fool myself into believing she meant something else. Then, she meant it. Is Koneko using me like everyone else?

Looking into her eyes, I see a painfully sincere gaze. I think she was being honest. Then, someone sees me as more than a pawn? Or a dragon emperor?

Maintaining my gaze into her eyes, I feel my heart race. Is this it? What I truly want?

My thoughts flash to images of Yuuma. I felt like I do now, when she approached me on that bridge. She was the first person I loved, and I've never been able to truly get over that.

I won't be so gullible again. Koneko can't possibly mean anything she is saying. This is just like back then. She approached me and lied to me, so wouldn't it make sense for Koneko to do the same thing?

"Issei,"

Koneko's soft spoken voice halts my thinking, bringing my focus back to her.

"I'm not like her."

Feeling my eyes once again water, I stare into her eyes. Something about the way she said it, makes me really believe her. How would she have known who I was thinking about? Did she know, or does it even matter? I don't think it does.

All I know for certain, is she is right.

Placing my hands behind Koneko's back, I pull her close and tightly hold her. She returns the favour, wrapping her soft arms around me and burying her face in my chest.

Maybe, this is what I want. No, I can say that for certain. Holding her now is enough to convince me.

For the first time today, I smile sincerely.

(AN: FYI I despise including notes, but here is a rarity amongst my work. So, this story is not ending here, I have a couple blue prints for this tale. However, as you are probably unaware, I am currently writing a novel. Fanfiction is my #2 priority in terms of writing. My main focus is on my novel, that shall not change. This story in particular blossomed because my novel reached the end of a chapter (part), and I felt it necessary for a weeks break. Thus, this story was born. I'm pretty happy with how it's all shaping up, which is precisely why I will continue it... eventually. When I feel the need to, or when my novel reaches a break, I shall return. Until such a day, I am off. Fear not, brave readers, for I vow to see Issei through to the end. Until next time!

:)