Chapter 4

The elevator ride ends little bit too soon and he steps away from her. He lets her breathe and collect her thoughts. Her brain is fuzzy with the overwhelming feelings his lips created and she draws in several deep breaths as they walk towards the parking structure.

Castle has never been that quiet while they walk. He loves to talk, usually some random stuff that doesn't even make sense to her. But, after the elevator ride, he is unusually quiet, walking behind her and following her every step.

She doesn't like the silence.

There are too many thing left unsaid between them. Silence only makes it worse. It makes her think and mull over menial things, worry over details without seeing the bigger picture. Silence makes her heart whisper loudly and she can hear it - what it is saying to her deep inside her chest. She fights the instinctive need to hide her heart away, protect it by any means possible. After those kisses and the words shared between them - her heart is speaking louder, screaming to be noticed.

She swallows and before she can regret it, she turns around to face him. She places a hand on his chest to stop him from plowing into her.

Castle stops and looks at her quizzically. "What's wrong?"

Beckett closes her eyes and pushes the words out. "I'm sorry."

"Uh… For what?"

"For… uh…" she pulls her hand through her hair, trying to get the right words out. "For kissing you? For dragging you away from your family. I shouldn't have done that."

He looks at her intently, a little smile playing on his lips. "I'm not."

"What?" Beckett furrows her brows, trying to understand what he means.

"I am not sorry for kissing you." He takes a step closer.

She draws in a shaky breath and takes a step back.

"Castle, please," she closes her eyes and wills herself to talk.

She needs to stop him from coming closer. She can't think when the scent his cologne tickles her senses and makes her want to kiss him. This is not the time. They need to talk.

He stops.

She turns her head to him, looking into his eyes. "This… is the time. Right time. Place. We need to talk."

Castle only nods slowly, looking at her and listening what she has to say.

She returns her gaze and speaks out. "I'm sorry, Castle. I shouldn't have dragged you into this. I am… still broken. I am… still healing. I... I didn't want you to see any of this. This side of me. I am sorry."

A tear falls down her cheek and she looks down, trying to avoid his intense gaze. She doesn't want to cry. She swallows back the rest of her tears. She just can't - not now. Not when she is spilling her heart out like this.

He lifts her face up with his fingers, forcing her to look him.

"Beckett," he whispers. "I am not sorry, okay? I… liked it."

She closes her eyes as two traitorous tears roll down her cheek.

She doesn't say anything.

Castle traces the journey of one the teardrops with his finger and caresses her cheek with his palm. Unconsciously, she leans into the warmth of his hand.

"You heard me," he states calmly.

Beckett's eyes fly open, her face suddenly full of confusion.

"Wha-?"

He doesn't let her finish.

"In the cemetery. You remember. You heard what I said to you."

Beckett stares at him, mouth open.

How does he know about that? She has been hiding that particular fact from everybody for half of the year. The only person who really knows about that is her therapist.

She... isn't ready yet. To stand against this confrontation. She is far from ready.

Her heart beats wildly. She doesn't know what to say. He has somehow figured it all out, so there is no point of denying it.

"Castle… I," she tries to speak.

"Did you?" he presses the matter further. He doesn't let go.

"Yes," she whispers, trying to suppress a sob that is trying to get out.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks lowering his hand to her shoulder, his voice gentle.

She just stands there, trying to think what to say. Nothing really matters anymore, because anything she says will sound wrong or will hurt him. So she just goes for the truth.

"I didn't know what else to do," she mumbles. Castle's eyes never leave hers. "I didn't remember anything at first. It was all one big blur in my head. Faces, screams, pain. I just wanted to turn everything off and escape."

She draws in ragged breath. "Yes, I remembered something. But I wasn't sure it was real. Everything was so fucked up; I couldn't tell what was true, what was false."

She suddenly feels the urge to step away from him, to move. She pushes herself away from him, taking a step backwards towards her car.

He observes her silently, but doesn't say anything.

She raises her hand to her forehead, nervously combing through some of her unpinned hair with her fingers.

"I ran away. From everything. Spent my days at my father's cabin. Everything was hurting. And even then I couldn't tell if it was all in my imagination or if it had really happened."

She takes another deep breath. "Yes, after I came back, I denied it. I was too messed up. I needed clarity in my life, something that could help me set things right. I couldn't tell you because I needed to understand it first. To understand what it means. Or if you really meant it."

"Really meant it?" Castle steps closer to her. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't really mean it, Beckett." His voice is rises slightly. "You understand I nearly lost you. You died in my arms. You died. All I could give you at that moment were my words. At least you had those. It's all I had to give you in that moment. And then after you were better, you ran away to your cabin. Without saying a word."

She looks at him. Nods. It is an accusation. She understands that. She hurt him. But the way he says it - he is not really accusing her. He is just stating the facts.

"I am sorry," she mumbles. She has said that a lot today. But, at least they are talking now.

Silence falls between them.

"What happened in the bank?" he asks, bursting their bubble of quietness.

"I don't know," she shakes her head, looking at him. After a moment of pause she adds. "I thought you were dead, Castle. I thought you were dead." Her last sentence ends with a whisper and she hangs her head, looking down.

"I'm not. Kate. I am not dead," he says, stepping closer. He looks into her hazel eyes and whispers, "I am not dead. I'm here."

"Yes, yes you are," she mumbles and lets out a tiny sob before she lunges towards him and presses her mouth to his, capturing his lips in a tentative kiss. He brings his hands to her cheeks to hold her head in place and he deepens the kiss instantly. Beckett sighs into his mouth and her arms sneak up around his neck. They remain like this for a while, enjoying the feel of their bodies against each other, the kiss bringing up the old and new feelings around them.

She doesn't let go.

Neither does he.

Finally, air becomes necessary and they need to break the kiss. He rests his forehead against hers and opens his eyes. She does the same.

"Are we okay?" Castle asks, placing a kiss on her forehead.

Beckett nods, breathing him in.

"I'm getting rather chilly. Shall we get going?" he breaks the spell cast around them.

She chuckles lightly. But she agrees with him. It is a bit cold in this open parking structure. And his family is waiting for them. They need to get going.

"Let's go," she nods and steps away from his embrace.

A/N: Woah, people! So much love for this fic! I didn't foresee that. You all are making me so happy with all your comments and likes. Please continue doing that. Seriously, you people are awesome! I just hope that you'll like it in the end as well. I think cheese would go good with angst? ;) Hehehe.

Thank you!

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