Authors Note: Hehe yeahh, tough decision Fuji had 2 make. I wonder if he made the right one? Feelings run wild, and hot stuff. Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW! Thanx for the reviews I've gotten, I love and appreciate them-they make me laugh =D.

Ch.4 Holding Back

Fuji's heart wavers and he takes a deep breath, trying to calm down before his heart came out of his chest. This was unbelievably unexpected, Fuji liked Nana, but not in a romantic way. He thought she was beautiful, charming, and everything you'd want in a girlfriend; but Fuji didn't want a girlfriend right now. He looks into Nana's stunning hazel eyes, trying to forget the thought that Tezuka's gaze might be burning a hole into his skin. *I don't want a girlfriend…but what do I want then?* Fuji quickly glances at Tezuka, his heart throbbing when he sees the expression on his face. *Kunimitsu? No..no no no way do I want my brother like that, it's wrong! I am just confused, stressed, and suffering from the hangover.*

Fuji takes Nana's hands in his and shakes his head softly, "I am sorry Nana, but I just don't like you in a romantic way."

Nana smiles, "Just give me a chance, I will make you love me back."

Fuji bites his lip, "What if I can't return you feelings?"

"If things don't work out by the second week, then I will accept that and leave you alone."

Fuji sighs, "I don't want to hurt you Nana."

Nana laughs, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be crazy over me after the first week."

Fuji smiles gently, "Okay, I'd like to go out with you."

Nana smirks and gives Fuji a tap kiss, "That seals the deal, see you later Fuji!"

Fuji touches his lips with his fingers, astonished, and stares at Nana's back as she runs out of the room. He flushes bright red and at all cost avoids glancing at Tezuka to see the expression on his face. Fuji roughly shakes his head and runs out of the room, not even looking back once. He walks into his empty classroom, lunch had still not ended and Fuji didn't feel like going to the roof. Fuji puts his head down, he was just kissed but he didn't feel the butterflies he had expected. *Forget the butterflies…I am not happy, even though I just got a kiss from a beautiful girl. I just didn't feel anything, no spark at all, and I know that is not normal. *

Fuji runs his hand through his silky brown hair, "I am tired of all this, just when I thought I finally knew myself, then came along unwelcomed foreign feelings."

Students start coming through the door after the loud dong of the bell. Fuji sits up straight and tries to concentrate, but he doesn't have the strength to prevent himself from dozing off. He looks out the window and thinks about anything that came to mind. He wonders what Tezuka would say when he finds out Nana and him are dating, but doesn't he already know? Nana did confess right in front of him, even though Fuji was acting as if he didn't know Tezuka was there. *Would he care? At least be a little jealous? Wait, why the heck would he be jealous?* Fuji shakes the idea out of his head and Eiji snickers, giving Fuji a bright smile. Fuji smiles back and gives the sky his attention again. *What am I thinking, why would I even want him to be jealous. Ugh…I need to get my health and sanity back. Kunimitsu will probably nod and not show any interest in the news, as always. *

Before long, classes had ended which gave Fuji a sick feeling. He had dozed off these past days, and he feels as if every minute is passing without him realizing it. Fuji picks up his things and walks out of the classroom in deep thought, forgetting that Eiji was walking behind him. He doesn't realize that he is in the meeting room until he bumps into Tezuka who was walking out the door.

Fuji rubs his head and looks up, "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

Tezuka looks at Fuji and just walks off, which gave Fuji a chill that ran to his core. He laughs to himself, *is it me or is he in a bad mood? I bet I'm just imagining things…how can Tezuka be any colder than he usually is?* The already faded light in Fuji's eyes disappears completely and his smile turns into a frown. *He always finds ways to surprise me, I guess I just didn't know how cold he could actually be* Nana smiles happily when she see's Fuji come in and hugs him.

"Hi Fuji!"

Fuji forces a smile and tries to pry her off, "Hi Nana."

Eiji looks at Fuji and Nana, "Did I miss something here?"

Nana laughs, "Fuji hasn't told you anything? We are a couple now!"

Eiji's jaw drops, "What? Fujiko didn't tell me anything!"

Fuji tries to escape Eiji's glomp, "I'm sorry, I didn't have a chance to."

Eiji smirks, "Oh so this is who you were talking about in lunch?"

Nana looks at Eiji, "He was talking about me?"

"Yeah he was asking-

Fuji covers Eiji's mouth, "He is delusional, I wasn't talking about you; I was referring to something else."

Nana looks at Fuji suspiciously, "Hnn, if you say so."

Tezuka comes in with a stack of forms and clears his voice, "We have a lot of work to do."

Fuji almost winces when Tezuka brushes past him and sits in his desk. Fuji takes the stack and puts packets of the forms on each desk, even divided by four it was a lot. Fuji forces himself to not even spare Tezuka one glance, he had a pride somewhere in him and he wasn't going to beg Tezuka for attention.

Eiji puts his arm around Tezuka's neck, "Guess what Tezuka."

Tezuka glares at Eiji, "What?"

Eiji smiles regardless, "Your little brother and Nana are going out, aren't you happy?"

Tezuka takes Eiji's arm off of him, "Congratulations."

Eiji sneers, "That was dry, what bit you in the ass today?"

Fuji pulls Eiji away, "Thanks Kunimitsu. Eiji stop being rude, go work."

Nana smiles nervously, "So, today we should work fast so we can all go home and relax."

Eiji smirks, "Yeah right, I bet you and Fuji just want to finish early so you guys can go on a date."

Nana blushes, "Eiji, shut up."

Fuji concentrates on the forms, trying to ignore the hole in his heart that was slowly ripping him apart. You can say it's amazing how well Fuji is at acting he is fine when he is really rotting inside. Something that he has always refused to show people is the face behind the façade he's had for years. He was scared of showing anyone his tears, fears, or any other emotion but happiness. But he feels as if someone already had seen it; had peered into his head and heart without permission. That person was Tezuka, whose eyes could beat superman's x-ray vision any day. The person who knew him the best was also the hardest to approach, the one which always put a brick wall between them. *My brother is like a total stranger, funny right?* Fuji notices a drop of water sink into the paper below him and he touches his cheeks. They were wet; Fuji didn't even notice he was crying until now.

Fuji wipes his eyes with his arm and notices that Tezuka was looking at him. Once they made eye contact, Tezuka looks back at his work, totally indifferent to the fact that Fuji was crying. *Great, he saw me in my pitiful state, what made it worse is that he didn't care.* Rip, that's the sound of the hole inside Fuji getting wider. Fuji smiles at how cracked his mask was now and how much damage his façade had taken these past days.

Fuji stares blankly at Tezuka as he packs up his things and places his finished stack on Fuji's desk. He walks to the door, "I have something to do, see you all tomorrow."

Eiji sighs after Tezuka leaves, "I never thought I'd see the day when Mr. Ice block became colder than usual."

Nana hits Eiji softly, "Stop talking about Tezuka behind his back."

Fuji smiles, "Everyone has their bad days Eiji."

"But he didn't have to ditch you and make you walk back by yourself."

Fuji finishes his last form, "He said he has something to do, and I am not a kid, I can go home by myself."

Nana takes her stack and puts it on top of Fuji's, "Do you want to do anything today?"

Fuji shakes his head, "I'm sorry Nana, I am a bit tired, some other time okay?"

Nana smiles, "Fine, I'll let it go this time."

Eiji laughs, "These lovebirds…"

Nana packs up her stuff, "We'll I should be heading home now."

Fuji puts his things in his bag, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Nana gives him a kiss on the cheek, "Bye Fuji, bye Eiji."

Fuji watches Eiji finish his forms and pack up, "Are you meeting Oishi today?"

Eiji grins, "Yeah, we are going to dinner."

Fuji walks beside him, "Is it going to be fancy?"

Eiji shakes his head, "No, just grabbing a bite to eat and talking."

Fuji see's Oishi outside and greets him, "Hi Oishi."

Oishi smiles, "Hi Fuji, how's school going?"

"Good."

Eiji waves at Fuji, "Bye Fujiko, have fun with that ice block of yours."

Fuji smiles and walks towards his house, "Bye."

Fuji's walk home was lonely and thoughtful. The sun was inching towards the horizon with every step he took. He drops his façade, watching it shatter on the floor, like a plate when dropped. These moments to himself were the only time he felt free, not trapped by that illusion he always put up. *Why did I start acting happy all the time?* He remembers, it was a promise he made to himself when he was little. He had seen Tezuka crying and he made a pact that he was always going to smile, so that Tezuka could cheer up when he looked at him. *Then I got used to the façade, even though I don't need to be Tezuka's mood lifter anymore.* Fuji looks up at the grey painted sky, the clouds were swollen and puffed up. *Great, it's going to rain.* He feels a drop on his cheek, but instead of running away from the rain, he stands there looking at the sky. It starts pouring, and Fuji smiles, the sky matched the weather in his heart. The rain was refreshing and strong enough to at least try to wash away Fuji's worries. He gets home, soaked, leaving a trail of water behind him. After taking off his shoes, he goes to a hallway closet and takes out a towel to dry off. He walks to the living room to greet his parents, but finds Tezuka sitting there instead.

Fuji looks at Tezuka, "Where are mom, dad, and Yumiko?"

Tezuka keeps flipping through the channels, "They aren't here."

Tezuka's indifference to Fuji's presence was getting Fuji extremely infuriated. Fuji places the towel around his neck and keeps staring at Tezuka, "Why did you leave early today, you never do that."

"I had something to do."

Fuji raises his eyebrow, "And that is?"

"It's none of your concern Syusuke."

Fuji laughs bitterly, "Oh, just like ANYTHING that has to do with you is none of my concern."

Tezuka looks at Fuji, his eyes frozen over, "It wouldn't matter if I'd waited for you anyhow, since you were going to be with Nana."

"So you decided to assume I was going to be with Nana, and let me walk back by myself…in the rain."

Tezuka stares at the TV, "You are not a kid, stop being so dramatic and clingy."

Fuji snaps, "I may be dramatic and clingy but at least I am not a horrible brother! You are extremely cold and indifferent to anything concerning me! It's like having an iceberg for a brother; do you not know how much that annoys me?"

Tezuka keeps flipping through the channels, "…"

Fuji walks to Tezuka and throws the control across the room, "Listen, I am so sick and tired of acting as if everything is just great. The ONLY reason I smile every single fucking day is because of you! I thought if I always smiled, that would at least melt you a bit. But I see it hasn't done anything, you've just have become worse. I hate how the person who knows me the most is the one most distanced from me!"

Tezuka glares at Fuji and talks through gritted teeth, "Syusuke, stop throwing a tantrum."

Fuji throws the towel at Tezuka, "I HATE YOU KUNIMITSU! You always look down on me and always act as if everything I do is childish! You don't care about anything; I bet you wouldn't even budge if I said I was going to throw myself off a bridge right now."

Tezuka grabs Fuji's wrist and pulls him closer, "SYSUKE, YOU THINK IM NOT ANGRY? IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, YOU AREN'T THE ONLY PERSON HERE WITH EMOTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN BOTTLED UP!"