A/N: Rather than a monologue, I had Kammy's rambling interspersed with Kamek's attempts to cut in. I also made Lemmy a bit less subservient than Juliet.

Act I. Scene iii.

"Kammy!" called Kamek irritably, finally catching sight of the other Magikoopa. "Where's Lemmy? I've been looking for him for an hour."

"How should I know? Everyone's running all over the place… Lemmy! Lemmy, come here!" Kamek rolled his eyes at Kammy – as if he hadn't already tried calling. The party was about to begin, and Bowser's household wasn't ready at all: he should be helping, not wasting him time chasing down Lemmy. If anything, Bowser should be the one doing this – he was supposed to pass on the message, after all, not remember at the last minute and stick it on poor Kamek.

To the Magikoopa's surprise, however, Kammy's calling was met with an answer: "Yes? Who's calling me?" Lemmy rolled into the hallway from one of the adjacent rooms.

"Kamek's been looking for you," said Kammy.

Lemmy came to a stop in front of the Magikoopas, perched atop his yellow and blue star ball, his head cocked to the side questioningly. "Why?"

"I need to talk to you privately. Get out of here, Kammy." But when the old witch crossed her arms and scowled, not budging an inch, Kamek relented. "Fine, you can stay – come on let's talk in here."

As they followed Kamek's gesture and walked into the room Lemmy had just came out of, Kammy grinned at the Koopa wizard. "Ooh, it's a secret, huh? What's going on?"

"Well, as you guys know, Lemmy's an adult now, so-"

"Not that you could tell by looking at him," interrupted Kammy, reaching up and pinching the Koopaling's cheek. "He's still as cute as a Parabuzzy."

"Yes, and that's actually got the attention of-"

"I can still remember the day I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he said he wanted to be Peter Parabuzzy – the boy who never grows up. And so he has!"

"Yes, he has grown up, and-"

"I mean, he has become like Peter-"

"Except that's a fairytale, and-"

"But I suppose Peter did grow up – at least in that one movie. He fell in love – and that makes you grow up: in more ways than one. You sorta need to develop enough for the full love experience, amirite Kamek?"

"Funny you should bring that up-"

"And you'll know too, Lemmy – someday you'll meet the right girl and-"

"That could actually happen sooner than you think-"

"See? Even our resident Valentine's Day Grinch agrees. You'll always look like a cutie, but you'll be someone's cutie, and then you'll get a taste of the not-so-cute aspects of looove…"

Lemmy grinned sheepishly at Kammy's comments. "Well, I'm not really thinking about that sorta stuff yet, so…"

"Really? I was all over the boys when I was your age. And they were all over me, if you know what I mean!"

"Kammy!" winced Kamek. "I don't want to hear that! Honesty, you speak as much as Morton sometimes…" Kamek turned to Lemmy. "Seeing as Kammy can't keep her trap shut for more than two seconds, I'll cut to the chase: Birdo wants to marry you."

"What?" gasped Lemmy.

"Ooooh, Birdo! The Birdo!?" Kammy cackled excitedly. "You lucky boy – I hear Birdos make the best lovers, and everyone knows how passionate she is. And she's loaded. Oh, and in good with Fawful. You might even get to live at a castle again!"

"What do you say, Lemmy?" asked Kamek, scrutinizing the blushing Koopaling's face. "Bowser and I think it's a good idea too, but only if you're up for it. She is about as good a bride as you could hope to land, in all honesty, and like Kammy said – it'd make your life a lot easier to be connected to her, and by extension, Fawful. And I hate to say this, but it might help the rest of us too, although Bowser won't admit to it…"

Lemmy thought about it for a minute. "I don't really know her…"

"Well, she's coming to the Bowser Party – you can get to know her then."

Lemmy nodded. "I suppose – I'll do my best to like her. As you guys said, it probably would be for the best…"

"There's no rush," said Kamek. "We'd just like get the ball rolling, as it were." He poked Lemmy's own ball good-naturedly.

"I'd rush it, if I were you – then you'd really have a ball!" leered Kammy lasciviously.

"Guys?" Iggy opened the door to the room, making a face. "What are you doing up here? The guests are arriving – it's total chaos out there. Bowser's calling for you both, and Lemmy should be out greeting the guests too."

"We're coming, we're coming!" said Kamek exasperatedly, making his way towards the door as Iggy disappeared down the hall. He turned back to Lemmy before he went. "Remember – talk to Birdo. Give her a chance."

"And if she gives you a chance, you take it, boy!" Kammy grinned up at Kammy as she hurried after the other Magikoopa. The Koopaling followed behind, mulling over the news in his head. He didn't have any intention of getting busy with Birdo – she had always been nice enough, but he wasn't interested in her in the slightest, no matter how good a lover she supposedly was. He even doubted those claims – the only relationship of hers he could even name was with Yoshi. He supposed that fell apart when Birdo sided with Fawful, and while Lemmy was determined to keep politics out of his lovelife, he seriously doubted there was a lovelife to be had with Birdo. But he wasn't going to rule out the possibility entirely – not until he at least gave her a fair chance. After all, who knew? Maybe he really would fall in love that night…